this a.m. woke to the general pain and nausea, in spirit, of being battered about the head. my old friend is starting out early today. what do i do? dare not think but go back to the direction book. oh yea, SUBMIT..to God. RESIST the devil and he will flee from you. so i start fighting. 'Lord help me'. the groundfire of, i'll call them ungodly, negative thoughts continues and intensifies. 'Lord help me' comes again and again. not able for more articulation right now. what's first? get the tea water going...pick up where meditation stopped..happens to be psalm 33 today. start reading...mechanically..calling on the Name..numb..dumb. the words start to fight their way thru the haze and take form in the mind:
SING FOR JOY in the Lord, O you righteous ones (yea that's me, i got none myself but YES thank You Lord for the alien righteousness of Christ. i can sing for joy this morning)
PRAISE IS BECOMING to the upright. (thank You Lord once again! i do all kinds of wrong but when i come back! You forgive and cleanse...yea, amazingly, i'm upright...i can, and do! praise!!)
SING PRAISES TO HIM...
(by this point my numb, dead soul is beginning to come alive again, for the trillionth (dunno how many!) time and i am able to enter into what the Spirit is breathing into me off the page..)
SING to Him A NEW SONG (oh Lord, how precious You are! everything in this world apart from You becomes more and more dead, atrophied, death-dealing..You are the only one who remains continually fresh and new..Life itself!)
and so on. and now He starts giving reasons for all the above:
1. FOR THE WORD OF THE LORD IS UPRIGHT (He is and does right.)
2. ALL HIS WORK IS DONE IN FAITHFULNESS (He can be trusted.)
3. HE LOVES RIGHTEOUSNESS AND JUDGEMENT (He is fair and impartial)
4. THE EARTH IS FULL OF THE LOVINGKINDNESS OF THE LORD ( He does not give me what i deserve.)
5. BY THE WORD OF THE LORD (EVERYTHING WAS) MADE (He provides my needs.)
...at this point 2 commands: fear Him, stand in awe of Him
6. HE NULLIFIES..FRUSTRATES THE PLANS OF THE PEOPLES (i can relax.)
7. THE COUNSEL OF THE LORD STANDS FOREVER..THE PLANS OF HIS HEART FROM
GENERATION TO GENERATION. (He directs things to the ends He choses.)
8. BLESSED IS THE NATION WHOSE GOD IS THE LORD (He will bless if i obey.)
9. THE LORD LOOKS FROM HEAVEN
HE SEES ALL THE SONS OF MEN..
HE..FASHIONS THE HEARTS OF..ALL,
HE ..UNDERSTANDS ALL THEIR WORKS. (i hide nothing from Him.)
10. THE KING IS NOT SAVED BY A MIGHTY ARMY
A WARRIOR IS NOT DELIVERED BY GREAT STRENGTH
A HORSE IS A FALSE HOPE FOR VICTORY ( i have no other help but the Lord)
OUR SOUL WAITS FOR THE LORD (He is my help and my shield)
OUR HEART REJOICES IN HIM (because i trust in His holy name)
LET THY LOVINGKINDNESS, O LORD, BE UPON US, according as we (i!) have hoped in Thee amen!
at this point i began to think of the verse 'THEY LOOKED unto Him and WERE LIGHTENED and their faces WERE NOT ASHAMED'. that's the way i was by this point only my reality seemed to be more 'the Lord lifted my chin so i could look unto Him... but, again, no...i had looked unto Him by getting into the word. oh help me Lord to keep looking at You.
i got to wondering what it meant to be ashamed. webster seemed to bring out three basic nubs of meaning to the word:
1. a painful sensation..consciousness of guilt
2. cause or reason of shame, that which brings reproach or degrades one in the estimation of others.
3. parts which modesty requires to be covered
so it seemed to me that there is no shame, in the proper sense of the word, if there is no one looking on and disapproving! what a wonderful thought. if i care nothing for and have no fear of the disapproval of men but rather keep coming back sorrowing..desiring only the only One who truly, faithfully, eternally loves me, however many, myriads of times it may be, i can be assured of one thing I STAND FOREVER UNASHAMED IN HIS SIGHT (I john 1.9). hallelujah what a savior.
when i looked around all the darkness, the tormenting thoughts were all washed away..
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
2.13.2013 THE LAST THREE MONTHS...
IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS
for the better part of a year now the Lord has been speaking to me about giving my whole life to Him with nothing kept out. i have consciously resisted...and still resist. i have learned that when something like this happens, nothing of any real good can come out of such a life..such a life is akin to a living death..one sinner doeth much evil. the items below are some of the fallout that has happened in my life.
between 11. 4 and 12.9.11 i have had four very strong urges (the best way to describe them is, paroxysms of the spirit) to go to jail over abortion with the result that i walked around like a dead man, having no purpose in life, in my thinking, other than to do thus
i have finally gotten over the strong belief that it was my duty to GO TO JAIL over abortion (12.21.2011). as i went to bed in the cell the first night in i felt deserted by God in a way i never have experienced before and knew that i was not where He wanted me to be. i became aware, in a number of ways that God delivered me from this hell within 18 hours for which I thank and praise Him. (i learned:wherever you are without God is hell, i do not want to have to learn this again)
i have been delivered from:
-paroxysms (satan compels; God leads)
-the rage in my heart over abortion which was directed against those who support it as a woman's right
-my mistaken discipleship: following ghandi's non-violent cooperation, rather than Jesus' truth speaking and refusal to resist the evil man, but rather to love my enemy
-my misunderstanding of what a christian is called to suffer for..in the case of abortion the only thing Christ calls me to be willing to suffer for is refusing to support or commit an abortion myself
-a good bit of my inward rebellion against those in authority as a result of seeing a bit of what life is like for those who seek to enforce the law
i decided to REPRESENT MYSELF at the preliminary hearing on 1.27.2012. i came about a half hour early. within a few minutes my arresting police officer approached me asking if it would be acceptable to me, upon pleading guilty to the charges of trespassing at the abortuary in warminster, pa, to have nothing but 2 contiguous one year probations, most likely staying at least .5 mile away from the abortuary. upon agreeing that this would be good, he had me talk with the district attorney and within a few minutes i was referred by the judge to the bucks county courthouse for a preliminary hearing that can be waived. if this works out i will only have to appear there to receive the probations possibly sometime next month. if this indeed happens the Lord will have given me MUCH less than i deserve. i continually live, moment by moment under His mercy..He continually withholds what i deserve..of which this is only one small example.
i have not had any painting work.
i have practiced gluttony, lechery, slothfulness, unbelief and unrepentance. this is my current reaction, in part, to fighting the Lord over consecrating my whole life to Him, submitting, giving my all to Him and reserving nothing from myself. only God can give me the grace to do this. Lord, look down upon me and turn me from my wickedness. help me to give my whole life to do whatever You want and not reserve any secret rooms in my heart that i keep for myself. don't let me go dear Lord, don't let me go on in this rebellion. don't let me rest until i am a whole burnt offering to You, a sweet savor, Lord, to You. make my life absolutely wretched until i give all up...until i do all You want. oh Lord have mercy upon my wretched,wicked soul. amen.
for the better part of a year now the Lord has been speaking to me about giving my whole life to Him with nothing kept out. i have consciously resisted...and still resist. i have learned that when something like this happens, nothing of any real good can come out of such a life..such a life is akin to a living death..one sinner doeth much evil. the items below are some of the fallout that has happened in my life.
