HAMMERBLOW #6 - at the end of july, 2006, while biking down main st. in souderton i hit an opening car door i never saw at about 25 mph. i had no helmet on. an eyewitness told me i went about 20 feet or so before hitting the pavement with my head and shoulder. i was helecoptered to st. luke's hospital in bethlehem. it was three months until i was able to return to work.
God had been speaking to me pretty clearly about my pride. i love to ride fast. i love to show off. i was wrestling against the constant checks and warnings in my spirit virtually every time i went out biking. several days before this i was nearly hit by a car which turned in from of me at the branch fellowship church in harleysville. i escaped that with a scraped bloodied leg and elbow. but in my arrogance i finished out the rest of my circuit going to skippack and back route 113 into souderton. i was thinking about how good a cyclist i was to have escaped such a close call, how everyone saw my blood but also my speed in going home...wow. yea, it was really disgusting...yet i persisted until God had to spank harder. the classic case of presumptuous sin,,deliberately crossing a line set by and warned of by God.
i guess He wanted me here a while longer but He taught me much. there was a fundamental inner change. i still struggle with pride but it's materially different than before. He provided miraculously, almost to the exact dollar what i needed to live during that 3 month period so that at the end i was in almost the same financial position i was in when it happened. He paid all my 70k of medical expenses. He was preparing me for what was to come.
HAMMERBLOW #7 i hadn't been back painting for my employer for more than several weeks after the bike accident when he informed me that he wanted me to go out on my own. this was thanksgiving of 2006. he wanted me to be independent starting january 1, 2007. I AM NOT A BUSINESS MAN in any way. God somehow kept me from bolting and running back to a normal, 'safe' job and as of january 1st i was on my own for the first time since a friend and i had started our own landscaping business to put ourselves through college by going door to door asking, 'do you want your lawn cut?' that winter i often found myself in a fetal position in bed..in stark fear. what God was to do..to see me through 4 years of business was a story of miracles. i'll only share one. i felt incapable of giving a job estimate that would not involve me losing my shirt. in 4 years i only had one estimate and only lost $600. God abundantly provided, on a yearly average, that year 40 hours, the next 30, then 20, last year 10 just as it had come to me to do. the most important thing He did through this was to slowly strengthen my faith to the point where when i entered the 'no more work for pay period starting around november 15, 2010 i was concerned but not anywhere near paralysis and terror. God's good hammerblows..
HAMMERBLOW#8 june 6 was my last sunday at emmanuel leidy church in souderton. a church about .5 miles from 54. a church full of people who i feel very close to till this day and, most likely, always will. for the last year before leaving, after an extremely hectic involvement in church life for 5 years or so, i began to sense i should become less involved. this grew to the point where i began to sense a bit more than just less involvement. there was an unrest in my spirit. i had gone to a wild at heart men's retreat in march and it was there, for the first time, i even had any thought of the possibility of leaving the church. this was not even on my radar. i had assumed i would live and die having attended leidy church and then being buried in their cemetary! but with this unexpected thot i began to wrestle and commit to pray. the unrest increased and i decided to cast a lot on 'shall i leave leidy church?' the answer was yes. in calling the people i knew to let them know i would be leaving the ? came up: where are you going? i had no idea. there was no where i wanted to go. then, well, can that be of the Lord if you don't have a place to go? well, abraham was sent out from his country not knowing where he was going, so maybe this is somewhat similar. i definitely had a peace. during the next 2 months i visited a number of local churches and sensed that the Lord was leading me to mision evangelica, a spanish speaking church on railroad ave. .25 from 54. there i am seeking to do what God shows me to do. recently He reminded me from hebrews 10.25 that to His negative instruction 'not to forsake the assembling of yourselves together' he added the positive 'but EXHORTING one another and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching'. i still am a member at leidy but for now this is where He has me. my prayer is that i will be able to communicate His love and truth in spanish as well as in english.
HAMMERBLOW#9 2010 was a textbook case of the scripture that talks about a man making his plans but the Lord directing his steps. i went into the year thinking i would hopefully get the 520 (10 hr a week average) hours out of the way quickly and move on to other things. it was not to be until november i completed those. it was a year of almost uninterrupted spanking. the Lord had been making it clearer in 2009 that He didn't want me to do anything, including take painting jobs, without FIRST consulting Him. again and again i failed to do this, not only in 09 but all the way through 2010. every single time a lot of bad things happened. too long to tell the sad tale but it was a rough year.
i worked for one individual whose situation and whose manner of relating made their job, by far, the worst i have ever encountered. i don't want to say too much but will say that i was uncerimoniously kicked off the job three times, had to endure untold difficulties because of the decisions made by this individual and put hundreds of hours of my time and thousands of dollars out of pocket to help this project come to a successful completion. toward the end when i was finally enabled to finish the painting...as if that weren't enough, the Lord put it on my heart to continue to work with this person and even get some other men i knew to help bring everything to completion. one long 15 hour day when i was really working hard to get to a certain goal, this person was largely unemployed, walking around the house, talking to others. that day i experienced just a little bit what a slave must feel like...and then the Lord reminded me of romans 12.8. i had been feeling pretty uppity for not giving this person what they deserved (i am merciful...aren't i great) the verse says 'those that show mercy with cheerfulness'. i still have a long way to go. the last time i worked there was another 15 hour day finishing up everything in time to catch the night before christmas show on xtu on the way home. it was the most wonderful christmas gift i think i have ever received. what music! i was transported right into His presence. He was so real, so precious, so loving...all the way home...it was so good i scrounged around and found an old hanger to enable me to hear the rest until it ended at 1 am...warm and beloved..thinking of He who allowed Himself to be so vulnerable for my never-ending good! the perfect ending to a harrowing year.
HAMMERBLOW#10 2011 i entered another new world. i will, to avoid continuing with too many words. hope to just type exactly what is in my journal. the vision of beyond 'work for pay' has all along been matt. 6.33... now two months into the year it has expanded to matt. 6.19-34...absolute and CAREFUL obedience down to the detail... live each day by design rather than whatever... growing awareness i have no heart for God nor man (so what am i doing trying to seek God and His kingdom if i have no heart for it. insane!)...this, driving me toward a spiritual desperation and to more prayer (and fasting...but i have no desire!)...call to leave man's estimation of me in the trashcan and seek only God's favor...utter weakness and perplexity with greatly heightened temptations in strength and number and spiritual warfare...am filled nevertheless with the glow of His love, it is always with or not far from me...thrilled at my reality: once i was dead to God, i still richly deserve hell but THERE IS NEVERENDING LIFE WITH IN ME THAT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN FROM ME...once i thot i was good, now i know i will never do one good thing here...my first task (other than being involved in FLOOD PHILLY..an effort to share the gospel with as many children in philadelphia as possible, june 23-july 1 and leidy's stormer lake mission trip to canada to have a bible school with ojibwe children from july 7-17) is to conquer 54...my fondest hope is that i will be freed soon of all that binds me to begin, for the rest of my earthly life, a concerted and continuous non-violent, non-cooperation with the u.s. government due to the genocide it is pursuing against voiceless, defenseless, innocent human beings..to be able to stand with them that are massacred day by day and to share a tiny bit in their pain..in their life being cut off..prison is the only place, at this time, for any self-respecting man or woman...
may my Lover keep raining His HAMMERBLOWS OF LOVE down upon me so that i may be privileged to be corrected for my many sins and also to have a share in His sufferings for me and every human being...
Monday, February 28, 2011
2.28.2011 ME (BIOS) VS. YOU IN ME (ZOE)
bios is the natural human life in me which, left by itself leads to two deaths, one physical (the separation of my body from my soul) and one spiritual (which results in the never ending separation of my soul from God). i was born dead spiritually and have probably lived that way up until a few years ago even though i have many years been religious...then Jesus found me! now i'll never die! what i'm saying is that my physical death, which i am anticipating with an ever growing joy, (for at the moment i see Jesus, I john 3.2 says that, i will be like Him for i will see Him as He is) it will be like passing through a now closed door into endless, incomparable bliss.
jude 24-5 says, 'now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. amen'.
so for a person who used to have only natural, human life, bios, now i also have been blessed by uncreated life, zoe. this latter life could only come to be by being united with Jesus whereby i now possess Jesus' never ending, eternal life. He never had a beginning, will never have an end. i had a beginning, but will never have an end!
but these two lives tangle. they are at odds. galatians 5.17 says that the flesh sets it desire against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh, for these are in opposition to one another so that you can not do what you would. there's a war going on. this brings me to something i read of c.s. lewis this morning from his 'mere christianity'.
