well this has been a bit of a melancholy week. after seven years and eight months eddie has moved out. he will be living in virginia, helping his parents get their house in shape with a view to them transitioning to a local retirement home. God has graciously worked in this all and his family is greatly heartened, blessed and transformed by what he is doing. so there is a special glow about it all. my prayer is that he will buy a little gentleman's farm, provide for all his needs with his own hands and keep an eye on his parents in a situation where they have their own space. then when he gets married to another homesteading spirit and they start having children all three generations can cross pollinate! yea, you know me...the dreamer-idealist. but that is my wish. so much healing in that unreachable world...
eddie and i celebrated our last free evening together watching 'matrix' and then (for me) recovering by going to michael's restaurant for coffee and dessert and then home for a time of prayer. then i, coffee-saturated, stayed up the few hours that remained and read 'wild at heart' by john eldridge. then to warminster planned parenthood to pray and protest. just received word that it may not be long until people like myself will be considered domestic terrorists dangerous to our culture.
just talked with tom and judy leidy this am at church and heard of a trip to jordan where they experienced an amazingly different 'picture' of muslims. jordan is 96 % muslim yet they allow the US to transport war things into iraq from their country. it was amazing to see how honest, sober (no alcohol), chaste and family oriented the local populace was. they went to one park where they estimated 20,000 people were there with their families-all very kind and friendly etc. it made me realize again how we are fed a certain very limited slant to what goes on in the world. 'news' has nothing to do with openness and truth but is just one more product designed for consumption based upon an agenda. i'll get off the soap box.
last two days a sudden spike into the 90s and for the first time since i can remember i am not cold. as i recently thought of what another prolifer shared with me this winter about taking off my gloves and put my hands where my legs could warm them this heart-warming analogy came to mind. just as my frozen hands, made that way by gloves, are warmed deliciously by my legs in the coldest weather, so my soul, always sinful despite my many attempts and devices, is forgiven and healed again and again by You. thank You.
found two more ways to economize. saved $83 on home insurance by moving the deductible from $1000 to $2500. next year hopefully i'll take another baby step toward no insurance by going to a $5000 deductible. that will bring it to just over $100 for the year. also i discovered ounce for ounce that it is 2/3rds less expensive to buy brown organic eggs in a third small egg flat than to by the same as jumbos in a 12-pack. also have enjoyed dandylion greens in my salad this week after picking a huge bagfull off the back lawn.
came across something in the voice of the martyrs publication that shared a process that has helped many who have been traumatized by lethal violence done to spouses or other members of their families. the process is:
1. spend time focusing on Jesus' presence
2. recall the moment of trauma
3. purposefully invite Jesus into that moment
4. give Jesus the pain and ask for His direction
5. commit to doing what Jesus directs
VOM reports that many are transformed.
my ongoing question concerning marriage once again had an interesting input when another man at the wild at heart retreat became the first human being to validate what i did in reference to mom. he and his wife got married on an uncertain foundation much like mom and i. they too have a great amount of conflict. i shared that i worked my hands to the bone to try to stay out of debt and meet the needs of the family, but the more i made the faster it went out...and, to boot, i got the distinct impression, although mom -from where she was coming from economically- was truly amazing in her patience and restraint, was more and more aware that i would never come close to meeting her expectations financially. although we lived royally juxtaposed to my upbringing, we were and would always be slumming it juxtaposed to hers. it came slowly but i realized that i was created to live a life that had nothing to do with a focus on money and things but with the non-material world. here i was, my life passing by, focused wholly on earning money. then came the defining moment when i put my foot down and said, 'i will pay the mortgage, the utilities, the food and a modest amount for clothing but that is it. i had done everything from regularly eating all the food left by the family to living out of the trash cans at landis market etc. to economize and was at the end. no more would i pay for more than just necessities. mom freaked and the meltdown began. when i had finished sharing this with pete, he looked at me and said, AMAZINGLY, 'steve, you did the right thing!!! you set limits just like i'm setting limits which my wife is going ballistic over. you did the right thing.' now granted here are two sinners talking...but it got me thinking about the other side of the coin again. just like in I cor. 7 where believers are admonished to stay with unbelievers, but to allow them to depart if they want...that was exactly how i originally viewed the whole thing. i was not any longer going to allow another person to cause me to live in violation to my conscience. when God highlighted matthew 5:32 recently i saw the other. in matthew i 'saw' that i forced mom to divorce by taking my inflexible stand on this and other issues. but the other side is that mom chose to leave...it is all very confusing after talking with pete for all the memories came flooding back. my lousy memory is a handicap. so yea...i don't know, i just don't really know. you are always talking about two sinners not one...but you are talking about sin. if any of you would want to share your thoughts it might be a real help in enabling me to remember in cases or to 'see' something i haven't yet seen. gotta go. have a good week. love, dad
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