Saturday, January 28, 2012

2.28.2012 MARTIN LUTHER

in the field of morals many felt that his preoccupation with religion was dangerous. particularly his insistence that upright conduct constitutes no claim upon God was believed to undercut the most potent motive for good behavior. the same retort was given to luther as to paul. if we are saved not by merit but by mercy, 'let us then sin that grace may abound'. both answered, 'God forbid'. and anyone who had followed l closely would have known that he was far from indifferent to morality. nevertheless the charge was not altogether perverse. l did say things at times which emphatically sounded subversive to morals. the classic example is the notorious pecca fortiter, 'sin for all you are worth. God can forgive only a lusty sinner'. to make this the epitome of l's ethic is grossly unfair because it was a piece of uproarious chaffing of the anemic melanchthon, who was in a dither over scruples of conscience. l's counsel was essentially the same as that given to him by staupitz, who told him that before coming so frequently to the confessional he should go out and commit a real sin like parricide. stau was certainly not advising l to murder his father and l will knew that his jest would not induce the impeccable mel to jettison the 10 commandments. l was saying merely that it might do him good for once to spoil his record.

this is a point which l did make at times, that one sin is needed as medicine to cure another. an unblemished record engenders the worst of all sins, pride. hence a failure now and then is conducive to humility. but the only sins which l actually recommended as record spoilers were a little over eating, over drinking, and oversleeping. such controlled excesses might be utilized as the antidote to arrogance.

he did say something else with an unethical ring, however, mainly, that good works without faith 'are idle, damnable sins'. ..l never meant to say that form the social point of view decency is no better than indecency. what he meant was that the decency of the man who behaves himself simply for fear of damaging his reputation is in the eyes of God an idle, damnable sin and far worse than the indecency of the contrite offender. luther's statement is nothing more than a characteristically parodoxical version of the parable of the penitent publican.

but perhaps the deepest menace of l to morals lay in his rescue of morals. he would suffer no attenuation of the appalling demands of the new testament. Christ said,
give away your cloak,
take no thought for the morrow
when struck turn the other cheek
sell all and give to the poor,
forsake father and mother, wife and child
the catholic church of the middle ages had several devices for attenuating the inexorable. one was to make a distinction between christians and to assign only to heroic souls the more arduous injunctions of the gospel. the counsels of perfection were consigned to monasticism. l closed this door by abolishing monasticism. another distinction was between the continuous and the customary. strenuous christians should love God and the neighbor uninterruptedly, but ordinary christians only ordinarily. l was scornful of all such casuistry; and when reminded that without it the precepts of the gospel are impossible, he would retort, 'of course they are. God commands the impossible'. but then comes again the old question, if the goal cannot be reached, why make the effort?

here one must be clear as to precisely how much l meant by calling the goal unattainable. he very clearly meant that the noblest human achievement will fall short in the eyes of God. all men are sinners. but they are not for that reason all rascals. a certain level of morality is not out of reach. even the jews, turks heathen are able to keep the natural law embodied in the 10 commandments. (note: really? why can't i then?) l wrote,' "thou shalt not steal" should be place by the miller on his sack,
the baker on his bread,
the shoemaker on his last,
the tailor on his cloth, and
the carpenter on his ax.
temptations of course cannot be avoided, but because we cannot prevent the birds from flying over our heads, there is no need that we should let them nest in our hair'. there is then a wide basis for genuine moral conduct even apart from christianity. (note: what about Jesus' commandments?)

but once more the danger to ethics arises because all this is not enough. God demands not only acts but attitudes. He is like the mother who asks her daughter to cook or to milk the cow. the daughter may comply gaily or grudgingly. not only does God require that we refrain from adultery, but he exacts purity of thought and restraint within marriage. these are the standards to which we cannot attain. ' a horse can be controlled with a golden bit, but who can control himself at those points where he is vitally touched?' even our very quest for God is a disguised form of self-seeking. the pursuit of perfection is all the more hopeless because the goal is recessive. every act of goodness opens the door for another; and if we do not enter in, we have failed. hence all righteousness of the moment is sin with respect to that which must be added in the following instant. even more disconcerting is the discovery that we are guilty of sins of which we are not aware. l had learned in the confessional the difficulty of remembering or recognizing his shortcomings. the very recognition that we are sinners is an act of faith. 'by faith alone it must be believed that we are sinners, and indeed more often than not we seem to know nothing against ourselves. wherefore we must stand by God's judgment and believe his words by which he calls us unrighteous'.

once again l's critics arise to inquire whether if man in the end has no standing with God he should make the effort to be good. l's answer is that morality must be grounded somewhere else than in self-help and the quest for reward. the paradox is that God must destroy in us all illusions of righteousness before he can make us righteous. first we must relinquish all claim to goodness. the way to eliminate feelings of guilt is to admit guilt. then there is some hope for us. 'we are sinners and at the same time righteous' - which is to say that however bad we are, there is a power at work in us which can and will make something out of us. l wrote, 'this is wonderful news to believe that salvation lies outside ourselves. i am justified and acceptable to God, although there are in me sin, unrighteousness and horror of death. yet I MUST LOOK ELSEWHERE AND SEE NO SIN. this is wonderful, not to see what i see, not to feel what i feel. before my eyes i see a gulden, sword, fire, and i must say, 'there is no gulden, no sword, no fire'. the forgiveness of sins is like this. (note: in what way is this true and not pretense.) and the effect of it is that the forgiven, unpretentious sinner has vastly more potentialities than the proud saint.

the righteousness of the sinner is no fiction. it must and it will produce good works, but they can never be good if done for their own sake. they must spring from the fount of the new man. 'good works do not make a man good, but a good man does good works'. l variously described the ground of goodness. sometimes he would say that all morality is gratitude. it is the irrepressible expression of thankfulness for food and raiment, for earth and sky, and for the inestimable gift of redemption. again morality is the fruit of the spirit (note: Spirit?) dwelling in the heart of the christian. or morality is the behavior becoming the nature of one united with Christ as the bride with the bridegroom. as there is no need to tell lovers what to do and say, so is there no need for any rules to those who are in love with Christ. (note: romans says love is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. why then is it not so with me. why do i show hate for God by refusing to keep His commandments and why so open a hated of man? would You shed it abroad Spirit..i believe...how do i believe effectually? come Spirit, shed Your love abroad in my heart.) the only word that covers all this is faith. it removes all the inhibitions arising from worry and sets man in such a relationship to God and Christ that all else will come of itself.

