i had thought that my freakin' old nature had been chained..if not tamed..by bringing it to the Lord. instead of having a significant period of 'going off' mentally, i thought i had realized...especially when yesterday i gunned the engine and still had seen the red before exiting the intersections..2 of them. that experience, i thought, had confirmed me in the final decision..to pay my fine like a 'good boy' that i ain't. no way. this morning i pulled up to park, going the wrong direction, right outside the souderton district judge deitelhaus' (sp?) office. i came in and..of course..no one in sight..petulantly went out and grabbed my gideons new testament (!!!!) to read while i WAITED. (what a contrast between inward and outward..) upon entering the second time the judge himself with a kindly smile and a gentle voice asked it i could turn the car around...it was liable to a traffic citation! inwardly fuming but with a returning 'kindly..gentle' demeanor went out a second time to turn the car.
after being stopped for 'running the traffic signal' at state and county line roads on the night of the 24th i protested (gently) that i never had seen the red (whether in actuality this was suppressed and flooded over by the slimy subconscious part of my old nature within i do not know..) and that i would be obliged to challenge this in court..
after a fair amount of time with a flow of internal justification (the 'points' actually written down for reference in forming my speech in court) directly after...
the next day the course was to follow, during my time with God (i can't stomach calling Him Lord in the midst of the recounting of all my rebellion against Him..but by His grace He moved me back to 'before Him'
1. suppose i AM actually right and the officer (my old flesh hates police and all authority figures seeing them all as one disagreeable lump of OPPRESSION foisted upon mankind (i have to be honest here for as i write i am seeing the truth of this) BY GOD). mistaken. i pondered..
2. do You have a purpose in this for me?....
3. ...a thought materializes...how many times have i, 'misjudging' of course, actually went through an intersection on a red light..
4. another thought: what would be the charge for each if $111 was divided between the all..
5. not much...
6. another thought..this is really, far from being a travesty of justice, the gentle, kindly warning of God...
7. another...possibly to protect either or both myself and others..
8. You have recently provided so much work for pay...more grace..
9. ok..Lord..i'll pay.
i thought after that it was settled and the peace of God once again reigned...but then all those wicked outcropings this morning again...the mystery of iniquity!
was drawn near to God this morning by a time of listening to larry norman songs. was brought to concern again...as his music has done before in me..over whether i REALLY am saved. was recently so concerned though reading the story of john wesley's conversion and how his moravian friends brought him to concern by the question, 'do you have the witness within?' wow..i think i do but if so i am a spiritual schizophrenic: one part of me is constantly, if not actively roiling in sin, fighting against it's constant temptations and inroads
one part of me is filled with a sense of Jesus' loving, peaceful, at times overwhelmingly gracious presence..i think..
I'M TIRED OF NOT HAVING, though, WHAT LARRY NORMAN 'HAS'. the last sweet prick of do i have the total joyful confidence as norman when he sings in 'joyful delta day' (about the second coming of the Lord) about that glorious day when 'THE CAPTIVES WILL BE RELEASED!!!!
...norman was a sinning saint just like me but even in the face of that he had the confidence that he was one day going to be released!
i won't go on...but i ask that God give me a DIVINELY FOMENTED DISSATISFACTION until all of me is all for Him..here and now...
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