i thank God for nate and jen inviting me into their home. for quite a while i had difficulty transferring into the world of grandfather. rather than cooing, ahhhing, smothering i took the true patriarchal position that if the child is to SEE ME, he will be presented to me in my own home!!!! i am such a royal goofball. most of the thoughts and ideas i have apart from those God has so far patiently HAMMERED into the proper form are bizarre and ridiculous...something that anyone who has had to relate to me is very well aware of already. anyway, i am amazed at what God is doing through this weekly visit right after church on sunday. it is the Lord pouring oil and wine into some deep wounds. (i can't wait to see Him when i get 100% healed and my sin-riddled/diseased soul drops away forever. AHHHHH, just like diving into deliciously refreshing water when oppressed by strength-draining fatigue and exhaustion...only billions of times better.) i think silas actually remembers me and always greets me with a sweet, wide smile and dancing eyes. another of the multitude of good gifts i don't deserve. thank you nate and jen for inviting me in...maybe God will give me some opportunity to be to my grandson what i never, ungodly, was to my children.
this week i continued to wage war against things that other people have no problem with. in particular i am continuing to have a battle royal just to do the 7 daily duties and this is set in the context of warring to 'seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness AND BELIEVE THAT all the needs necessary for life will be provided. as no work has come in in a while i am thinking more and more about fixing the house up and renting it and then renting a room somewhere and trying to living off the house rental income. probably another quixotic scheme but i am, on wobbling knees, attempting to walk in that direction. i am scared to death to put the question to the lot because then i would have to really trust the Lord if the answer was no. next year, in the original thot, is limited to10 hours per week and then no income after that. i don't know...but anyway, on the outside i am leading a more and more restricted, boring life but inside there is a titanic, ongoing battle going on in the struggle to establish what might be called the infrastructure of my soul summed up in the dictum : ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU SHOULD BEFORE YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT. my whole life has been summed up largely by the latter half and to break the back of that lifelong habit is a killer. it has made me so aware of how important it is for: 1) parents to do that 2) to guide their children into that. if one is happening two may only involve a tweek here or there. character, i would say, is rather caught than taught. thank God for mom, is all i can say. she habitually lived this way and you...and i (i don't know where i would be without her example in this!) have benefitted. so i warred on this week. progress is slow but progress is definitely being made. its amazing to think what a person can achieve for God if he is mastered rather than going about having to always do whatever he wants.
it is now monday evening. last week while working on cleaning up the basement i listened to the bondage breaker written by neil anderson. God's up to something because He is leading me to strong teaching about demonization of people who profess to be christian. i certainly am aware of the activity of the evil spirit in my life but little is said about this publicly that i am aware of. nee, wild at heart men's retreat and its sponsoring church, harvest community fellowship and now neil anderson's book. i've listened to it twice this week. now i need to internalize and apply what i am learning.
haven't worked for 6.5 weeks so my weekly hourly average has plummeted to just over 11 hours a week. it's been raining a lot lately but several small jobs await when dry weather reappears. also just received a call from someone inquiring about a room. so i'm deep in prayer that God would clearly lead by open or shut doors in this.
read about a pastor in california who was harassed by a planned parenthood for his standing quietly outside with a Jesus-loves-you-and-your-baby-let-us-help poster and asking women entering for permission to speak with them about abortion alternatives and offering literature detailing such. he refused a plea bargain which would have kept him away from the center, so he served 30 days in jail. while in he had a conversation with an 18 year old man (30 men were sleeping in the same area) whose 'woman' had aborted their baby which he reported as follows - it was her choice to abort..yes i know that ,but what did you do? did you offer to marry her?..no..did you offer to help her raise the child?..no..did you tell her you love her and that you were going to go the distance with her as a man should, even if she decided to give child up for adoption?..no..no one ever told me what an abortion is. no one ever made it plain (started to cry)...God can forgive you... when others in the cell mouthed pro-choice slogans he said,'but when i forced them to complete the sentence,"i believe that a woman has a right to choose to kill an innocent life" they couldn't do it'.
regarding my feverish unrest about all that's going on, read this statement, which resonated, made by michael cromartie who is currently a member of the US commission on international religious freedom..'because of reading augustine i have a chastened view of politics which is that we live in two kingdoms. we are to bring approximate justice to basically insoluble problems. that's reinhold neibuhr, having read augustine: because the world is fallen, because it is decayed..we will never bring in any kind of utopia. that's a warning to people on the right and on the left'.
it's interesting. everytime i cast the lot on a question of rebuking someone it comes up no. today i got yes on 'asking questions' and 'tell what i am thinking and doing' but consistent no on the other. is God telling me i have an especially virulent 'i-have-a-log-in-the-eye' disease? i don't know but He may be hinting in that direction.
to anyone who happens to read this, i extend an invitation to respond (at stephen.paine@gmail.com) to the following questions. i'm currently reading wild at heart. at this point in the book the author is talking about how we men (probably women too) are all posers...deathly afraid of showing our real selves and he invites the reader to accept God's invitation to leave all you rely upon and venture out with Him. he says we can do this proactively on our own or wait for God to bring the imposter/false self down in His own time. he then says what i was thinking - you have no clue what your false self is? ask those who know you:
1. what is my effect upon You?
2. what am i like to live (work) with?
3. what DON'T you feel free to bring up with me?
so...please...be honest with me. i will be everlastingly grateful, for you see i can't see myself.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
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