between 11. 4 and 12.9.11 i have had four very strong urges (the best way to describe them is, paroxysms of the spirit) to go to jail over abortion with the result that i walked around like a dead man, having no purpose in life, in my thinking, other than to do thus
i have finally gotten over the strong belief that it was my duty to GO TO JAIL over abortion (12.21.2011). as i went to bed in the cell the first night in i felt deserted by God in a way i never have experienced before and knew that i was not where He wanted me to be. i became aware, in a number of ways that God delivered me from this hell within 18 hours for which I thank and praise Him. (i learned:wherever you are without God is hell, i do not want to have to learn this again)
i have been delivered from:
-paroxysms (satan compels; God leads)
-the rage in my heart over abortion which was directed against those who support it as a woman's right
-my mistaken discipleship: following ghandi's non-violent cooperation, rather than Jesus' truth speaking and refusal to resist the evil man, but rather to love my enemy
-my misunderstanding of what a christian is called to suffer for..in the case of abortion the only thing Christ calls me to be willing to suffer for is refusing to support or commit an abortion myself
-a good bit of my inward rebellion against those in authority as a result of seeing a bit of what life is like for those who seek to enforce the law
i decided to REPRESENT MYSELF at the preliminary hearing on 1.27.2012. i came about a half hour early. within a few minutes my arresting police officer approached me asking if it would be acceptable to me, upon pleading guilty to the charges of trespassing at the abortuary in warminster, pa, to have nothing but 2 contiguous one year probations, most likely staying at least .5 mile away from the abortuary. upon agreeing that this would be good, he had me talk with the district attorney and within a few minutes i was referred by the judge to the bucks county courthouse for a preliminary hearing that can be waived. if this works out i will only have to appear there to receive the probations possibly sometime next month. if this indeed happens the Lord will have given me MUCH less than i deserve. i continually live, moment by moment under His mercy..He continually withholds what i deserve..of which this is only one small example.
i have not had any painting work.
i have practiced gluttony, lechery, slothfulness, unbelief and unrepentance. this is my current reaction, in part, to fighting the Lord over consecrating my whole life to Him, submitting, giving my all to Him and reserving nothing from myself. only God can give me the grace to do this. Lord, look down upon me and turn me from my wickedness. help me to give my whole life to do whatever You want and not reserve any secret rooms in my heart that i keep for myself. don't let me go dear Lord, don't let me go on in this rebellion. don't let me rest until i am a whole burnt offering to You, a sweet savor, Lord, to You. make my life absolutely wretched until i give all up...until i do all You want. oh Lord have mercy upon my wretched,wicked soul. amen.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
2.11.2012 E.ROBERT JORDAN in 'CHIEF'
'i was a very young believer and had just come through a tough temptation; i asked my pastor if the christian life gets any easier. i never for got his answer, 'no, but it's one day shorter'. with that thought in mind, i stopped looking for the christian life to get easier, but i'll not stop looking for the coming of Christ.
CONTENTS:
introduction speaks of the battle of his childhood..rejected of his father and step mother, he (aged 3) and two sisters (5 and 1) left home and were placed in an orphanage where the goal of bob was to be the 'top dog' which only came through beating up those above you.
the battle for my soul - salvation
my battle as a new believer
the battle to get into full-time service
the battles for lansdale, pennsylvania
the battle for separation
the battle against bob jones university (where he admits not going privately to bob jones first)
the battle against tragedy (where he speaks of parkinson's disease)
the battle against new evangelicalism
the battle against calvinism
the battle against the flesh
the battle against the masonic lodge
the battle against arminianism
speaking of his tragedy..
1. you act as though it is a mistake because you really do not want to have it.
2. you tend to feel guilty and ashamed about it.
3 you withdraw from crowds, parties and family affairs.
4. it's hard to have fellowship when you can't talk.
5. you feel bad as you watch your family and friends taking pity on you and feeling sorry for you.
wake up! thank God you still have family and friends. (note: and if not them, the Lord...whom have i in heaven but Thee and there is none on earth but Thee...this is the idea anyway.)
at this time the Lord gave me another precious life verse: mark 14.8..speaking of the woman pouring precious oil over Jesus...'she hath done what she could' were Jesus' words..
'the Lord will never ask of require you to do what is impossible ..but everything that He does require, He will provide the wherewithal to do it.
i preached for the best part of 50 years.
i can't do that anymore!..
i was able to see many souls get saved.
i can't do that anymore!
i used to love to sing hymns.
i can't do that anymore!
so what should i do? i could cry, but crying will not stop parkinson's. i could kill myself, but that would destroy my family. that would cause much stumbling.. i could do what job did in one of his strong moments..'though he slay me, yet will i trust in Him. psalm 40.4 says, 'blessed is that man that maketh the lord his trust'. and by God's grace that is what i am learning to do. i would like to be like mary and show that i can do what i can do with all of my might.
after finding out what i couldn't do, i determined to find out what i could..
i couldn't do electrical work, but i could be the electrician's gofer.
i am not a carpenter, but i could be his helper.
i cna't do any electronics, but i can follow someone around and be his cleanup man.
i am not much at gardening, but i can did, haul, plant and pull weeds.
i can't install a dropped ceiling, but i can hand up, pick up and pile up after someone.
i found in scripture a verse that makes me eligible to serve in God's haouse to work with my hands: II corinthians 8.12, 'for if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not'.
i found that by working around the church i met a lot of members in a new way. we became good friends and learned a lot about each other's needs. we found a lot of time to pray together and it certainly changed our prayer life.
if there is a need, then no job is too small or too dirty. jobs i found that needed a willing believer to perform are
straightening up the pews after the evening service
repairing hymnals
picking up trash outside the building
setting up sunday school rooms and other rooms that will be used
volunteering to drive or pick up missionaries and take the sick to the doctor or hospital
praying and developing a good prayer list
visiting the hospital and shut-ins
cutting the grass
shoveling the snow
helping members (note: or anyone?) move
replacing burned-out bulbs
mailing letters to missionaries
folding the sunday bulletins
taking a hot meal to a shut-in
meet tragedy with II peter 1.4-10..'giving all diligence add to your faith virtue..knowledge..temperance..patience..godliness..brotherly kindness..charity..for if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of the Lord..for if ye do these things, YE SHALL NEVER FALL.
battle against the flesh
the goals of God for the christian -
1. II corinthians 2.14 - we do not always triumph , do we?
2. romans 8.38-9 - we allow a lot of things to separate us from the love of God
3. galatians 2.20 - we are not always crucified with Christ
4. I corinthians 15.57 - many times we are defeated
5. I peter 1.8 - we are not always filled with joy unspeakable and full of glory
6. II corinthians 13.11 - there is turmoil and division on every hand
7. galatians 1.4 - are you delivered from this present evil age?
what to do -
1. i DIE daily I corinthians 15.31 (II corinthians 4.10)
2. i SEARCH THE SCRIPTURES daily (acts 17.11)
3. i TAKE UP MY CROSS daily (luke 9.23)
4. i PRAY daily (I thessalonians 5.17)
5. i PRAISE daily (psalm 119.164)
6. i DEPEND ON THE LORD daily (luke 11.3)
7. i CONFESS MY SINS daily (I john 1.9)
8. i PERFORM MY VOWS daily (psalm 61.8)
SINS -
7 that come from the natural heart and defile (matthew 15.18-20)
13 that come from the natural heart and defile (mark 7.21-3)
23 that bring the judgment of God (romans 1.29-32)
7 that christians must not do (romans 13.13-4)
10 that bar from the kingdom of God (I corinthians 6.9-10)
11 from which christians must turn away (II cor. 12.20-1)
17 that bar from the kingdom of God (galatians 5.19-21)
9 in which the unsaved live and in which christians must not live (ephesians 4.17-9)
9 that christians must put away (ephesians 4.25,28-9,31)
6 that must not be named as existing among christians (ephesians 5.3-4)
4 that bar from the kingdom of God and of Christ and that bring the wrath of God (ephesians 5.5-6)
6 that christians must mortify and that bring the wrath of God (colossians 3.5-6)
14 for which the law was given (I timothy 1.9-10)
19 from which christians must turn away. (II timothy 3.1-5)
9 from which christians are saved (titus 3.3-5)
5 that christians must lay aside (I peter 2.1)
7 sins of the flesh in which christians used to live (I peter 4.2-4)
8 that condemn to the lake of fire (revelation 21.8)
6 that bar from the tree of life and the holy city (revelation 22.15)
-don't call sin by a euphemism. ie. gluttony not overeating, lying not fibbing, stealing not borrowing, adultery not lusting, murder not hate.
-be specific when you confess your 'sinS' I john 1.9)
-ask God to make sin exceedingly sinful to you, rather than treat it as the world, flesh and devil would have you treat it
WALK in the control of the Spirit (galatians 5.16)
WALK not according to the course of this world (ephesisns 2.2)
WALK as His workmanship (ephesians 2.1)
WALK not as the lost ( ephesians 4.17)
WALK in love (ephesians 5.2)
WALK as children of the light (ephesians 5.8)
WALK in wisdom toward them that are without (colossians 4.5)
WALK circumspectly, with caution ( ephesians 5.15)
it's ok to get excited about anything except
being saved
being forgiven
going to heaven
having my whole rotten life completely changed
having a KNOW SO salvation
being able to pray...and for the first time in my life knowing he heard me.
expect and live so as and pray so as that your salvation gets 'gooder and gooder'!
this man was the man who baptized me and who started the seminary i graduated from. may God help me to walk in his steps as he walked in Yours, dear Lord.
