it is monday am and i am sitting in the library with five days of stubble on my face and wearing a sweatshirt that reeks somewhere between a forrest fire and back yard barbeque from standing around bondfires until all hours of the morning. i drank more coffee than i have collectively for probably the last several years. this is the men's retreat i was told about by jim yothers on the block. it is based on the book 'wild at heart' and put on by a group of five men who have been meeting for the last six years most every week. i would find it very hard to express what i experienced, not so much in the outside world but in the inner.
i went with the distinct impression that although i had gone 'to support jimmy in his walk with the God' that there may be something there that God has for me. i'm just beginning to process but, at this point, it looks like both may turn out to be true. i can't really articulate...and in a sense have no desire to articulate at this point what happened. one thing i may venture is that what God has been teaching me through nee may be beginning to be internalized. pre-nee i would probably be wildly thrashing around in the inner and outer world making all kinds of premature and rash inward and outward statements and actions. instead there is a cautionary to do or say little or nothing and just take the whole thing to God for His leading step by step. i would sincerely invite you to plan to join me next year (maybe i can get a special dispensation for you kate :)
i'll just say that there are all kinds of hard things that i have avoided for as long as i can remember...hard things in the billions of little choices i have made that have largely shaped who i am at this point and the path my life has taken so far...hard things in bigger arenas that i have avoided. the retreat was focused on regaining lost masculinity which i think i need very badly to do.
i'll leave it go at that for now. hope you have a good week. love, dad
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