2.13.2013 THE LAST THREE MONTHS...

IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS

for the better part of a year now the Lord has been speaking to me about giving my whole life to Him with nothing kept out. i have consciously resisted...and still resist. i have learned that when something like this happens, nothing of any real good can come out of such a life..such a life is akin to a living death..one sinner doeth much evil. the items below are some of the fallout that has happened in my life.

between 11. 4 and 12.9.11 i have had four very strong urges (the best way to describe them is, paroxysms of the spirit) to go to jail over abortion with the result that i walked around like a dead man, having no purpose in life, in my thinking, other than to do thus

i have finally gotten over the strong belief that it was my duty to GO TO JAIL over abortion (12.21.2011). as i went to bed in the cell the first night in i felt deserted by God in a way i never have experienced before and knew that i was not where He wanted me to be. i became aware, in a number of ways that God delivered me from this hell within 18 hours for which I thank and praise Him. (i learned:wherever you are without God is hell, i do not want to have to learn this again)
i have been delivered from:
-paroxysms (satan compels; God leads)
-the rage in my heart over abortion which was directed against those who support it as a woman's right
-my mistaken discipleship: following ghandi's non-violent cooperation, rather than Jesus' truth speaking and refusal to resist the evil man, but rather to love my enemy
-my misunderstanding of what a christian is called to suffer for..in the case of abortion the only thing Christ calls me to be willing to suffer for is refusing to support or commit an abortion myself
-a good bit of my inward rebellion against those in authority as a result of seeing a bit of what life is like for those who seek to enforce the law

i decided to REPRESENT MYSELF at the preliminary hearing on 1.27.2012. i came about a half hour early. within a few minutes my arresting police officer approached me asking if it would be acceptable to me, upon pleading guilty to the charges of trespassing at the abortuary in warminster, pa, to have nothing but 2 contiguous one year probations, most likely staying at least .5 mile away from the abortuary. upon agreeing that this would be good, he had me talk with the district attorney and within a few minutes i was referred by the judge to the bucks county courthouse for a preliminary hearing that can be waived. if this works out i will only have to appear there to receive the probations possibly sometime next month. if this indeed happens the Lord will have given me MUCH less than i deserve. i continually live, moment by moment under His mercy..He continually withholds what i deserve..of which this is only one small example.

i have not had any painting work.

i have practiced gluttony, lechery, slothfulness, unbelief and unrepentance. this is my current reaction, in part, to fighting the Lord over consecrating my whole life to Him, submitting, giving my all to Him and reserving nothing from myself. only God can give me the grace to do this. Lord, look down upon me and turn me from my wickedness. help me to give my whole life to do whatever You want and not reserve any secret rooms in my heart that i keep for myself. don't let me go dear Lord, don't let me go on in this rebellion. don't let me rest until i am a whole burnt offering to You, a sweet savor, Lord, to You. make my life absolutely wretched until i give all up...until i do all You want. oh Lord have mercy upon my wretched,wicked soul. amen.