CONTENTS:
introduction speaks of the battle of his childhood..rejected of his father and step mother, he (aged 3) and two sisters (5 and 1) left home and were placed in an orphanage where the goal of bob was to be the 'top dog' which only came through beating up those above you.
the battle for my soul - salvation
my battle as a new believer
the battle to get into full-time service
the battles for lansdale, pennsylvania
the battle for separation
the battle against bob jones university (where he admits not going privately to bob jones first)
the battle against tragedy (where he speaks of parkinson's disease)
the battle against new evangelicalism
the battle against calvinism
the battle against the flesh
the battle against the masonic lodge
the battle against arminianism
speaking of his tragedy..
1. you act as though it is a mistake because you really do not want to have it.
2. you tend to feel guilty and ashamed about it.
3 you withdraw from crowds, parties and family affairs.
4. it's hard to have fellowship when you can't talk.
5. you feel bad as you watch your family and friends taking pity on you and feeling sorry for you.
wake up! thank God you still have family and friends. (note: and if not them, the Lord...whom have i in heaven but Thee and there is none on earth but Thee...this is the idea anyway.)
at this time the Lord gave me another precious life verse: mark 14.8..speaking of the woman pouring precious oil over Jesus...'she hath done what she could' were Jesus' words..
'the Lord will never ask of require you to do what is impossible ..but everything that He does require, He will provide the wherewithal to do it.
i preached for the best part of 50 years.
i can't do that anymore!..
i was able to see many souls get saved.
i can't do that anymore!
i used to love to sing hymns.
i can't do that anymore!
so what should i do? i could cry, but crying will not stop parkinson's. i could kill myself, but that would destroy my family. that would cause much stumbling.. i could do what job did in one of his strong moments..'though he slay me, yet will i trust in Him. psalm 40.4 says, 'blessed is that man that maketh the lord his trust'. and by God's grace that is what i am learning to do. i would like to be like mary and show that i can do what i can do with all of my might.
after finding out what i couldn't do, i determined to find out what i could..
i couldn't do electrical work, but i could be the electrician's gofer.
i am not a carpenter, but i could be his helper.
i cna't do any electronics, but i can follow someone around and be his cleanup man.
i am not much at gardening, but i can did, haul, plant and pull weeds.
i can't install a dropped ceiling, but i can hand up, pick up and pile up after someone.
i found in scripture a verse that makes me eligible to serve in God's haouse to work with my hands: II corinthians 8.12, 'for if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not'.
i found that by working around the church i met a lot of members in a new way. we became good friends and learned a lot about each other's needs. we found a lot of time to pray together and it certainly changed our prayer life.
if there is a need, then no job is too small or too dirty. jobs i found that needed a willing believer to perform are
straightening up the pews after the evening service
repairing hymnals
picking up trash outside the building
setting up sunday school rooms and other rooms that will be used
volunteering to drive or pick up missionaries and take the sick to the doctor or hospital
praying and developing a good prayer list
visiting the hospital and shut-ins
cutting the grass
shoveling the snow
helping members (note: or anyone?) move
replacing burned-out bulbs
mailing letters to missionaries
folding the sunday bulletins
taking a hot meal to a shut-in
meet tragedy with II peter 1.4-10..'giving all diligence add to your faith virtue..knowledge..temperance..patience..godliness..brotherly kindness..charity..for if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of the Lord..for if ye do these things, YE SHALL NEVER FALL.
battle against the flesh
the goals of God for the christian -
1. II corinthians 2.14 - we do not always triumph , do we?
2. romans 8.38-9 - we allow a lot of things to separate us from the love of God
3. galatians 2.20 - we are not always crucified with Christ
4. I corinthians 15.57 - many times we are defeated
5. I peter 1.8 - we are not always filled with joy unspeakable and full of glory
6. II corinthians 13.11 - there is turmoil and division on every hand
7. galatians 1.4 - are you delivered from this present evil age?
what to do -
1. i DIE daily I corinthians 15.31 (II corinthians 4.10)
2. i SEARCH THE SCRIPTURES daily (acts 17.11)
3. i TAKE UP MY CROSS daily (luke 9.23)
4. i PRAY daily (I thessalonians 5.17)
5. i PRAISE daily (psalm 119.164)
6. i DEPEND ON THE LORD daily (luke 11.3)
7. i CONFESS MY SINS daily (I john 1.9)
8. i PERFORM MY VOWS daily (psalm 61.8)
SINS -
7 that come from the natural heart and defile (matthew 15.18-20)
13 that come from the natural heart and defile (mark 7.21-3)
23 that bring the judgment of God (romans 1.29-32)
7 that christians must not do (romans 13.13-4)
10 that bar from the kingdom of God (I corinthians 6.9-10)
11 from which christians must turn away (II cor. 12.20-1)
17 that bar from the kingdom of God (galatians 5.19-21)
9 in which the unsaved live and in which christians must not live (ephesians 4.17-9)
9 that christians must put away (ephesians 4.25,28-9,31)
6 that must not be named as existing among christians (ephesians 5.3-4)
4 that bar from the kingdom of God and of Christ and that bring the wrath of God (ephesians 5.5-6)
6 that christians must mortify and that bring the wrath of God (colossians 3.5-6)
14 for which the law was given (I timothy 1.9-10)
19 from which christians must turn away. (II timothy 3.1-5)
9 from which christians are saved (titus 3.3-5)
5 that christians must lay aside (I peter 2.1)
7 sins of the flesh in which christians used to live (I peter 4.2-4)
8 that condemn to the lake of fire (revelation 21.8)
6 that bar from the tree of life and the holy city (revelation 22.15)
-don't call sin by a euphemism. ie. gluttony not overeating, lying not fibbing, stealing not borrowing, adultery not lusting, murder not hate.
-be specific when you confess your 'sinS' I john 1.9)
-ask God to make sin exceedingly sinful to you, rather than treat it as the world, flesh and devil would have you treat it
WALK in the control of the Spirit (galatians 5.16)
WALK not according to the course of this world (ephesisns 2.2)
WALK as His workmanship (ephesians 2.1)
WALK not as the lost ( ephesians 4.17)
WALK in love (ephesians 5.2)
WALK as children of the light (ephesians 5.8)
WALK in wisdom toward them that are without (colossians 4.5)
WALK circumspectly, with caution ( ephesians 5.15)
it's ok to get excited about anything except
being saved
being forgiven
going to heaven
having my whole rotten life completely changed
having a KNOW SO salvation
being able to pray...and for the first time in my life knowing he heard me.
expect and live so as and pray so as that your salvation gets 'gooder and gooder'!
this man was the man who baptized me and who started the seminary i graduated from. may God help me to walk in his steps as he walked in Yours, dear Lord.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
2.9.2012 JOHN BUNYAN: CALL TO WORK FOR GOD
...after i had been about 5 or 6 years awakened and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus..and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him, some of the most able among the saints with us..did perceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of His will in His holy..word..desired me, and that with much earnestness, that i would be willing..to take in hand..to speak a word of exhortation unto them.
the which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit..i consented..and did..though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them. ..they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father..for the grace bestowed on me.
after this, sometimes when some of them did go into the country to teach, they would also that i should go with them; where, though as yet i did not, nor durst not, make use of my gift..yet more privately still..i did sometimes speak a word of admonition..the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.
wherefore..being still desired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting, i was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching..not only amongst them..but also to offer the gospel to those that had not yet received..about which time i did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto..
but yet i could not be content, unless i was found in the exercise of my gift, unto which also i was greatly animated, not only by the continual desires of the godly but also by..paul to the corinthians 9ye know the household of stephanas..that they have addicted themselves the the ministry of the saints..
by this text i was made to see that the Holy Spirit never intended that men who have gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do..they have addicted themselves...
wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy, yet i, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my won weakness, did set upon the work and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach..which, when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds and that from all parts..
