yesterday i shared a bit of my experience recently with 'consecration'..you know 'everything for God and nothing for me'. i had to laugh. i was not long into my tale and he began interjecting his reaction. he said, almost exactly, all the things satan had said as he stood on my shoulder and whispered sweet nothings about it in my ear. it probably won't last long. my good .50 invested in gary larsen's 'far side' humor now lies in the recycling center at waste management though. amazing! i haven't been to the periodical reading room at the library where i used to voraciously devour sports info! God did it, not me..that's all i can say. but you wait. next week, satan willing i will have gone through at least 2 gallons of ice cream by then and drunk..and sucked again on the few bitter dregs of this world offers. he also waves in front of me the picture of soon laughing with my pastor friend about the 'over the top' insanity of thinking God would lead anyone to be so stupid and weird as to give up everything else but Him.
i'll look back on this little speed bump on the way to hell as a near encounter with the psychiatric hospital...but i just though ..but i just thought that the old nagging emptiness that insanely thinks to be 'filled' with anything but Him will have become a broken down shack of a refuge in an empty, meaningless world in which i have relegated God back to a part time, whenever-i-can-fit-Him-in basis rather than the source and end of all i am and do.
i know one thing, as crazy as it seems, that i'm thinking i'll never really be satisfied when He does not completely fill all...but it's insane really! ask anyone..ask a hundred, a thousand, a million, 'how would you like to live a life in which you never do what you want but only what God wants?' the more you ask, the more you will know you are crazy to even consider such an asinine thing!
i can't 'do' consecration. help me Lord. i'm soon...any moment...going to crash and burn. i can't hold on to You this way..doing everything You want and nothing else. i'm too weak. it's either 100% You and the deepest, most complete contentment i've ever known (along with being considered weird, insane, over the edge by all the human beings around me...as they start to realize what's going on )...or it is settling for deep poverty, palpable meaninglessness, wretchedly gumming the 'sweet dregs' of everyone and everything other than You...and settling, in the bargain, for the soul numbing/destroying pain of doing the stupid (characterized by, indicative of, or proceeding from mental (in this case, spiritual) dullness; foolish, senseless)-from an eternal perspective-things i wanna do.
the choice looms before me:
be dismissed as insane or
read and obey the 'how to be your own selfish pig' manual.
i'm so afraid i will choose the easy...
how incredibly much i fear and hate being laughed at and scorned by earthlings.
help me
have mercy on my poor, wretched soul, Lord Jesus
jeremiah 2.13-
'My people have committed two evils
they have forsaken Me,
the fountain of living waters,
to hew for themselves cisterns
broken cisterns
that can hold no water.
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