this article, 'sex and the silence of the church how it is crippling God's people' by john freeman president of harvest usa, which is a mission for
'proclaiming Christ as lord to a sexually broken world
equipping the church to minister to sexually broken people'
is about a reality i see and have experienced as part of the Church of Jesus Christ.
'i was speaking to a group of students from the reformed university fellowship at yale.
the topic; 'gay and the gospel.
i talked about our duty to love others by bringing both the truth and the mercy of the gospel to those self identifying as gay or lesbian. i stressed that homo wasn't the real issue. beneath all struggles and sin and ways of living that are outside of God's design is a human heart that says,
'i have a wonderful plan for my life and don't you (that is, anyone) or you (that is, god) get in my way.
afterwards, a student came to talk with me. through her tears, she shared that she had been raised at a large evangelical church. she asked,
'why didn't my church prepare me for what i was going to face at college?
why didn't my church talk about sex and homosexuality?
i feel like i have no biblical basis from which i can talk intelligently about it.
i remembered talking to a church's prayer team years earlier. they had been praying with people for more than ten years at a weekly intercessory healing prayer meeting. one leader said to me,
'john, we've prayed with people about marriage issues, problems with children, job losses, interpersonal conflicts, and crises of faith and other personal problems, but never has someone come for prayer about anything of a sexual nature, not once.
i was shocked. the numbers of those struggling with pornography, same sex attractions and sexual addictions are increasing daily. add in family members affected and impacted by someone they love dealing with sexual brokenness, and it is clear this is a huge problem in the church today.
i responded to this leader's comment by saying,
'you know, i'd be asking, why not?
i'd be asking, how has our church communicated that it's ok to talk about everything else, but not about 'that'?
somehow you've conveyed this isn't a safe place to talk about sex and sexual issues. and in doing that you've become part of a collusion of silence.
several years ago when our board began thinking about expanding our mission focus at harvest usa, one that would focus on educating and equipping the church, i remember what board member, steve brown, said:
'what harvest usa does IS the work of the church, work which the church has neglected out of fear and shame, out of not knowing what to do. we've got to help the church recapture the calling to rescue and redeem those struggling with sexual sin in the church. but, if we do this, it will be the most difficult thing that we've done.
prophetic words! as we've begun helping churches address these issues, we've run into all kinds of roadblocks. you'd think that churches would eagerly desire to help people, to bring the light of the gospel into these difficult places. the reality is quite different.
this resistance and hesitancy got me thinking. i've been trying to better understand why we-members of the church, the church as a whole and church leadership in particular-are so reluctant to proactively talk about these crucial matters with our people. i came up with 10 reasons why the church is so silent. which of these describe you, or your church, or your church leadership? the silence of the church is crippling our people. but it doesn't have to be this way any longer. believing in the transformative power of the gospel of Jesus Christ is more than enough to move us from hesitancy to redemptive action.
1. the church is silent because it's our nature to pretend-to pretend that, 'i'm ok-you're ok.
the truth is, in today's highly charged sexual culture, almost no one is ok in this area. the reality of genesis 4.7, that,
'sin is crouching at the door and its desire is to have you',
has never been truer when it comes to ways our hearts seek comfort, relief and life in things of a sexual nature. we don't have to go looking for ways to stain our hearts; it comes looking for us! the pathways to dark and destructive places abound: internet, cable tv, hotel room adult video offerings, movies and mobile dating apps are part of a culture that beckons us to give in to our feelings and desires, to escape lives of loneliness, routine and stress. even if you aren't personally struggling with sexual integrity, there are dozens of people sitting in the same church service as you that are struggling.
i've learned that we'll go to any lengths to keep from being hones about all this.
why?
fear,
shame,
hatred of self,
not believing the gospel has any practical answer,
guilt,
giving up-you name it.
i was having lunch with a businessman from my church and halfway through he brought up his internet pornography usage. what happened next was a microcosm of what is happening throughout the church.
i asked him when it started.
when he was 10 years old.
how often do you look at porn?
several times a week, for a couple of hours at a time.
anyone know about this?
no.
are you in a men's group at church?
yes.
does this topic ever come up for discussion?
no.
would you be wiling to bring it up?
no way!
then he begins to backpedal, saying it's not really that big a problem nor is it that damaging. i'm not usually blunt with someone, but i had no choice this time.
