10.13.2012 THE WOUNDED HEART

i learned of this book (published in 1990),
subtitled, 'hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse',
in world magazine this last year
and finally found i could borrow it through the local bookmobile.
although i never have been sexually abused,
after reading most of it
i am hoping to get my own copy and also encourage several people i know who may be helped in reading it.
it has helped me a great deal to read it. it has cracked a little wider opening of some understanding of what other people go through because they have sinned and or been sinned against in this way. may God continue to help me to look at myself and other human beings as we all appear before Him...and with His inconceivable love in light of this.
i hope the prologue will encourage others to read and be helped and blessed also...both those who have abused/been abused in this way and those who have not.

prologue..anyone who picks up a book on sexual abuse has a definite purpose in mind. few would bother picking up a painful, deeply distressing book for recreational reading. in most cases this book will be read by those who are struggling to understand their own abuse. others may read for the purpose of understanding their abused parishioner, client or spouse. whatever the reason may be for reading on this subject, i think that it is fair for the reader to ask a central question:
why another book on this topic?

an obvious answer is to offer hope to those who have experienced sexual abuse and guidance to those who work with abuse victims. one of the central messages of most books on abuse, this one included is freedom from the guilt of the past abuse.
what occurred is not your fault!

unfortunately, that message is at first heard as good news but often does not endure over time. i've heard many victims of sexual abuse argue,
'others are excused,
but not me.
my abuse is different.
if you knew the facts, you would understand that i am at least partially at fault.
i led him on.
i didn't tell anyone,
and i know  i should have found a way to stop his advances.
for some reason the blanket amnesty of forgiveness offered to sexual abuse victims fades after the initial relief. this fading does not invalidate the good news. it simply implies that more must be done than affirm abused people and implore them to forgive themselves.

what is the enemy? what are the factors that make past sexual abuse so shameful and the basis of such grievous self contempt? what must be done to lift the shroud of shame and contempt? the answer involves a strategy that seems to intensify the problem:
peer deeply into the wounded heart.
the first great enemy to lasting change is the propensity to turn our eyes away from the wound and pretend things are fine. the work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced.

this is a book about damage, the damage done to the soul by sexual abuse. it is also a book about hope, but hope that loves only after the harm of abuse has been faced. if there is a central reason for this book it is found in the need to face what is true about the damage done to the soul and the damage done to others related to the past abuse.

there is a natural reluctance to face the problem. christians seem to despise reality.

(NOTES: prologue.1  some christians believe the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of truth, makes us holy without requiring that we look at the ugly truth of how we have been sinned against and sin in return. however when scripture tells us to 'examine ourselves', it is a call to..a self reflection that includes but is not limited to seeing sin in ourselves.
..one of the strongest calls to self examination comes from the puritan jonathan edwards.
he stated,
'those who entertain the opinion and hope of themselves, that they are godly, should take great care to see that their foundation be right. those that are in doubt should not give themselves rest till the matter be resolved.
he argues that
'many men who live in ways which are not agreeable to the rules of god's word, yet are not sensible of it; and it is a difficult thing to make them so; because the same lust that leads them into evil way, blinds them in it'
he offers a number of means to see rightly that include
knowing the word;
knowing oneself'
seeking feedback from others, and
seeing the faults of others in order to use their sin as a mirror to see our own...

we tend to be squeamish when looking at the destructive effects of sin. it is unpleasant to face the consequences of sin-our own and others. to do so seems to discount the finished and sufficient work of our savior. and so we pretend we're fine, when, in fact, we know that something is troubling  our soul. a dull ache occasionally floats to the surface, or stalking memories return in dreams or in odd thoughts during the day. but why bother about such strange feelings when our salvation is guaranteed and life's task is clear: trust and obey?

the unbelieving culture is not so dishonest. our society faces realities that other eras chose to avoid. unfortunately, however, it offers solutions that lead to even greater denial. the secular path for change seems to involve some form of self assertion, setting one's own boundaries and choosing to act on the basis of one's own personal value system. invariably, the result is a stronger, more self centered humanist, who lives less for the sake of loving others than for his perceived advantage and benefits.

the solution the secular path offers is in fact filling a leaky cup with lukewarm water. it leaves the soul empty and unsatisfied. it never admits that the deepest damage is never what someone has done to me but what i have done regarding the creator of the universe. the damage done through abuse is awful and heinous, but minor compared to the dynamics that distort the victim's relationship with God and rob her of the joy of loving and being loved by others.

this process is the end of secular solutions, but many so called christian alternatives are even worse.. several paths offered to the abuse victim often increase the burden and lead to revictimization;
denial based forgiveness,
pressured demands to love, and
quick relief from pain through dramatic spiritual interventions.

forgiveness built on 'forgetfulness' is a christian version of a frontal lobotomy.

