10.24.2012 ALLENDER ON BOLD LOVE

taken from allender's 'wounded heart' 213f..

the answer to what makes love possible is surprisingly simple: the love of God and the fear of God.

...the cross confuses us when we are certain that cruelty rules the world. it unnerves us when we see no proof of a caring God who is in control of this universe. the cross does not directly deal with the question of
'why me?
but it sets the stage for a response to an entirely different question:
'am i loved?

the cross is the proof of the everlasting, sacrificial love of god, but it is more; it is also the evidence of the wrath of God against sin. God is enraged over sin. He is deadly serious about not letting His own creation succumb to its ravages. he is so serious as to place the wages of sin on the perfect adam, the second man, as a perfect atonement for human rebellion. the lamb of God took the righteous judgment we deserved. the Gather poured out His wrath on His own Son, who endured the shame of the cross for the joy that was set before Him. hebrews 12.2

love is essentially a movement of grace to embrace those who have sinned against us. matthew5.43-8 it is the offer of restoration to those who have done harm, for the purpose of destroying evil and enhancing life. love can be defined as the free gift that voluntarily cancels the debt in order to free the debtor to become what he might be if he experiences the joy of restoration.

..for many abuse victims restoration is the most difficult element in forgiveness. one abuse woman told me,
'i am willing to love him, but don't ever ask me to want to be with him. i can't imagine ever seeing him in this life, and the thought that i might have to spend eternity with him sounds more like hell than heaven.

a victim will not hunger for restoration until the obstacles of deadness, mistrust and the hatred of passion are removed.
once the disastrous effects of powerlessness, betrayal, and ambivalence are entered through honesty and transformed by repentance, the potential for living courageously with others will feel like a desire rather than an onerous burden. meanwhile, shouts of evangelical fervor about loving the abuser fall on deaf ears.

forgiveness is not something to be pushed on the abuse victim.
it is an aspect of the healing process
but not a bitter pill to swallow.
it must be assumed not commanded.
a heart that knows something of the joy of returning to God will be drawn to offer restoration like God.

...for an abuse victim to forsake the call to love, even to love the abuser, is tantamount to saying her heart is no better than the one who abused her.
one woman, in convulsive hatred, shouted,
'i'd rather be dead than restored to him!
i asked her what she would do if God gave her two options-
one:  press the left button and God would totally destroy the abuser, so that not one molecule of his being existed next to another, or
two: press the right button and God would totally restore him to be the man, father and husband that God designed him to be.
she wept with longing for a father, but not her father.
i said,
'your father is wicked, perverse, vile and worthy of condemnation.
i did not ask if you wanted to be restored to who he is today, but to a man who is broken and contrite-
a father who could weep over the harm done to you and to the Lord.
'which button would you choose?
it was a moment of writhing pain and anguish,
but her soul had tasted the joy of her own restoration, and
she did not want to withhold the possibility of joy for him.
to have done so would be to deny her own salvation and to call her own good heart evil.
she was unwilling to do so, and in that moment, she began to be able to imagine restoration.
the ability to imagine what the abuser could be if he repented and was redeemed opens the way to hunger for a pure and righteous restoration of relationship.

there are many obstacles to deepening a desire for restoration that revolve around confusion over what it means to love and how to deal with the desire for revenge. what is the goal of love and what will happen if we forgive?

BOLD LOVE IS A COMMITMENT TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES (apart from sin) TO BRING HEALTH (SALVATION) TO (ANOTHER)...the abuser. a metaphor may help explain what that means. a surgeon who sees a cancerous mass in a patient's neck knows it will kill him. his commitment is to destroy sickness for the sake of returning the body to health. he may stick a knife..bombard the mass with chemicals..in order to eradicate the alien presence. or he may strengthen the man's diet, provide rest..until more heroic measures can be implemented...

bold love is reflected in paul's command:
'love must be sincere. hate what is evil; cling to what is good romans 12.9. love is to be without hypocrisy..unfeigned. the proverbs also state,
'better is open rebuke than hidden love. the kisses of an enemy may be profuse, but faithful are the wounds of a friend. (27.5-6 in both passages, love is a powerful force and energy to reclaim the potential good in another, even at the risk of great sacrifice and loss.

for example, if another's arrogance destroys the possibility of relationship with us and with God, we must hate his arrogance and see it as a cancer to be destroyed. i one way , the cancerous mass can be said to be part of the man, but in another sense it is a foreign, alien thing that is not part of God's original design. if we are to hate what is evil and cling to what is good, we are constrained to detest all that is consonant with evil and bind ourselves to whatever is good. therefore, love is not anemic unconditional acceptance that ignores evil in other or ourselves matt. 7.3-6 it is not contradictory to love someone, desire their good and equally work toward destroying their cancer through bringing them to repentance and faith.