..'the present state of things is this. the 2 kinds of life are now not only different (they would always have been that) but actually opposed. the natural life in each of us is something self-centered, something that wants to be petted and admired, to take advantage of other lives, to exploit the whole universe. and especially it wants to be left to itself; to keep well away from anything better of stronger or higher than it, anything that might make it feel small. it is afraid of the light and air of the spiritual world, just as people who have been brought up to be dirty are afraid of a bath. and in a sense it is quite right. it knows that if the spiritual life gets hold of it, all its self-centeredness and self-will are going to be killed, and it is ready to fight tooth and nail to avoid that'.
one thing i'm asking God about right now is for a deeper infilling of Him, His Spirit so that i don't find myself hating people, etc, etc. oh for His heart of love! if i could only relate to others as He relates to me in all my sin! last night i was looking at 4 verses: romans 6.6, 8.13; galatians 2.20, 5.24. the first three i can fit into my pea brain understanding. it's the last one that really bothers me, especially the words 'HAVE CRUCIFIED the flesh (self nature, bios) with its passions and desires'.. i wonder if i have ever done that...is that why i struggle so much against sin in my life..so my inner mind queries. i asked the Lord to bring me to this point. i don't know if i have ever consecrated myself completely to do whatever He wants. if any other believer would ever read this...would you ask God to help me to take that step. i want to live all out for Jesus but it always seems like one step forward and two steps back. may You help me to give You my all, Lord.
jude 24-5 says, 'now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. amen'.
so for a person who used to have only natural, human life, bios, now i also have been blessed by uncreated life, zoe. this latter life could only come to be by being united with Jesus whereby i now possess Jesus' never ending, eternal life. He never had a beginning, will never have an end. i had a beginning, but will never have an end!
but these two lives tangle. they are at odds. galatians 5.17 says that the flesh sets it desire against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh, for these are in opposition to one another so that you can not do what you would. there's a war going on. this brings me to something i read of c.s. lewis this morning from his 'mere christianity'.
..'the present state of things is this. the 2 kinds of life are now not only different (they would always have been that) but actually opposed. the natural life in each of us is something self-centered, something that wants to be petted and admired, to take advantage of other lives, to exploit the whole universe. and especially it wants to be left to itself; to keep well away from anything better of stronger or higher than it, anything that might make it feel small. it is afraid of the light and air of the spiritual world, just as people who have been brought up to be dirty are afraid of a bath. and in a sense it is quite right. it knows that if the spiritual life gets hold of it, all its self-centeredness and self-will are going to be killed, and it is ready to fight tooth and nail to avoid that'.
one thing i'm asking God about right now is for a deeper infilling of Him, His Spirit so that i don't find myself hating people, etc, etc. oh for His heart of love! if i could only relate to others as He relates to me in all my sin! last night i was looking at 4 verses: romans 6.6, 8.13; galatians 2.20, 5.24. the first three i can fit into my pea brain understanding. it's the last one that really bothers me, especially the words 'HAVE CRUCIFIED the flesh (self nature, bios) with its passions and desires'.. i wonder if i have ever done that...is that why i struggle so much against sin in my life..so my inner mind queries. i asked the Lord to bring me to this point. i don't know if i have ever consecrated myself completely to do whatever He wants. if any other believer would ever read this...would you ask God to help me to take that step. i want to live all out for Jesus but it always seems like one step forward and two steps back. may You help me to give You my all, Lord.
Friday, February 25, 2011
2.22.2011 HAMMERBLOWS FROM THE HAND OF A LOVER I
from today's blog...listen to this description of the Lord!
the Lord which MADE THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH, the sea and all that therein is
which KEEPETH TRUTH FOREVER
which EXECUTETH JUDGMENT FOR THE OPPRESSED
which GIVETH FOOD TO THE HUNGRY
the Lord LOOSETH THE PRISONER
the Lord OPENETH THE EYES OF THE BLIND
the Lord RAISETH THEM THAT ARE BOWED DOWN
the Lord LOVETH THE RIGHTEOUS
the Lord PRESERVETH THE STRANGERS
He RELIEVETH THE FATHERLESS AND THE WIDOW
BUT
the way of the wicked HE TURNETH UPSIDE DOWN
the Lord shall reign forever..Praise ye the Lord! psalm 146.6-10
boy, is He ever a busy worker! oh Lord help me work with You not against..
today i had thots of the Lord's workings in my life over the last decade or so which may be termed HAMMER BLOWS BY THE HAND OF A LOVER.
it has by far been the most tumultuous decade of my entire life, but boy!!!! has it ever been good. i have suffered more, again, in that decade than probably my whole life before! but He has put a golden, glorious lining to every cloud as He is shaping me into His image.
HAMMERBLOW #1 - my wife's lawyer serves divorce papers 1.3.2000 to generally mark the one year anniversary of my crushing our family television in landis market's trash compactor late on new year's eve 1998. this was an initial 'statement' that i was reclaiming leadership of our family and household. (this is not necessarily recommended as a 'to do in loving leadership of the christian home' but my own sinful way of groping toward god.
HAMMERBLOW #2 - divorce becomes final in, i believe, march 2001
HAMMERBLOW #3 - december 2001 i purchase my first rental property in allentown and become a bigshot LANDLORD.
HAMMERBLOW #4 - january 2002 am miraculously 'released from my marriage' in pastor neiderhaus' office which unleashed: looked at from one angle, what immediately ensued with gusto was a period of off the charts sexual desire, temptation on about the level of when i hit 13 and the hormones kicked in. now one dead sexually for many year was definitely ALIVE. i don't think it publicly edifying to outline (who in words could describe the whole magical mystery tour in less than millions of words!) this strain of life but suffice it to say that it took divine intervention to keep me from asking out a young lady of 18 years old with whom i worked and with whom i had 'fallen absolutely in love with within a several month time frame from the aforementioned miraculous inner change'! ..oh, by the way, i turned 50 in may..
looked at from another it was God's crucible which He has unbelievably used to heal me of serious sexual dysfunction that had its roots in the 13-22 year old portion of my life and has seen me come to the point where the eyes and the mind are, by and large, healed of woman lust and now i continually am crying to God to give me an absolute pure heart toward every woman, looking at her as His daughter or His precious creation. He has also worked the miracle of setting me apart for my wife, who has remarried, to 'be there' for her if she should ever have need too great to bear alone.
HAMMERBLOW #5 - february 2003 realization of my sin in allentown and the desperate financial trouble that is about to swallow me up. i don't know the ways of the Lord. they are truly mysterious to me. i had been trying to 'get saved' from the time i can remember anything. i didn't try to get saved in this millenium though. it was not until after it probably happened that it began to dawn on me, a dawning that has spread a precious warmth over my whole life..and it keeps getting better every day! i don't know how exactly He did it...but i think He plucked this self-righteous pharisee out of the miry clay and set my foot upon the rock Christ Jesus during this last decade. all the other times it was possibly nothing but religion. the religious labor under the delusion that it is they who are seeking God...and i was a seeker.
but it dawned, as i said, about 2003 when i was getting a royal Fatherly beating in allentown for taking all the tithe $ i had stolen over the years (being a very high critic of how wickedly they spend their $!) and buying 4 properties in allentown. i had a better plan than God..i would get a living from the rents and seek first the kingdom of God!!
the light dawned one day when He led me to malachi 3.8-11 with the words, 'will a man rob God? yet you are robbing Me!..bring the whole tithe into the storehouse , so that there may be food in My house..then i will rebuke the DEVOURER for you, so that it may not destroy..' on that blessed word the light shown so gently into the deep, black pit of wickedness that is my soul. all MY properties were living nightmares which in several months time had drained thousands of dollars. not much more of this would have seen me lose everything. at that moment God wrought a deep change of heart and mind and i told Him i would bring 10% of what i got that week and put it in the offering plate ($8.50 went in) and that i would pay back all i had stolen...and...and...and... He wrought repentance in me. within a year He helped me in a miraculous way. (vs. 10...'test Me now in this..if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows'.) in 5 and a half months He miraculously sold all 4 'wrecks' that the devourer had been destroying. in a year and a half i paid the last of over $98k of debt i was in on the day He wrought repentance. and that was just the beginning of overflowing blessings that continue unabated to this day...in the midst of intensifying spiritual warfare and difficulties of all kinds. i must testify that, in accordance with His blessed word, every bit is a blessed part of 'the good fight of faith' which, by His grace i hope to battle to the last breath here.
but i get lost!!!! i am ahead of the point, which is, that His spirit gently brought the teeny tiny thought into my mind that this was the first time i ever remembered being spanked by Him. this was in the midst of sinking beneath the angry allentown waves before seeing the malachi beacon shown into my heart. in the midst of extreme agony, fear, horror a little gentle warmth was in that thought. i puzzled over it. tried to think of former spankings. mused about it generally from time to time...but in a very curious way it wrought a tiny warmth in a corner of my soul...could it be..it was almost on an unconscious level, almost like a living breath..not even a whisper..was it......love. in a weird way in all the chaos..i can't describe the very tiny but very real shadowy reality that was forming in the very pit of my sin..did God love me.
