..as one of the coreligionists at mision says, rather perceptively i think, esteban is a scribe. i do write alot. i have even cried out to God to set me free from this very strong propensity and which, combined with my like propensity for exactness and ,what i'll call for want of a better word, minutia (!!!) is - how shall i describe it all - a somewhat warm and beloved albatross around the neck of my daily existence. sigh..so i keep pleading for the Lord to free me...if this is not what he wants. it is very powerful and so often, the words just keep flowing and flowing until some inner something is satisfied.
below i copy, verbatim, a bit from this past weeks from my daily journal in which i write most. it starts with my, usually, early morning time of quietness before and talking with the Lord about whatever surfaces in His presence. then it proceeds to PO, which is short for poop - a name my father gave to a weekly sheet of paper in which he would record his daily doings and any other miscellaneous thots he thot important. he obviously was not cursed with my over verbosity. this sometimes edits out things by a ...
2.10
^= time up: at 4 a.m.
slept 6.75 hrs
M=meditate (thru 106 verses) 1 hr reaching as far as psalm 8 (in the psalms section) and romans 15 (in the general bible section) complete daily review of spanish verses currently being learned - one a week - for sunday school/ memorized I corinthians (current focus of memorization) 2.14
R= read .25 hr of the puritans by martyn lloyd-jones
PH= body: 3 hr/ run (this records the daily time it takes to shower, eat, dress and, three times a week, run)
PE= people (this section records different activities which are focused on/involve other people) 4.5.
6.33>HO (currently my mission is to work on 54, my house, 8 hr daily/40 weekly until i get another mission in seeking first Christ's kingdom (do what He wants, at any given time, done in the world in and through me) and His righteousness (discipline myself to understand, by His spirit and do (through much prayer, making to die what i want and do what His Spirit through the word dictates) what He is doing perfectly) note: the > symbol between '6.33' and HO (house) signals that i am straining at His discipline of keeping my nose currently to the grindstone in the thing (maintaining my house properly) which is among the things i most hate in life...i am NOT a householder but a rolling stone, a rambling man, a seeker of adventure and excitement especially in the work of evangelism and the doing of societal justice!
Q=quiet before the Lord/prayer/reading the bible (currently reading thru the spanish bible..up to leviticus 21 so far after maybe a year and a half) note: will pick up with the verbatim..any commentary here is in ( )..
..'the battle royal for the control and domination of my soul continues (unabated) who shall decide what i do, what i say, what i think? shall satan and the world system (which so casually excludes God from any serious consideration by their oppressive 'cultural mores' which dictate i do the same!) and mySELF? or shall i choose (consistently) to MAKE,haceis TO DIE,morir mySELF, shut myself off from satan and the world system and take up the cross You give each moment of each day to (ignore all else) and follow You (do death)? help me continually choose the latter. forgive me for GLUT last night. help me give myself consistently and unreservedly to You Lord..to do Your will...(intercede for others a while)..open Thou my lips to show forth Your praise..help me not to eat lunch and no cheese and no milk on oatmeal today..thank You for (a number of things)...thank You for Your goodness Lord!!!
PO thought comes to:
1. PRAY (and even talk 'out loud' about things i sense satan is tempting me on/in or weaknesses of my flesh..) EVERY TIME the slightest ..intimation about the thing desired (ie. i want to eat cheese, etc.) or the thing abhorred (ie. this a.m. going out at 4 a.m. in the bitter cold to run)
2. PRAY IN ADVANCE: the stronger the forbidden bad (cheese) or abhorrent good (run.. in accordance with 'the plan' which God currently seems to have in place) THE MORE POWERFUL OR OFTEN (the temptation 'to' or 'not to') THE LONGER IN ADVANCE.
3. PLAN EACH DAY, WITH PRAYER, THE NIGHT BEFORE (a current goal)
4. no matter how 'good' or 'bad' , 'desirable' or 'undesirable' the WORK before me (or behind!) FOCUS ON 1) the joy of labor (it is good!) 2) the desirability of contesting with and overcoming challenges and difficulty 3) the goal to do my very best for the glory of God (His good reputation in the minds of people) and not my own 4) the understanding that whatever i do has significance for eternal loss or gain..so understanding to, with prayer, seek to do it as to/for the Lord. 5) the comfort and confident expectation that, in accordance not with why and for whom it is done, i will receive in accordance with the accumulation of good, in God's eyes, works don, rewards far beyond my current understanding. (JOY=YOU ARE ENOUGH LORD..everything for You)..SO WORK, for the night is coming when no man can work.
