well this was certainly another week in which i was totally out of control. first of all it rained most all week which did away with my plans to paint. fortunately so, as it turned out, for my wrestling over whether or not to leave leidy church led me to finally cast a lot on the question - Lord, do You want me to leave leidy church? the answer was yes. i then drew lots on the year (2009), month (june), and day(7th) for my last sunday there. had a peace through this but once it was established all hell broke lose in my human part. the anguish of leaving my church family was intense. the fact that i face a totally unknown future in this important area. (the only church that i had thought maybe was where God might be leading me came up 'no')...so, yea... then i put a number of ways in which i could leave the church down and drew 'call everyone you know in the church immediately'. i know alot of people so it came to about 200 'units' (families, individuals). started out calling pastor john. he disagreed with the way i made the decision stating that the lot is no longer for today. he offered two books which i said i would be happy to read. then i started the hours long process of calling everyone to 1) tell them i am leaving and when and 2) to ask prayer for God's direction as to where i am to go. it has taken the better part of two days and i still have 5 or so to complete monday morning. very interesting time. fortunately i called during the day so many were not home and i could just leave the message..otherwise i would still face a long list. got some very good counsel. some reported having similar experience and it was good to hear how these turned out for them. i'm ok on the surface but it is proving very difficult leaving my 'family' of the last 8 years. to those who wanted to find out the real reason i shared that there are things that disturb me at church but that is true in every church situation and relationship...things are never perfectly like we would like them to be...but there is no 'reason' why i am leaving for i know that it will just be the same in the next place maybe with a slightly different twist. soooo this leaving business may not be real easy. i may quail and 'not be able to deal with it' and return. i have no idea. following God offers no security or certainty. we'll just see what develops. if this stark, dark leaving is indeed His leading i call upon the God who said to abram,'GO FORTH from your country and from your relatives and from your father's house to the land which I WILL SHOW YOU... and so you shall be a blessing...'to go before and guide me in His way.
it's now monday evening and i have read the two books and studied the word 'lot' in the Bible. the first book, just do something by kevin deyoung is well written but unfortunately is written to his generation (20-30 something) who, he says, are marked by indecision. that would be the opposite for most of what i have done in life has been the result of impulsiveness...i'm on the other end of the spectrum.
he talks of 3 'wills of God'. 1. God's will of decree. this refers to things as they are and cannot be thwarted or changed by man. 2. God's will of desire. this refers to things as they ought to be and this can be disregarded by man. it is the area of God's will revealed in the Bible. these two areas are covered in deuteronomy 29.29 'the secret things belong unto the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law'. 3.God's will of direction. we are, within the bounds of 1 and 2, free to make our own choices in this area. there is now exact path we are supposed to take, no best and second best. we are not to treat things in this area as more important than they are. he says here, 'waiting for God's direction is a mess!'
i would disagree here based upon what i get from nee who would say generally (sometimes circumstances decide for us, sometimes we use what might be called 'sanctified common sense') we are to wait for the intuition of the spirit in sensing what God wants us to do and only then move. being aware that there are many counterfeits which can seem to be of God, we are to be constantly monitoring our own thots and their source (is this my thot or did it just 'appear' in my thots from the outside - the wicked spirit). we need to be asking is this just driven by my own emotion, bent, motivation. in my my use of the lot in many cases is revealing that often my sensing about something is what 'comes up' with the lot...but not always! so i am learning a bit to begin to recognize the intuition of the spirit and how it 'works' or 'looks'. sometimes it is very different though, sometimes enough to really be very puzzling or difficult. as deyoung says, the word decide comes from the latin decidere meaning 'to cut off'. when you throw the lot, when you decide you cut off all other options! uncle hugh reported this same phenomenon and said it led him to ask God to show him and said that God taught him much in this way. i would say that it has been, in a beginning kind of way, very instructive to me also as i have gone to the God about lots i did not understand.
finally deyoung speaks of God's will of desire. 1.God guides us by His invisible providence at all times. eph. 1.11 2. God can speak to His people in many different ways, guiding them by their conscious cooperation. heb. 1.2 3. since Christ was here God has spoken to us by Christ. 4.God continues to speak to us by His Son through His spirit in the Bible in heb. 3.7 the writer quotes psalm 95 written 1000 yrs. before saying, 'the Holy Spirit SAYS'. 5. apart from the Spirit working through the scripture God does NOT promise to use any other means to guide us nor should we expect Him to. (as the author of the second book says on this point -the author of this book took the above 5 points from the second author- it is always hard to prove a negative and says, 'it may be that there is a promise in scripture we have not yet found'...an i am thinking of proverbs 16.33 -the LOT is cast into the lap, but ITS EVERY DECISION IS FROM THE LORD.
so, my thot is that nothing is said against the lot in deyoung's book. he takes the view that in the area of God's will of direction we are free to do whatever we choose within the bounds of the God's will of desire (the only area we have any choice in). he doesn't speak against lots, he doesn't mention them. so, within the scope of his opinion, i am evidently free, in the area of direction, to seek it as led by means of the lot. the second book adds nothing more, says nothing about lots.
lot is used in the old testament about 70 times, 2 in the new testament (those who tend maybe to be stronger in dispensational outlook remind me that both occur before pentecost when the church age begins...they therefore dismiss the lot as only for the nation of israel. my question to them is 'if that is true what does proverbs 16.33 mean for although all the Bible was not written to us, all was written for us'? (II tim. 3.16)
in the old testament lot signifies: 1. a portion of the land of palestine given to the 12 tribes of israel, 2. on the day of atonement it was cast to decide which of two goats was to be sacrificed and which was to be sent into the wilderness (the both symbolize God's covering (with His blood) and removal (scapegoat sent away) of sin, 3. victors cast lots in order to divide the spoil, 4. lots determined assignments such as the 24 sections of the sons of aaron who ministered in the tabernacle, the musicians who served in the temple during the time of david, the gatekeepers of the same time, the men choosen to fight against gibeah, the people who were to reside in jerusalem and those choosen to supply wood for the altar's fire during the time of nehemiah, 5. used to discover the guilty (aachan, jonah), 6. to settle disputes prov.18.18, 7. one's lot referred to one's circumstances or life, 8. in reference to one's recompense or reward.
it comes from the hebrew word goral meaning pebble and by metonymy 'lot', because small stones were used to cast lots thrown or allowed to fall in such a way as to determine a choice. six hebrew verbs are used io describe the method of such determining -the lot is said to 'come up, out, upon,for' a person or thing. not much is known though about the actual methods used. another source says that in Biblical times the lot generally recommended 'itself as a sort of appeal to the Almighty secure from all influence of passion and bias' and was esteemed by the ancients.