now i, like the pharisees, had learned a lot about God, but always had somewhat of an almost unconscious doubt..did i actually know Him..was He a real, live acquaintance? i never was 100% sure. but as i mused on the spanking=love concept..and THEN i was flattened by the precision and power of the malachi word and then..THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWER OF GOD-WROUGHT OBEDIENCE TO HIS WORD..like a dawning of a new day it came. I ALWAYS KNEW ABOUT GOD BUT NOW I KNOW HIM PERSONALLY. HE IS REAL and, almost more importantly to my lost soul, HE LOVES ME! when i sought Him in my way i was lost and almost destroyed in my sin and disobedience (all the while professing belief in all the doctrines of the Bible!) but WHEN HE DECIDED TO SEEK ME, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII W AAAAAAAAAAAA S FOUND! all i can say is H A L L E L U J A H !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL PRAISE F O R E V E R HIS PRECIOUS NAME.
i would be willing to have the worst existence in the history of the human race all the way up to 135 years old or whatever, to whenever God would choose to save me and forgive me from all my filthy sickening sin(s) and put His never-ending Life within me. I'M NEVER GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...any way...He is always with me now. before..i only knew about Him...now i, praise His precious name, KNOW Him and moment by moment am a greatful recipient of His everlasting love.
the Lord which MADE THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH, the sea and all that therein is
which KEEPETH TRUTH FOREVER
which EXECUTETH JUDGMENT FOR THE OPPRESSED
which GIVETH FOOD TO THE HUNGRY
the Lord LOOSETH THE PRISONER
the Lord OPENETH THE EYES OF THE BLIND
the Lord RAISETH THEM THAT ARE BOWED DOWN
the Lord LOVETH THE RIGHTEOUS
the Lord PRESERVETH THE STRANGERS
He RELIEVETH THE FATHERLESS AND THE WIDOW
BUT
the way of the wicked HE TURNETH UPSIDE DOWN
the Lord shall reign forever..Praise ye the Lord! psalm 146.6-10
boy, is He ever a busy worker! oh Lord help me work with You not against..
today i had thots of the Lord's workings in my life over the last decade or so which may be termed HAMMER BLOWS BY THE HAND OF A LOVER.
it has by far been the most tumultuous decade of my entire life, but boy!!!! has it ever been good. i have suffered more, again, in that decade than probably my whole life before! but He has put a golden, glorious lining to every cloud as He is shaping me into His image.
HAMMERBLOW #1 - my wife's lawyer serves divorce papers 1.3.2000 to generally mark the one year anniversary of my crushing our family television in landis market's trash compactor late on new year's eve 1998. this was an initial 'statement' that i was reclaiming leadership of our family and household. (this is not necessarily recommended as a 'to do in loving leadership of the christian home' but my own sinful way of groping toward god.
HAMMERBLOW #2 - divorce becomes final in, i believe, march 2001
HAMMERBLOW #3 - december 2001 i purchase my first rental property in allentown and become a bigshot LANDLORD.
HAMMERBLOW #4 - january 2002 am miraculously 'released from my marriage' in pastor neiderhaus' office which unleashed: looked at from one angle, what immediately ensued with gusto was a period of off the charts sexual desire, temptation on about the level of when i hit 13 and the hormones kicked in. now one dead sexually for many year was definitely ALIVE. i don't think it publicly edifying to outline (who in words could describe the whole magical mystery tour in less than millions of words!) this strain of life but suffice it to say that it took divine intervention to keep me from asking out a young lady of 18 years old with whom i worked and with whom i had 'fallen absolutely in love with within a several month time frame from the aforementioned miraculous inner change'! ..oh, by the way, i turned 50 in may..
looked at from another it was God's crucible which He has unbelievably used to heal me of serious sexual dysfunction that had its roots in the 13-22 year old portion of my life and has seen me come to the point where the eyes and the mind are, by and large, healed of woman lust and now i continually am crying to God to give me an absolute pure heart toward every woman, looking at her as His daughter or His precious creation. He has also worked the miracle of setting me apart for my wife, who has remarried, to 'be there' for her if she should ever have need too great to bear alone.
HAMMERBLOW #5 - february 2003 realization of my sin in allentown and the desperate financial trouble that is about to swallow me up. i don't know the ways of the Lord. they are truly mysterious to me. i had been trying to 'get saved' from the time i can remember anything. i didn't try to get saved in this millenium though. it was not until after it probably happened that it began to dawn on me, a dawning that has spread a precious warmth over my whole life..and it keeps getting better every day! i don't know how exactly He did it...but i think He plucked this self-righteous pharisee out of the miry clay and set my foot upon the rock Christ Jesus during this last decade. all the other times it was possibly nothing but religion. the religious labor under the delusion that it is they who are seeking God...and i was a seeker.
but it dawned, as i said, about 2003 when i was getting a royal Fatherly beating in allentown for taking all the tithe $ i had stolen over the years (being a very high critic of how wickedly they spend their $!) and buying 4 properties in allentown. i had a better plan than God..i would get a living from the rents and seek first the kingdom of God!!
the light dawned one day when He led me to malachi 3.8-11 with the words, 'will a man rob God? yet you are robbing Me!..bring the whole tithe into the storehouse , so that there may be food in My house..then i will rebuke the DEVOURER for you, so that it may not destroy..' on that blessed word the light shown so gently into the deep, black pit of wickedness that is my soul. all MY properties were living nightmares which in several months time had drained thousands of dollars. not much more of this would have seen me lose everything. at that moment God wrought a deep change of heart and mind and i told Him i would bring 10% of what i got that week and put it in the offering plate ($8.50 went in) and that i would pay back all i had stolen...and...and...and... He wrought repentance in me. within a year He helped me in a miraculous way. (vs. 10...'test Me now in this..if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows'.) in 5 and a half months He miraculously sold all 4 'wrecks' that the devourer had been destroying. in a year and a half i paid the last of over $98k of debt i was in on the day He wrought repentance. and that was just the beginning of overflowing blessings that continue unabated to this day...in the midst of intensifying spiritual warfare and difficulties of all kinds. i must testify that, in accordance with His blessed word, every bit is a blessed part of 'the good fight of faith' which, by His grace i hope to battle to the last breath here.
but i get lost!!!! i am ahead of the point, which is, that His spirit gently brought the teeny tiny thought into my mind that this was the first time i ever remembered being spanked by Him. this was in the midst of sinking beneath the angry allentown waves before seeing the malachi beacon shown into my heart. in the midst of extreme agony, fear, horror a little gentle warmth was in that thought. i puzzled over it. tried to think of former spankings. mused about it generally from time to time...but in a very curious way it wrought a tiny warmth in a corner of my soul...could it be..it was almost on an unconscious level, almost like a living breath..not even a whisper..was it......love. in a weird way in all the chaos..i can't describe the very tiny but very real shadowy reality that was forming in the very pit of my sin..did God love me.
now i, like the pharisees, had learned a lot about God, but always had somewhat of an almost unconscious doubt..did i actually know Him..was He a real, live acquaintance? i never was 100% sure. but as i mused on the spanking=love concept..and THEN i was flattened by the precision and power of the malachi word and then..THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWER OF GOD-WROUGHT OBEDIENCE TO HIS WORD..like a dawning of a new day it came. I ALWAYS KNEW ABOUT GOD BUT NOW I KNOW HIM PERSONALLY. HE IS REAL and, almost more importantly to my lost soul, HE LOVES ME! when i sought Him in my way i was lost and almost destroyed in my sin and disobedience (all the while professing belief in all the doctrines of the Bible!) but WHEN HE DECIDED TO SEEK ME, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII W AAAAAAAAAAAA S FOUND! all i can say is H A L L E L U J A H !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL PRAISE F O R E V E R HIS PRECIOUS NAME.
i would be willing to have the worst existence in the history of the human race all the way up to 135 years old or whatever, to whenever God would choose to save me and forgive me from all my filthy sickening sin(s) and put His never-ending Life within me. I'M NEVER GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...any way...He is always with me now. before..i only knew about Him...now i, praise His precious name, KNOW Him and moment by moment am a greatful recipient of His everlasting love.
