this a.m. woke to the general pain and nausea, in spirit, of being battered about the head. my old friend is starting out early today. what do i do? dare not think but go back to the direction book. oh yea, SUBMIT..to God. RESIST the devil and he will flee from you. so i start fighting. 'Lord help me'. the groundfire of, i'll call them ungodly, negative thoughts continues and intensifies. 'Lord help me' comes again and again. not able for more articulation right now. what's first? get the tea water going...pick up where meditation stopped..happens to be psalm 33 today. start reading...mechanically..calling on the Name..numb..dumb. the words start to fight their way thru the haze and take form in the mind:
SING FOR JOY in the Lord, O you righteous ones (yea that's me, i got none myself but YES thank You Lord for the alien righteousness of Christ. i can sing for joy this morning)
PRAISE IS BECOMING to the upright. (thank You Lord once again! i do all kinds of wrong but when i come back! You forgive and cleanse...yea, amazingly, i'm upright...i can, and do! praise!!)
SING PRAISES TO HIM...
(by this point my numb, dead soul is beginning to come alive again, for the trillionth (dunno how many!) time and i am able to enter into what the Spirit is breathing into me off the page..)
SING to Him A NEW SONG (oh Lord, how precious You are! everything in this world apart from You becomes more and more dead, atrophied, death-dealing..You are the only one who remains continually fresh and new..Life itself!)
and so on. and now He starts giving reasons for all the above:
1. FOR THE WORD OF THE LORD IS UPRIGHT (He is and does right.)
2. ALL HIS WORK IS DONE IN FAITHFULNESS (He can be trusted.)
3. HE LOVES RIGHTEOUSNESS AND JUDGEMENT (He is fair and impartial)
4. THE EARTH IS FULL OF THE LOVINGKINDNESS OF THE LORD ( He does not give me what i deserve.)
5. BY THE WORD OF THE LORD (EVERYTHING WAS) MADE (He provides my needs.)
...at this point 2 commands: fear Him, stand in awe of Him
6. HE NULLIFIES..FRUSTRATES THE PLANS OF THE PEOPLES (i can relax.)
7. THE COUNSEL OF THE LORD STANDS FOREVER..THE PLANS OF HIS HEART FROM
GENERATION TO GENERATION. (He directs things to the ends He choses.)
8. BLESSED IS THE NATION WHOSE GOD IS THE LORD (He will bless if i obey.)
9. THE LORD LOOKS FROM HEAVEN
HE SEES ALL THE SONS OF MEN..
HE..FASHIONS THE HEARTS OF..ALL,
HE ..UNDERSTANDS ALL THEIR WORKS. (i hide nothing from Him.)
10. THE KING IS NOT SAVED BY A MIGHTY ARMY
A WARRIOR IS NOT DELIVERED BY GREAT STRENGTH
A HORSE IS A FALSE HOPE FOR VICTORY ( i have no other help but the Lord)
OUR SOUL WAITS FOR THE LORD (He is my help and my shield)
OUR HEART REJOICES IN HIM (because i trust in His holy name)
LET THY LOVINGKINDNESS, O LORD, BE UPON US, according as we (i!) have hoped in Thee amen!
at this point i began to think of the verse 'THEY LOOKED unto Him and WERE LIGHTENED and their faces WERE NOT ASHAMED'. that's the way i was by this point only my reality seemed to be more 'the Lord lifted my chin so i could look unto Him... but, again, no...i had looked unto Him by getting into the word. oh help me Lord to keep looking at You.
i got to wondering what it meant to be ashamed. webster seemed to bring out three basic nubs of meaning to the word:
1. a painful sensation..consciousness of guilt
2. cause or reason of shame, that which brings reproach or degrades one in the estimation of others.
3. parts which modesty requires to be covered
so it seemed to me that there is no shame, in the proper sense of the word, if there is no one looking on and disapproving! what a wonderful thought. if i care nothing for and have no fear of the disapproval of men but rather keep coming back sorrowing..desiring only the only One who truly, faithfully, eternally loves me, however many, myriads of times it may be, i can be assured of one thing I STAND FOREVER UNASHAMED IN HIS SIGHT (I john 1.9). hallelujah what a savior.
when i looked around all the darkness, the tormenting thoughts were all washed away..
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