today i was working along in a house and doing my painting duties alone...and then, suddenly, i stood transfixed before a piece of art. i don't know how long i stood there lost in that portrait. it was someone i once knew intimately..now a relative stranger. at least i thought so. i saw so many things looking into those eyes, that face. i take it as a sort of epiphany for i think God not only had me stand and stare and think, but He poured out indescribable things all over my brain which seeped down into my being. i went to get a pad and i wrote and looked and...left, i think, a God-changed person. He opened to my...no, He opened my heart..He changed the way i see. i now see this person as i once long ago, in the secret recesses of my heart, saw them. i am still in wonder as my heart is being covered with fast running tendrils of preciousness and sweetness and freshness flowering... impossible to communicate. i will watch and wait and see what comes of this new heart which is beyond any imagination i could have had. my heart was dead, rotted, opaque to this and now...does it, is it really..bursting with soaring life? it could just be an emotional thing. Lord, all things are possible with You.
from the notebook...speaking to the person whose soul i am swimming in as i look at the likeness on the wall - 'my prayer for you is that the only one who can make you a broken whole will find you...that He will unite us as two broken wholes, deep friends, made one in Him. portrait staring out at me: fear, need, shattered, broken...inside.. (outside) still determinately soldiering on despite the shattering experience of being a child alone (though He did give you different side angles of Himself in you father (or was the 'respect transmorgrated
(to change or alter often with humorous or-in this case-grotesque effect)
into a lust for a deeper, more profound connection..oedipal?..but disappointed..He in na and po..but they left you)..an object..for the use or sexual abuse of others (...there you lie prone trying somehow to soak 'love' in..that was your first experience of it, was it not?)...then the disappointment of me..i didn't become my namesake in the world, a man respected among men..doing respectable things. profound disappointment..never finding love. then m..he, at last, is the answer!..no...like the little red hen you plunge over into accomplishment...you will do it yourself and you will find, at last, something that satisfies, that is enough...CONQUERING, CONTROLLING, SHAPING, ACCOMPLISHING...you will never eat cat food..you will NEVER...profoundly alone! but wait...has the blush of a glorious dawn taken the worst tinges off the DEEP, FROZEN WITHIN...we shall see! nothing is impossible. the eyes of my soul are opened. there..hanging on the wall is the you that first deeply attracted my heart to you...NEEDY..searching for love in bed with a nice guy at cornell...then both you and i lost our way in my privately cultured sexual lust..into the Garden...shut out by the flaming sword! forever? my heart's prayer asks for a 'no'...i am needy and sinful, clinging only to You. Lord, if it be Your will recreate that heart in this needy one. make our love for each other, founded-now-upon Your love for each one..for us two, rise like a phoenix
(a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the arabian wilderness, to burn itself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live...often an emblem..in this case..of reborn hope)
from the ashes of my sin, so that You will shine in the wonder and amazement of:
something rotted and dead, what?!..gloriously living, breathing, showing You to everyone around...a mini picture of Your inconceivable love to a sinner such as i..and to every sinner who beholds. (no response necessary) just needed to share some of the amazing things that are flowing within in this moment when time has stopped and i..transformed (we will see..) (no response desire..ie. I'm not expecting any response)...reaction to n..tristeza profunda at the specter of a lost soul, profoundly alone..is this soul doomed forever to seek satisfaction (ie. 'love') where it can't be found!...O Lord God, You who sees and knows all, only You...
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