my life proceeds peacefully, uneventfully in the outer world, but inwardly i am numb, in deep trauma spiritually. i've given up things, but i have not yet given myself completely to God.
last night at spanish church a person was preaching about God being high and lifted up, about God reaching down to the humble and broken. he had us turn to maybe as many as 50 passages to read, again and again, in various words this message. he cried..i think genuinely. the people, usually very vocal and, at times, boisterous, fell into a hush toward the end. he preached and then he appealed as if he were desperate. he used the word, desesperacion, at least twice that i heard and he appeared desperate. even in my spiritually comatose state i remember the thought something like,
'how i wish i had what he has
...but my heart seems to be dead. i do all the activities of living, spending time with God, even talking to God and about God and 'worshipping' God...but it's all done in a drugged state..inwardly. i live out my days this way now.
in spite of this, i was moved enough to take time when i came home to read the articles in the church paper
the first had the head line,
'to pray is to talk with God
it is for everyone and not only a few
you don't need words pretty or complicated.
we can all pray
the article finished with:
'God gives you this promise today:
'cry out to Me and I will answer you
and teach you things great y ocultas (this word got my attention. it means 'hidden') that you do not know
my mind went to what i have said to God many times in recent days,
'what is wrong?!
and i get no light.
then the thought came again (it comes every once in a great while.),
i haven't given myself to You. (He wants all, with nothing left over for anything or anyone else.)
the inside article was titled
there is nothing more discussed and less practiced than prayer..and starts
we like to talk about it.
we like to preach about it.
and we like to study it
i speak of prayer..
we know that there is..power in prayer.
it is the key that opens the heavens in order that power and blessing may come down...
the prayer of the righteous..does much...(that leaves me out. i cannot be righteous and refuse to give myself 100% to Him ...can i? ...i desperately want some control.)
the article ends,
dare to pray (in my case, dare to repent, give myself...and then pray)
you will see how your life will change!
the devil will try to dishearten you because he doesn't want you to discover the power of prayer.
what are you going to do?
9.29.2012 addition....i don't know what i'm going to do? salvation is of the Lord. this morning woke up to a fierce battle which raged nearly eight hours. salvation is not just intellectually agreeing with what God says..the proof of genuine belief is in the doing, is it not!?
'not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord will enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of his father who is in heaven...i quebrantado (broken), i have desesperacion (desperation) in my heart and spirit but is still lack that deep inner assurance...i continue to cry to You Lord..only You can save me.
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