and i thank God He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless, lay hold of and awaken the conscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his servant. for i had not preached long before some began to be touched and to be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin and of their need of Jesus..
but i at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus were touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me; and though i did put it from me...still they would confess it and affirm it before the saints..they would also bless God for me..and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.
wherefore, seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus,...rejoicing that ever God did send me where they were; then i began to conclude it might be so, that god had owned in His work such a foolish one as i, and then came that word..with much sweet refreshment, 'the blessing of them that were ready to perish is come upon me: yea i caused the widow's heart to sing for joy.
at this therefore i rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me; for i thought on those sayings, 'who is he that maketh me glad but the same that is made sorry by me? ..though i be not an apostle to others, yet, doubtless, i am to you: for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord.
in my preaching of the word, i took special notice of this one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege that the curse of God, by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on, all men as they come into the world, because of sin. now this part of my work i fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience. i preached what i felt, what i smartingly did feel, even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.
indeed i have been as one sent to them from the dead. i went myself in chains to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in my own conscience that i persuaded them to beware of. i can truly say, and that without dissembling, what when i have been to preach, i have gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit-door, and there it hath been taken off; and i have been at liberty in my mind until i have done my work, and then immediately, even before i could get down the pulpit-stairs, i have been as bad as i was before. yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.
thus i went for the space of 2 years, crying out against men's sins, and their fearful state because of them. after which the lord came in upon my own soul with some staid peace and comfort through Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed Grace through him. wherefore now i altered in my preaching (for still i preached what i saw and felt); now therefore i did much labour to hold forth Jesus..in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to discover, condemn and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. on these things also i staid as long as on the other.
after this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union with Christ. wherefore that i discovered and shewed to them also. and when i had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God, about the space of 5 years or more, i was caught in my present practice and cast into prison, where i have lain above as long again, to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as i was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures in a way of preaching.
when i have been in preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often, all the time of this and the other exercise, WITH GREAT EARNESTNESS CRIED TO GOD THAT HE WOULD MAKE THE WORD EFFECTUAL TO THE SALVATION OF THE SOUL; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful. wherefore i should labour so to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it.
also, when i have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart to think the word would now fall as rain on stony places, still wishing from my heart, o that they who have heard me speak this day did see as i do what sin, death, hell and the curse of God is; and also what the grace and love and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him.
for i have been in my preaching, especially when i have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ without works, as if an angel of god had stood by at my back to encourage me. oh, it had been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul., while i have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it and to fasten it upon the conscience of others, that i could not be contented with saying, i believe and am sure; methought i was more than sure (if it be lawful so to express myself), that those things which then i asserted were true.
then i went first to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me. but i was persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing, but to see how many of their carnal professors i could convince of their miserable state by the law and of the want and worth of Christ; for, thought i, this shall answer for me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before their face.
i never cared to meddle with things that were controverted and in dispute amongst the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus; but i say, as to the other things, i should let them alone, because i saw they engendered strife and because that they neither, in doing nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God to be His. besides, i saw my work before me did run in another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did i stick and adhere.
i never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of, other men's lines (though i condemn not all that do), for i verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained and stood to by the soundest and best established conscience3; and though i will not now speak all that i know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of ..gal. 1.11-2, than many amongst men are aware.
if any of those who were awakened by my ministry did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), i can truly day their loss hath been more to me than if one of my own children, begotten of my body, had been going to its grave. i think, verily, i may speak it without an offence to the Lord, nothing hath gone so near me as that, unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. i have counted as if i had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that i counted myself more blessed and honored of God by this than if He had made me the emperor of the christian world, or the Lord of all the glory of the earth without it. of these words,
he that converteth a sinner from the error of his way doth save a soul from death.
the fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.
they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars forever and ever..
for what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming? for ye are our glory and joy.
these, i say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.
i have observed, that where i have had a work to do for God, i have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit to desire i might preach there. i have also observed that such and such souls in particular have been strongly set upon my heart, and i stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. i have observed, that a word cast in by the bye hath done more execution in a sermon than all that was spoken besides; sometimes also when i have thot i did no good, then i did most of all; and at other times when i thot i should catch them i have fished for nothing.
i have also observed, that where there hath been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts, and by the mouths of His servants. yea, oftentimes when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word.
my desire in ..fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were furthest off of profession. yet not because i could not endure the light, for i feared not to show my gospel to any, but because i found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that i carried did lean itself most that way also; ye, so have i strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest i should build upon another man's foundation.
in my preaching i have really been in pain and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could i be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. if i were fruitless it mattered not who commended me; but if i were fruitful, i cared not who did condemn. i have thot of that,
he that winneth souls is wise; and again
lo, children are an heritage of the lord; and the fruit of the womb is His reward.
as arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of the youth. happy is the man that hath filled his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
it pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions if they seemed ignorant of Jesus..and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief and an heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul. that it was that delighted me; those were the souls i counted blessed.
but in this work, as in all other, i had my temptations attending me, and that of diverse kinds; as sometimes i should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that i should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that i should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times i should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness size upon my body that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
sometimes, again, when i have been preaching, i have been violently assaulted with thots of blasphemy and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. i have also at some times, even when i have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been before the ending of that opportunity so blinded, and so estranged from the things i have been speaking and have also been so straitened in my speech as to utterance before the people, that i have been as if i had not known or remembered what i have been about, or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the exercise.
again, when at sometimes i have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, i have found the tempter suggest, 'what! will you preach this? this condemns yourself; of this your own soul is guilty. wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you do, yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, as you will never get from under.
but, i thank the Lord, i have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as samson, bowed myself with all my might to condemn sin and transgression wherever i found it; yea, though therein also i did bring guilt upon my own conscience! let me die, thot i, with the philistines, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of god, thou that teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? it is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in unrighteousness. blessed be god for His help also in this.
i have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart; and though i dare not say i have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord, of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that, for the most part, i have had but small joy to give way to such a thing. for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments. i have felt this thorn in the flesh the very mercy of God to me.
i have had also, together with this, some notable place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts. as, for instance, that hath been of great use unto me, though i speak with the tongue of men and angels, and have not charity, i am become as sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal.
a tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skillful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music that all who hear him play can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, neighbor come the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though, in times past such music hath been made upon it.
just thus i saw it was and will be with them who have gifts, but want saving grace. they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of david; and as david could, with the cymbal, make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.
this consideration, therefore, together with some others, were, for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vainglory. what, thought i, shall i be proud because i am a sounding brass? is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of god in it than these? besides, i knew 'twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish. so i concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of god, is better than alll these gifts. yea, and i am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method, i say it is possible for them to have a 1000 times more grace and so to be more in the love and favor of the lord than some who, by virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.
thus, therefore, i came to perceive, that though gifts in themselves were good to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the edification or others; yet empty and without power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they be alone. neithe are they, as so. any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement or non-improvement, they must, when a little love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.
this showed me too, that gifts, being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain-glory, self-conceit, etc, all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.
i saw therefore that he that hath gifts had need be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them and so fall short of the grace of God.
he hath also cause to walk humbly with God, and be little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the Church's; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewarship unto the Lord Jesus; and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.
let all men therfore prize a little with the fear of the Lord. gifts indeed are desirable, but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. it doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such as one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace, for that is a certain forerunner of glory.
but when satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of me would not answer his design, to wit, to overthrow my ministry and make it ineffectual as to the ends thereof; then he tried another way, which was to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious, to load me with slanders and reproaches. now therfore i may say, that what the devil could devise and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, thinking, as i said, that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned.
it began therfore to be rumoured up and down among the people, that i was a witch, a jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.
to all which i shall only say, God knows that i am innocent. ..but that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that i had my misses, my whores, my bastards, yea, two wives at once, and the like. now these slanders..i glory in..and should i not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world, i should want one sign of a saint and child of God. blessed are you (said the Lord Jesus) when men shall revile you and persecute you and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake; rejoice and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
these things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no, though they were 20 times more than they are. i have a good conscience and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evildoer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.
so then, what shall i say to those that have thus bespattered me? shall i threaten them? shall i chide them? shall i flatter them/ shall i entreat them to hold their tongues? no, not i. where it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation that are the authors an abettors, i would say unto them, report it, because it will increase my glory...therefore i bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament...