no where does l set forth his views in more rugged and glowing words than in the canticle 'on the freedom of the christian man.
'the soul which with a firm faith cleaves to the promises of God is united with them, absorbed by them, penetrated, saturated, inebriated by their power. if the touch of Christ was healing, how much more does that most tender touch in the spirit, that absorption in the word convey to the soul all the qualities of the word so that it becomes trustworthy, peaceable, free, full of every good, a true child of God. from this we see very easily why faith can do so much and no good work is like unto it, for no good work comes from
God's word like faith. no good work can be within the soul, but the word and faith reign there, what the word is that the soul is, as iron becomes fire-red through union with the flame. plainly then faith is enough for the christian man. he has no need for works to be made just. then is he free from the law.

but he is not therefore to be lazy or loose. good works do not make a man good, but a good man does good works. a bishop is not a bishop because he consecrates a church, but he consecrates a church because he is a bishop. unless a man is already a believer and a christian, his works have no value at all. they are foolish, idle, damnable sins, because when good works are brought forward as ground for justification, they are no longer good. understand that we do not reject good works, but praise them highly...paul said, 'let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who being on an equality with God emptied himself, taking the form of a servant and becoming obedient unto death'. paul means that when Christ was fully in the form of God, abounding in all things, so that He had no need of any work or any suffering to be saved, he was not puffed up, did not arrogate to himself power, but rather in suffering, working, enduring and dying made himself like other men, as if He needed all things and were not in the form of God. all this He died to serve us. when God in His sheer mercy and without any merit of mine has given me such unspeakable riches, shall i not then freely, joyously, wholeheartedly, unprompted do everything that i know will please Him? i will give myself as a sort of Christ to my neighbor as Christ gave Himself for me'.

this is the word which ought to be placarded as the epitome of l's ethic, that a christian must be a Christ to his neighbor. l goes on to explain what this entails.
'i must even take to myself the sins of others as Christ took mine to Himself. thus we see that the christian man lives not to himself but to Christ and his neighbor through love. by faith he rises above himself to God and from God goes below himself in love and remanis always in God and in love'.

luther' answer at worms...eck confronted luther with a pile of his books and asked whether they were his. in a voice barely audible he answered, 'the books are all mine and i have written more'. eck, 'do you defend them all or do you care to reject a part?' luther, 'this touches God and His word. this affects the salvation of souls. of this Christ said, 'he who denies me before men, him will I deny before My Father.' to say too little or too much would be dangerous. i beg you, give me time to think it over'.

the next day, 4.18.1520 luther was summoned for 4 pm but the press of business delayed until 6. this time his voice was ringing. eck reiterated the question of the previous day. l responded: 'most serene emperor, most illustrious princes, most clement lords, if i have not given some of you your proper titles i beg you to forgive me. i am not a courtier, but a monk. you asked me yesterday whether i would repudiate them. they are all mine, but as for the second question, they are not all of one sort'.

this was a skillful move. by differentiating his works l won for himself the opportunity of making a speech instead of answering simply yes of no.

he went on: 'some deal with faith and life so simply and evangelically that my very enemies are compelled to regard them as worthy of christian reading. even the bull itself does not treat all my books as of one kind. if i whould renounce these, i would be the only man on earth to damn the truth confessed alike by friends and foes. a second class of my works inveighs againt the desolation of the christaian world by the evil lives and teaching of the papists. who can deny this when the universal complaints testify that by the laws of the popes the consciences of men are racked?'

'no!' broke in the emperor.

l, unruffled, went on to speak of the 'incredible tyranny' by which this german nation was devoured. 'should i recant at this point, i would open the door to more tyranny and impiety and it will be all the worse should it appear that i had done so at the instance of the holy roman empire'. this was a skillful plea to german nationalism, which had a strong following in the diet. even duke george the catholic took the fore in presenting grievances.

'a third class contains attacks on private individuals. i confess i have been more caustic than comportss with my profession, but i am being judged, not on my life, but for the teaching of Christ, and i cannont renouce thses works either, without increasing tyranny and impiety. when Christ stood before annas, He said, "produce witnesses".if our Lord, who could not err, made this demand, why may not a worm lide me ask to be convicted of error from the prophets and the gospels? if i am shown my error, i will be the first to throw my books into the fire. i have been reminded of the dissensions which my teaching engenders. i can answer only in the words of the Lord, 'i came not to bring peace but a sword'. if our God is so severe, let us beware lest we release a deluge of wars, lest the reign of this noble youth, charles, be inauspicious. take warning from the examples of pharaoh, the king of babylon, and the kings of israel. God it is who confounds the wise. i must woal in th fear of the Lord. i say this not to chide but because i cannot excape my duty to my germans. i commend myself to your majesty. may you not suffer my adversaries to make you ill disposed to me without cause. i have spoken'.

eck replied: 'martin, you have not sufficiently distinguished your works. the earlier were bad and the latter worse. your plea to be heard from scripture is the one always made by hereticss. you do nothing but renew the errors of wyclif and hus. how will the jews, how will the turks, exult to heear christians discussing whether they have been wrong all these years! martin, how can you assume that you are the only one to understand the sense of scripture? would you put your judgment above that of so many famous men and claim that you know more than they all? you have no right to call into question the most holy orthodox faith, instituted by Christ the perfect lawgiver, proclaimed thoughout the world by the apostles, sealed by the red blood of the martyrs, confirmed by the sacred councils, defined by the church in which all our fathers believed until death and gave to us as an inheritance, and which now we are forbidden by the pope and the emperor to discuss lest there be no end of dbate.

i ask you, martinanswere candidly and without horns - do you or do you not repudiate your books and the errors which they contain?

luther replied, 'since then your majesty and your lordships desire a simple reply, i will answer without horns and without teeth. unless i am convicted by scripture and plain reason - i do not accept the authority of popes and councils, for they have contracited each other - my conscience is captive to the word of God. i cannot and i will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. God help me. amen'.

Friday, January 27, 2012

1.27.2012 GRACE ABOUNDING - JOHN BUNYAN

preface - children, grace be with you, amen. i being taken from you in presence and so tied up that i cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your further edifying and building up in faith and holiness, etc; yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare, i now once again, as before from the top of shenir and hermon, so now from the lions' dens, and from the mountains of the leopards, do look yet after you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired haven.

i thank God upon every remembrance of you, and rejoice, even while i stick between the teeth of the lions in the wilderness, at the grace and mercy and knowledge of Christ our savior, which
God hath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith and love. your hungerings and thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father, in His Son' your tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also before both God and men, is great refreshment to me; for you are my glory and joy.

i have sent you here enclosed a drop of that honey, that i have taken out of the carcase of a lion. i have eaten thereof myself also and am much refreshed thereby. temptations, when we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon samson; but if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest of honey within them. the philistines understand me not. it is something of a relation of the work of God upon my own soul, even from the very first, till now; wherein you may perceive my castings down, and risings up; for He woundeth, and His hands make whole. it is written in the scripture, the father to the children shall make known the truth of God. yea, it was for this reason i lay so long at sinai, to see the fire and the cloud and the darkness, that i might fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth and tell of His wondrous works to my children.