2.25.2011 JAMES 1.17
i never liked the translation that referred to God as 'the giver of every good and perfect gift' and was further confused by the addition ' with whom is no variableness or shadow of turning'. i used to wonder which things would qualify as 'good and perfect gifts'. in recent years i started to think that maybe it wasn't particular things, but, could it be, actually...everything that comes into my life? could it be that everything that is in my life is a good and perfect gift!
recently i had the thought that looking at the words james was originally written in might clear up this uncertainty. this a.m. i spent some time looking at those words and reading a commentary on that verse written by lenski.
the first 6 original words in the verse, word for word in english mean: all (every)...act(s) of giving...good....every(thing) (the thing) given....complete. once again, simplified, the first sentence of the verse says: EVERY ACT OF GIVING GOOD, EVERY THING GIVEN COMPLETE..6 greek words expressed minimally, to get the most accurate meaning of them, into 9 english words.
the give words come from the same word we get the word grace from, i believe. so....it would seem that the truth of the matter is that EVERYTHING (which we humanly judge 'good', 'bad' or 'indifferent')..every single thing, God says here, through His earthly half-brother james..is good.
as if anticipating our typical human trashing and denial of His truth (ie. THAT can't be true...i have a better idea of what reality is!!) , He not only reveals here that it is He who is the giver of all things great and not so great and downright horrid, but that he is not changeable...reading between the lines He may be speaking to our human penchant to chalk up both what we call good and bad to God. no, the lesser lights, sun, moon, stars, comets etc, change all the time, but not Him, the Father of lights. (God is light and in Him is no darkness at all!) it all comes from Him. malachi 3.6 - I the Lord change not. in simple words NO MATTER WHAT OUR REALITY LOOKS LIKE AT ANY GIVEN TIME, IT IS GOOD..IT HAS COME FROM GOD. God is secretly working out His purpose in all! if we can only believe what He knows..
Lord, would You bring me to the place where i fully believe this and live through everything with total joy. may the recurrent echo in my inner being be 'LORD, YOU ALONE ARE ENOUGH!' ..and then Lord, open Thou my lips that my mouth may show forth Your praise!
recently i had the thought that looking at the words james was originally written in might clear up this uncertainty. this a.m. i spent some time looking at those words and reading a commentary on that verse written by lenski.
the first 6 original words in the verse, word for word in english mean: all (every)...act(s) of giving...good....every(thing) (the thing) given....complete. once again, simplified, the first sentence of the verse says: EVERY ACT OF GIVING GOOD, EVERY THING GIVEN COMPLETE..6 greek words expressed minimally, to get the most accurate meaning of them, into 9 english words.
the give words come from the same word we get the word grace from, i believe. so....it would seem that the truth of the matter is that EVERYTHING (which we humanly judge 'good', 'bad' or 'indifferent')..every single thing, God says here, through His earthly half-brother james..is good.
as if anticipating our typical human trashing and denial of His truth (ie. THAT can't be true...i have a better idea of what reality is!!) , He not only reveals here that it is He who is the giver of all things great and not so great and downright horrid, but that he is not changeable...reading between the lines He may be speaking to our human penchant to chalk up both what we call good and bad to God. no, the lesser lights, sun, moon, stars, comets etc, change all the time, but not Him, the Father of lights. (God is light and in Him is no darkness at all!) it all comes from Him. malachi 3.6 - I the Lord change not. in simple words NO MATTER WHAT OUR REALITY LOOKS LIKE AT ANY GIVEN TIME, IT IS GOOD..IT HAS COME FROM GOD. God is secretly working out His purpose in all! if we can only believe what He knows..
Lord, would You bring me to the place where i fully believe this and live through everything with total joy. may the recurrent echo in my inner being be 'LORD, YOU ALONE ARE ENOUGH!' ..and then Lord, open Thou my lips that my mouth may show forth Your praise!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
2.21.2011 LIVING WILL
1. if i am found in a medical facility, take me away
2. give me (purified) water and simple organic whole foods..PERIOD. (don't worry, i'll pay you for the expense incurred...if i, hopefully, don't make it you got any excess in the bond paying for my creation..i mean, cremation (shop around for a budget burn!).
3. no memorial service. i don't want to be remembered.
4. that's it. let me go fast. i can't wait to look into His eyes! I john 3.2
2. give me (purified) water and simple organic whole foods..PERIOD. (don't worry, i'll pay you for the expense incurred...if i, hopefully, don't make it you got any excess in the bond paying for my creation..i mean, cremation (shop around for a budget burn!).
3. no memorial service. i don't want to be remembered.
4. that's it. let me go fast. i can't wait to look into His eyes! I john 3.2
Sunday, February 20, 2011
2.20 CURRENT NEWS, ETC
worldmag, 2.26.2011, p20..in article on alan wolfe trying to understand dietrich bonhoeffer..'for (bonhoeffer)..the evilness of the nazis could not be defeated via old fashioned 'ethics', 'rules', and 'principles'..the best we can do in the most difficult times is not to view ourselves as free agents possessed with choices, but as subjects of a God whom we trust without reservation'..
indeed humanity is complicated. but courage is simple, a matter of paring away the rationalizations. for the soldier under fire; do i consider my preferences, or stand with my comrades? for the firefighter before a burning building: do i calculate my odds or do i rush in? for the christian in hostile circumstances: do i bargawith God, or do i believe Him?
p.34..in article analyzing current egyptian leader mubarak's step down from power after popular dissent in recent weeks..'the obama administration's reaction to egyptian events has changed from day to day. that's no knock on it at a time when events move fast, but it has elevated the bush administration's tendency to favor democracy rather than liberty into a general principle: our goal seems to be elections, period. and yet, elections without a free press usually produce dictators and democracy without religious liberty produces the tyranny of the mob.
the obama administration has shown its blindness throughout the crisis; for example, president obama's speech on feb 1 listed various freedoms egyptians needed but conspicuously left out 'religion'. islamists have killed and persecuted coptic christians in egypt, and quick-to-speak obama has not spoken. congress has appropriated funds for busting the firewalls that regimes in china, iran, egypt and elsewhere use to restrict internet access in their countries and quick-to-spend obama bureaucrats have not spent those dollars.
..even the american revolution ended well only because it was the work of a century, with colonies becoming largely self-governing early in the 1700s, press and religious liberty gaining solid backing in the 1730s and local leaders - 'lesser magistrates' - asserting themselves in the 1760s. countries that tried to rush the process - france in the 1790s, for instance - typicllly ended up wading in blood'.
indeed humanity is complicated. but courage is simple, a matter of paring away the rationalizations. for the soldier under fire; do i consider my preferences, or stand with my comrades? for the firefighter before a burning building: do i calculate my odds or do i rush in? for the christian in hostile circumstances: do i bargawith God, or do i believe Him?
p.34..in article analyzing current egyptian leader mubarak's step down from power after popular dissent in recent weeks..'the obama administration's reaction to egyptian events has changed from day to day. that's no knock on it at a time when events move fast, but it has elevated the bush administration's tendency to favor democracy rather than liberty into a general principle: our goal seems to be elections, period. and yet, elections without a free press usually produce dictators and democracy without religious liberty produces the tyranny of the mob.
the obama administration has shown its blindness throughout the crisis; for example, president obama's speech on feb 1 listed various freedoms egyptians needed but conspicuously left out 'religion'. islamists have killed and persecuted coptic christians in egypt, and quick-to-speak obama has not spoken. congress has appropriated funds for busting the firewalls that regimes in china, iran, egypt and elsewhere use to restrict internet access in their countries and quick-to-spend obama bureaucrats have not spent those dollars.
..even the american revolution ended well only because it was the work of a century, with colonies becoming largely self-governing early in the 1700s, press and religious liberty gaining solid backing in the 1730s and local leaders - 'lesser magistrates' - asserting themselves in the 1760s. countries that tried to rush the process - france in the 1790s, for instance - typicllly ended up wading in blood'.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
2.13.2011 A SNIPPET FROM MY DAILY NOTEBOOK
..as one of the coreligionists at mision says, rather perceptively i think, esteban is a scribe. i do write alot. i have even cried out to God to set me free from this very strong propensity and which, combined with my like propensity for exactness and ,what i'll call for want of a better word, minutia (!!!) is - how shall i describe it all - a somewhat warm and beloved albatross around the neck of my daily existence. sigh..so i keep pleading for the Lord to free me...if this is not what he wants. it is very powerful and so often, the words just keep flowing and flowing until some inner something is satisfied.
below i copy, verbatim, a bit from this past weeks from my daily journal in which i write most. it starts with my, usually, early morning time of quietness before and talking with the Lord about whatever surfaces in His presence. then it proceeds to PO, which is short for poop - a name my father gave to a weekly sheet of paper in which he would record his daily doings and any other miscellaneous thots he thot important. he obviously was not cursed with my over verbosity. this sometimes edits out things by a ...
2.10
^= time up: at 4 a.m.
slept 6.75 hrs
M=meditate (thru 106 verses) 1 hr reaching as far as psalm 8 (in the psalms section) and romans 15 (in the general bible section) complete daily review of spanish verses currently being learned - one a week - for sunday school/ memorized I corinthians (current focus of memorization) 2.14
R= read .25 hr of the puritans by martyn lloyd-jones
PH= body: 3 hr/ run (this records the daily time it takes to shower, eat, dress and, three times a week, run)
PE= people (this section records different activities which are focused on/involve other people) 4.5.