i also calling all those..to prove against me truly..that there is any woman...and speak i thus, to beg mine enemies into a good esteem of me; no, not i...my foes have missed their mark in this their shooting at me. i am not the man. i wish that they themselves be guiltless. if all the fornicators and adulterers in england were hanged.., john bunyan, ..would be still alive and well.
and in this i admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of women from my first conversion until now. those know and can also bear me witness, with whom i have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman. the common salutation of women i abhor; 'tis odious to me in whosoever i see it. their company alone, i cannot away with. i seldom so much as touch a woman's hand, for i think these things are not so becoming me. when i have seen good men salute those women that they have visited or that have visited them, i have at times made my objection against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, i have told them it is not a comely sight. some indeed have urged the holy kiss; but then i have asked why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome and let the ill-favoured go?
the which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit..i consented..and did..though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them. ..they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father..for the grace bestowed on me.
after this, sometimes when some of them did go into the country to teach, they would also that i should go with them; where, though as yet i did not, nor durst not, make use of my gift..yet more privately still..i did sometimes speak a word of admonition..the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.
wherefore..being still desired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting, i was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching..not only amongst them..but also to offer the gospel to those that had not yet received..about which time i did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto..
but yet i could not be content, unless i was found in the exercise of my gift, unto which also i was greatly animated, not only by the continual desires of the godly but also by..paul to the corinthians 9ye know the household of stephanas..that they have addicted themselves the the ministry of the saints..
by this text i was made to see that the Holy Spirit never intended that men who have gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do..they have addicted themselves...
wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy, yet i, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my won weakness, did set upon the work and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach..which, when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds and that from all parts..
and i thank God He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless, lay hold of and awaken the conscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his servant. for i had not preached long before some began to be touched and to be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin and of their need of Jesus..
but i at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus were touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me; and though i did put it from me...still they would confess it and affirm it before the saints..they would also bless God for me..and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.
wherefore, seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus,...rejoicing that ever God did send me where they were; then i began to conclude it might be so, that god had owned in His work such a foolish one as i, and then came that word..with much sweet refreshment, 'the blessing of them that were ready to perish is come upon me: yea i caused the widow's heart to sing for joy.
at this therefore i rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me; for i thought on those sayings, 'who is he that maketh me glad but the same that is made sorry by me? ..though i be not an apostle to others, yet, doubtless, i am to you: for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord.
in my preaching of the word, i took special notice of this one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege that the curse of God, by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on, all men as they come into the world, because of sin. now this part of my work i fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience. i preached what i felt, what i smartingly did feel, even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.
indeed i have been as one sent to them from the dead. i went myself in chains to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in my own conscience that i persuaded them to beware of. i can truly say, and that without dissembling, what when i have been to preach, i have gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit-door, and there it hath been taken off; and i have been at liberty in my mind until i have done my work, and then immediately, even before i could get down the pulpit-stairs, i have been as bad as i was before. yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.
thus i went for the space of 2 years, crying out against men's sins, and their fearful state because of them. after which the lord came in upon my own soul with some staid peace and comfort through Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed Grace through him. wherefore now i altered in my preaching (for still i preached what i saw and felt); now therefore i did much labour to hold forth Jesus..in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to discover, condemn and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. on these things also i staid as long as on the other.
after this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union with Christ. wherefore that i discovered and shewed to them also. and when i had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God, about the space of 5 years or more, i was caught in my present practice and cast into prison, where i have lain above as long again, to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as i was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures in a way of preaching.
when i have been in preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often, all the time of this and the other exercise, WITH GREAT EARNESTNESS CRIED TO GOD THAT HE WOULD MAKE THE WORD EFFECTUAL TO THE SALVATION OF THE SOUL; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful. wherefore i should labour so to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it.
also, when i have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart to think the word would now fall as rain on stony places, still wishing from my heart, o that they who have heard me speak this day did see as i do what sin, death, hell and the curse of God is; and also what the grace and love and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him.
for i have been in my preaching, especially when i have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ without works, as if an angel of god had stood by at my back to encourage me. oh, it had been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul., while i have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it and to fasten it upon the conscience of others, that i could not be contented with saying, i believe and am sure; methought i was more than sure (if it be lawful so to express myself), that those things which then i asserted were true.
then i went first to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me. but i was persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing, but to see how many of their carnal professors i could convince of their miserable state by the law and of the want and worth of Christ; for, thought i, this shall answer for me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before their face.
i never cared to meddle with things that were controverted and in dispute amongst the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus; but i say, as to the other things, i should let them alone, because i saw they engendered strife and because that they neither, in doing nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God to be His. besides, i saw my work before me did run in another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did i stick and adhere.
i never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of, other men's lines (though i condemn not all that do), for i verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained and stood to by the soundest and best established conscience3; and though i will not now speak all that i know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of ..gal. 1.11-2, than many amongst men are aware.
if any of those who were awakened by my ministry did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), i can truly day their loss hath been more to me than if one of my own children, begotten of my body, had been going to its grave. i think, verily, i may speak it without an offence to the Lord, nothing hath gone so near me as that, unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. i have counted as if i had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that i counted myself more blessed and honored of God by this than if He had made me the emperor of the christian world, or the Lord of all the glory of the earth without it. of these words,
he that converteth a sinner from the error of his way doth save a soul from death.
the fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.
they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars forever and ever..
for what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming? for ye are our glory and joy.
these, i say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.
i have observed, that where i have had a work to do for God, i have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit to desire i might preach there. i have also observed that such and such souls in particular have been strongly set upon my heart, and i stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. i have observed, that a word cast in by the bye hath done more execution in a sermon than all that was spoken besides; sometimes also when i have thot i did no good, then i did most of all; and at other times when i thot i should catch them i have fished for nothing.
i have also observed, that where there hath been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts, and by the mouths of His servants. yea, oftentimes when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word.
my desire in ..fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were furthest off of profession. yet not because i could not endure the light, for i feared not to show my gospel to any, but because i found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that i carried did lean itself most that way also; ye, so have i strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest i should build upon another man's foundation.
in my preaching i have really been in pain and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could i be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. if i were fruitless it mattered not who commended me; but if i were fruitful, i cared not who did condemn. i have thot of that,
he that winneth souls is wise; and again
lo, children are an heritage of the lord; and the fruit of the womb is His reward.
as arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of the youth. happy is the man that hath filled his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
it pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions if they seemed ignorant of Jesus..and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief and an heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul. that it was that delighted me; those were the souls i counted blessed.
but in this work, as in all other, i had my temptations attending me, and that of diverse kinds; as sometimes i should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that i should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that i should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times i should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness size upon my body that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
sometimes, again, when i have been preaching, i have been violently assaulted with thots of blasphemy and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. i have also at some times, even when i have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been before the ending of that opportunity so blinded, and so estranged from the things i have been speaking and have also been so straitened in my speech as to utterance before the people, that i have been as if i had not known or remembered what i have been about, or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the exercise.
again, when at sometimes i have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, i have found the tempter suggest, 'what! will you preach this? this condemns yourself; of this your own soul is guilty. wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you do, yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, as you will never get from under.
but, i thank the Lord, i have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as samson, bowed myself with all my might to condemn sin and transgression wherever i found it; yea, though therein also i did bring guilt upon my own conscience! let me die, thot i, with the philistines, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of god, thou that teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? it is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in unrighteousness. blessed be god for His help also in this.
i have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart; and though i dare not say i have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord, of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that, for the most part, i have had but small joy to give way to such a thing. for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments. i have felt this thorn in the flesh the very mercy of God to me.
i have had also, together with this, some notable place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts. as, for instance, that hath been of great use unto me, though i speak with the tongue of men and angels, and have not charity, i am become as sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal.
a tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skillful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music that all who hear him play can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, neighbor come the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though, in times past such music hath been made upon it.
just thus i saw it was and will be with them who have gifts, but want saving grace. they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of david; and as david could, with the cymbal, make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.
this consideration, therefore, together with some others, were, for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vainglory. what, thought i, shall i be proud because i am a sounding brass? is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of god in it than these? besides, i knew 'twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish. so i concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of god, is better than alll these gifts. yea, and i am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method, i say it is possible for them to have a 1000 times more grace and so to be more in the love and favor of the lord than some who, by virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.
