1.1-15 this time have had bitters (of a family kind) mingled with my soul. much cause complain of want of spirituality, and really have not had time to write my diary, having between 4 and 500 mens labour to direct - on the Lord's days i have preached to the natives in the surrounding villages, and i hope not without some good effect. the mussulmen of one village having appeared much struck with the word, and promised to cast off their superstition; past Lord's day they continued in the same resolution were joined in it by several others who had not heart the word before..
1.16 had much to struggle with outwardly, and inwardly have great reason to complain that there are not more and stronger struggles. o that i was but more in the Spirit of Christ this would make sin a burden to me, and earthly things light, but i am a poor unfeeling, ungrateful wretch towards God; and much under the deception of living to myself, yet i know that this is diametrically opposite to the Spirit of Christ.
1.22 i have continual reason to complain on account of the barrenness of my soul towards God, surely no one who has received such uncommon favours, can be so ungrateful as myself. i have need of more spiritual life, and a more evangelical turn of mind. i want true faith, and in a great degree and i have great need of an aptness, or readiness to teach; indeed i always was very defective in this and now i need more of this spirit than ever i did in my life; i have often thought;, on this very account that i never was fit for the gospel ministry, but how much less fit for the work of a missionary among the heathens. o may God give me his Holy Spirit to furnish me for every good work.
1.23 still barren, o if i did but see and feel anything, better feel the severest pangs of Spirit on this side of hell, than live from one day to another in this most wretched unfeeling state; if i felt the weight of sin; shame for it, resolution against it, or anything else it would be much better than the miserable state that i now am in, 'o Lord i beseech thee deliver my soul'.
1.24 i can only look upon myself as a poor barren idle soul. i feel nothing scarce, i scarcely do any thing. i fear the world has laid hold of my heart; i need a humble spirit and an activity of mind to which now i am almost a total stranger.
1.25 i bless God for some little revival of soul and pleasure in the work of god. this was the day for the worship of sorosaudi (sarasvati?), the patroness of literature, one was prepared near the place where i live; and in the morning was enabled to speak feelingly to 2 or 3 people about the sinfulness of idolatry; and was determined to go and preach to them in the evening when the offering would be at height;
i accordingly went, and after asking what that thing was; the brahman who attended the offering said it was God;
i said pray did that make men or men make that. he confessed that it was made by men,
i then asked him how many gods there were; he said one;
i enquired who made the world, he said birmmha (brahma?)
i asked whether he was god; he said yes
then said i there may be a lack or 100.000 gods at this rate; he then said that he did according to his faith; and that the shastra commanded this.
i enquired what shastra? he said the bee accoran,
i said that shastra is only a sanskrit grammar, and commands no such thing;
have you read it? he acknowledged that he had not;
then said i , you can have no faith about the matter for faith is believing some words, but this thing cannot speak; and the shastra you have never read; he then said that it was the custom of the country;
said i, are all the customs of this country good?
and said i, it is common custom in this country to tell lies, so that you will not find one man in a 1000 but make lying his constant practice,
is this a good custom?
is whoredom a good custom? he was quite stunned with this; but presently said that his ancestors had always done so;
i enquired whether there were an heaven and an hell. he said yes;
then said i how do you know but they are gone to hell? he enquired why God sent the shastras if they were not to be observed.
i answered how do you know that God sent the hindu shastras, did he send the mussulmen's koran also? he answered that God had created both hindus and mussulmen, and had given them different ways to life.
i said then God could neither be wise nor unchangeable to do so, and that all such foolish worship was unworthy of either God or men.
i then took an opportunity of pointing out the justice of God, and the gospel way of salvation by Christ, and then interested the people to cast away those fooleries and seek pardon through the blood of Christ;
for said i. you see your brahman is dumb, he can say nothing; if he can defend his cause let him speak now, but you can hear that he cannot tell whether this thing is God, or man, or woman or tyger or jackall-
i felt a sweetness, and a great affection for them in my own soul, and was enabled to speak from the heart, and God assisted me much, so that i spoke in bengali for near half an hour without intermission, so as to be understood, and much more than ever before, blessed be God for this assistance; o that i may see the good fruit of it and that God may bless it for their eternal good; a
as to the people they care just as much for their idol, as carnal men in england do for Christ at christmas, a good feast, and a holiday is all in all with them both..
1.26 had some longing of soul for the conversion of the poor natives, and an opportunity of discoursing to some of them upon the danger of their state, and the evil of their practices, but was in my own soul barren, and had little communion with God; consequently but little of the enjoyment of true godliness.