'you know, what i hear coming from your mouth is addict speak.
you're far worse off than you can possibly imagine.
can you believe that Jesus longs to enter this area of life with you?
he looked at me like a deer caught in the headlights.
i don't think we'll be having lunch again anytime soon.
you see, we all like to pretend we're ok, or, that whatever struggle we have will get better on its own. it won't, and it never will-apart from our willingness to die to self, to discard our investment in our reputation and image and to open up and walk in honesty and in the light of transparency and vulnerability. that's a supernatural thing to even want to do. yes, we all need to stop pretending.
2. the church is silent because we really don't believe that the gospel can transform deep sexual struggles.
in other words, when we admit the depth of struggle among our people, it messes up our categories of what we think the 'victorious' christian life is or should be! you know, the kind of life we hear tv evangelists talking about, those peddling the prosperity gospel of you shouldn't have problems with sin kind of stuff.
...nonsense! if you're fighting against sin in your life, then it may indicate that something might be very right!...God..knows our nature is to seek out and fall for false worship
(note: jeremiah 2.13)
that we give our hearts to false gods and pursue them as having ultimate purpose and meaning in our lives, rather than seek out Him and His purposes. the results of what happens when people live for themselves, following their own fallen sexual desires, are well documented in scripture and in countless..lives.
what happens, then, when we begin to call Jesus 'boss' over all our desires and longings? world war III breaks out in our lives and hearts. conflict. adversity. suffering. struggle.
...this is what happened early on in my own life when i sought to follow Jesus. i had many a major knock down, drag out fight with God in my small attic apartment. why are You calling me to a new way of living; why are You asking me to stop practices and walk away from relationships that fill the empty void in my heart? why are You giving me new desires, desires that are different than those that seem so natural in my heart? what am i to do when i want to look at porn or frequent hang outs where i might meet someone for a brief encounter that will take away my relational pain?
how did change happen in my life?
when i began to hear Him speak into my struggle with a heart of compassion and love-for me.
He wooed me to Himself, to a relationship with Him rather than something else on which to set my heart.
when this happened, and when conflict over desires and sin surfaced, i learned to repent.
...repentance became my new response to sin and temptation.
what is repentance?
tim keller says that repentance is
'killing that which is killing me-without killing myself.
repentance is liberating; not limiting.
here is the point about whether the gospel has power to transform our sexual struggles.
the desire to obey God,
no matter how small and weak it may feel in the moment,
is the proof of spiritual life.
repenting is what fans that spark into flame.
whether it's repentance with a capital R
when we first begin to follow Christ,
or whether it's repentance with a small r,
the on going, daily repentance to repeatedly turn away from that which you felt gave life
and turned to Christ who really gives life; this is the true christian life and walk.
it's an on going battle.
what's the bottom line here? we avoid talking about sex or sexual sin because we have a faulty, unbiblical theology of struggle and suffering. regaining a right view of struggle with sin in the christian life will lead us to say to the members of our churches,
'we are not surprised that you are struggling with some type of sexual temptation and sin.
let us know about it;
tell us what's going on;
let us help you.
this is the exact opposite of being dismayed or shocked over the struggles every christian experiences.
a flip side to having a bad theology or sin and struggle is that we often just stop calling sin-sin! we soften our response to it. we become dismayed over the enormity of the struggle. i've seen this happen with pornography usage. too often i hear a response of compromise:
everyone's doing it ;
it's no big deal;
it's private and
it's not really hurting anyone.
i have heard the same in dealing with the issue of homosexuality. i had an elder in a church recently tell me,
'i like what harvest usa does with the pornography issue-but i don't believe that homosexuality is wrong in every situation.
i asked him to tell me more. he said,
'well, i've just seen too many people struggle too deeply and too long. christianity seems to have no ability to solve their faith verses their feelings dilemma.
...you can go to harvestusa.org and read the other 8 points.
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