thus, therefore, i came to perceive, that though gifts in themselves were good to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the edification or others; yet empty and without power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they be alone. neithe are they, as so. any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement or non-improvement, they must, when a little love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.
this showed me too, that gifts, being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain-glory, self-conceit, etc, all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.
i saw therefore that he that hath gifts had need be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them and so fall short of the grace of God.
he hath also cause to walk humbly with God, and be little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the Church's; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewarship unto the Lord Jesus; and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.
let all men therfore prize a little with the fear of the Lord. gifts indeed are desirable, but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. it doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such as one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace, for that is a certain forerunner of glory.
but when satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of me would not answer his design, to wit, to overthrow my ministry and make it ineffectual as to the ends thereof; then he tried another way, which was to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious, to load me with slanders and reproaches. now therfore i may say, that what the devil could devise and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, thinking, as i said, that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned.
it began therfore to be rumoured up and down among the people, that i was a witch, a jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.
to all which i shall only say, God knows that i am innocent. ..but that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that i had my misses, my whores, my bastards, yea, two wives at once, and the like. now these slanders..i glory in..and should i not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world, i should want one sign of a saint and child of God. blessed are you (said the Lord Jesus) when men shall revile you and persecute you and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake; rejoice and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
these things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no, though they were 20 times more than they are. i have a good conscience and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evildoer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.
so then, what shall i say to those that have thus bespattered me? shall i threaten them? shall i chide them? shall i flatter them/ shall i entreat them to hold their tongues? no, not i. where it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation that are the authors an abettors, i would say unto them, report it, because it will increase my glory...therefore i bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament...
i also calling all those..to prove against me truly..that there is any woman...and speak i thus, to beg mine enemies into a good esteem of me; no, not i...my foes have missed their mark in this their shooting at me. i am not the man. i wish that they themselves be guiltless. if all the fornicators and adulterers in england were hanged.., john bunyan, ..would be still alive and well.
and in this i admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of women from my first conversion until now. those know and can also bear me witness, with whom i have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman. the common salutation of women i abhor; 'tis odious to me in whosoever i see it. their company alone, i cannot away with. i seldom so much as touch a woman's hand, for i think these things are not so becoming me. when i have seen good men salute those women that they have visited or that have visited them, i have at times made my objection against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, i have told them it is not a comely sight. some indeed have urged the holy kiss; but then i have asked why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome and let the ill-favoured go?
Monday, February 6, 2012
2.6.2012 LUTHER'S STRUGGLE OF FAITH/DEPRESSION
from bainton's bio..of luther it is said, 'the content of the depressions was always the same, the loss of faith that God is good and that He is good to ME. after the frightful anfechtung (akin to spiritually-based angst) of 1527 l wrote, 'for more than a week i was close to the gates of death and hell. i trembled in all my members. Christ was wholly lost. i was shaken by desperation and blasphemy of God'. his agony in the later years was all the more intense because he was a physician of souls; and if the medicine which he had prescribed for himself and for them was actually poison, how frightful was his responsibility. the great problem for him was not to know where his depressions came from, but to know how to overcome them. in the course of repeated utterances on the subject he worked out a technique for himself and for his parishioners.
the first comfort which he offered was the reflection that intense upheavals of the spirit are necessary for valid solutions of genuine religious problems. the emotional reactions may be unduly acute, for the devil always turns a louse into a camel. nevertheless the way of man with God cannot be tranquil.
'if i live longer, i would like to write a book about anfechtungen, for without them no man can understand scripture, faith, the fear or the love of God. he does not know the meaning of hope who was never subject to tempations. david must have been plagued by a very fearful devil. he could not have had such profound insights if he had not experienced great assaults.
l verged on saying that an excessive emotional sensitivity is a mode of revelation. those who are predisposed to fall into despondency as well as to rise into ecstasy may be able to view reality from an angle different from that of ordinary folk. yet it is a true angle; and when the problem or the religious object has been once so viewed, others less sensitive will be able to look from a new vantage point and testify that the insight is valid.
l felt that his depressions were necessary. at the same time they were dreadful and by all means and in every way to be avoided and overcome. his whole life was a struggle against them, a fight for faith. this is the point at which he interests us so acutely, for we too are cast down and we too would know how to assuage our despondency. l had 2 methods: the one was a head on attack, the other an approach by way of indirection. sometimes he would engage in direct encounter with the devil. this particular ..may amuse the modern reader and incline him not to take l seriously; but it is noteworthy that what the devil says to l is only what one says to oneself in moments of introspection, and, what is still more significant, only the minor difficulties were referred to the devil. in all the major encounters, God Himself was the assailant. the devil was something of a relief. l relished, by comparison, the personification of his enemy in the form of a being whom he could bait without danger of blasphemy. he describes with gusto some of these bouts"
'when i go to bed, the devil is always waiting for me. when he begins to plague me, i give him this answer; 'devil, i must sleep. that's God's command, 'work by day. sleep by night' so go away.' if that doesn't work and he brings out a catalog of sins, i say, 'yes..i know all about it. and i know some more you have overlooked. here are a few extra. put them down'. if he still won't quit and presses me hard and accuses me as a sinner, i scorn him and say, 'St. satan, pray for me. of course you have never done anything wrong in your life. you alone are holy. go to God and get grace for yourself. if you want to get me all straightened out, i say, 'physician, heal thyself'.'
sometimes l had the temerity to undertake also the greater encounter with God Himself. 'i dispute much with god with great impatience and i hold him to his promises'. the canaanite woman was a source of unending wonder and comfort to l because she had the audacity to argue with Christ. when she asked him to come and cure her daughter, he answered that he was not sent but to the lost sheep of the house of israel and that it was not meet to take the children's bread and give it to the dogs. she did not dispute his judgment. she agreed that she was a dog. she asked no more than that which befits a dog, to lick up the crumbs which fall from the children's table. she took Christ as his own words. he then treated her not as a dog but as a child of israel.
'all this is written for our comfort that we should see how deeply God hides his face and how we must not go by our feeling but only by his word. all Christ's answers sounded like no, but He did not men no. He had not said that she was a dog. He had not said no. yet all His answers were more like no than yes. this shows how our heart feels in despondency. it sees nothing but a plain no. therefore it must turn to the deep hidden yes under the no and hold with a firm faith to God's word'.
at times, however, l advised against any attempt to wrestle one's way through.
'don't argue with the devil. he has had 5,000 years of experience. he has tried out all his tricks on adam, abraham and david and he knows exactly the weak spots'. and he is persistent. if he does not get you down with the first assault, he will commence a siege of attrition until you give in form sheer exhaustion.
better banish the whole subject.
seek company and discuss some irrelevant matter as, for example, what is going on in venice.
shun solitude. 'eve got into trouble when she walked in the garden alone. i have had my worst temptations when i am by myself'.
seek out some christian brother, some wise counselor.
undergird yourself with the fellowship of the church.
then, too, seek convivial company, feminine company, dine, dance, joke, and sing.
make yourself eat and drink even though food may be very distasteful. fasting is the very worst expedient.
once l gave three rules for dispelling despondency;
1. faith in Christ
2. get downright angry
3. the love of a woman..home life was a comfort and a diversion. so also was the presence of his wife when the devil assaulted him in the night watches. 'then i turn to my katie and say, 'forbid me to have such temptations and recall me from such vain vexations'.
the devil hates it because he cannot endure gaiety.
manual labor was a relief. a good way to exorcise the devil is to harness the horse and spread manure on the fields.
in all this advice to flee the fray l was in a way prescribing faith as a cure for the lack of faith. to give up the argument is of itself an act of faith akin to the gelassenheit of the mystics, an expression of confidence in the restorative power of God, who operates in the subconscious while man occupies himself with extraneous things.
if l was disturbed about the state of the world and the state of the Church, he could gain reassurance only through the recognition that as a matter of plain fact the situation was not bad.
at other times the depression was with regard to himself. one recalls his oscillation of feeling at the wartburg as to whether he had been brash or craven. the answer in his own case could never be that he had any claim on God, and then the question forever recurred whether God would then be gracious. when one is assailed by this doubt, where shall one turn? l would say that one never knows where, but always somewhere. to inquire after the starting point of l's theology is futile. it begins where it can. Christ Himself appears variable, sometimes as a good shepherd and sometimes as the avenging judge. if then Christ appeared hostile, l would turn to God and would recall the first commandment, 'I am the Lord thy God'....he would say, 'let go everything in which i have trusted. Lord, Thou alone givest help and comfort. Thou hast said that Thou wouldst help me. i believe Thy word. o my God and Lord, i have heard from Thee a joyful and comforting word. i hold to it. i know Thou wilt not lie to me. no matter how Thou mayest appear, Thou wilt keep what Thou hast promised, that and nothing else'.
on the other hand, if God hides Himself in the storm clouds which brood over the brow of sinai, then gather about the manger..or again, if Christ and God alike are unapproachable, then look upon the firmament of the heavens and marvel at the work of God ,who sustains them without pillars. or take the meanest flower and see in the smallest petal the handiwork of God.
but above all else..the record of the revelation of God in Christ. 'the true christian pilgrimage is not to rome or compostela, but to the prophets, the psalms and the gospels'. ..he was completely lost unless he could find something without on which to lay hold. and this he found in the scriptures...he saw God in the midst of the despondencies of the biblical characters..