my research so far enables me with good conscience to use the lot, when such use seems good, to determine God's will of direction.
well this is looong enough. hope you have a good week. love, dad
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
5.3.09 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
i thank God for nate and jen inviting me into their home. for quite a while i had difficulty transferring into the world of grandfather. rather than cooing, ahhhing, smothering i took the true patriarchal position that if the child is to SEE ME, he will be presented to me in my own home!!!! i am such a royal goofball. most of the thoughts and ideas i have apart from those God has so far patiently HAMMERED into the proper form are bizarre and ridiculous...something that anyone who has had to relate to me is very well aware of already. anyway, i am amazed at what God is doing through this weekly visit right after church on sunday. it is the Lord pouring oil and wine into some deep wounds. (i can't wait to see Him when i get 100% healed and my sin-riddled/diseased soul drops away forever. AHHHHH, just like diving into deliciously refreshing water when oppressed by strength-draining fatigue and exhaustion...only billions of times better.) i think silas actually remembers me and always greets me with a sweet, wide smile and dancing eyes. another of the multitude of good gifts i don't deserve. thank you nate and jen for inviting me in...maybe God will give me some opportunity to be to my grandson what i never, ungodly, was to my children.
this week i continued to wage war against things that other people have no problem with. in particular i am continuing to have a battle royal just to do the 7 daily duties and this is set in the context of warring to 'seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness AND BELIEVE THAT all the needs necessary for life will be provided. as no work has come in in a while i am thinking more and more about fixing the house up and renting it and then renting a room somewhere and trying to living off the house rental income. probably another quixotic scheme but i am, on wobbling knees, attempting to walk in that direction. i am scared to death to put the question to the lot because then i would have to really trust the Lord if the answer was no. next year, in the original thot, is limited to10 hours per week and then no income after that. i don't know...but anyway, on the outside i am leading a more and more restricted, boring life but inside there is a titanic, ongoing battle going on in the struggle to establish what might be called the infrastructure of my soul summed up in the dictum : ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU SHOULD BEFORE YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT. my whole life has been summed up largely by the latter half and to break the back of that lifelong habit is a killer. it has made me so aware of how important it is for: 1) parents to do that 2) to guide their children into that. if one is happening two may only involve a tweek here or there. character, i would say, is rather caught than taught. thank God for mom, is all i can say. she habitually lived this way and you...and i (i don't know where i would be without her example in this!) have benefitted. so i warred on this week. progress is slow but progress is definitely being made. its amazing to think what a person can achieve for God if he is mastered rather than going about having to always do whatever he wants.
it is now monday evening. last week while working on cleaning up the basement i listened to the bondage breaker written by neil anderson. God's up to something because He is leading me to strong teaching about demonization of people who profess to be christian. i certainly am aware of the activity of the evil spirit in my life but little is said about this publicly that i am aware of. nee, wild at heart men's retreat and its sponsoring church, harvest community fellowship and now neil anderson's book. i've listened to it twice this week. now i need to internalize and apply what i am learning.
haven't worked for 6.5 weeks so my weekly hourly average has plummeted to just over 11 hours a week. it's been raining a lot lately but several small jobs await when dry weather reappears. also just received a call from someone inquiring about a room. so i'm deep in prayer that God would clearly lead by open or shut doors in this.
read about a pastor in california who was harassed by a planned parenthood for his standing quietly outside with a Jesus-loves-you-and-your-baby-let-us-help poster and asking women entering for permission to speak with them about abortion alternatives and offering literature detailing such. he refused a plea bargain which would have kept him away from the center, so he served 30 days in jail. while in he had a conversation with an 18 year old man (30 men were sleeping in the same area) whose 'woman' had aborted their baby which he reported as follows - it was her choice to abort..yes i know that ,but what did you do? did you offer to marry her?..no..did you offer to help her raise the child?..no..did you tell her you love her and that you were going to go the distance with her as a man should, even if she decided to give child up for adoption?..no..no one ever told me what an abortion is. no one ever made it plain (started to cry)...God can forgive you... when others in the cell mouthed pro-choice slogans he said,'but when i forced them to complete the sentence,"i believe that a woman has a right to choose to kill an innocent life" they couldn't do it'.
regarding my feverish unrest about all that's going on, read this statement, which resonated, made by michael cromartie who is currently a member of the US commission on international religious freedom..'because of reading augustine i have a chastened view of politics which is that we live in two kingdoms. we are to bring approximate justice to basically insoluble problems. that's reinhold neibuhr, having read augustine: because the world is fallen, because it is decayed..we will never bring in any kind of utopia. that's a warning to people on the right and on the left'.
it's interesting. everytime i cast the lot on a question of rebuking someone it comes up no. today i got yes on 'asking questions' and 'tell what i am thinking and doing' but consistent no on the other. is God telling me i have an especially virulent 'i-have-a-log-in-the-eye' disease? i don't know but He may be hinting in that direction.
to anyone who happens to read this, i extend an invitation to respond (at stephen.paine@gmail.com) to the following questions. i'm currently reading wild at heart. at this point in the book the author is talking about how we men (probably women too) are all posers...deathly afraid of showing our real selves and he invites the reader to accept God's invitation to leave all you rely upon and venture out with Him. he says we can do this proactively on our own or wait for God to bring the imposter/false self down in His own time. he then says what i was thinking - you have no clue what your false self is? ask those who know you:
1. what is my effect upon You?
2. what am i like to live (work) with?
3. what DON'T you feel free to bring up with me?
so...please...be honest with me. i will be everlastingly grateful, for you see i can't see myself.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
this week i continued to wage war against things that other people have no problem with. in particular i am continuing to have a battle royal just to do the 7 daily duties and this is set in the context of warring to 'seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness AND BELIEVE THAT all the needs necessary for life will be provided. as no work has come in in a while i am thinking more and more about fixing the house up and renting it and then renting a room somewhere and trying to living off the house rental income. probably another quixotic scheme but i am, on wobbling knees, attempting to walk in that direction. i am scared to death to put the question to the lot because then i would have to really trust the Lord if the answer was no. next year, in the original thot, is limited to10 hours per week and then no income after that. i don't know...but anyway, on the outside i am leading a more and more restricted, boring life but inside there is a titanic, ongoing battle going on in the struggle to establish what might be called the infrastructure of my soul summed up in the dictum : ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU SHOULD BEFORE YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT. my whole life has been summed up largely by the latter half and to break the back of that lifelong habit is a killer. it has made me so aware of how important it is for: 1) parents to do that 2) to guide their children into that. if one is happening two may only involve a tweek here or there. character, i would say, is rather caught than taught. thank God for mom, is all i can say. she habitually lived this way and you...and i (i don't know where i would be without her example in this!) have benefitted. so i warred on this week. progress is slow but progress is definitely being made. its amazing to think what a person can achieve for God if he is mastered rather than going about having to always do whatever he wants.