5. SOCIAL engagements. 1)have a definite time established (from..to) beforehand. 2)limit focus to spiritual goals 3)seek to open your mouth increasingly only to reflect upon or speak of Your glory. 4) don't speak much unless spoken to 5) don't speak at all of yourself and, if asked any thing, give the shortest satisfactory answer possible (no monologues) 6) seek to serve, and make yourself useful and helpful and encouraging (search out ways; read the 'book' of each life and respond appropriate to help and blessing. 7)don't flatter (build up anyone for...ask:what is the motivation of this? fear of men or seeking their honor?) 8)speak consonant with truth always...and always in love.
FLATTER (webster) french 'flatter'; irish 'bladaire' - flatterer; 'bleid' - a wheedling (coaxing); (whee 'blaith' - plain, smooth; 'blath' - praise; flatter may be from 'flat'=to make smooth, appease, soothe, but the irish blath would seem to be connected with latin 'plaudo. perhaps flat/plaudo are from one root, the radical sense of which must be to extend, strain, stretch...DEFINITION: to SOOTH by praise, gratify self-love by praise or obsequiousness (servile, submissive)...there seems that there may be a hidden purpose(s) for which flattery is done ie. to obtain, thru flattery something for oneself?
i recognize myself as one who can easily fall into flattery in social situations? do i crave or need the approval or good estimation of men to feed my estimation of myself? maybe..my flesh is, in a way, making a veiled demand: YOU MUST LIKE ME! why? because i find it, for some reason, unacceptable, intolerable for you not to think well of me...(john 5.44, how can you believe, which receive honor one of another and seek not the honor that comETH from God only.)
PO why do i buffet my body? to make it my slave for the purpose of not being a hypocrite and causing You and Your children shame. (I corinthians 9.27, but i keep under (buffet) my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means when i have preached to others, i myself should be a castaway.
PO FIRST TIME HAND WASHING CLOTHES TODAY!! four woolen socks worn since november or so..on and off..especially in the house make about .5 gal of water dirty brown and now hang on the line downstairs
1. bucket with .5 gal of used dish washing water get socks throroughly wet.
2. flat saucer dish with handmade soap bar. rub the bottoms of socks on this.
3. plastic wash 'basin' under the kitchen faucet (since this time i have adopted this as a regular practice to capture any water coming out of the tap) rub the sock to create a bit of a lather and dip in bucket several times to sort of rinse and get more water to continue the rubbing and scrubbing. finally, take the sopping wet, sudsy sock and squeeze it out by hand over basin.
4. then, after running a very thin stream of water out of the faucet, i stop, rub and squeeze out sock. repeat this several times until sock seems squeeky clean and damp.
5. use about .5 gal new water...get the idea to start collecting water all the time by every means possible and save in 5 gal buckets for uses around the house and property. the first 5 gal has only the soapy dish water. this has any other water, even post cleaning water that is brown, to be used to water the garden and..who knows!
now i'm thinking i need to be on the watch for an old wringer that is still functional..or maybe i could make one...also am beginning to think about the usefulness of rain barrels. just kind of feeling my way toward a lifestyle that can function without outside help. current goal is to go under 375 gallons used per quarter (this is the base rate charge for water currently).
PO while cleaning a dirty bathroom mirror have a daydream of a guest being upset by this and ,when they comment on it, my response: 'what is your object? to see yourself? can you see yourself ok? yes. then don't worry about the dirt! (we are much more worried about other people's dirt (sins) than God is -IF THEY HAVE BEEN CLEANSED BY HIS BLOOD. if He can see Himself in us that's all that matters...unless we want to be able to heap gold, silver and precious stones at His feet..and that is not the concern of others but of the momentary choices we make each day of our life. He sure would like to have us cooperating actively with Him in taking the dirt out of our lives, but He doesn't ever condemn us like those around us do...sigh...if we could only recognize that the dirt of sin is all over everyone's life...including our own we'd be a lot more kind and compassionate and 'there' for each other just like He is there for us.
BI luke 21.25-6..portents will appear in sun, moon, and stars. on earth nations will stand helpless, not knowing which way to turn from the roar and surge of the sea; men will FAINT WITH TERROR at the thought of all that is coming upon the world..
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