6.33>HO (currently my mission is to work on 54, my house, 8 hr daily/40 weekly until i get another mission in seeking first Christ's kingdom (do what He wants, at any given time, done in the world in and through me) and His righteousness (discipline myself to understand, by His spirit and do (through much prayer, making to die what i want and do what His Spirit through the word dictates) what He is doing perfectly) note: the > symbol between '6.33' and HO (house) signals that i am straining at His discipline of keeping my nose currently to the grindstone in the thing (maintaining my house properly) which is among the things i most hate in life...i am NOT a householder but a rolling stone, a rambling man, a seeker of adventure and excitement especially in the work of evangelism and the doing of societal justice!
Q=quiet before the Lord/prayer/reading the bible (currently reading thru the spanish bible..up to leviticus 21 so far after maybe a year and a half) note: will pick up with the verbatim..any commentary here is in ( )..
..'the battle royal for the control and domination of my soul continues (unabated) who shall decide what i do, what i say, what i think? shall satan and the world system (which so casually excludes God from any serious consideration by their oppressive 'cultural mores' which dictate i do the same!) and mySELF? or shall i choose (consistently) to MAKE,haceis TO DIE,morir mySELF, shut myself off from satan and the world system and take up the cross You give each moment of each day to (ignore all else) and follow You (do death)? help me continually choose the latter. forgive me for GLUT last night. help me give myself consistently and unreservedly to You Lord..to do Your will...(intercede for others a while)..open Thou my lips to show forth Your praise..help me not to eat lunch and no cheese and no milk on oatmeal today..thank You for (a number of things)...thank You for Your goodness Lord!!!
PO thought comes to:
1. PRAY (and even talk 'out loud' about things i sense satan is tempting me on/in or weaknesses of my flesh..) EVERY TIME the slightest ..intimation about the thing desired (ie. i want to eat cheese, etc.) or the thing abhorred (ie. this a.m. going out at 4 a.m. in the bitter cold to run)
2. PRAY IN ADVANCE: the stronger the forbidden bad (cheese) or abhorrent good (run.. in accordance with 'the plan' which God currently seems to have in place) THE MORE POWERFUL OR OFTEN (the temptation 'to' or 'not to') THE LONGER IN ADVANCE.
3. PLAN EACH DAY, WITH PRAYER, THE NIGHT BEFORE (a current goal)
4. no matter how 'good' or 'bad' , 'desirable' or 'undesirable' the WORK before me (or behind!) FOCUS ON 1) the joy of labor (it is good!) 2) the desirability of contesting with and overcoming challenges and difficulty 3) the goal to do my very best for the glory of God (His good reputation in the minds of people) and not my own 4) the understanding that whatever i do has significance for eternal loss or gain..so understanding to, with prayer, seek to do it as to/for the Lord. 5) the comfort and confident expectation that, in accordance not with why and for whom it is done, i will receive in accordance with the accumulation of good, in God's eyes, works don, rewards far beyond my current understanding. (JOY=YOU ARE ENOUGH LORD..everything for You)..SO WORK, for the night is coming when no man can work.
5. SOCIAL engagements. 1)have a definite time established (from..to) beforehand. 2)limit focus to spiritual goals 3)seek to open your mouth increasingly only to reflect upon or speak of Your glory. 4) don't speak much unless spoken to 5) don't speak at all of yourself and, if asked any thing, give the shortest satisfactory answer possible (no monologues) 6) seek to serve, and make yourself useful and helpful and encouraging (search out ways; read the 'book' of each life and respond appropriate to help and blessing. 7)don't flatter (build up anyone for...ask:what is the motivation of this? fear of men or seeking their honor?) 8)speak consonant with truth always...and always in love.
FLATTER (webster) french 'flatter'; irish 'bladaire' - flatterer; 'bleid' - a wheedling (coaxing); (whee 'blaith' - plain, smooth; 'blath' - praise; flatter may be from 'flat'=to make smooth, appease, soothe, but the irish blath would seem to be connected with latin 'plaudo. perhaps flat/plaudo are from one root, the radical sense of which must be to extend, strain, stretch...DEFINITION: to SOOTH by praise, gratify self-love by praise or obsequiousness (servile, submissive)...there seems that there may be a hidden purpose(s) for which flattery is done ie. to obtain, thru flattery something for oneself?
i recognize myself as one who can easily fall into flattery in social situations? do i crave or need the approval or good estimation of men to feed my estimation of myself? maybe..my flesh is, in a way, making a veiled demand: YOU MUST LIKE ME! why? because i find it, for some reason, unacceptable, intolerable for you not to think well of me...(john 5.44, how can you believe, which receive honor one of another and seek not the honor that comETH from God only.)
PO why do i buffet my body? to make it my slave for the purpose of not being a hypocrite and causing You and Your children shame. (I corinthians 9.27, but i keep under (buffet) my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means when i have preached to others, i myself should be a castaway.
PO FIRST TIME HAND WASHING CLOTHES TODAY!! four woolen socks worn since november or so..on and off..especially in the house make about .5 gal of water dirty brown and now hang on the line downstairs
1. bucket with .5 gal of used dish washing water get socks throroughly wet.
2. flat saucer dish with handmade soap bar. rub the bottoms of socks on this.
3. plastic wash 'basin' under the kitchen faucet (since this time i have adopted this as a regular practice to capture any water coming out of the tap) rub the sock to create a bit of a lather and dip in bucket several times to sort of rinse and get more water to continue the rubbing and scrubbing. finally, take the sopping wet, sudsy sock and squeeze it out by hand over basin.
4. then, after running a very thin stream of water out of the faucet, i stop, rub and squeeze out sock. repeat this several times until sock seems squeeky clean and damp.
5. use about .5 gal new water...get the idea to start collecting water all the time by every means possible and save in 5 gal buckets for uses around the house and property. the first 5 gal has only the soapy dish water. this has any other water, even post cleaning water that is brown, to be used to water the garden and..who knows!
now i'm thinking i need to be on the watch for an old wringer that is still functional..or maybe i could make one...also am beginning to think about the usefulness of rain barrels. just kind of feeling my way toward a lifestyle that can function without outside help. current goal is to go under 375 gallons used per quarter (this is the base rate charge for water currently).
PO while cleaning a dirty bathroom mirror have a daydream of a guest being upset by this and ,when they comment on it, my response: 'what is your object? to see yourself? can you see yourself ok? yes. then don't worry about the dirt! (we are much more worried about other people's dirt (sins) than God is -IF THEY HAVE BEEN CLEANSED BY HIS BLOOD. if He can see Himself in us that's all that matters...unless we want to be able to heap gold, silver and precious stones at His feet..and that is not the concern of others but of the momentary choices we make each day of our life. He sure would like to have us cooperating actively with Him in taking the dirt out of our lives, but He doesn't ever condemn us like those around us do...sigh...if we could only recognize that the dirt of sin is all over everyone's life...including our own we'd be a lot more kind and compassionate and 'there' for each other just like He is there for us.
BI luke 21.25-6..portents will appear in sun, moon, and stars. on earth nations will stand helpless, not knowing which way to turn from the roar and surge of the sea; men will FAINT WITH TERROR at the thought of all that is coming upon the world..
below i copy, verbatim, a bit from this past weeks from my daily journal in which i write most. it starts with my, usually, early morning time of quietness before and talking with the Lord about whatever surfaces in His presence. then it proceeds to PO, which is short for poop - a name my father gave to a weekly sheet of paper in which he would record his daily doings and any other miscellaneous thots he thot important. he obviously was not cursed with my over verbosity. this sometimes edits out things by a ...
2.10
^= time up: at 4 a.m.
slept 6.75 hrs
M=meditate (thru 106 verses) 1 hr reaching as far as psalm 8 (in the psalms section) and romans 15 (in the general bible section) complete daily review of spanish verses currently being learned - one a week - for sunday school/ memorized I corinthians (current focus of memorization) 2.14
R= read .25 hr of the puritans by martyn lloyd-jones
PH= body: 3 hr/ run (this records the daily time it takes to shower, eat, dress and, three times a week, run)
PE= people (this section records different activities which are focused on/involve other people) 4.5.
6.33>HO (currently my mission is to work on 54, my house, 8 hr daily/40 weekly until i get another mission in seeking first Christ's kingdom (do what He wants, at any given time, done in the world in and through me) and His righteousness (discipline myself to understand, by His spirit and do (through much prayer, making to die what i want and do what His Spirit through the word dictates) what He is doing perfectly) note: the > symbol between '6.33' and HO (house) signals that i am straining at His discipline of keeping my nose currently to the grindstone in the thing (maintaining my house properly) which is among the things i most hate in life...i am NOT a householder but a rolling stone, a rambling man, a seeker of adventure and excitement especially in the work of evangelism and the doing of societal justice!