it is profitable for christians to be often calling to mind the very beginnings of grace with their souls. it is a night to be much observed unto the Lord for bringing them out from the land of egypt..i was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever i followed, unless i was found in Christ...and i remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul, that i was persuaded i could never attain to other comfort than what i shoulc gd

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

1.25.2012 JIM ELLIOT, SAINT

1.16.1955 cast down on this Lord's day morning. just came up from meeting with 25 indians, mostly schoolboys and young women. felt as though i preached powerlessly, without unction, and the resultant effect was evident. restlessness, interruptions, playing. almost no adults come..no adult men. my first thot is that they have tired of the preaching, that they do not enjoy it. i may be preaching too hard. then i think that i am worried too much during the week with the finishing of the house - right up until saturday supper. translated and preached from titus 1 but felt little life or even continuity in what is said. i have paid dearly for giving up my early quiet time. it is surely obvious in my preaching. marriage has been a hindrance. betty doesn't like me to get out of bed amorning without some little loving. just now she came in 'so mad' because somebody stole a fruit from the backyard.

my concerns are other, i fear. house and furnishings MUST take second place now. getting the indians out to meetings and individual witness to them has got to be my foremost concern. a wants to be baptized, but he did not come out to meeting today. i must speak personally with b,c and d as well as to a before the young men's conference feb 4. i feel resolved now, but don't know who long it will stay strong with me...

..abstinence is not easy in the last months of pregnancy, and i have felt much untamed desire these couple of weeks. God save me through march! (daughter valerie was born 2.27.55)

i am sorry to have neglected writing here. many times fresh thots have come and i have failed to record them so that now they are gone...

5.16 this has been a busy morning and one of those that doesn't leave one with a great deal of satisfaction after its doing is all done. morning reading was in II thess. 3: 'if any man will not work neither let him eat'. yesterday i had told 3 girls to come to work; 6 came to clean 2 measly cultivated clearings. ..more than 20 women brought platano and chicha (a staple of the indian diet) and i outraged them all by buying enough for only 2 weeks - i had sufficient for one week already..

then the workmen on the teacher's house needed 2x4's planed. i planed..after a session in school on the splendor of solomon. then it was sizing and grading over 200 new 2x4's for the school building. then the girls arrived who had been cleaning the cultivated areas and wanted me to buy their platano. domingo wanted ink powder for boards. a boy came to buy 5 dallars worth of rails for senora rosa down river. the workmen had cut a 2x4 too short and needed a hand. venancio's leg needee massaging and he wanted to sell me beans (i had to give him some yesterday as he said he had nothing to eat). had to tell the men to start weaving roof and not to stand about doing nothing. then they all wanted to work the whole day. e wanted $ for 30 lbs of peanuts and his mother wanted a sack ed had not given back to her. f wanted his work $ and the gun that pete sent down from quito to sell. pete had been on the radio, and now it is urgent that i write f. believers' meeting this afternoon. g at limon chikta is in bad shape with snakebite. i was there friday and yesterday and must go again tomorrow - an hour or so both ways. betty and the baby both have colds. i have just eaten a good lunch.

case- snake- comments- symptoms-

wangana shishin little local swelling, blood loss considerable hematoxic
anemia
paula shishin bleeding at gums, capillaries bitten on heel

sabella andi shishin bit on finger; never saw case hematoxic; bitten on foot

indi pitalala dead in 48 hours alone in forest

carmela's uncle shishin ? dead in 24 hours

venancio motolo tissue destruction

cuchicara bushmaster-rotting of flesh; treated with sulfas and hand
penicillin; hand dried
juan grifa pitalala tissue destruction; anemia; some vomit- immobile fingers
ing of blood
orkenia cerda shishin cut, sucked; horse serum injected; ankle
retching
casiano unknown dead in 24 hours fell flat immediately; had to be
carried

july 19 - venancio tapui and i baptized 14 this morning after the gospel meeting. no other missionary here, so had the believers in for examining yesterday. it was a 4 hour session and we saw evidence of real discernment on the part of a, b, c, d and e, as well as venancio tapui. i felt lonely in doing it and did it with some fear that i might be mistaken. we decided to ask 4 young girls to wait, and they were very unhappy this morning. my flesh often lacks the deep feeling that i should experience at such times and there was a certain dryness to the form this morning, but i cannot stay for feelings. so cold is my hear most of the time that i am most always operating on the basis of pure commandments, forcing myself to do what i do not always feel simply because i am a servant under orders.

and there was enough of the physically distracting this morning to save one from walking on the clouds. a part of the cliff gave way and 3 girls sat down on the beach amid shrieks and laughter. the schoolboys threw stones in the water. f's son fell headlong off the airstrip onto the beach and set up a great wail just as she was being baptized. venancio failed to get f's face under. a group of mockers from the priest's came by and taunted the baptized ones about bathing with their clothes on. but God is my witness that i have fulfilled His word as i knew how.

november 20 - let hervaco and venancio have the whole service this morning. would to God that they could handle everything by themselves...

also read parts of 'behind the ranges' and am resolute to do something about it in my private devotional and prayer life. in studying spanish i left off english bible reading and my devotional reading pattern was broken. i have never restored it. translation and preparation for daily bible lessons is not sufficient to empower my soul. prayer as a single man was difficult, i remember, because my mind always reverted to betty. now it's too hard to get out of bed in the morning. i have made resolutions on this score before now but not followed them up. tomorrow it's to be - dressed by 6 a.m. and study in the epistles before breakfast. so help me, God.

november 26 - spent friday and saturday morning..with the conns and fullers in pano. in the afternoon (ed was in quito), nate (saint) and i made my second auca flight.

flew down the river to the grass shack where there are fenced cultivated areas but no people. noted an increased amout of cutting down the forest and land clearing since my last visit. they seem to know what to do with machetes and axes. on the way up we dropped a pair of pants at the first house because a woman there had on a greay slip - or so it seemed from the air. the second house has a model airplane carved on the house ridge and there we dropped a machete, a pair of short pants, and i saw a thing that thrilled me. it seemed an old man stood beside the house and waved with both his arms as if to signal us to come down. aucas waving at me to come! at the next house they have made a large clearing and built a bamboo platform on which one -a white-shirted one - stood and waved. nate dropped a roll of t.p. and several streamered combs into the trees at the edge of the clearing to try and give them the idea that we want those cut down, too. dropped a machete there, too, with streamers which they got. dropped a pot and an axe head on the string and they tied something with a red ribbon on, but we lost it.. God send me soon to the aucas.

december 31 - a month of temptation. satan and the flesh have been on me hard. how God holds my soul in His life and permits one with such wretchedness to continue in His service i cannot tell. oh, it has been hard...i have been very low inside me struggling and casting myself hourly on Christ for help. marriage is divorce from the privacy a man loves, but there is some privacy nothing can share. it is the knowledge of a sinful heart.

these are the days of the new year's believers' conference on the sermon on the mount. yesterday i preached and was helped on 'whoever looks on a woman...''let spirit conquer though the flesh conspire.'