it is now monday evening. last week while working on cleaning up the basement i listened to the bondage breaker written by neil anderson. God's up to something because He is leading me to strong teaching about demonization of people who profess to be christian. i certainly am aware of the activity of the evil spirit in my life but little is said about this publicly that i am aware of. nee, wild at heart men's retreat and its sponsoring church, harvest community fellowship and now neil anderson's book. i've listened to it twice this week. now i need to internalize and apply what i am learning.
haven't worked for 6.5 weeks so my weekly hourly average has plummeted to just over 11 hours a week. it's been raining a lot lately but several small jobs await when dry weather reappears. also just received a call from someone inquiring about a room. so i'm deep in prayer that God would clearly lead by open or shut doors in this.
read about a pastor in california who was harassed by a planned parenthood for his standing quietly outside with a Jesus-loves-you-and-your-baby-let-us-help poster and asking women entering for permission to speak with them about abortion alternatives and offering literature detailing such. he refused a plea bargain which would have kept him away from the center, so he served 30 days in jail. while in he had a conversation with an 18 year old man (30 men were sleeping in the same area) whose 'woman' had aborted their baby which he reported as follows - it was her choice to abort..yes i know that ,but what did you do? did you offer to marry her?..no..did you offer to help her raise the child?..no..did you tell her you love her and that you were going to go the distance with her as a man should, even if she decided to give child up for adoption?..no..no one ever told me what an abortion is. no one ever made it plain (started to cry)...God can forgive you... when others in the cell mouthed pro-choice slogans he said,'but when i forced them to complete the sentence,"i believe that a woman has a right to choose to kill an innocent life" they couldn't do it'.
regarding my feverish unrest about all that's going on, read this statement, which resonated, made by michael cromartie who is currently a member of the US commission on international religious freedom..'because of reading augustine i have a chastened view of politics which is that we live in two kingdoms. we are to bring approximate justice to basically insoluble problems. that's reinhold neibuhr, having read augustine: because the world is fallen, because it is decayed..we will never bring in any kind of utopia. that's a warning to people on the right and on the left'.
it's interesting. everytime i cast the lot on a question of rebuking someone it comes up no. today i got yes on 'asking questions' and 'tell what i am thinking and doing' but consistent no on the other. is God telling me i have an especially virulent 'i-have-a-log-in-the-eye' disease? i don't know but He may be hinting in that direction.
to anyone who happens to read this, i extend an invitation to respond (at stephen.paine@gmail.com) to the following questions. i'm currently reading wild at heart. at this point in the book the author is talking about how we men (probably women too) are all posers...deathly afraid of showing our real selves and he invites the reader to accept God's invitation to leave all you rely upon and venture out with Him. he says we can do this proactively on our own or wait for God to bring the imposter/false self down in His own time. he then says what i was thinking - you have no clue what your false self is? ask those who know you:
1. what is my effect upon You?
2. what am i like to live (work) with?
3. what DON'T you feel free to bring up with me?
so...please...be honest with me. i will be everlastingly grateful, for you see i can't see myself.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
Sunday, April 26, 2009
4.26.09 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
well this has been a bit of a melancholy week. after seven years and eight months eddie has moved out. he will be living in virginia, helping his parents get their house in shape with a view to them transitioning to a local retirement home. God has graciously worked in this all and his family is greatly heartened, blessed and transformed by what he is doing. so there is a special glow about it all. my prayer is that he will buy a little gentleman's farm, provide for all his needs with his own hands and keep an eye on his parents in a situation where they have their own space. then when he gets married to another homesteading spirit and they start having children all three generations can cross pollinate! yea, you know me...the dreamer-idealist. but that is my wish. so much healing in that unreachable world...
eddie and i celebrated our last free evening together watching 'matrix' and then (for me) recovering by going to michael's restaurant for coffee and dessert and then home for a time of prayer. then i, coffee-saturated, stayed up the few hours that remained and read 'wild at heart' by john eldridge. then to warminster planned parenthood to pray and protest. just received word that it may not be long until people like myself will be considered domestic terrorists dangerous to our culture.
just talked with tom and judy leidy this am at church and heard of a trip to jordan where they experienced an amazingly different 'picture' of muslims. jordan is 96 % muslim yet they allow the US to transport war things into iraq from their country. it was amazing to see how honest, sober (no alcohol), chaste and family oriented the local populace was. they went to one park where they estimated 20,000 people were there with their families-all very kind and friendly etc. it made me realize again how we are fed a certain very limited slant to what goes on in the world. 'news' has nothing to do with openness and truth but is just one more product designed for consumption based upon an agenda. i'll get off the soap box.
last two days a sudden spike into the 90s and for the first time since i can remember i am not cold. as i recently thought of what another prolifer shared with me this winter about taking off my gloves and put my hands where my legs could warm them this heart-warming analogy came to mind. just as my frozen hands, made that way by gloves, are warmed deliciously by my legs in the coldest weather, so my soul, always sinful despite my many attempts and devices, is forgiven and healed again and again by You. thank You.
found two more ways to economize. saved $83 on home insurance by moving the deductible from $1000 to $2500. next year hopefully i'll take another baby step toward no insurance by going to a $5000 deductible. that will bring it to just over $100 for the year. also i discovered ounce for ounce that it is 2/3rds less expensive to buy brown organic eggs in a third small egg flat than to by the same as jumbos in a 12-pack. also have enjoyed dandylion greens in my salad this week after picking a huge bagfull off the back lawn.
came across something in the voice of the martyrs publication that shared a process that has helped many who have been traumatized by lethal violence done to spouses or other members of their families. the process is:
1. spend time focusing on Jesus' presence
2. recall the moment of trauma
3. purposefully invite Jesus into that moment
4. give Jesus the pain and ask for His direction
5. commit to doing what Jesus directs
VOM reports that many are transformed.