NOTES: prologue.2..it is commonly assumed that forgiving another is a one time event. it is viewed as a climactic releasing of bitterness and hatred, and a return to a state of kindness and compassion. forgiveness is often told about in the past tense,
(quoted from 'bold love' by allender and tremper longman III, 1992)'i was so hurt by my father that it took years before i forgave him,
rather than being viewed as an ongoing work of the spirit of God.

'it seems that many experience one major moment when a transition takes place from holding on to bitterness to releasing the rage. this moment is often viewed as the point when forgiveness occurred; therefore, it is now finished and resolved. forgiving another may often have an actual moment of climactic transition, similar to conversion when a person goes from death to life, but it is naive to believe forgiving another for any one failure or for a lifetime of harm is ever entirely finished. the fact seems to be that as any harm is more fully faced, then it requires the deepening of forgiveness to overcome. to forgive another is always an ongoing, deepening, quickening process, rather than a once and for all event...

'another common perspective taught about forgiveness is to 'forgive and forget'. the concept comes from two major passages, psalm 25.7 and jeremiah 31.34. the psalmist asks God not to remember the sins of his youth, but instead to recall His mercy and love, in the jeremiah passage, god says,
'for I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more'. christians are told to be like God, who does not remember sin but forgives wickedness...

'there are several grave problems with the idea the god is 'forgetful'.
first, God does remember sin. we are told that we will all one day appear before "God and receive our rewards based on 'the things done in the body, whether good or bad' II cor. 5.10 it is apparent god does remember sin and righteousness, and uses the evidence to determine our due.

'a second problem involves making a metaphor into methodology.
'God's forgetfulness' is a metaphor, or word picture. many seem to understand that the phrases which tell us our sins are removed 'as far as the east is from the west' psalm 103.12 and hurled 'into the depths of the sea' micah 7.19 are metaphors, but God's loss of memory is somehow viewed as a fact. a metaphor is like a wonderfully broad stroked impressionistic painting of a seascape. it is overstated and dramatic, full of life, but not intended to be taken as an overly precise and literal representation of the actual thing being painted. imagine how absurd it would be if someone wanted to discover the actual place where the east is divided from the west in order to deposit the sins of another. in the same way, it is absurd to take the metaphor of forgetfulness and make it into a tangible requirement for forgiveness.

'then what is the meaning of the metaphor of forgetfulness? what does god's forgetfulness look like for us as we go about forgiving others? the scriptures use many metaphors and stories to illustrate the meaning of forgiveness. a central theme is that an incomprehensible debt owed to the master has been mercifully canceled. the canceled debt frees the debtor from eternal imprisonment, shame and destitution. the only debt that remains is to offer others a taste of redemptive love matthew 6.9-15, 18.21-35. to forgive another means to cancel the debt of what is owed in order to provide a door of opportunity for repentance and restoration of the broken relationship.


an abused woman was told by her pastor that she was to forget the past and stop pitying herself because many people have had a lot worse things happen to them than being abused by their father. this advice made any reflection on the effects of the abuse selfish and illegitimate. his comment felt as painful to her as the original abuse.

DENIAL BASED FORGIVENESS: to be told,
'the past is the past and we are new creatures in Christ, so don't worry about what you can't change,
at first relieves the need to face the unsightly reality of the destructive past. after a time, however, the unclaimed pain of the past presses for resolution, and the only solution is to continue to deny.

(NOTES: prologue.3  ..denial is a choice to see reality from a grid or schema that selectively ignores or interrupts data that would disconfirm our desire for peace...
when a person goes beyond saying something could not occur to further suppressing truth in unrighteousness by saying it did not occur, then that is out of the realm of denial to a more active, forceful suppression of the truth...
we never need push a person to truth; rather it must be set forth and then the question must be asked,
'what would cause you to prefer a lie to what is true?
prophetic questions in conjunction with the work of the Holy Spirit, rather than therapeutic pressure is the ground for constructive change.

the result  is either a sense of deep personal contempt for one's inability to forgive and forget, or a deepened sense of betrayal toward those who desired to silence the pain of the abuse in a way that feels similar to the perpetrator's desire to mute the victim.
hiding the past always involves denial;
denial of the past is always a denial of god.
to forget your personal history is tantamount to trying to forget yourself and the journey that god has called you to live.

what might be the motivation of the forgive and forgetters? the answer may be found in a deep and legitimate desire to protect the honor of god. a central question in the mind of the abused person,
'where was God?
compels many to answer by denying the influence of past events on present day functioning. if the past is insignificant, then i don't need to ponder the question, why did God not intervene? the unbelieving world is willing to see the damage of abuse because it feels no need to defend the God who could have intervened to stop it. the christian community, however, feels disposed to deny any data that casts doubt on God's presence or willingness to act for the sake of His children.