Q=quiet before the Lord/prayer/reading the bible (currently reading thru the spanish bible..up to leviticus 21 so far after maybe a year and a half) note: will pick up with the verbatim..any commentary here is in ( )..
..'the battle royal for the control and domination of my soul continues (unabated) who shall decide what i do, what i say, what i think? shall satan and the world system (which so casually excludes God from any serious consideration by their oppressive 'cultural mores' which dictate i do the same!) and mySELF? or shall i choose (consistently) to MAKE,haceis TO DIE,morir mySELF, shut myself off from satan and the world system and take up the cross You give each moment of each day to (ignore all else) and follow You (do death)? help me continually choose the latter. forgive me for GLUT last night. help me give myself consistently and unreservedly to You Lord..to do Your will...(intercede for others a while)..open Thou my lips to show forth Your praise..help me not to eat lunch and no cheese and no milk on oatmeal today..thank You for (a number of things)...thank You for Your goodness Lord!!!
PO thought comes to:
1. PRAY (and even talk 'out loud' about things i sense satan is tempting me on/in or weaknesses of my flesh..) EVERY TIME the slightest ..intimation about the thing desired (ie. i want to eat cheese, etc.) or the thing abhorred (ie. this a.m. going out at 4 a.m. in the bitter cold to run)
2. PRAY IN ADVANCE: the stronger the forbidden bad (cheese) or abhorrent good (run.. in accordance with 'the plan' which God currently seems to have in place) THE MORE POWERFUL OR OFTEN (the temptation 'to' or 'not to') THE LONGER IN ADVANCE.
3. PLAN EACH DAY, WITH PRAYER, THE NIGHT BEFORE (a current goal)
4. no matter how 'good' or 'bad' , 'desirable' or 'undesirable' the WORK before me (or behind!) FOCUS ON 1) the joy of labor (it is good!) 2) the desirability of contesting with and overcoming challenges and difficulty 3) the goal to do my very best for the glory of God (His good reputation in the minds of people) and not my own 4) the understanding that whatever i do has significance for eternal loss or gain..so understanding to, with prayer, seek to do it as to/for the Lord. 5) the comfort and confident expectation that, in accordance not with why and for whom it is done, i will receive in accordance with the accumulation of good, in God's eyes, works don, rewards far beyond my current understanding. (JOY=YOU ARE ENOUGH LORD..everything for You)..SO WORK, for the night is coming when no man can work.
5. SOCIAL engagements. 1)have a definite time established (from..to) beforehand. 2)limit focus to spiritual goals 3)seek to open your mouth increasingly only to reflect upon or speak of Your glory. 4) don't speak much unless spoken to 5) don't speak at all of yourself and, if asked any thing, give the shortest satisfactory answer possible (no monologues) 6) seek to serve, and make yourself useful and helpful and encouraging (search out ways; read the 'book' of each life and respond appropriate to help and blessing. 7)don't flatter (build up anyone for...ask:what is the motivation of this? fear of men or seeking their honor?) 8)speak consonant with truth always...and always in love.
FLATTER (webster) french 'flatter'; irish 'bladaire' - flatterer; 'bleid' - a wheedling (coaxing); (whee 'blaith' - plain, smooth; 'blath' - praise; flatter may be from 'flat'=to make smooth, appease, soothe, but the irish blath would seem to be connected with latin 'plaudo. perhaps flat/plaudo are from one root, the radical sense of which must be to extend, strain, stretch...DEFINITION: to SOOTH by praise, gratify self-love by praise or obsequiousness (servile, submissive)...there seems that there may be a hidden purpose(s) for which flattery is done ie. to obtain, thru flattery something for oneself?
i recognize myself as one who can easily fall into flattery in social situations? do i crave or need the approval or good estimation of men to feed my estimation of myself? maybe..my flesh is, in a way, making a veiled demand: YOU MUST LIKE ME! why? because i find it, for some reason, unacceptable, intolerable for you not to think well of me...(john 5.44, how can you believe, which receive honor one of another and seek not the honor that comETH from God only.)
PO why do i buffet my body? to make it my slave for the purpose of not being a hypocrite and causing You and Your children shame. (I corinthians 9.27, but i keep under (buffet) my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means when i have preached to others, i myself should be a castaway.
PO FIRST TIME HAND WASHING CLOTHES TODAY!! four woolen socks worn since november or so..on and off..especially in the house make about .5 gal of water dirty brown and now hang on the line downstairs
1. bucket with .5 gal of used dish washing water get socks throroughly wet.
2. flat saucer dish with handmade soap bar. rub the bottoms of socks on this.
3. plastic wash 'basin' under the kitchen faucet (since this time i have adopted this as a regular practice to capture any water coming out of the tap) rub the sock to create a bit of a lather and dip in bucket several times to sort of rinse and get more water to continue the rubbing and scrubbing. finally, take the sopping wet, sudsy sock and squeeze it out by hand over basin.
4. then, after running a very thin stream of water out of the faucet, i stop, rub and squeeze out sock. repeat this several times until sock seems squeeky clean and damp.
5. use about .5 gal new water...get the idea to start collecting water all the time by every means possible and save in 5 gal buckets for uses around the house and property. the first 5 gal has only the soapy dish water. this has any other water, even post cleaning water that is brown, to be used to water the garden and..who knows!
now i'm thinking i need to be on the watch for an old wringer that is still functional..or maybe i could make one...also am beginning to think about the usefulness of rain barrels. just kind of feeling my way toward a lifestyle that can function without outside help. current goal is to go under 375 gallons used per quarter (this is the base rate charge for water currently).
PO while cleaning a dirty bathroom mirror have a daydream of a guest being upset by this and ,when they comment on it, my response: 'what is your object? to see yourself? can you see yourself ok? yes. then don't worry about the dirt! (we are much more worried about other people's dirt (sins) than God is -IF THEY HAVE BEEN CLEANSED BY HIS BLOOD. if He can see Himself in us that's all that matters...unless we want to be able to heap gold, silver and precious stones at His feet..and that is not the concern of others but of the momentary choices we make each day of our life. He sure would like to have us cooperating actively with Him in taking the dirt out of our lives, but He doesn't ever condemn us like those around us do...sigh...if we could only recognize that the dirt of sin is all over everyone's life...including our own we'd be a lot more kind and compassionate and 'there' for each other just like He is there for us.
BI luke 21.25-6..portents will appear in sun, moon, and stars. on earth nations will stand helpless, not knowing which way to turn from the roar and surge of the sea; men will FAINT WITH TERROR at the thought of all that is coming upon the world..
Thursday, February 10, 2011
2.10.2010 LAST YEAR
2010 did not turn out quite as envisioned. the only thing that happened that i was thinking would happen is that by about november 18th i worked the last official hour as a 'professional painter' and noiselessly carried me into what is often called retirement, the end of gainful employment. what once i dreaded and feared happened. there has not been any conscious angst but indications that i am not yet at rest. one rather bizarre on was that in the last three months leading up to this i ate 55 quarts of ice cream. i know...gross. but that is who i am apart from the imputed righteousness of Christ...just another selfish pig desperately in need of a savior. i can't believe how He loves me. He is much more gentle and patient with me than i am with others...oh may He bring me to keep His commandments so that He can tell i love Him...
anyway, the year included a number of situations where i gave of my time, usually as a painter. as a result it was largely a very busy year. these situations took up almost 30 hours a week for the year. so with the ten gainful, i almost worked 40 hours every week last year... not nearly what i expected. 54 ended up getting about 12 hours a week. it was pegged to get 30.
spiritually and socially the year was difficult. God in various ways has definitely put me in isolation with very little genuine spiritual fellowship. i've started to talk to myself out loud a good bit more. this started out as a better way to review what i have memorized from the bible and to learn new. then it went to prayer, especially around the empty house. (both room renters left, one at the beginning of september, the other at the beginning of october.) lately i have noticed i tend to turn on kyw more, usually to catch the sports at the quarter hour or the weather and then tending to keep it on! yikes, what is happening to me. :) i have been able to trim that away again. but yea, it is beastly lonely at times. but God is so good. He constantly is bringing all kinds of difficult things into my life to purify my faith. He has, since leaving leidy church about 18 months ago...and a bit, maybe a year, before that, been providing a template upon with to build and toughen me spiritually...i think..i hope, by His grace..we'll see. but isolation has been a real part of that.
the spanish speaking people i worship with have reached out to me about as much as i have to them. i don't want to be speaking english in the building and so am really limited. but recently my ear is getting a lot more of the meaning of what is spoken and i am, sometimes to my amazement, quite fluent of expression..especially when praying in spanish and in talking within myself about spiritual things. it's good! i enjoy it and keep praying that God will enable me to use it in some way for Him. it is the same in this area. i am thriving inwardly and privately while largely barren in an outward public context.