my ongoing question concerning marriage once again had an interesting input when another man at the wild at heart retreat became the first human being to validate what i did in reference to mom. he and his wife got married on an uncertain foundation much like mom and i. they too have a great amount of conflict. i shared that i worked my hands to the bone to try to stay out of debt and meet the needs of the family, but the more i made the faster it went out...and, to boot, i got the distinct impression, although mom -from where she was coming from economically- was truly amazing in her patience and restraint, was more and more aware that i would never come close to meeting her expectations financially. although we lived royally juxtaposed to my upbringing, we were and would always be slumming it juxtaposed to hers. it came slowly but i realized that i was created to live a life that had nothing to do with a focus on money and things but with the non-material world. here i was, my life passing by, focused wholly on earning money. then came the defining moment when i put my foot down and said, 'i will pay the mortgage, the utilities, the food and a modest amount for clothing but that is it. i had done everything from regularly eating all the food left by the family to living out of the trash cans at landis market etc. to economize and was at the end. no more would i pay for more than just necessities. mom freaked and the meltdown began. when i had finished sharing this with pete, he looked at me and said, AMAZINGLY, 'steve, you did the right thing!!! you set limits just like i'm setting limits which my wife is going ballistic over. you did the right thing.' now granted here are two sinners talking...but it got me thinking about the other side of the coin again. just like in I cor. 7 where believers are admonished to stay with unbelievers, but to allow them to depart if they want...that was exactly how i originally viewed the whole thing. i was not any longer going to allow another person to cause me to live in violation to my conscience. when God highlighted matthew 5:32 recently i saw the other. in matthew i 'saw' that i forced mom to divorce by taking my inflexible stand on this and other issues. but the other side is that mom chose to leave...it is all very confusing after talking with pete for all the memories came flooding back. my lousy memory is a handicap. so yea...i don't know, i just don't really know. you are always talking about two sinners not one...but you are talking about sin. if any of you would want to share your thoughts it might be a real help in enabling me to remember in cases or to 'see' something i haven't yet seen. gotta go. have a good week. love, dad
eddie and i celebrated our last free evening together watching 'matrix' and then (for me) recovering by going to michael's restaurant for coffee and dessert and then home for a time of prayer. then i, coffee-saturated, stayed up the few hours that remained and read 'wild at heart' by john eldridge. then to warminster planned parenthood to pray and protest. just received word that it may not be long until people like myself will be considered domestic terrorists dangerous to our culture.
just talked with tom and judy leidy this am at church and heard of a trip to jordan where they experienced an amazingly different 'picture' of muslims. jordan is 96 % muslim yet they allow the US to transport war things into iraq from their country. it was amazing to see how honest, sober (no alcohol), chaste and family oriented the local populace was. they went to one park where they estimated 20,000 people were there with their families-all very kind and friendly etc. it made me realize again how we are fed a certain very limited slant to what goes on in the world. 'news' has nothing to do with openness and truth but is just one more product designed for consumption based upon an agenda. i'll get off the soap box.
last two days a sudden spike into the 90s and for the first time since i can remember i am not cold. as i recently thought of what another prolifer shared with me this winter about taking off my gloves and put my hands where my legs could warm them this heart-warming analogy came to mind. just as my frozen hands, made that way by gloves, are warmed deliciously by my legs in the coldest weather, so my soul, always sinful despite my many attempts and devices, is forgiven and healed again and again by You. thank You.
found two more ways to economize. saved $83 on home insurance by moving the deductible from $1000 to $2500. next year hopefully i'll take another baby step toward no insurance by going to a $5000 deductible. that will bring it to just over $100 for the year. also i discovered ounce for ounce that it is 2/3rds less expensive to buy brown organic eggs in a third small egg flat than to by the same as jumbos in a 12-pack. also have enjoyed dandylion greens in my salad this week after picking a huge bagfull off the back lawn.
came across something in the voice of the martyrs publication that shared a process that has helped many who have been traumatized by lethal violence done to spouses or other members of their families. the process is:
1. spend time focusing on Jesus' presence
2. recall the moment of trauma
3. purposefully invite Jesus into that moment
4. give Jesus the pain and ask for His direction
5. commit to doing what Jesus directs
VOM reports that many are transformed.
my ongoing question concerning marriage once again had an interesting input when another man at the wild at heart retreat became the first human being to validate what i did in reference to mom. he and his wife got married on an uncertain foundation much like mom and i. they too have a great amount of conflict. i shared that i worked my hands to the bone to try to stay out of debt and meet the needs of the family, but the more i made the faster it went out...and, to boot, i got the distinct impression, although mom -from where she was coming from economically- was truly amazing in her patience and restraint, was more and more aware that i would never come close to meeting her expectations financially. although we lived royally juxtaposed to my upbringing, we were and would always be slumming it juxtaposed to hers. it came slowly but i realized that i was created to live a life that had nothing to do with a focus on money and things but with the non-material world. here i was, my life passing by, focused wholly on earning money. then came the defining moment when i put my foot down and said, 'i will pay the mortgage, the utilities, the food and a modest amount for clothing but that is it. i had done everything from regularly eating all the food left by the family to living out of the trash cans at landis market etc. to economize and was at the end. no more would i pay for more than just necessities. mom freaked and the meltdown began. when i had finished sharing this with pete, he looked at me and said, AMAZINGLY, 'steve, you did the right thing!!! you set limits just like i'm setting limits which my wife is going ballistic over. you did the right thing.' now granted here are two sinners talking...but it got me thinking about the other side of the coin again. just like in I cor. 7 where believers are admonished to stay with unbelievers, but to allow them to depart if they want...that was exactly how i originally viewed the whole thing. i was not any longer going to allow another person to cause me to live in violation to my conscience. when God highlighted matthew 5:32 recently i saw the other. in matthew i 'saw' that i forced mom to divorce by taking my inflexible stand on this and other issues. but the other side is that mom chose to leave...it is all very confusing after talking with pete for all the memories came flooding back. my lousy memory is a handicap. so yea...i don't know, i just don't really know. you are always talking about two sinners not one...but you are talking about sin. if any of you would want to share your thoughts it might be a real help in enabling me to remember in cases or to 'see' something i haven't yet seen. gotta go. have a good week. love, dad
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
4.21.09 WILD AT HEART REFLECTION
part of the aftermath of the wild at heart retreat, or should i say advance, has been to look at the word 'adventure' and some related words. this was done with noah webster's american dictionary of the english language (1828).