(the diary ends on december 31,1955. two days later jim and 4 other men, pete fleming, ed mccully, nate saint, and roger youderian, went to a little sand spit on the curaray river which they named 'palm beach'. they set up a camp in hopes of establishing contact with the auca indians. on january 6, 1956 their hopes were realized when 2 women and a man appeared out of the jungle and spent several hours with the missionaries. verbal communication was not possible, but there was every indication that the indians were friendly and trusted the missionaries. the auca man demonstrated complete confidence by accepting a ride in nate saint's airplane. 2 days later the 5 men were speared to death.

the story is told in detail in 'through gates of splendor'. jim's biography, 'shadow of the almighty', traces the preparation of his own soul for this assignment, and 'the savage my kinsman' is the story of how nate saint's sister rachel, my daughter valerie, and i went to live with the auca indians in 1958.)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

1.20.1012 JIM ELLIOTT'S JOURNAL

1.13.1950 how well has bunyan's interpreter spoken: 'things present and our fleshly appetite are such near neighbors one to another; and things to come and carnal sense are such strangers to one another. therefore it is that the first of these so suddenly fall into amity and that distance is so continued between the second'. how unlike God i am. when He stretches forth His hand in mercy and forebearing love, i point an accusing legal finger at the sinner He would bless. and when He judges righteously and slaughters his enemies in stern justice, i whimper for softness. as Israel did not utterly drive out the inhabitants of the land when they were strong, so i am weak to carry through to the letter God's mandates...

1.16 deserted all morning. much time on my knees but no fervency or any desire for prayer. no heed or hearkening in study of the word either. what good is greek, commentaries, insight, gifts, and all the rest if there is no heart for Christ? oh, what slackness i feel in me now. wasted half a day. no school because of snow. good thing. i had nothing to say to the kids anyhow.

1.24 james 3.6 and the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body and setteth on fire THE COURSE OF NATURE; and it is set on fire of hell. ...pondering what the TROKON TAS GENESEOS of james 3.6 can mean. obviously, it is something bad as he condemns the tongue for igniting it. it may be those springs of inner response unleashed by a careless word, either said or heard. that natural cycle (geneseos) having this meaning in james 1.23 (natural face) which is not to be provoked without some evil issue. how often i have sat 'thinking, ' i betook myself to linking fancy unto fancy' (as poe's raven) over some word uttered which gyrated downward and landed me in vile-thought acts. if this be so and the world of iniquity in my tongue so potent, how important that it be kept, as a watch set at one's lips. i have considered that this whole passage (3.1-12) refers specifically to public preaching, that communication of teachers which is so formative to a listener. as one has said, 'the sins of teachers be the teachers of sins'.

2.3 difficulty getting anything from the word at all. no fervency in prayer. disturbance in the house, cold weather and occasional headaches have made spiritual things less precious this whole week. i find i must drive myself to study, following the 'ought' of conscience to gain anything at all from the word - lacking any desire at all sometimes. it is important to learn respect and obedience to the 'inner must' if godliness is to be a state of soul with me. i may no longer depend on pleasant impulses to bring me before the Lord. i must rather respond to principles i know to be right, whether i feel them to be enjoyable or not.

2.4 i do not understand why i have never seen in america what missionaries write of - that sense of swords being drawn, the smell of war with demon powers. corresponding is the unity among christians, forced by the onslaught of a very real foe. satan is not real, though we talk much of belief in a 'personal devil'. as a result, our warfare takes on this sham fight with shadows, a cold war of weary words. there is no sense of shouting, rather of yawning. laughter long ago stifled sobs in our assemblings together. woe, woe, woe unto us for we have not submitted to sacrifice. we have not guessed the power of the calling to which God has called - its power to ruin and to revise, its strength to slay. service's 'law of the yukon' has some words -utterly out of context - yet secularly applicable to the life to which i think God is calling:

send not your foolish and feeble
send me your strong and your sane
strong for the red-rage of battle
sane for i harry them sore
send me men girt for the combat
men who are grit to the core
swift as the panther in triumph
fierce as the bear in defeat
sired of a bulldog parent
steeled in the furnace of heat..
and i wait for the men who will win me-
and i will not be won in a day
and i will not be won by weaklings
subtle and suave and mild
but by men with the hearts of vikings
and the simple faith of a child
desperate, strong and resistless
unthrottled by fear of defeat
them will i guild with my treasure
them will i glut with my meat

teach me to count the cost, o God, most expensively won!

2.11 i see tonight that in spiritual work, if nowhere else, the character of the worker decides the quality of the work. shelley and byron may be moral free-lancers and still write good poetry. wagner may be lecherous as a man and still produce fine music, but it cannot be so in any work for God. paul could refer to his own character and manner of living for proof of what he was saying to the thessalonians. 9 times over in the first epistle he says, 'you know', referring to the thessalonians' firsthand observation of paul's private as well as public life. paul went to thessalonica and lived a life that more than illustrated what he preached; it went beyond illustration to convincing proof. no wonder so much work in the Kingdom today be shoddy; look at the moral character of the worker. in I corinthians paul has to ask several times, 'know ye not?' as though they had not rightly apprehended his meaning. in I john, it is 'we know', where the knowledge is based on firsthand individual experience. in revelation, Christ speaks saying, ' I know'. oh, happy state when hearer and speaker may prove each other true...