i love reading the spanish bible every morning and am now at leviticus 21. the Lord has spoken to me powerfully many times through this. one of the most recent was in memorizing romanos 8.13 (i memorize the verso clave - key verse - for the sunday school lesson each week. this one reads, 'porque si vivis conforme a la carne, morireis. mas si por el espiritu haceis morir las obras de la carne, vivireis'. word for word translation is ' because if you are living according to the flesh (our self nature) you will die. but if by the Spirit you may make to die the works (or deeds) of the flesh, you will live' . i cannot get the words haceis morir out of my spirit. the way the spanish translates there is so powerful and helps me practically so much in the constant warfare between my continuing old selfish nature and the nature of Christ that is now within me. when that wicked desire rears its ugly head and seems so powerful and intractable those two ('make to die' in english) words the Spirit brings again and again showing me the way: kill what is going on in you right now. don't stop praying for My help and declaring that you 'will not' or 'will' do x, whatever the case may be and thus make the evil desire die...wow. it's powerful. and that has happened any number of times. wonderful good stuff.
eating has been exquisite having eaten a huge salad from the garden for months ending a few days from the end of the year. i want to build on that...but yes God has been so good in this area. my budget for food slipped another $7 a week to near $40. my goal for next year is in the $30-35 range but there is only so much progress possible unless i start moving into making some of the food i buy and that just isn't a possiblity to me now. we will see.
i had some big trials last year relating to people and painting. a lot of lessons were given. i hope i am learning, but i seem to be very stubborn and obstinate in the flesh. in that case God turns right around and brings the same lesson back again. the thing that He dealt with more than any other is my spontaneous, freewheeling nature of jumping at things and committing myself to things. God is loudly and clearly saying something to the effect that i am not my own but His and i have no right to do as i please with my time. my time is His. lesson in short: don't say 'yes' to anything without first consulting with Me. i suffered a good bit from having to try and learn that again and again in 2010. i am waiting for the next test for i did not learn it last year.
the most extreme challenge spiritually was how the Lord clearly led me to continue helping a certain individual with his house in philly.
1. he did not have the house ready to paint which caused me endless hours of extra work..for which i got 'kicked off' the job on three separate occasions.
2. he did not pay me several thousands of dollars until i actually called and got angry with him over the phone. (i so doing, like moses striking the rock instead of speaking to it like God told him, i broke a code that i was led to hold: never ask for $ that is not paid, just accept the loss. so that meant more difficulty on that score...one i still am experiencing. hopefully i will keep code.) 3. because he made rash, uninformed decisions of various sorts i had to repaint the entire house...and then to keep fixing areas where other workers had damaged wall or trim and redo again..sometimes several times in the same areas.
4. i got several traffic tickets (i can't remember when last i had one..years ago amounting to over $100.
5. i was never paid for hundreds of dollars of supplies i had purchased to do the job.
6. i was unable to recoup tolls amounting to over $60 or any time or any travel time although i put about 2000 miles on the car.
7....and when i was kicked off the last time in early november (i started there in june) the Lord clearly led me to call and offer to finish the job off the clock. all in all i put between 1 and 200 hours in unpaid.
8. when i finished painting the Lord once again clearly called me back to help get the house to where it could finally receive an occupancy permit.
9. one night the house was burglarized several hours after i left and although 100s of dollars of equipment was stolen, nothing was missing from my supplies.
10. one night at 10 i came out to go home and the battery was dead. after canvassing the neighborhood and no one could help i went to sleep on the floor and the next morning, miraculously the individual showed and jumped my car and i drove home! there is more but i can't share that.
11. one particularly grinding 15 hour no-pay day when i was really working hard to try and finish the painting this individual was largely walking around and talking with other people...at that time the reality of what a slave must feel like who is powerless to even have the simplest form of justice...the tang of that bitter reality came into my soul. from another side i realized the distance that needs to still be traveled between where i am as a 'slave' of God to where a true slave of God lives. it was good for me to see this and to have a tiny opportunity to experience a tiny bit of what real slavery must be like.
12. the most trying was that when i got feeling a bit spiritual, the Lord spoke to me about the verse in romans 12 that says to show mercy with hilarity. that was a struggle. i was very cocky about the mercy part. i was utterly incapable of doing the hilarity. i'm sure i'll be given more practice.
i left that house for the last time late on christmas eve and God, almost as a special gift, had me, very uncharacteristically, tune in xtu and thrilled my spirit all the way home with the most amazing string of disparate but absolutely riveting christmas music i have heard in all my life. it was so good that i somehow was able to call it up on my very broken equipment at home (found a hanger to serve as an antenna to bring it in!) and listened intently and enraptured until the progam was over at 1 a.m. and fell contentedly and blissfully in bed. what a wonder He is!
finally, and i need to stop with this, when i started my paint business i felt a clear leading to put $1000 a month away in savings. i never would have believed that that would carry all the way through even the 10 hour a week year in 2010. God's amazing grace. how could He do it inspite of all the problems along the way. when 2010 ended with taxes paid i had slightly over $48,000 saved. He's trying to convince me that i can trust Him. may He bring me to 'seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and see Him provide my needs. He is worthy of all my praise..
anyway, the year included a number of situations where i gave of my time, usually as a painter. as a result it was largely a very busy year. these situations took up almost 30 hours a week for the year. so with the ten gainful, i almost worked 40 hours every week last year... not nearly what i expected. 54 ended up getting about 12 hours a week. it was pegged to get 30.
spiritually and socially the year was difficult. God in various ways has definitely put me in isolation with very little genuine spiritual fellowship. i've started to talk to myself out loud a good bit more. this started out as a better way to review what i have memorized from the bible and to learn new. then it went to prayer, especially around the empty house. (both room renters left, one at the beginning of september, the other at the beginning of october.) lately i have noticed i tend to turn on kyw more, usually to catch the sports at the quarter hour or the weather and then tending to keep it on! yikes, what is happening to me. :) i have been able to trim that away again. but yea, it is beastly lonely at times. but God is so good. He constantly is bringing all kinds of difficult things into my life to purify my faith. He has, since leaving leidy church about 18 months ago...and a bit, maybe a year, before that, been providing a template upon with to build and toughen me spiritually...i think..i hope, by His grace..we'll see. but isolation has been a real part of that.
the spanish speaking people i worship with have reached out to me about as much as i have to them. i don't want to be speaking english in the building and so am really limited. but recently my ear is getting a lot more of the meaning of what is spoken and i am, sometimes to my amazement, quite fluent of expression..especially when praying in spanish and in talking within myself about spiritual things. it's good! i enjoy it and keep praying that God will enable me to use it in some way for Him. it is the same in this area. i am thriving inwardly and privately while largely barren in an outward public context.
i love reading the spanish bible every morning and am now at leviticus 21. the Lord has spoken to me powerfully many times through this. one of the most recent was in memorizing romanos 8.13 (i memorize the verso clave - key verse - for the sunday school lesson each week. this one reads, 'porque si vivis conforme a la carne, morireis. mas si por el espiritu haceis morir las obras de la carne, vivireis'. word for word translation is ' because if you are living according to the flesh (our self nature) you will die. but if by the Spirit you may make to die the works (or deeds) of the flesh, you will live' . i cannot get the words haceis morir out of my spirit. the way the spanish translates there is so powerful and helps me practically so much in the constant warfare between my continuing old selfish nature and the nature of Christ that is now within me. when that wicked desire rears its ugly head and seems so powerful and intractable those two ('make to die' in english) words the Spirit brings again and again showing me the way: kill what is going on in you right now. don't stop praying for My help and declaring that you 'will not' or 'will' do x, whatever the case may be and thus make the evil desire die...wow. it's powerful. and that has happened any number of times. wonderful good stuff.
eating has been exquisite having eaten a huge salad from the garden for months ending a few days from the end of the year. i want to build on that...but yes God has been so good in this area. my budget for food slipped another $7 a week to near $40. my goal for next year is in the $30-35 range but there is only so much progress possible unless i start moving into making some of the food i buy and that just isn't a possiblity to me now. we will see.
i had some big trials last year relating to people and painting. a lot of lessons were given. i hope i am learning, but i seem to be very stubborn and obstinate in the flesh. in that case God turns right around and brings the same lesson back again. the thing that He dealt with more than any other is my spontaneous, freewheeling nature of jumping at things and committing myself to things. God is loudly and clearly saying something to the effect that i am not my own but His and i have no right to do as i please with my time. my time is His. lesson in short: don't say 'yes' to anything without first consulting with Me. i suffered a good bit from having to try and learn that again and again in 2010. i am waiting for the next test for i did not learn it last year.
the most extreme challenge spiritually was how the Lord clearly led me to continue helping a certain individual with his house in philly.
1. he did not have the house ready to paint which caused me endless hours of extra work..for which i got 'kicked off' the job on three separate occasions.