ADVENTURE from Latin adventus from advenio (ad=to + venio=to come; literally means 'to come to') definition - HAZARD, RISK, CHANCE, that of which one has no direction...at all hazards... see ADVENT, VENTURE
ADVENT - a coming; the coming of our Savior into this world
VENTURE - a hazard, an undertaking of chance or danger; the risking of something upon an event which cannot be foreseen with tolerable certainty
CHANCE - seems to be from the participle of the french verb cheoir - to fall; def - an event that happens, falls out or takes place without being contrived, intended, expected or foreseen; the effect of an unknown cause or the unusual or unexpected effect of a known cause
HAZARD - to expose to chance, put in danger of loss, injury
RISK - the sense is pushing forward, a rushing, exposure to harm. see PERIL
PERIL - from latin periculum; greek parao - to try, attempt, that is to strain, also para - an attempt, danger, hazard (also point or edge of a sword coinciding with ber, per (welsh) - a spit, spear, pike, hence latin experior and english experience.; paro - to pass, thrust in or transfix. the primary sense of peril is to advance, pushing, going forward; a radical sense of boldness; danger denounced 'do it at your own peril'
the adventure You want me to hazard all on:
1. believe You (john 7.38); obey You
2. seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness and be totally dependent on You for material needs (matt. 6.25-30)
3. meditate on the Bible (ps. 1.2, 119.11), know the Bible so as to be able to share it (II tim. 2.15)4. proclaim the gospel to everyone (mk. 16.15)
5. make disciples (matthew 28.19-20)
6. speak the truth in love (ephesians 4.15)
7. deny every desire coming from self, most powerfully the desire to have a beauty to care for, protect, defend and fight for...as i, though humanly wavering, am currently convinced such is forbidden by You (lk. 9.23-4)
8. think of every woman as Your daughter and relate to her, in heart, as such
9. fight for the hearts of my family
10. fight for the hearts of 12 men
11. do the seven essential daily 'duties'
12. accomplish what i don't think i can (ie. fix the front porch) phil. 4.13
13. be whatever i see as lacking in another
14. eat only for strength (eccl. 10.17), fast (mk. 2.20), eat only organic
15. do not knowingly accept $1.00 from government
16. look to You alone for physical healing, if You choose, and be joyfully ready to depart if You don't (ps. 90.3,5-9,15; 103.3; phil.1.21-4)
ADVENTURE from Latin adventus from advenio (ad=to + venio=to come; literally means 'to come to') definition - HAZARD, RISK, CHANCE, that of which one has no direction...at all hazards... see ADVENT, VENTURE
ADVENT - a coming; the coming of our Savior into this world
VENTURE - a hazard, an undertaking of chance or danger; the risking of something upon an event which cannot be foreseen with tolerable certainty
CHANCE - seems to be from the participle of the french verb cheoir - to fall; def - an event that happens, falls out or takes place without being contrived, intended, expected or foreseen; the effect of an unknown cause or the unusual or unexpected effect of a known cause
HAZARD - to expose to chance, put in danger of loss, injury
RISK - the sense is pushing forward, a rushing, exposure to harm. see PERIL
PERIL - from latin periculum; greek parao - to try, attempt, that is to strain, also para - an attempt, danger, hazard (also point or edge of a sword coinciding with ber, per (welsh) - a spit, spear, pike, hence latin experior and english experience.; paro - to pass, thrust in or transfix. the primary sense of peril is to advance, pushing, going forward; a radical sense of boldness; danger denounced 'do it at your own peril'
the adventure You want me to hazard all on:
1. believe You (john 7.38); obey You
2. seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness and be totally dependent on You for material needs (matt. 6.25-30)
3. meditate on the Bible (ps. 1.2, 119.11), know the Bible so as to be able to share it (II tim. 2.15)4. proclaim the gospel to everyone (mk. 16.15)
5. make disciples (matthew 28.19-20)
6. speak the truth in love (ephesians 4.15)
7. deny every desire coming from self, most powerfully the desire to have a beauty to care for, protect, defend and fight for...as i, though humanly wavering, am currently convinced such is forbidden by You (lk. 9.23-4)
8. think of every woman as Your daughter and relate to her, in heart, as such
9. fight for the hearts of my family
10. fight for the hearts of 12 men
11. do the seven essential daily 'duties'
12. accomplish what i don't think i can (ie. fix the front porch) phil. 4.13
13. be whatever i see as lacking in another
14. eat only for strength (eccl. 10.17), fast (mk. 2.20), eat only organic
15. do not knowingly accept $1.00 from government
16. look to You alone for physical healing, if You choose, and be joyfully ready to depart if You don't (ps. 90.3,5-9,15; 103.3; phil.1.21-4)
Monday, April 20, 2009
4.20.09 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
it is monday am and i am sitting in the library with five days of stubble on my face and wearing a sweatshirt that reeks somewhere between a forrest fire and back yard barbeque from standing around bondfires until all hours of the morning. i drank more coffee than i have collectively for probably the last several years. this is the men's retreat i was told about by jim yothers on the block. it is based on the book 'wild at heart' and put on by a group of five men who have been meeting for the last six years most every week. i would find it very hard to express what i experienced, not so much in the outside world but in the inner.
i went with the distinct impression that although i had gone 'to support jimmy in his walk with the God' that there may be something there that God has for me. i'm just beginning to process but, at this point, it looks like both may turn out to be true. i can't really articulate...and in a sense have no desire to articulate at this point what happened. one thing i may venture is that what God has been teaching me through nee may be beginning to be internalized. pre-nee i would probably be wildly thrashing around in the inner and outer world making all kinds of premature and rash inward and outward statements and actions. instead there is a cautionary to do or say little or nothing and just take the whole thing to God for His leading step by step. i would sincerely invite you to plan to join me next year (maybe i can get a special dispensation for you kate :)
i'll just say that there are all kinds of hard things that i have avoided for as long as i can remember...hard things in the billions of little choices i have made that have largely shaped who i am at this point and the path my life has taken so far...hard things in bigger arenas that i have avoided. the retreat was focused on regaining lost masculinity which i think i need very badly to do.
i'll leave it go at that for now. hope you have a good week. love, dad
i went with the distinct impression that although i had gone 'to support jimmy in his walk with the God' that there may be something there that God has for me. i'm just beginning to process but, at this point, it looks like both may turn out to be true. i can't really articulate...and in a sense have no desire to articulate at this point what happened. one thing i may venture is that what God has been teaching me through nee may be beginning to be internalized. pre-nee i would probably be wildly thrashing around in the inner and outer world making all kinds of premature and rash inward and outward statements and actions. instead there is a cautionary to do or say little or nothing and just take the whole thing to God for His leading step by step. i would sincerely invite you to plan to join me next year (maybe i can get a special dispensation for you kate :)
i'll just say that there are all kinds of hard things that i have avoided for as long as i can remember...hard things in the billions of little choices i have made that have largely shaped who i am at this point and the path my life has taken so far...hard things in bigger arenas that i have avoided. the retreat was focused on regaining lost masculinity which i think i need very badly to do.