'abraham was told by God that he must sacrifice the son of his old age by a miracle, the seed through whom he was to become the father of kings and of a great nation. a turned pale. not only would he lose his son, but God appeared to be a liar. He had said, 'in isaac shall be thy seed', but now He said, 'kill i'. who would not hate a God so cruel and contradictory? how a longed to talk it over with someone! could he not tell sarah? but he well knew that if he mentioned it to anyone he would be dissuaded and prevented from carrying out the behest. the spot designated for the sacrifice, mount moriah, was some distance away; 'and a rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and did not leave the saddling of the ass to others. he himself laid on the beast the wood for the burnt offering. he was thinking all the time that these logs would consume his son, his hope of seed. with these very sticks that he was picking up the boy would be burned. in such a terrible case should he not take time to think it over? could he not tell sarah? with what inner tears he suffered! he girt the ass and was so absorbed he scarcely knew what he was doing.
he took 2 servants and i his son. in that moment everything died in him; sarah, his family, his home, i. this is what it is to sit in sackcloth and ashes. if he had known that this was only a trial, he would not have been tried. such is the nature of our trials that while they last we cannot see the end. 'then on the third day a lifted up his eyes and saw the place afar off'. what a battle he had endured in those three days! there a left the servants and the ass, and he laid the wood upon i and himself took the torch and the sacrificial knife. all the time he was thinking, 'i, if you knew, if your mother knew that you are to be sacrificed '. 'and they went both of them together'. the whole world does not know what here took place. the 2 walked together. who? the father and the dearest son - the one not knowing what was in store but ready to obey, the other certain that he must leave his son in ashes. then said i, 'my father'. and he said, 'yes my son'. and i said, 'father, here is the fire and here the wood, but where is the lamb?' he called his father and was solicitous lest he had overlooked something and a said, 'God will Himself provide a lamb, my son.
when they were come to the mount, a built the altar and laid on the wood, and then he was forced to tell i. the boy was stupefied. he must have protested, 'have you forgotten: i am the son of sarah by a miracle in her old age, that i was promised and that through me you are to be the father of a great nation?' and a must have answered that God would fulfill his promise even out of ashes. then a bound him and laid him upon the wood. the father raised his knife. the boy bared his throat. if God had slept an instant, the lad would have been dead. i could not have watched. i am not able in my thoughts to follow. the lad was as a sheep for the slaughter. never in history was there such obedience, save only in Christ. but God was watching and all the angels. the father raised his knife; the boy did not wince (note: really!?). the angel cried, 'a, a!' see how divine majesty is at hand in the hour of death. we say, 'in the midst of life we die'. God answers, 'nay, in the midst of death we live'.
l once read this story for family devotions. when he had finished, katie said, 'i do not believe it. God could not have treated His son like that'. 'but katie,' answered l, 'he did'.
hear l also as he describes the passion of Christ...Jesus went to His death in full possession of His faculties. He suffered even more than did the malefactors. a robber was simply crucified, not at the same time reviled. to Christ were spoken words of raillery, 'if you are the son of God, come down'. as if to say, 'God is just. He would not suffer an innocent man to die upon a cross'. Christ at this point was simply a man, and it was for Him as it is is for me when the devil comes and says, 'you are mine'. after the reviling of Chris, the sun was darkened and the earth trembled. if a troubled conscience shudders at the rustling of a wind-blown leaf, who much more terrible must it have been when the sun was blotted out and the earth was shaken. Christ was driven to a cry of desperation. the words are recorded : Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? 'my God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?' but note this, the prayer of the forsaken began, 'my God'. the cry of despair was a confession of faith.
what wonder then that l, in the year of his deepest depression, composed these lines;
a mighty bulwark is our God
a doughty ward and weapon.
He helps us clear from every rod
by which we now are smitten.
still our ancient foe
girds him to strike a blow.
might and guile his gear.
His armor striketh fear.
on earth is not his equal.
by our own strength is nothing won.
we court at once disaster.
there fights for us the Champion
Whom God has named our Master.
would you know His name?
Jesus Christ the same
Lord Sabaoth is He.
no other God can be.
the field is His to hold it.
and though the fiends on every hand
were threatening to devour us,
we would not waver from our stand.
they cannot overpower us.
this world's prince may rave.
however he behave,
he can do no ill.
God's truth abideth still.
one little word shall fell him.
that word they never can dismay.
however much they batter,
for God Himself is in the fray
and nothing else can matter.
then let them take our life,
goods, honor, children, wife.
we will let all go.
they shall not conquer so,
for God will win the battle.
note: thank You Lord for helping me to know other human beings who have struggled in this life with a great desire that You alone would be ENOUGH...but never reached that here. I john 3.2!
the first comfort which he offered was the reflection that intense upheavals of the spirit are necessary for valid solutions of genuine religious problems. the emotional reactions may be unduly acute, for the devil always turns a louse into a camel. nevertheless the way of man with God cannot be tranquil.
'if i live longer, i would like to write a book about anfechtungen, for without them no man can understand scripture, faith, the fear or the love of God. he does not know the meaning of hope who was never subject to tempations. david must have been plagued by a very fearful devil. he could not have had such profound insights if he had not experienced great assaults.
l verged on saying that an excessive emotional sensitivity is a mode of revelation. those who are predisposed to fall into despondency as well as to rise into ecstasy may be able to view reality from an angle different from that of ordinary folk. yet it is a true angle; and when the problem or the religious object has been once so viewed, others less sensitive will be able to look from a new vantage point and testify that the insight is valid.
l felt that his depressions were necessary. at the same time they were dreadful and by all means and in every way to be avoided and overcome. his whole life was a struggle against them, a fight for faith. this is the point at which he interests us so acutely, for we too are cast down and we too would know how to assuage our despondency. l had 2 methods: the one was a head on attack, the other an approach by way of indirection. sometimes he would engage in direct encounter with the devil. this particular ..may amuse the modern reader and incline him not to take l seriously; but it is noteworthy that what the devil says to l is only what one says to oneself in moments of introspection, and, what is still more significant, only the minor difficulties were referred to the devil. in all the major encounters, God Himself was the assailant. the devil was something of a relief. l relished, by comparison, the personification of his enemy in the form of a being whom he could bait without danger of blasphemy. he describes with gusto some of these bouts"
'when i go to bed, the devil is always waiting for me. when he begins to plague me, i give him this answer; 'devil, i must sleep. that's God's command, 'work by day. sleep by night' so go away.' if that doesn't work and he brings out a catalog of sins, i say, 'yes..i know all about it. and i know some more you have overlooked. here are a few extra. put them down'. if he still won't quit and presses me hard and accuses me as a sinner, i scorn him and say, 'St. satan, pray for me. of course you have never done anything wrong in your life. you alone are holy. go to God and get grace for yourself. if you want to get me all straightened out, i say, 'physician, heal thyself'.'
sometimes l had the temerity to undertake also the greater encounter with God Himself. 'i dispute much with god with great impatience and i hold him to his promises'. the canaanite woman was a source of unending wonder and comfort to l because she had the audacity to argue with Christ. when she asked him to come and cure her daughter, he answered that he was not sent but to the lost sheep of the house of israel and that it was not meet to take the children's bread and give it to the dogs. she did not dispute his judgment. she agreed that she was a dog. she asked no more than that which befits a dog, to lick up the crumbs which fall from the children's table. she took Christ as his own words. he then treated her not as a dog but as a child of israel.