Thursday, January 5, 2012

1.5.2012 ARE YOU MISTAKENLY SECURE OR BLESSEDLY DISTURBED BEFORE GOD?

the bible says in I john 3.9, 'NO ONE who is born of God practices sin...' are you practicing, excusing, coddling some darling sin? is there any sin, no matter how small, you can't stop doing? anything God commands you find it impossible to do? if the answer is yes to any of these how is this affecting you. are you finding it easier to push it aside, to deal with it another day that never comes. is your heart becoming cold to God. do you have an open steady flow between you and God and the one who clearly demonstrates fear of and obedience to God? guard your heart. if you have given up even contending and wrestling with God over things He and His word are speaking to you about ... watch out!

right now God is troubling me about this because of what seems to be a growing amount of repetitive sin in my life and a growing readiness to give in to what i know is wrong. for my whole 'christian' life, my constant default during such a time has been to go back to trying to keep the law myself and the more I try, the more a mess i become. so in this time of great weakness, darkness and confusion spiritually, i find myself crying out continually in various ways, 'Lord, HELP ME!'

i have been actively praying for a time now that the Lord would reveal to me my true self and He has been answering! (that might be part of the reason for my current state, i don't know! but i am wickeder by far than i ever remember being!! the awareness of who i am apart from the grace of Christ seems to grow)

that's good in that it is more difficult to look down my nose at others. it's good because it tends to drive me away from looking for the answers in myself. i have no answers anymore. i am seeing more clearly that obedience is impossible for me. i used to say,the bible says x, ok i will do x. now i see that as impossible apart from denying myself, taking up my cross every day and following Him..impossible apart from looking totally away from myself, looking constantly to Him, calling constantly for help, strength, pardon, renewal. in spite of all the ways i see God changing me, sin seems very unconquerable right now. one lie, temptation, trial after another comes raining down.

i have recently re-noticed, reawakened with concern, verses like-
luke 13.24 - STRIVE TO ENTER by the narrow door; FOR MANY, i tell you, WILL SEEK TO ENTER AND WILL NOT BE ABLE. ...and i ask myself how much are you striving to do what God commands?

luke 16.16 - the Law and the Prophets were proclaimed until john; since then the gospel of THE KINGDOM OF GOD is preached, and EVERYONE IS FORCING HIS WAY INTO IT. cf.

matthew 11.12 - and from the days of john the baptist until now THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN SUFFERS VIOLENCE AND VIOLENT MEN TAKE IT BY FORCE.

the dictionary says of strive -
exert oneself vigorously
make strenuous efforts toward any goal
contend
struggle vigorously

the core idea in the second and third verses is ENERGY!

RIGHT NOW...i am not striving... i have no energy! many times i walk around, to myself, on the inside, like one already dead. by faith i keep trying, in prayer, to look away from myself to Him who, if i have Life, is my Life...and my only hope. may God rescue me.

He seems to keep sending my little hieroglyphics in the darkness. one, a biography, 'john bunyan' by frank mott harrison from which i would like to share. it has encouraged me. i trust it will you too if you are currently struggling in this way.

'..all bunyan's attempts at self-reformation led only to one result - hopeless failure. he had certainly gained knowledge, and he was able to talk on religious subjects; but he had not put on humility and become like a little child; nor had he learned that 'of such is the kingdom of heaven'.

...and 'upon a day, the good providence of god did cast me to bedford, to work on my calling (as a tinker); and in one of the streets of that town, i came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door in the sun, and talking about the things of god'.

with eye and ear alert he 'drew near to hear what they said'. not curiosity alone prompted him to do so: he had another motive, 'for i was now a brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion'.

but his head drooped and his hear fell as he listened to the women. 'i heard, but i understood not', he acknowledges with a humility he had not previously known; 'for they were far above, out of my reach'.

hitherto, he had only measured himself by himself...and now he discovered the insignificance of his own religious life.

the women were talking of a New Birth, 'the work of God in their hearts..and how THEY WERE CONVINCED OF THEIR OWN MISERABLE STATE BY NATURE'. they talked, too, of GOD VISITING 'THEIR SOULS WITH HIS LOVE IN THE LORD JESUS'. they told also of WORDS AND PROMISES, WHICH HAD REFRESHED, COMFORTED, AND SUPPORTED them 'AGAINST THE TEMPTATIONS OF THE DEVIL'.

..his prayer was heard and he was delivered from the temptation. then he saw the silver lining behind the darksome cloud and it brought back the 'STATE OF HAPPINESS' of the poor people of bedford to whose conversation he had listened - 'in a dream of vision'.

'i saw as if they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while i was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds. methought, also, betwixt me and them, i saw a wall my soul did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that, if i could, i would go even into the very midst of them and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun'.

he goes on to tell how he sought 'some way or passage' to enter therein. at last he found a gap and a way, 'strait and narrow'; but all efforts to get in were in vain. 'WITH GREAT STRIVING' he got in first his head, then his shoulders and eventually his whole body. 'THEN WAS I EXCEEDING GLAD', and he sat down with them and enjoyed the light and heat of their sun.

to him the mountain was 'the Church of the living God; the sun, the comfortable shining of God's merciful face; the wall, the Word which separates christians and the world; and the gap - Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father'. but THE PASSAGE WAS 'WONDERFUL NARROW' and which ONLY THOSE IN 'DOWNRIGHT EARNEST' MIGHT ENTER, left only room for body and soul, and NOT body, soul and SIN.

thus, feeling 'forlorn and sad, b had 'a vehement hunger and desire' to be one of those who 'did sit in the sunshine'. SO HE PRAYED, 'whether at home or abroad, in house or field, O LORD CONSIDER MY DISTRESS'!

(quote from a book that helped b's pastor to come to Christ)...consider that to dye, is but to be done once and if we erre in that one action, we are undone everlastingly. and therefore have thine end ever in thine eie...that thou maist looke upon thy last bed, to be full sorely terribly assaulted by the king of feare...by the fearfull sight of all thy former sinnes...and the very powder-plot of the prince of hell...what manner of man oughtest thou to be then in the meane time, in all holy care, fore-cast and casting about to give up thine account with comfort at that dreadful hour? be so farre from deferring repentance in this day of visitation, and putting off till that time...consider that thou must presently passe to an impartiall, strict, the highest and last Tribunall, which can never be appealed from or repeal'd...for every thought of thine heart, every word of thy mouth, every glance of thine eye, every moment of thy time...let us then, whilst it is called to-day, call ourselves to account, examine, search and try thorowly our hearts, lives, and callings, our thoughts, words and deeds...consider the privation of God's glorious presence and eternall separation from those everlasting joyes...o then, HAVING YET A PRICE IN THINE HAND, to get wisdome to go to heaven, LAY IT OUT WITH ALL HOLY EAGERNESS while it is called to-day, for the spirituall and eternall good of thy soule...