i'll leave it go at that for now. hope you have a good week. love, dad
Saturday, April 11, 2009
4.12.09 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
He is risen! greetings from s.e. pa. we had an especially good Good Friday service last night. we, as humans, normally don't think of physical death as good and much in life takes shape based on that outlook. conversely we are either totally unaware of or, if aware, dismissive of the reality of spiritual death, that is being separated from God...at physical death, eternally. strange that we should exercise so much thought about remaining physically alive in this living hell called earth, thinking it somehow good, while unconcerned about forever being separated from God (the only real good). so it is truly GOOD friday on which He allowed Himself to be abused, taunted, ridiculed, despised, rejected, beaten and killed...all for me.
i write on saturday because tomorrow, being resurrection day, the library is closed and i am thus barred from communicating with you at that time. well...eddie after seven years and eight months rode off into the sunset yesterday morning to live in harrisonburg, va to take care of his aging parents who have increasing physical difficulties. we have prayed many times together and apart that God would lead him rightly and now He has. eddie has a peace which he has not had for a while. it will be great for the whole situation. WHAT A BLESSING! maybe he will even meet the one God has for him to love and marry. we will see.
have made some progress this week at 54. God provided a means, via jim greiser's truck to get a load of horse manure which i trust will be a blessing. was able to finish chopping out the stump in the front yard, extended the wall of the raised garden out about a foot or so and, in so doing, made the slate pieces straight again, turned and mulched the soil with the manure and planted,indoors, basil, tomatoes and peppers and outdoors about six different vegetables which i got through heirloomseedsacres.com. i also started to dig out the old broken water line that drains into the front street. today God has given a beautiful soaking rain to start things off. i had ordered an irrigation system from the same place but have not received it yet so i'll have to check on that. i hope to make some progress on unearthing the pipe this week. we'll see what God has in store. thursday evening i go to the poconos with jim yothers for a wild at heart conference. there is a bit of dissonance here in that i'm not much for what i perceive as rah-rah events, but felt led to go with jim...i don't have any clear reason why but am looking to the Lord to guide and use this time in some way for good.
shared last week a bit of what i have been experiencing as far as focus. an article by marvin olasky also helped me see myself a bit better. he writes, 'the parable of the prodigal son should have a plural in its name: sons. we all know of the younger brother's libertine living, but the elder brother has a more subtle problem: he is self-righteous and lacks joy.
part of the evangelical political problem in contemporary america is that much of the press and public sees us as elder brothers. sometimes we are that way in reaction to younger bothers. sometimes younger brothers go their way in reaction to us.
in higher education, younger brother colleges are party schools that profer sex and stimulants. some christian colleges try to avoid that by imposing tight rules in elder brother fashion. those rules may lead to external conformity rather than deep belief. both younger brother and elder brother colleges divert students from learning more about God.
in journalism, younger brother magaqines ranging from rolling stone to people sell a continuation of younger brother college life. elder brother reporters tend to be self -righteious fault-finders - and it' always someone else's fault. elder brother journalism lacks love compassion and a sense that all of us are in this mess together. christian publications that look only at sin among secularists can also be elder brothers.
in the realm of social justice', younger brothers want governmental redistribution so that evedryone, regardless of conduct, gets part of the national inheritance. some recipients of washington's largesse are widows and orphans, but others are younger brothers or sisters who should go home, but do not because government checks allow them to keep destroying themselves. elder brothers though, wax sarcastic about wastrels while they overlook the needy...the gay rights debate is another younger vs. elder brother combat zone. while covering manhattan's annual humongous gay pride parade, i didn't see any lip-locks except when the marchers observed a dozen souls from a church waving Bibles and screaming at them, 'you're going to hell, sodomite' or 'you're an abomination in the sight of God'. the presence of elder brothers allowed younger brothers to feel self-righteous..ironically, ranting reminders about sin provided the opportunity to forget about sin.
younger brothers who perceive self-righteousness or joylessness in their elders head toward mockery. on the comedy network, jon stewart is a snarkyh younger brother and stephen colbert pretends to be an elder as he parodies fox's tut-tutting bill o'reilly. elder brothers tend to forget that truth without love is like sodium with chloride: poison, not salt. what's rare on tv and in life are third brothers who, because they know deeply that the Father loves them, have love for and patience with both elder and youger brothers. third brothers, knowing they have been forgiven, are not prideful.
a third brother christian college helps students to see that all peple are made in the image of God and all people are sinners. because of that, beauty show up where we expect banality and evil emerges where we anticipate excellence...students become bilingual and bicultural, able to move in both christian and secular circles without ignoring the problems of the former or the knowledge generated in the latter, through common grace.
third brother journalism rises out of the history lecture in chapter seven of the book of acts: stephen, with neither an elder brother's pridefulness nor a younger brother's sarcasm, realistically emphasized the fallenness of his people and the holiness of God. he does not seek life's meaning in the formation of or adherence to a man-made religion that sets up a code of morality. third brother politics is also different. the founders fought for both liberty and virtue. elder brothers tend to forget the former, younger brothers the latter. third brothers know that we can never have enough laws to banish sin. they tell the truth, but do not rant at abortionists and gay rights activists. they control their tongues and lungs not because killing babies and killing marriage is right but because their goal is to change hearts. third brothers ask pointed questions and here are ones for each of us to answer. am i a younger, elder or third brother? can we through god's grace leave behind elder and younger brotherism?
i am much like the man, healed of blindness, when asked of Jesus, ' how do you see? , said, 'i see men as trees walking'. the man knew he had a problem but he still couldn't see correctly. may God have mercy on me and heal me in this area so i can see correctly. right now i am 180 degrees away from what david said in psalm 131 and, if honest, would write, 'oh Lord, my heart is proud and my eyes are haughty. i involve myself in great matters and in things too difficult for me. i have not composed and quieted my soul. a weaned child rests against his mother. my soul is not like a weaned child within me. my only consolation is that i am in some little degree of misery over this rather than totally blind to it. everything i think and do, it seems, these days is judged as self-righteous by the conscience.
i am a bit, but not yet enough, like those in psalm 107 of whom it is said, 'there were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in misery and chains, because they had rebelled against the words of God and spurned the counsel of the Most High. therefore He humbled their heart with labor. they stumbled and there was none to help. then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and broke their bands apart. let them give thanks to the Lord for His loving kindness and for His wonders to the sons of men! for He has shattered gates of bronze and cut bars of iron asunder'. my prayer is that You would have mercy on me and forgive me and help me be the way i should.