2. he did not pay me several thousands of dollars until i actually called and got angry with him over the phone. (i so doing, like moses striking the rock instead of speaking to it like God told him, i broke a code that i was led to hold: never ask for $ that is not paid, just accept the loss. so that meant more difficulty on that score...one i still am experiencing. hopefully i will keep code.) 3. because he made rash, uninformed decisions of various sorts i had to repaint the entire house...and then to keep fixing areas where other workers had damaged wall or trim and redo again..sometimes several times in the same areas.
4. i got several traffic tickets (i can't remember when last i had one..years ago amounting to over $100.
5. i was never paid for hundreds of dollars of supplies i had purchased to do the job.
6. i was unable to recoup tolls amounting to over $60 or any time or any travel time although i put about 2000 miles on the car.
7....and when i was kicked off the last time in early november (i started there in june) the Lord clearly led me to call and offer to finish the job off the clock. all in all i put between 1 and 200 hours in unpaid.
8. when i finished painting the Lord once again clearly called me back to help get the house to where it could finally receive an occupancy permit.
9. one night the house was burglarized several hours after i left and although 100s of dollars of equipment was stolen, nothing was missing from my supplies.
10. one night at 10 i came out to go home and the battery was dead. after canvassing the neighborhood and no one could help i went to sleep on the floor and the next morning, miraculously the individual showed and jumped my car and i drove home! there is more but i can't share that.
11. one particularly grinding 15 hour no-pay day when i was really working hard to try and finish the painting this individual was largely walking around and talking with other people...at that time the reality of what a slave must feel like who is powerless to even have the simplest form of justice...the tang of that bitter reality came into my soul. from another side i realized the distance that needs to still be traveled between where i am as a 'slave' of God to where a true slave of God lives. it was good for me to see this and to have a tiny opportunity to experience a tiny bit of what real slavery must be like.
12. the most trying was that when i got feeling a bit spiritual, the Lord spoke to me about the verse in romans 12 that says to show mercy with hilarity. that was a struggle. i was very cocky about the mercy part. i was utterly incapable of doing the hilarity. i'm sure i'll be given more practice.
i left that house for the last time late on christmas eve and God, almost as a special gift, had me, very uncharacteristically, tune in xtu and thrilled my spirit all the way home with the most amazing string of disparate but absolutely riveting christmas music i have heard in all my life. it was so good that i somehow was able to call it up on my very broken equipment at home (found a hanger to serve as an antenna to bring it in!) and listened intently and enraptured until the progam was over at 1 a.m. and fell contentedly and blissfully in bed. what a wonder He is!
finally, and i need to stop with this, when i started my paint business i felt a clear leading to put $1000 a month away in savings. i never would have believed that that would carry all the way through even the 10 hour a week year in 2010. God's amazing grace. how could He do it inspite of all the problems along the way. when 2010 ended with taxes paid i had slightly over $48,000 saved. He's trying to convince me that i can trust Him. may He bring me to 'seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and see Him provide my needs. He is worthy of all my praise..
Sunday, February 6, 2011
2.10.2010 REVOLUTION
days of rage by mindy belz, worldmag, 2.12.2011, p.7f..in tunisia they began on a friday in december and lasted a month before prime minister zine al-abidine ben ali, who declared himself president in 1987, was forced to flee the country. in egypt they began on a tuesday, and despite a government crackdown appeared unstoppable leading into friday prayers jan. 28. in lebanon protesters took to the streets that same tuesday, and in yemen, a thursday marked the beginning of massive street demonstrations.
across the middle east, 'days of rage' featuring large-scale street protest movements are threatening the downfall of long standing governments - and key u.s. allies. what they have in common is new: fomented not by organized radical opposition, they are instead the work of disparate discontents, many under 390, who have learned how to mobilize fellow discontents they may not even know. that means movements united by cause - and thereby perhaps stronger - but lacking leadership - and thereby unstable.
'the reality is, there is no such thing as a twitter revolution, this is just what revolutions look like now', said jared cohen, who worked for the state department under the bush and obama administrations before becoming director of google ideas last year and an adjunct fellow at the council on foreign relations. cohen spoke to journalists by conference call as cairo street demonstrations already were unfolding: 'throughout history, whenever you have had a revolution, a smart movement uses smart tools'.
here's how cohen says social technology like twitter and facebook are driving days of rage:
1. serve as accelerants. volunteers inside and outside the country can post and disseminate information, not dependent on physical organization under a repressive regime.
2.turn individuals into journalists. twitpics and videos drive maninstream media to focus on countries they might otherwise consider off-radar - like moldova in 2009 or tunisia in dec. 2010.
3. create space for unlikely leaders. revolutions are no longer about 'the person who takes the bullet' or the local figure who organized (lech walesa, poland). you don't even necessarily need a central leader. but if there isn't one, then the challenge comes when protests end and governing must begin.
4. provide a window for others in the region. social technology tends to sustain coverage after the tv cameras leave, and that can foster accountability and provide a real-time template for others to copy.
those characteristics add up to a fast moving challenge for the obama administration. will it risk siding with mob rule, or with known, if repressive, allies? egypt's president hosni mubarak has acted as a u.s. bulwark in the region against radical islamic groups, yet it's clear from january protests that more than radicals want his ouster; protesters, according to an eyewitness, included women with babies, young, old, muslims and christians.
as protests endure, they tend to collect organized opponents - in egypt, the radical muslim brotherhood vowed jan. 27 to join, then mohamed elbaradei, the former head of the international atomic energy agency and a nobel peace prize winner, pledged his support as a moderate opposition figure.
yet the obama administration has lacked a forceful, or clear, response. on a tour of arab countries secretary of state hillary clinton warned leaders against 'sinking in the sand': 'those who cling to the status quo may be able to hold back the full impact of their countries' problems for a little while, but not forever'. president obama sided with the street in his state of the union: 'the u.s. stands with the people of tunisia and all people striving for democracy'.
analysts like cohen warn that it's imperative for the administration to read the opposition well. and elbaradei issued a stronger warning; 'i am pretty sure that any freely and fairly elected government in egypt will be a moderate one, but america is really pushing egypt and pushing the whole arab world into radicalization with this inept policy of supporting oppression.
across the middle east, 'days of rage' featuring large-scale street protest movements are threatening the downfall of long standing governments - and key u.s. allies. what they have in common is new: fomented not by organized radical opposition, they are instead the work of disparate discontents, many under 390, who have learned how to mobilize fellow discontents they may not even know. that means movements united by cause - and thereby perhaps stronger - but lacking leadership - and thereby unstable.
'the reality is, there is no such thing as a twitter revolution, this is just what revolutions look like now', said jared cohen, who worked for the state department under the bush and obama administrations before becoming director of google ideas last year and an adjunct fellow at the council on foreign relations. cohen spoke to journalists by conference call as cairo street demonstrations already were unfolding: 'throughout history, whenever you have had a revolution, a smart movement uses smart tools'.
here's how cohen says social technology like twitter and facebook are driving days of rage:
1. serve as accelerants. volunteers inside and outside the country can post and disseminate information, not dependent on physical organization under a repressive regime.
2.turn individuals into journalists. twitpics and videos drive maninstream media to focus on countries they might otherwise consider off-radar - like moldova in 2009 or tunisia in dec. 2010.
3. create space for unlikely leaders. revolutions are no longer about 'the person who takes the bullet' or the local figure who organized (lech walesa, poland). you don't even necessarily need a central leader. but if there isn't one, then the challenge comes when protests end and governing must begin.
4. provide a window for others in the region. social technology tends to sustain coverage after the tv cameras leave, and that can foster accountability and provide a real-time template for others to copy.
those characteristics add up to a fast moving challenge for the obama administration. will it risk siding with mob rule, or with known, if repressive, allies? egypt's president hosni mubarak has acted as a u.s. bulwark in the region against radical islamic groups, yet it's clear from january protests that more than radicals want his ouster; protesters, according to an eyewitness, included women with babies, young, old, muslims and christians.
as protests endure, they tend to collect organized opponents - in egypt, the radical muslim brotherhood vowed jan. 27 to join, then mohamed elbaradei, the former head of the international atomic energy agency and a nobel peace prize winner, pledged his support as a moderate opposition figure.
yet the obama administration has lacked a forceful, or clear, response. on a tour of arab countries secretary of state hillary clinton warned leaders against 'sinking in the sand': 'those who cling to the status quo may be able to hold back the full impact of their countries' problems for a little while, but not forever'. president obama sided with the street in his state of the union: 'the u.s. stands with the people of tunisia and all people striving for democracy'.
analysts like cohen warn that it's imperative for the administration to read the opposition well. and elbaradei issued a stronger warning; 'i am pretty sure that any freely and fairly elected government in egypt will be a moderate one, but america is really pushing egypt and pushing the whole arab world into radicalization with this inept policy of supporting oppression.
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