(joining the church at bedford)...b who was not even yet sure of his salvation, would often visit mr. gifford (his pastor). he liked to hear gifford 'confer with others about the dealings of God with their souls'. the deeper the conviction he received, the further he felt himself from the goal he had set out to reach. 'foolish vanity' seemed to take the place of soul-longing after God.

those to whom b confided his misgivings, vainly sought to comfort him with God's promises. his very heart seemed closed 'against the Lord and against His holy word'. yet his conscience was tender; so tender indeed that he 'durst not take a tin or a stick', lest it should seem to resemble thieving. even the words he spoke caused him to fear, lest he 'should misplace them'. but he realized that though he was such a great sinner, yet God had not charged him with the guilt of sins of ignorance. he saw that 'righteousness was nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus Christ'. it was 'original and inward pollution' that plagued and afflicted him, and he feared lest sin and corruption should bubble out of his heart as water from a fountain.

older people around him, who were seeking treasures upon earth, 'as if they should live heere always', and those who professed faith and were yet much cast down and distressed over 'outward losses', perplexed him.

but amidst all this problematic inquiry going on within his heart and mind, jb had firmly grasped the eternal truth - that only the blood of Christ can remove the guilt of sin to him was so real and terrible, that he even felt envious of the sinless brute creation, as he reviewed the fallen state of sinful man, and considered that beasts and birds and fishes 'were not obnoxious to the wrath of God'.
from jb's 'holy war, 'now, as deabolus was busy and industrious in preparing to make his assault upon the town of mansoul without, so the captains and soldiers in the corporation were as busy in preparing within..but diabolus answered, do you hope, do you wait, do you look for help and deliverance? you have sent to Emmanuel, but your wickedness sticks too close in your skirts, to let innocent prayers come out of your lips. think you that you shall be prevailers and prosper in this design? you will fail in your attempts; for it is not only i, but your Emmanuel is against you: yea, it is He that hath sent me against you to subdue you. for what then, do you hope? or by what means will you escape?'

...'seated in the high-backed pew at st. john's one sabbath day, jb, his thoughts still stubbornly fixed upon his 'inner' self, with the other faithful few who formed john gifford's flock listened to a servant of God as he expounded a verse from the song of songs; 'behold thou are fair, my love; behold thou art fair'.

the preacher dwelt upon the two words, 'my Love' and, making them 'his chief subject-matter', he drew 'these several conclusions:
1. that the Church, and so every saved soul, is Christ's love, when loveless.'
2. Christ's love without a cause
3. Christ's love when hated of the world.
4. Christ's love when under temptation and under desertion.
5. Christ's love from first to last'

but the arguments put forward brought jb no consolation. not until the preacher began to apply his teaching was the young man's ear caught and his heart captured. it was the application of the fourth conclusion that fitted the case of the bewildered convert. this is what the preacher said; 'if it be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love under temptation, and the hidings of god's face, yet think on these two words, "MY LOVE", still.

the two words, "MY LOVE' returned again and again as jb returnee to elstow, and as he asked himself the question - what shall i get by thinking on these two words? -the answer, which kindled his spirit, came quickly and surely: 'thou art My love! thou art My love!' and repeated itself '20 times together' and each time 'waxed stronger and warmer. the words began to make me look up..

however, he was in the balance 'between hope and fear', and he once more questioned in his own heart - 'but is it true, but is it true?'

'at last i began to give place to the word, which, with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, "thou art my love and nothing shall separate thee from My love"...surely i will not forget this 40 years hence'.

...but, alas! within a month he 'had lost much of the life and savour' of the new-born joy and he realized that the tempter was again shadowing his path.

jb's overwrought system was sensitive to every impulse. the least suspicion of sound affected him, and he though voices were calling after him.

at length 'a very great storm came down upon me, 20 times worse than all i had met with before'. and it came stealthily too. the tempter used subtle means to attack his victim's mind. doubts as to the Fact of God and Christ, and the Truth of the scriptures, were amongst the temptations.

jb again fell into the slough of despond; he was in the grip of giant despair. he found it even hard to shed a tear of repentance - albeit he did deplore his apparent hardness of heart.

for long, weary months satan held sway over jb's mind; so much so that attendance upon the ordinances of god was performed perfunctorily.

it became irksome to read the bible, and prayer was well nigh impossible. 'and the tempter laboured to distract me and confound me'....diabolus was determined to recapture mansoul!

pressed beyond measure but not confounded, jb could not find himself fit to die; and yet could not but believe that 'to live long would make me feel more unfit'! so he CONTINUED to cry to the Lord and the Lord heard him; 'in which days that was a good word to me after i had suffered these things a while - i am persuaded that neither height, nor depth, nor life...shall separate us from the love of god, which is in Christ Jesus'.

the testings he had endured were not without their support to his spiritual life. one day when jb was sitting in a neighbor's house, sad at heart, and bemoaning his unjust thoughts of god's love, 'that word came (note- this biographer reports in another place that jb literally wore out his bible seeking to find God's word to him in each difficulty and question. do you? do i?) suddenly upon me, "what shall we then say to these things? if God be for us, who can be against us?"; and, too, the words, "because I live, ye shall live also', were, though short-lived, 'very sweet when present'. but they vanished all too soon out of his poor, troubled mind and seemed to him 'like peter's sheet, of a sudden caught up to heaven again'.

on another occasion jb was travelling into the country, and musing on his own unworthiness, when these words came into his mind -"He hath made peace through the blood of His cross'". he gripped their true meaning. that was a good day for me'..
at another time, by his own fireside, with bible in hand and reflecting upon his wretchedness, the Lord made precious to him the words - "forasmuch, then, as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same; that through death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil and deliver them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to bondage" - a truth from which he gained comfort, 'solid joy and peace'.

like his pilgrim Christian, jb had climbed the Hill difficulty, had seen the lions' fierce eyes and heard their angry roar; but at last he found himself within the chamber called 'peace', from which he could delight his mind with a sight of the Delectable Mountains.

jb, as he sat under the ministry of 'holy' mr. gifford, benefited from his teaching. mg was not the man to lead his people into a false peace by unsound doctrine. he bade them not to take the opinion of man, but to seek by earnest prayer the illumination of god's Holy Spirit upon His word. 'because, mg would say, if you have done otherwise, you will find that, when you are strongly tempted, the strength to resist which you expected to find within you, is lacking'.

such exhortations gave encouragement to jb, who, from the weary years of experience, had at last discovered the truth of the words - "no man can say that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the Holy Spirit'. he realized also the difference between carnal notions and genuine revelations of God; between feigned faith, according to the wisdom of man, and 'the faith which comes through a man being born thereto of God'. thus was jb led on 'from truth to truth by God'. 'truly, the great God was very good to me', jb exclaims joyfully.

however, doubts sometimes assail him still; doubts which, in a normal mind might pass as quickly as they enter; with him they needed something more by way of settlement. but good came of them, for, as he says, 'I WAS DRIVEN TO A MORE NARROW SEARCH OF THE SCRIPTURES'.

a timely volume ('so old that it was ready to fll piece from piece, if i did but turn it over'), martin luther's 'commentary on the galatians' (note: in our times of spiritual distress we can spend time with God in His word but with men and women who have walked with God through time, even though we know of no such in the flesh), was sent to him, as he believed, by God. it brought him comfort. 'i was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand'. its contentsmet his need. with the exception of his bible, the luther commentary was to him preferable 'before all the books that ever i have seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience'.

the dread of having committed 'the unpardonable sin' led jb one day to 'break his mind' to 'an ancient christian. i told him all my case. i was afraid i had sinned the sin against the Holy Spirit'. his aged friend, with more candour than discretion, replied, 'i think so too'. jb sorrowfully remarks, 'i had but cold comfort'. this helped to contribute to his distressed condition. but, although still retaining a sincere regard for his companion, he turned from man to God.

yet, strange to say, comfort fled from his grasp, even when he read the Word of God. 'the most free and full and gracious words of the gospel were the greatest torment to me.' he was tempted to believe that Christ did, indeed, pity his case, but could not speak the word of forgiveness, not because His merits were weak of His grace run out, but because His faithfulness to His threatenings would not let Him extend his mercy to sucha sinner as jb. 'these things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations'. it was long before the word TOOK HOLD UPON HIM: "the blood of Jesus Christ, God's Son, cleanse thus from all sin". (note-oh Lord God, do Thou to me also this blessedness without end!)