the spring is beautiful. the daffodils are in full bloom, shirley's hiacinths are lovely and there are those single threadlike wisps full of tiny purple blossoms. the birds are singing and hopping about the lawn. no matter how bleak life can look at times to a manic-depressive personality, yet God, in His signature-kindness provides little hints on every side that He knows all, has everything in hand and ALL IS WELL... if only they can be seen. thank You Lord. open my eyes that i may see, glimpses of truth Thou hast for me. place in my hand the wonderful key, that shall unclasp and set me free. silently now i wait for Thee, (make me) ready my God Thy will to see. open my eyes. illumine me, Spirit divine.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
i write on saturday because tomorrow, being resurrection day, the library is closed and i am thus barred from communicating with you at that time. well...eddie after seven years and eight months rode off into the sunset yesterday morning to live in harrisonburg, va to take care of his aging parents who have increasing physical difficulties. we have prayed many times together and apart that God would lead him rightly and now He has. eddie has a peace which he has not had for a while. it will be great for the whole situation. WHAT A BLESSING! maybe he will even meet the one God has for him to love and marry. we will see.
have made some progress this week at 54. God provided a means, via jim greiser's truck to get a load of horse manure which i trust will be a blessing. was able to finish chopping out the stump in the front yard, extended the wall of the raised garden out about a foot or so and, in so doing, made the slate pieces straight again, turned and mulched the soil with the manure and planted,indoors, basil, tomatoes and peppers and outdoors about six different vegetables which i got through heirloomseedsacres.com. i also started to dig out the old broken water line that drains into the front street. today God has given a beautiful soaking rain to start things off. i had ordered an irrigation system from the same place but have not received it yet so i'll have to check on that. i hope to make some progress on unearthing the pipe this week. we'll see what God has in store. thursday evening i go to the poconos with jim yothers for a wild at heart conference. there is a bit of dissonance here in that i'm not much for what i perceive as rah-rah events, but felt led to go with jim...i don't have any clear reason why but am looking to the Lord to guide and use this time in some way for good.
shared last week a bit of what i have been experiencing as far as focus. an article by marvin olasky also helped me see myself a bit better. he writes, 'the parable of the prodigal son should have a plural in its name: sons. we all know of the younger brother's libertine living, but the elder brother has a more subtle problem: he is self-righteous and lacks joy.
part of the evangelical political problem in contemporary america is that much of the press and public sees us as elder brothers. sometimes we are that way in reaction to younger bothers. sometimes younger brothers go their way in reaction to us.
in higher education, younger brother colleges are party schools that profer sex and stimulants. some christian colleges try to avoid that by imposing tight rules in elder brother fashion. those rules may lead to external conformity rather than deep belief. both younger brother and elder brother colleges divert students from learning more about God.
in journalism, younger brother magaqines ranging from rolling stone to people sell a continuation of younger brother college life. elder brother reporters tend to be self -righteious fault-finders - and it' always someone else's fault. elder brother journalism lacks love compassion and a sense that all of us are in this mess together. christian publications that look only at sin among secularists can also be elder brothers.
in the realm of social justice', younger brothers want governmental redistribution so that evedryone, regardless of conduct, gets part of the national inheritance. some recipients of washington's largesse are widows and orphans, but others are younger brothers or sisters who should go home, but do not because government checks allow them to keep destroying themselves. elder brothers though, wax sarcastic about wastrels while they overlook the needy...the gay rights debate is another younger vs. elder brother combat zone. while covering manhattan's annual humongous gay pride parade, i didn't see any lip-locks except when the marchers observed a dozen souls from a church waving Bibles and screaming at them, 'you're going to hell, sodomite' or 'you're an abomination in the sight of God'. the presence of elder brothers allowed younger brothers to feel self-righteous..ironically, ranting reminders about sin provided the opportunity to forget about sin.
younger brothers who perceive self-righteousness or joylessness in their elders head toward mockery. on the comedy network, jon stewart is a snarkyh younger brother and stephen colbert pretends to be an elder as he parodies fox's tut-tutting bill o'reilly. elder brothers tend to forget that truth without love is like sodium with chloride: poison, not salt. what's rare on tv and in life are third brothers who, because they know deeply that the Father loves them, have love for and patience with both elder and youger brothers. third brothers, knowing they have been forgiven, are not prideful.
a third brother christian college helps students to see that all peple are made in the image of God and all people are sinners. because of that, beauty show up where we expect banality and evil emerges where we anticipate excellence...students become bilingual and bicultural, able to move in both christian and secular circles without ignoring the problems of the former or the knowledge generated in the latter, through common grace.
third brother journalism rises out of the history lecture in chapter seven of the book of acts: stephen, with neither an elder brother's pridefulness nor a younger brother's sarcasm, realistically emphasized the fallenness of his people and the holiness of God. he does not seek life's meaning in the formation of or adherence to a man-made religion that sets up a code of morality. third brother politics is also different. the founders fought for both liberty and virtue. elder brothers tend to forget the former, younger brothers the latter. third brothers know that we can never have enough laws to banish sin. they tell the truth, but do not rant at abortionists and gay rights activists. they control their tongues and lungs not because killing babies and killing marriage is right but because their goal is to change hearts. third brothers ask pointed questions and here are ones for each of us to answer. am i a younger, elder or third brother? can we through god's grace leave behind elder and younger brotherism?
i am much like the man, healed of blindness, when asked of Jesus, ' how do you see? , said, 'i see men as trees walking'. the man knew he had a problem but he still couldn't see correctly. may God have mercy on me and heal me in this area so i can see correctly. right now i am 180 degrees away from what david said in psalm 131 and, if honest, would write, 'oh Lord, my heart is proud and my eyes are haughty. i involve myself in great matters and in things too difficult for me. i have not composed and quieted my soul. a weaned child rests against his mother. my soul is not like a weaned child within me. my only consolation is that i am in some little degree of misery over this rather than totally blind to it. everything i think and do, it seems, these days is judged as self-righteous by the conscience.
i am a bit, but not yet enough, like those in psalm 107 of whom it is said, 'there were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in misery and chains, because they had rebelled against the words of God and spurned the counsel of the Most High. therefore He humbled their heart with labor. they stumbled and there was none to help. then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and broke their bands apart. let them give thanks to the Lord for His loving kindness and for His wonders to the sons of men! for He has shattered gates of bronze and cut bars of iron asunder'. my prayer is that You would have mercy on me and forgive me and help me be the way i should.