'where was God?
is a legitimate cry of the soul to understand what it means to trust God. irrespective of the answers, the question is not to be avoided. if God is trustworthy, He can be trusted without our efforts to destroy and deny the past.

another factor may be involved in the desire to 'forget' the past. christians believe in the possibility of healing or deep personal change. change-or better said, the fruit of the Spirit-is the result of God's working in the person. this work enables us to love as Christ loved, to serve as He served, and to be of one mind with others as He is with the Father. these are high claims. the results are seldom, if ever close to the ideal. one need only to observe our penchant for easy believism, materialism, superficiality, and hypercriticalness toward those who differ from our favorite doctrinal positions to call into question the work of the Holy
Spirit in the change process. a secularist could easily sue us for false claims in advertising.
does the gospel really work to transform lives?
the data is at times questionable. therefore the christian community feels disposed to deny any data that points to the thorns and thistles in the lives of those who claim to be filled with the power of God.

the unbelieving world acknowledges the effects of sin but offers incomplete solutions; the believing world is, at times, unwilling to face the current effects of sin, but has solutions that can provide substantial healing. the answer is quite simple. let us as christians acknowledge without shame that regeneration does not alleviate or in fact diminish the effects of sin quickly or permanently in this life. if we accept that, we are free to face the parts of our souls that remain scarred and damaged by the effects of sexual abuse without feeling that we are denying the gospel. facing the reality of the fall and beginning the process of reclaiming the land covered with is the marvelous work of the
God ordained kingdom gardener. it is labor eminently worthy of every believer to reclaim the parts of one's soul that remain untilled and unproductive for bearing fruit. and the denial of the past hinders this work of reclamation.

PRESSURED DEMANDS TO LOVE:  a woman was told by her friends that she was tempting the judgment of God because she was taking her abuser to court. she was told that her desire to bring him to justice was unloving and vengeful. she wryly remarked that a friend had recently received a sizable out of court settlement for as accident, and no one batted an eye. if appeared to be acceptable to use the court system for a damaged car, but not for a damaged soul.

another man refuses to visit, receive phone calls, or open mail from the father who raped him from age seven to ten. his father, an upstanding church member, is irritated by his son's unwillingness to interact but flatly denies his son's abuse and has gone so far as to question his son's sanity and salvation.

what does it mean to love one's enemies? does it mean to simply do good, regardless of what you feel? if the answer is yes, then what in the world does it mean to do good to a father whose unwillingness to face the past abuse is tantamount to living an evil hearted lie? how is one to hate what is evil and cling to what is good while at the same time loving one's enemy?

there are answers to these questions, but the typical pressured-love solution involves being nice, not causing conflict and pretending relationships are fine as the evil charade unfolds. under this version of christianity, the abuse person feels secure and dead.  there is safety in soul-numbing rigidity that does not require thought, reflection or risk. but the honest person knows that
soulless conformity never leads to life giving change.

love is not easily defined, nor is it quickly executed with a slight twist of the will. loving one's enemy, in particular, requires that the heart be caught up in the freedom and power that God instills in the one who is willing to extend grace to an enemy. love can be commanded, but is its fulfillment the exercise of right doing,in spite of the absence of passion, desire or authenticity toward the person who did harm?

far too often the abuse person is commanded to do good or to love their abuser without exploring the complexities of what it means to love or what may be blocking the God given desire to love. the result is often a greater deadening of the soul in order to accomplish the burdensome task or a backlash of rage toward god or anyone who would so insensitively encourage such a painful path.

the assumption taught in many christian groups is that emotions will follow in accord with your choice of will. if you feel angry, then do good, because in doing good you will eventually not be angry. even better, if you do good long enough, then you will actually feel loving emotions toward the person who did you harm. this is not the place to debate the interlacing intricacies of choice. thought, emotion and longing, but an obvious point can be made. all the effort in the world expended to arrive at the 'right' location will be of little avail if the traveler is moving in the wrong direction or has known or unknown reasons for not wanting to arrive at the destination. more must be done than shouting commands to love.

love is at the core of change. but as love is defined by some, it lacks purpose, passion and strength. in reaction to a culture that sees love as whim based on the unpredictability of emotion, some christians have opted for a decision based, emotionless act of the will to be nice and inoffensive.
love is many things, but it is never weak or lacking in passion.
simply telling an abused person to love his or her abuser is unhelpful, even if love is an essential component of the change process.