...love means courageously using our life for the purpose of reclaiming in another the ground lost to the weeds, thorns, and thistles of satanic intrusion. it might be through direct, frontal confrontation luke 17.3 OR patient, slow kindness ephesians 4.32. (and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.)
(note: is it 'or' or is it 'and'?)

...the desire to do harm to another is not always the same as wanting him to pay for his sin. many times i have prayed for harm to come to a blind, arrogant, harmful man or woman in order to bring them to their senses. paul encourages us to pour burning coals on an evildoer's head rather than strike back in revenge. john stott argues that 'pouring burning coals' is a new testament metaphor for shaming or causing embarrassment...he suggests that our feeding and offering drink to an evildoer humbles and shames him and opens his heart to the possibility of redemption. the purpose for doing good is to destroy evil. many abuse victims who want to do harm to the abuser have not recognized the redemptive
(does he mean 'non-redemptive?)
 desire behind their fantasy of revenge.

..the desire to see the abuser pay is honorable and consistent with the longing for the day of judgment. again, what makes this attitude different from seeking revenge?

...revenge leaves no room for restoration. the judgment is final...if i condemn you..i will be held accountable to the same exacting standard i use to reject you. matthew 7.1-2 ...also ..revenge gets in the way of God. our acts of revenge are puny; His are perfect.
(note: and just like we all fall far short of the glory or God our revenge likewise falls far short of the wisdom, grace and love of God in bringing appropriate reaction to our unconfessed, unrepented of sin)

..actual confrontation must involve rebuke. Jesus said,
'if your brother sins against you, rebuke him and if he repents, forgive him. luke 17.3
(note:also, a total uncatagorical (not just to other christians ('brother' above) but all men) 'forgive' in luke 6.37)

rebuke often opens the door to repentance. rebuke ought to clarify the offense, its consequences and the means for restoration.

it is usually best for an abuse victim to invite the abuser to a confrontation, not hiding the purpose for their meeting. the meeting ought to occur in a safe, public place (usually a high class restaurant). it is good to have a friend or two at another table or out in the parking lot praying and supporting the interaction. a confrontation should never be attempted without prayer.

the rebuke must follow a logical sequence, and if a step is not passed, the rebuke cannot continue. the issues that block a step may be discussed between victim and abuser, but resolution cannot occur until the issues are dealt with. in order for a rebuke to be effective, the abuser must take the following steps:

1. when the victim reviews the details of the abuse, the perpetrator must agree that the abuse occurred.
2. the abuser must accept complete responsibility for the abuse-without excuse or blameshifting.
3. when the victim describes the past and current damage from the abuse, the perpetrator must evidence some grief and acknowledgment of harm.
4. when the victim exposes the abuser's current relational failures that inhibit the potential of reconciliation, he must be open to consider the data and deal with the barriers.
5. when the victim describes the process for moving into a new kind of relationship, the abuser must express a willingness to pursue the path and seek additional help (through church discipline, counseling, seminars, or reading).

if the perpetrator, and later the nonoffending parent, is willing to move through all five steps, the victim can offer relationship and take steps to deepen intimacy. if repentance does not occur. the victim can still forgive by offering bold love, but RELATIONSHIP CANNOT BE RESTORED.

...a refusal to normalize a wicked relationship is a gift of excommunication that waits for the sinner's return but does not offer deep relationship until he acknowledges and deals with his sin. the offer of restored relationship (based on repentance), in honest, open hearted kindness, is living out the gospel, even if the offer is spurned and condemned.
...the process of redeeming a relationship is not (done?) after the initial confrontation, even if it goes well. it will require a continual returning to each step, forgiving again and again, as long as there is evidence of repentance.

the lord tells us to 'forgive, if he repents', making restoration of relationship conditional on the response of the offender. repentance is never merely saying, 'i'm sorr'. if that were the case, then repentance would be no different from penance, the performance of an act of contrition. true repentance, even if it is required seven times in a day, will be experienced by the abuser as a sorrow unto life, evidenced in a willingness to be humbled and an emerging hunger to deal with the consequences of sin. anything less is not repentance...