the spring is beautiful. the daffodils are in full bloom, shirley's hiacinths are lovely and there are those single threadlike wisps full of tiny purple blossoms. the birds are singing and hopping about the lawn. no matter how bleak life can look at times to a manic-depressive personality, yet God, in His signature-kindness provides little hints on every side that He knows all, has everything in hand and ALL IS WELL... if only they can be seen. thank You Lord. open my eyes that i may see, glimpses of truth Thou hast for me. place in my hand the wonderful key, that shall unclasp and set me free. silently now i wait for Thee, (make me) ready my God Thy will to see. open my eyes. illumine me, Spirit divine.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
Monday, April 6, 2009
4.6.09 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
had a new experience yesterday. was coming over to the library to write you and all the sudden had a check in spirit. decided to cast a lot and it said 'no'. i went home. needless to say, i was not happy at all. why? I LIKE TO 'TALK' TO YOU. God is trying to move to the place where what He wants comes first before what i want, no matter how 'good' it may seem. ouch! that really cuts cross grain to my flesh. to be quite honest, i was in quite a little funk and did not have to happy an evening. everytime i deny my flesh i find it extremely powerful. try it the next time you are really looking forward to doing something you want. deliberately don't do it and see what you experience. even worse is if you NEVER do it. that hurts and tends to create general interior mayhem.
just motored through quite a number of emails...most of them of a political nature...i checked them and then pressed the 'report spam' button. i hadn't been here since last sunday so there were a bunch and i moved them out of my life with a click. wow, that was satisfying. the lot i cast, 'should i continue to be involved in political issues?' clear cut a major time thing and source of much lack of peace by coming up 'no'. great! i no longer have to bear all the world's problems on my wafer-thin little shoulders. i know if that's the total end. i have a peace about casting lot on certain things that may come up in the future. if i repeatedly get 'no' them i might discontinue all such queries. i just sense that the 'no' received on the general question was an answer to prayer for guidance, for deliverance from the frenatia of the last eight months or so.
i am now wondering about the source of all that. the period was characterized by a marked lack of peace. my sense is that when there is a lack of peace there is unclear direction from God. if i was more mature spiritually i probably would have ceased all writing, all political activity and waited on the Lord. 'i wait for the Lord. my soul doth wait and in His word do i hope. my soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning, i say, more than they that watch for the morning!' this may be a favorite verse but it has yet to take hold as a part of my life. i am an action oriented, impetus person. hard to break ingrained patterns. the Lord seems to have given me eight months of anxiety in order to begin helping me to move away from 'what comes natural'. it is interesting that from time to time, 'fret not thyself because of evildoers' would come to me. my response was to pray that i wouldn't fret. it did not occur to ask the Lord, 'what about this fretting? it's obviously not Your will. what's going on? what's the block that seems to make it impossible not to fret? and wait for direction.
among a number of things i've been impressed by, the most powerful is the statement, 'do not resist him who does evil' (matthew 6:39) . as i meditated on that the first reaction was that it seemed absurd, especially when applied, say, to abortion. (by the way, as you perhaps are already well aware, not only am i a work in progress but so is my thinking as i seek to understand exactly what God is saying to me on particular issues.) ...here i am evidently instructed not only not to resist evil people but in not resisting seek to also bless them, if possible, in the process. it goes on in this vein when saying, 'if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. and whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two. give to him who asks of you and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you'. it comes to me that maybe one purpose of God in these 'insane' instructions might be to provide the world with an example of His miraculous power to totally provide, protect or release from this life the one who wholly trusts in Him.
but getting back to abortion or say, a government that steals private property with impunity..or..or..or. the list can seem very long these days to a person of my persuations about what is right and wrong....how do i understand isaiah 1.17 about defending the orphan etc. well, evidently i am instructed to defend the orphan as best i can without resisting..and, if possible, blessing, those who are responsible. wow. it still GRATES BADLY. but now i am becoming increasingly convinced that it grates my flesh and not the One who instructs me how to live. i am praying to truly submit myself completely to the One 'whose ways are higher than mine'... and i am experiencing genuine peace in a growing way as i leave injustice to Him who will judge. now i need to do all i can, or more accurately that which He desires, in the narrowed scope He allows me.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
just motored through quite a number of emails...most of them of a political nature...i checked them and then pressed the 'report spam' button. i hadn't been here since last sunday so there were a bunch and i moved them out of my life with a click. wow, that was satisfying. the lot i cast, 'should i continue to be involved in political issues?' clear cut a major time thing and source of much lack of peace by coming up 'no'. great! i no longer have to bear all the world's problems on my wafer-thin little shoulders. i know if that's the total end. i have a peace about casting lot on certain things that may come up in the future. if i repeatedly get 'no' them i might discontinue all such queries. i just sense that the 'no' received on the general question was an answer to prayer for guidance, for deliverance from the frenatia of the last eight months or so.
i am now wondering about the source of all that. the period was characterized by a marked lack of peace. my sense is that when there is a lack of peace there is unclear direction from God. if i was more mature spiritually i probably would have ceased all writing, all political activity and waited on the Lord. 'i wait for the Lord. my soul doth wait and in His word do i hope. my soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning, i say, more than they that watch for the morning!' this may be a favorite verse but it has yet to take hold as a part of my life. i am an action oriented, impetus person. hard to break ingrained patterns. the Lord seems to have given me eight months of anxiety in order to begin helping me to move away from 'what comes natural'. it is interesting that from time to time, 'fret not thyself because of evildoers' would come to me. my response was to pray that i wouldn't fret. it did not occur to ask the Lord, 'what about this fretting? it's obviously not Your will. what's going on? what's the block that seems to make it impossible not to fret? and wait for direction.
among a number of things i've been impressed by, the most powerful is the statement, 'do not resist him who does evil' (matthew 6:39) . as i meditated on that the first reaction was that it seemed absurd, especially when applied, say, to abortion. (by the way, as you perhaps are already well aware, not only am i a work in progress but so is my thinking as i seek to understand exactly what God is saying to me on particular issues.) ...here i am evidently instructed not only not to resist evil people but in not resisting seek to also bless them, if possible, in the process. it goes on in this vein when saying, 'if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. and whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two. give to him who asks of you and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you'. it comes to me that maybe one purpose of God in these 'insane' instructions might be to provide the world with an example of His miraculous power to totally provide, protect or release from this life the one who wholly trusts in Him.
but getting back to abortion or say, a government that steals private property with impunity..or..or..or. the list can seem very long these days to a person of my persuations about what is right and wrong....how do i understand isaiah 1.17 about defending the orphan etc. well, evidently i am instructed to defend the orphan as best i can without resisting..and, if possible, blessing, those who are responsible. wow. it still GRATES BADLY. but now i am becoming increasingly convinced that it grates my flesh and not the One who instructs me how to live. i am praying to truly submit myself completely to the One 'whose ways are higher than mine'... and i am experiencing genuine peace in a growing way as i leave injustice to Him who will judge. now i need to do all i can, or more accurately that which He desires, in the narrowed scope He allows me.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
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