DRAMATIC SPIRITUAL INTERVENTIONS:  i recently worked with a woman who was part of a charismatic church connected to a national healing and miracle ministry, which makes an assumption that
sexually abused persons are demon oppressed.
the memories may be the concoction of the demons, thus discounting the validity of the past abuse or the memories may be actual events that are kept in the mind by the evil host that inhabits the victim. in either case, the strategy is to cast the demons out through the ritual of exorcism.

the woman i worked with had learned through years of abuse to keep her mouth shut.
if she disagreed  with anyone, she assumed she must be wrong.
the abused person often looks for someone who is strong, authoritative and convinced that the damage can be quickly and painlessly resolved.
this church provided that hope.
she eventually endured several exorcisms where she experienced her handlers as abusive and demeaning,
though for a time she felt relief and rest.
that period ended when she required constant assurance and drug lie jolts of emotional enthusiasm to keep her wavering and transient faith stable.

quick cures never resolve the deep damage.
instead, they offer change that requires little more than lying on a gurney before surgery:
be still and let the experts do their work.
trust is defined as allowing the process to occur without creating obstacles that would hinder the work.
holy passivity is the key to most quick cure solutions.
the woman had enough integrity to acknowledge that the healing had not occurred and
that the healers were abusive and blind to the real damage in her soul.
once a 'magical cure' has occurred, few are willing to admit that much is left to be dealt with.

quick cures are not unique to any one group.
many offer healing from damaged emotions or memories by attempting
to place a 'positive' perspective around the painful event
in the midst of a deep, flowing expression of pent up emotions.
the result is often a refreshing reclamation of lost parts of the past.
it's as if the painful events can be safely looked at without fearing retribution or destruction.

my fear is that many stop at the point of deep initial relief without delving further into the damage.
the initial washing of the wound will not be sufficient if the infection is not treated by even stronger medicine.
the hunger for a quick cure is as deep as the desire for heaven.
the tragedy is that many take the cheap cure and miss the path to a lasting taste of heaven.

THE BETTER PATH:   there are many options available to the christian for dealing with past abuse, but the outcome is unappealing:
forgive and forget-denial
pressured love-passionless conformity
quick cures-irresponsible passivity.
it is not difficult to understand why the christian who has been abuse often chooses either to seek help outside the church
or to learn to handle the damage by pretending it does not exist.
i strongly believe the scriptures offer better ways of hope and change.

what is the better path?
the argument of this book is the
THE BEST PATH IS THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH.
the crags of doubt and the valleys of despair offer a proving ground of God that no other terrain can provide.
God does show Himself faithful;
but the geography is often desert dry and mountainous demanding,
to the point that the path seems too dangerous to face the journey ahead...

THE JOURNEY INVOLVES BRINGING OUR WOUNDED HEART BEFORE GOD,
a heart that is full of rage, overwhelmed with doubt, bloodied but unbroken, rebellious, stained and lonely.
it does not seem possible that anyone can handle, let alone embrace, our wounded and sinful heart.
but the path involves the risk of putting into words the condition of our inner being and placing those words before God for His response.
the Lord has promised He will not put out the smoldering flax or break the broken reed (Isaiah 42.3).
but promises have been made before by a supposedly trustworthy person,
and we swore the betrayal was the last we would ever allow our soul to experience.
THE OBSTACLE TO LIFE IS THE CONVICTION THAT GODWILL DAMAGE US AND DESTROY US.
the problem is that the path does involve His hurting us, but only in order to heal us.

why does abuse make it so hard to come to the Lord for the succor and life that our souls crave?
what is the enemy to the healing process?
in brief, the answer is shame and contempt.
the damage of past abuse sets in motion a complex scheme of self protective defenses that
operate largely outside of our awareness,
guiding our interactions with others,
determining the spouse we select,
the jobs we pursue,
the theologies we embrace, and
the fabric of our entire lives.
this book takes a look at the inner workings of these  dynamics with the hope that a clearer picture of the damage will enable us to make more conscious, godly decisions in dealing with others and with ourselves.