...he did not..easily escape the meshes the adversary had set and a long period of testing followed, in which he compared his own life with that of innumerable bible characters and in so doing he found himself to be 'the least of all saints'; so much so, that he doubted whether he were a saint at all.

'thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, was my soul, like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds...i was as those that jostle against the rocks; more broken, scattered and rent'.

one day jb walked to a neighboring town and having seated himself on 'a settle in the street', he 'fell into a very deep pause'. in a sombre reverie he lifted his head; but the sun itself seemed to grudge him its light. the very stones in the streets and tiles upon the houses appeared to set themselves in array against him. but to the cry from the bitterness of his soul, there echoed out of the darkness - "I have loved thee with an everlasting love".

three days later at evening he sought the Lord in prayer: 'O Lord, i beseech Thee, show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love'!

'now i went to bed at quiet; also when i awaked the next morning, it was freshupon my soul, and - I BELIEVED IT!

'but before many weeks were over, i began to despond again' (note - WOE is me and everyone of a melancholy bent!); AND 'THE SCRIPTURE CAME INTO MY HEART. "THIS IS FOR MANY DAYS". THEN 'THOUGHT I, MANY DAYS ARE NOT FOREVER; MANY DAYS WILL HAVE AN END'. (note - HALLELUJAH!)

during this period, 'i remember i was again much under the question, whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul'. the doubt began in the morning and lasted 'till about seven or eight at night'. then 'these words did sound suddenly within my heart, HE IS ABLE'.

at the end here i append other parts of the jb bio i find a help in some way spiritually

ah my dear angry Lord,
since Thou dost love, yet strike;
cast down, yet help afford;
sure i will do the like.

i will complain, yet praise;
i will bewail, approve;
and all my sour-sweet days
i will lament and love. george herbert

'i was made to see that if i would suffer rightly i must first pass a sentence of death upon everything which can properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and ALL, as dead to me and myself as dead to them.
and, second, to live upon God that is invisible.'

...'christian men should be living men. take heed of being painted fire, wherein there is no warmth; and painted flowers, which retain no fragrance; and painted trees whereon is no fruit'..

jb ever preached what he 'did smartingly feel'..

'i have often thought that the best of christians are found in the worst times; and i have thought again, that ONE REASON WE ARE NOT BETTER IS, BECAUSE GOD PURGES US NO MORE: noah and job, who so holy as they in the time of their afflictions! and yet, who so idle as they in the time of their prosperity?'

'we are but dust and ashes, Thou the great God, the Lather of our Lord Jesus Christ! we are vile sinners, Thou art a holy God! we are as poor crawling worms! Thou art the Omnipotent Creator!....may our hearts be without words, O Lord, rather than our words be without heart. for we know, O God, that prayer doth make us cease from sin; and we know, too, that sin entices us from prayer! give us therefore the true spirit of prayer which is more precious than thousands of gold and silver'.

jb writes, 'why is a broken heart put in the room of all sacrifices which we can offer to God? a broken heart, a contrite spirit, God will not despise. He will certainly slight and reject, if, when thou comest to him, a broken heart be wanting: wherefore, here is the point, come broken, come contrite, come sensible of and sorry for thy sins, or they coming will be counted no coming to God aright; and if so, consequently thou wilt get no benefit thereby'.

titles that jb wrote found in this bio -

the doctrine of grace and law unfolded
some gospel truths unfolded
a discourse touching prayer
profitable meditations
the holy city
resurrection from the dead
a confession of faith and reason of my practice
a defense of the doctrine of justification
differences in judgment about water-baptism no bar to communion
pilgrim's progress (1674)
the strait gate
the life and death of mr. badman
the holy war
a caution to stir up a watch against sin
questions about the nature and the perpetuity of the seventh-day sabbath
a discourse upon the pharisee and the publican
the work of Jesus Christ as an advocate
a discourse of the building, nature, excellency and government of the house of God
the water of life
solomon's temple spiritualiz'd
the acceptable sacrifice
the greatness of the soul
the heavenly footman

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

1.3.2012 A NEW YEAR...A NEW LIFE?

about four years ago i was introduced to the nearest, i believe, abortuary (where they murder unborn human beings) to my home in souderton, pa. the warminster planned parenthood on louis drive is some 15 miles from home. i had volunteered to go there and stand out front and pray as part of a '40 days for life' campaign. that night i met a woman who, in the course of conversation told me that every friday morning some 20-25 babies lost their lives in the building before which we stood. that night the reality of abortion became much more real. i decided to come every friday morning and have been doing so since.

i was a junior in college when abortion was declared lawful in roe v. wade (jan. 1973). i understood conceptually what had just been 'legalized' but that was it. as far back as the early 1990's i had been exercised enough about abortion to write articles for the editorial page of the local newspaper...to tell my wife during that time that i was going to refuse to pay my taxes and go to jail. it was, though growing and becoming enraging,..still largely a concept. then i had a 'vision' (kind of like a day time reverie in which one looses themselves and during which are unconscious of what goes on around...with the nature of a nightmare rather than a day dream) concerning the slaughter of children on the front porch of a neighboring house on my street...a slaughter which though done in the darkness was openly acknowledged by several of the borough police bringing coffee and donuts to the bloody-aproned man and woman who had been active during the night..by the pile of bloodied human parts piled on the front porch.

from that time to this i have gone through periodic paroxysms where i felt i must DO SOMETHING about abortion..not just vote prolife, appear on fridays at the planned parenthood, give to prolife causes, etc. but do something. i investigated the use of violence and heard the words of those currently imprisoned for so doing finally concluding that for an individual to murder to stop those who murder was quite inconsistent not to say direct disobedience to God's command not to kill in premeditated fashion.