'all this is written for our comfort that we should see how deeply God hides his face and how we must not go by our feeling but only by his word. all Christ's answers sounded like no, but He did not men no. He had not said that she was a dog. He had not said no. yet all His answers were more like no than yes. this shows how our heart feels in despondency. it sees nothing but a plain no. therefore it must turn to the deep hidden yes under the no and hold with a firm faith to God's word'.
at times, however, l advised against any attempt to wrestle one's way through.
'don't argue with the devil. he has had 5,000 years of experience. he has tried out all his tricks on adam, abraham and david and he knows exactly the weak spots'. and he is persistent. if he does not get you down with the first assault, he will commence a siege of attrition until you give in form sheer exhaustion.
better banish the whole subject.
seek company and discuss some irrelevant matter as, for example, what is going on in venice.
shun solitude. 'eve got into trouble when she walked in the garden alone. i have had my worst temptations when i am by myself'.
seek out some christian brother, some wise counselor.
undergird yourself with the fellowship of the church.
then, too, seek convivial company, feminine company, dine, dance, joke, and sing.
make yourself eat and drink even though food may be very distasteful. fasting is the very worst expedient.
once l gave three rules for dispelling despondency;
1. faith in Christ
2. get downright angry
3. the love of a woman..home life was a comfort and a diversion. so also was the presence of his wife when the devil assaulted him in the night watches. 'then i turn to my katie and say, 'forbid me to have such temptations and recall me from such vain vexations'.
the devil hates it because he cannot endure gaiety.
manual labor was a relief. a good way to exorcise the devil is to harness the horse and spread manure on the fields.
in all this advice to flee the fray l was in a way prescribing faith as a cure for the lack of faith. to give up the argument is of itself an act of faith akin to the gelassenheit of the mystics, an expression of confidence in the restorative power of God, who operates in the subconscious while man occupies himself with extraneous things.
if l was disturbed about the state of the world and the state of the Church, he could gain reassurance only through the recognition that as a matter of plain fact the situation was not bad.
at other times the depression was with regard to himself. one recalls his oscillation of feeling at the wartburg as to whether he had been brash or craven. the answer in his own case could never be that he had any claim on God, and then the question forever recurred whether God would then be gracious. when one is assailed by this doubt, where shall one turn? l would say that one never knows where, but always somewhere. to inquire after the starting point of l's theology is futile. it begins where it can. Christ Himself appears variable, sometimes as a good shepherd and sometimes as the avenging judge. if then Christ appeared hostile, l would turn to God and would recall the first commandment, 'I am the Lord thy God'....he would say, 'let go everything in which i have trusted. Lord, Thou alone givest help and comfort. Thou hast said that Thou wouldst help me. i believe Thy word. o my God and Lord, i have heard from Thee a joyful and comforting word. i hold to it. i know Thou wilt not lie to me. no matter how Thou mayest appear, Thou wilt keep what Thou hast promised, that and nothing else'.
on the other hand, if God hides Himself in the storm clouds which brood over the brow of sinai, then gather about the manger..or again, if Christ and God alike are unapproachable, then look upon the firmament of the heavens and marvel at the work of God ,who sustains them without pillars. or take the meanest flower and see in the smallest petal the handiwork of God.
but above all else..the record of the revelation of God in Christ. 'the true christian pilgrimage is not to rome or compostela, but to the prophets, the psalms and the gospels'. ..he was completely lost unless he could find something without on which to lay hold. and this he found in the scriptures...he saw God in the midst of the despondencies of the biblical characters..
'abraham was told by God that he must sacrifice the son of his old age by a miracle, the seed through whom he was to become the father of kings and of a great nation. a turned pale. not only would he lose his son, but God appeared to be a liar. He had said, 'in isaac shall be thy seed', but now He said, 'kill i'. who would not hate a God so cruel and contradictory? how a longed to talk it over with someone! could he not tell sarah? but he well knew that if he mentioned it to anyone he would be dissuaded and prevented from carrying out the behest. the spot designated for the sacrifice, mount moriah, was some distance away; 'and a rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and did not leave the saddling of the ass to others. he himself laid on the beast the wood for the burnt offering. he was thinking all the time that these logs would consume his son, his hope of seed. with these very sticks that he was picking up the boy would be burned. in such a terrible case should he not take time to think it over? could he not tell sarah? with what inner tears he suffered! he girt the ass and was so absorbed he scarcely knew what he was doing.
he took 2 servants and i his son. in that moment everything died in him; sarah, his family, his home, i. this is what it is to sit in sackcloth and ashes. if he had known that this was only a trial, he would not have been tried. such is the nature of our trials that while they last we cannot see the end. 'then on the third day a lifted up his eyes and saw the place afar off'. what a battle he had endured in those three days! there a left the servants and the ass, and he laid the wood upon i and himself took the torch and the sacrificial knife. all the time he was thinking, 'i, if you knew, if your mother knew that you are to be sacrificed '. 'and they went both of them together'. the whole world does not know what here took place. the 2 walked together. who? the father and the dearest son - the one not knowing what was in store but ready to obey, the other certain that he must leave his son in ashes. then said i, 'my father'. and he said, 'yes my son'. and i said, 'father, here is the fire and here the wood, but where is the lamb?' he called his father and was solicitous lest he had overlooked something and a said, 'God will Himself provide a lamb, my son.
when they were come to the mount, a built the altar and laid on the wood, and then he was forced to tell i. the boy was stupefied. he must have protested, 'have you forgotten: i am the son of sarah by a miracle in her old age, that i was promised and that through me you are to be the father of a great nation?' and a must have answered that God would fulfill his promise even out of ashes. then a bound him and laid him upon the wood. the father raised his knife. the boy bared his throat. if God had slept an instant, the lad would have been dead. i could not have watched. i am not able in my thoughts to follow. the lad was as a sheep for the slaughter. never in history was there such obedience, save only in Christ. but God was watching and all the angels. the father raised his knife; the boy did not wince (note: really!?). the angel cried, 'a, a!' see how divine majesty is at hand in the hour of death. we say, 'in the midst of life we die'. God answers, 'nay, in the midst of death we live'.
l once read this story for family devotions. when he had finished, katie said, 'i do not believe it. God could not have treated His son like that'. 'but katie,' answered l, 'he did'.
hear l also as he describes the passion of Christ...Jesus went to His death in full possession of His faculties. He suffered even more than did the malefactors. a robber was simply crucified, not at the same time reviled. to Christ were spoken words of raillery, 'if you are the son of God, come down'. as if to say, 'God is just. He would not suffer an innocent man to die upon a cross'. Christ at this point was simply a man, and it was for Him as it is is for me when the devil comes and says, 'you are mine'. after the reviling of Chris, the sun was darkened and the earth trembled. if a troubled conscience shudders at the rustling of a wind-blown leaf, who much more terrible must it have been when the sun was blotted out and the earth was shaken. Christ was driven to a cry of desperation. the words are recorded : Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? 'my God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?' but note this, the prayer of the forsaken began, 'my God'. the cry of despair was a confession of faith.
what wonder then that l, in the year of his deepest depression, composed these lines;
a mighty bulwark is our God
a doughty ward and weapon.
He helps us clear from every rod
by which we now are smitten.
still our ancient foe
girds him to strike a blow.
might and guile his gear.
His armor striketh fear.
on earth is not his equal.
by our own strength is nothing won.
we court at once disaster.
there fights for us the Champion
Whom God has named our Master.
would you know His name?
Jesus Christ the same
Lord Sabaoth is He.
no other God can be.
the field is His to hold it.
and though the fiends on every hand
were threatening to devour us,
we would not waver from our stand.
they cannot overpower us.
this world's prince may rave.
however he behave,
he can do no ill.
God's truth abideth still.
one little word shall fell him.
that word they never can dismay.
however much they batter,
for God Himself is in the fray
and nothing else can matter.
then let them take our life,
goods, honor, children, wife.
we will let all go.
they shall not conquer so,
for God will win the battle.
note: thank You Lord for helping me to know other human beings who have struggled in this life with a great desire that You alone would be ENOUGH...but never reached that here. I john 3.2!
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