1.27 some little enjoyment in prayer; i feel it a blessed thing to feel the plague of my own heart, and my spiritual wants in any measure, than it is a pleasing tho a melting and sorrowful enjoyment to pour out the soul to God. o that i had this spirit of prayer at all times but alas. i soon loose all that is good.
1.28 much engaged in writing having begun to write europe letters, but having received none. i feel that hope deferred makes the heart sick; however i am so fully satisfied with the firmness of their friendship that i feel a sweet pleasure in writing to them, tho rather of a forlorn kind, and having nothing but myself to write about feel the awkwardness of being an egotist. i feel a social spirit tho barred from society.
2.2 had a miserable day, sorely harassed from without, and very cold and dead in my soul. i could bear all outward trials if i had but more of the spirit of God.
2.4 i don't love to be always complaining - yet i always complain. i believe my fault is this - magnifying every trouble and forgetting the multitude of mercies that i am daily loaded with..
2.6 i sometimes walk in my garden and try to pray to God, and if i pray at all, it is in the solitude of a walk; i thought my soul a little drawn out to day, but soon gross darkness returned; spoke a word or 2 to a mohammedan upon the things of God, but i feel as bad as they.
2.7 o that this day could be consigned to oblivion, what a mixture of impatience, carelessness, forgetfulness of God, pride, and peevishness have i felt this day - God forgive me
2.8..went to a village called maddabatty to preach to the natives, but found very few. i felt much for them, but had not the freedom i wished; yet i know God can bless a weak attempt..
2.9-14 i cannot say anything this week except proclaim my own shame, i think that it is a wonder indeed that the goodness of god endureth yet daily..
2.15 this day had some little reviving. preached in the evening to a pretty large assembly of the natives, but when i told them of the immortality of the soul they said they had never heard of that before this day. they told me they wanted instruction and desired me to instruct them upon the Lord's days
2.16 had some little continuance of yesterday's frame - i ardently wish for the conversion of the heathens, and long for more frequent opportunities of addressing them, but their poverty requires them to labour from sunrise to sunset - i have opportunities of privately instructing them very frequently. o may i never want an heart.
2.17 i have to complain of abundance of pride; which i find it necessary to oppose, (and the more as my wife is always blaming me for putting myself on a level with the natives) i have much to conflict with on this score both without and within. i need the united prayers of all the people of God, and o that i had but the spirit to pray more for myself.
2.19 have reason to be thankful for any degree of enjoyment of God. my soul is so much swallowed up in its own indolence and stupidity that i have scarcely any enjoyment of divine things or sense of my own necessities, but from day to day the state of my soul is exceeding forlorn but to day i felt rather more inclined to God and heavenly things, all this light however was only like the peeping out of the sun for a minute or 2 in very rainy weather and soon i felt my gloom return.
2.22 ..in the afternoon i was much cheered by a considerable number of natives coming for instruction and i endeavored to discourse with them about divine things,
i told them that all men were sinners against God.
and that God was strictly just, and of purer eyes than to approve of sin.
i endeavored to press this point, and to ask how they could possibly be saved if this was the case.
i tried to explain to them the nature of heaven and hell, and told them that except our sins were pardoned we must go to hell.
(they said that would be like the prisoners in dinajpur jail - i said , no, for in prison only the body could be afflicted, but in hell, the soul; that in a year or two a prisoner would be released but never freed from hell, that death would release them fro prison, but in hell they would never die;)
i then told them how God sent his son, to save sinners, that he came to save them fro sin, and that he died in sinner's stead, and that whosoever believed on him would obtain everlasting life, and would become holy. they said they were all pleased with this; but wished to know what sin and holiness are.
i told them that there were sins of the heart, the tongue, and the actions, but as a fountain cast out its waters, so all sin had its source from the heart; and that
not to think of God,
not to wish to do his will,
not to regard his word;
and also pride, covetousness, envy etc were great sins, and that
evil and abusive language was very sinful, that
not to be strictly upright in their dealings, was very sinful;
i told them that God was under no obligation to save any man, and
that it was no use to make offerings to God to obtain pardon of sin, for God had no need of goats kids, sheep, etc, for all these are his at all times, and that
if God forgave them it must be from his own will
but that he was willing to save for the sake of Jesus Christ.
after this part of the 5th chapter of matthew was read by munshi, and explained to them, and they went away, promising to return next Lord's day - and my spirits were much revived.
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