ghandi's non-violent, non-cooperation attracted me. it seemed to fall within the bounds of God's instructions on properly relating to governmental authority given in romans 13.1f. paying taxes could not be ignored for it is directly enjoined there and, of course, Jesus paid taxes to a corrupt government and never advocated revolution. but could there not be non-cooperation with something evil encouraged by government so long as there was a willingness to accept the penalty given for such.

then i came upon isaiah 1.17's 'do justice..defend the orphan' as well as the very powerful verses in proverbs 24.10-12 which enjoin the same.

on november 4, while in an abortion paroxysm i felt that i should take a non-violent action of non-cooperation with the united state's support of open genocide against those least able to defend themselves. what action would fit within God's will. i finally decided to go up next to the door of the abortuary with the purpose of interacting with women entering the building. there, upon receiving a 'yes' to the question, 'are you coming for an abortion?', i would ask if they would like to receive information (contained in a pamphlet i had in my hand) that might enable them to make another choice.

i made the decision to do this on december 21...the day when light begins, once again, to encroach upon the reign of darkness.

it did not take long for me, in fear and uncertainty as to whether this was right, to withdraw from that determination.

many times it would be months between abortion paroxysms, but now another followed before the end of november...with the same result. in early december several more came even more closely to each other. i was coming to the point in my daily life where life was becoming what seemed a moment by moment horror and i concluded that nothing i faced in prison could be more horrible. i was, inside, a dead man, but walking around. life was not only totally empty, it was a horror. i must non-cooperate. i must defend the orphan, even if it had to be in such a small innocuous way as this. i would offer pamphlets at planned parenthood on dec. 21.

the day came. i took my place near the door and talked with several women entering. one took a pamphlet (which i was sure would be made known inside). in a few minutes the woman in charge came out and informed me i must move away. i declined to do this with the explanation that i was burdened that women be presented with the opportunity to chose another way to deal with their pregnancy. soon the police arrived. the same type of interchange ensued and i was arrested. i was finger printed at the warminster police station, charged and held for several hours while this was processed. when taking me back for my car at the planned parenthood i informed the officer that i planned to do the same thing. once again i was arrested and this time arraigned before the local judge and incarcerated at the bucks county correctional facility in doylestown, pa.

in the processing i was granted a call to my son in which i declined his offer to post bail and was brought to cell block e where nearly 100 men where in animated discussion, watching tv, playing chess etc. i went into my cell and met my cell mate. we talked, read the bible and prayed together and he went to sleep while i started to read the jail regulations. it is hard to put it into words but, my peace in pursuing the goal of 'making a statement about abortion' and 'suffering in some small way with the millions who have suffered abortion' evaporated completely. i don't remember a time when i felt so completely abandoned by God as i did that night. i just knew one thing: the place where i had assumed i would spend the rest of my life, WAS NOT THE PLACE I SHOULD BE.

in the morning i called my son, who posted bail, and taken by the constable to the courthouse in warminster where my son helped me retrieve my car.

in looking forward to my hearing on 2.3.2012 i am of one thought: to plead guilty to the charges against me and 'pay' whatever penalty is assigned.

what do i make of all this! the thot comes that GOD LET ME DO WHAT I SO DESPERATELY THOUGHT I WAS BEHOLDEN BEFORE HIM TO DO. (with the thot: he is so intent on doing this, the only way he'll be cured is if he does it. only in that way will the fever be quenched). that's the thing that comes. somewhere it says in psalms, i think, 'He gave them the desires of their heart but sent leanness to their bones'. maybe this is something like that, i don't fully know. all i know is that 'i am cured' of any such desire to 'serve God' in this manner.

it has come to me that i couldn't quite see Jesus provoking arrest over anything. Jesus is somewhat of an enigma when it comes to these things. He taught 'do not resist the evil man' but help him, do good to him, speak well ('bless') of him, speak truth to him....but don't in anyway try to 'force' him. is that right?

in my post-12.21.2011 thinking i feel embarrassed over the lame, contrived way i 'forced' arrest. it all seemed so artificial, fake. if they only discarded whole aborted babies in a garbage pail out back which i could secretly 'rescue' and nurse to growth and sustained life...now that has alot more the sense of Jesus than staging a breaking of a rule in order to be arrested. the whole thing seems absurd, in retrospect.

Jesus only 'presented' Himself for arrest when He knew it was His time to give His life. but even then they sought Him out, not He them! i am thinking that my thinking was actually more ghandi than Christ. in the 'name of Christ' i was actually a disciple of ghandi maybe. i am thinking now that non-violent, non-cooperation, my model for 12.21, is in reality a kind of sneaky, round about way of 'gently forcing' one's will on others. no one forced me to abort a baby did they? i can see that if Jesus were forced to abort a baby that He would simply have declined and taken what came.

if God, who is guiding all things can 'live through open genocide', can't i? it is said of Jesus, 'He will not quarrel, nor cry out; nor will anyone hear His voice in the streets. a battered reed He will not bread off, and a smoldering wick He will not put out, until He leads justice to victory' matt.12.19f. there is coming a day when everything that any man does that is wrong will be made right and justice will be done. so the message to me is: 1. don't do wrong yourself (ie. stick to doing what Jesus commands), 2. speak truth to those who do wrong in hope that they may fear God and not continue to do so, 3. don't try to force wrongdoers to do right. do i have it right, Lord? not quite sure totally at this point....i am sensing, however, that You may have finally 'cured' me of my incessant abortion paroxysms and the 'solution' they drove me to...finally, it just occurs to me now that in my experience it seems pretty axiomatic that satan drives, compels; God leads, suggests, gives impulse. Lord, help me follow You. the former seems the better description of the paroxysms and 12.21 than the latter.

Monday, January 2, 2012

1.2.2012 HOW THE IRISH SAVED CIVILIZATION - THOMAS CAHILL

the author stretches a lot of very interesting facts about ireland and her children as a rich ornament across the scaffold of his theme.

with the fall of the roman empire the greek language found a home in the byzantine empire in the east which assured its continuance into modern times. latin, certainly as a literature, however, was in real danger of being entirely lost due to the ravages of the empire in the west by the pagan germanic hoards.

the story of a celtic slave, patricius, taken from england by irish kidnappers...and then miraculously 'escaping' by an evident miracle...and then returning to ireland as a missionary is like the beautiful God-created bud of magnificent flowering of His love and light sent into the darkness at the hands of His chosen irish ambassadors. the process is... God seems to 'call' manuscripts and manuscript art from as far away as egypt and syria to the emerald isle. the irish take up copying with a passion in the monasteries birthed by the gospel seeds strewn by saint patrick. the full bloom? the irish go out to the inhabited earth, primarily in europe but as far as what would one day be america, evangelizing and giving these areas the latin literature that had come, unbidden, to them for preservation and... reintroduction. it is a fascinating story, an illustration of one of the myriads of ways God works His way and will in and through individuals like you and me.