6.30 ..spent the day in reading and prayer; found some sweet devotedness to God towards evening..found myself desirous of being entirely devoted to God and disposed of by him just as he pleases; i felt likewise much concern for the success of the gospel among the heathens..
7.1-3..i have been on these evenings much drawn out in prayer..at present i know not of any success, since i have been here. many say that the gospel is the word of truth, but they abound so much in flattery and encomium which are mere words of course; that little can be said respecting their sincerity - the very common sins of lying and avarice are so universal also that no european who has not witnessed it, can form any idea of their various appearances; they will stoop to any thing whatsoever to get a few cowries and lie on every occasion..
7.4 rather more flat and dead, perhaps owing to the excessive heat..i was necessitated to be out in it from morning till evening giving necessary directions; felt very much fatigued indeed and had no spirits left in the evening - and in prayer was very barren.
7.6 very flat and carnal today; endeavored to attend to something like public worship, but was almost alone. i had appointed to attempt the instruction of the laborers today, but they had all made some appointment to go to their families..
7.7 busy all day, but rather more inclined to contemplate spiritual things; this evening were enabled to plead a little with God for the heathens, but it was so flat, and destitute of strong crying and tears that it scarcely deserves the name of prayer..
7.8..very shockingly lifeless all the day in the things of God.
7.9-8.4 ..we saw a basket hung in a tree in which an infant had been exposed; the skull remained the rest having been devoured by ants...
8.16-24 nothing worth recording passed, i feel too much sameness to be spiritual - if i was in a more spiritual frame, the holy war would be carried on in my soul with greater vigour, and the fresh discoveries of sin would cause new hopes, new fear, and new struggles, but when i am at ease, tis like a calm at sea, where there is a contrary current. i not only get no ground but am insensibly carried back.
..the workmen who have built the works came to me and said that, as i was to begin making indigo tomorrow, it was much their wish that i would make an offering to kali the goddess of destruction, that i might have success in the work; the kali is the most devil-like figure that can be thought of; she stands upon a dead man, her girdle is strung with small figures of human skulls, like beads upon a bracelet, she has 4 arms, and her tongue hangs out of her mouth below her chin; and in short a more horrible figure can scarcely be conceived; i took the opportunity of remonstrating with them upon the wickedness and folly of idolatry and set my face as much as possible against their making any offering at all, and told them that i would rather lose my life than sacrifice to their idol; that God was much displeased with them for their idolatry, and exhorted them to leave it and turn to the true God; but i had the mortification of seeing the next day that they had been offering a kid, yet i doubt not but i shall soon see some of these people brot from darkness to the marvelous light of the gospel.
8.25..had some sweet wrestling and freedom with God in prayer; these seasons are but of short duration, but they are little foretastes of heaven - o may God continue them long, and frequently thus visit my soul.
8.28-30 nothing of any importance except to my shame, a prevalence of carnality, negligence , and spiritual deadness; no heart for private duties, indeed everything seems to be going to decay in my soul, and i almost despair of being any use to the heathen at all.
9.1 - 10.11 during this time i have had a heavy and long affliction; having been taken with a violent fever, one of the paroxysms continued for 26 hours without intermission when providentially mr. udney came to visit us, not knowing that i was ill, and brought a bottle of bark with him; this was a great providence, as i was growing worse every day. but the use of this medicine by the blessing of God recovered me; but in about 10 days i relapsed agin, and the fever was amended with a violent vomiting and a dysentery; and even now i am very ill. my thomas says with some of the very worst symptoms.
on the last of these days it pleased God to remove by death my youngest child but one, a fine engaging boy of rather more than 5 years of age; he had been seized with a fever and was recovering, but relapsed and a violent dysentery carried him off; on the same day we were obliged to bury him, which was an exceeding difficult thing; i could induce no person to make a coffin; tho 2 carpenters are constantly employed by us, at the works; 4 mussulmen, to keep each other in countenance dug a grave; but tho we had between 2 and 300 labourers employed, no man would carry him to the grave; we sent 7 or 8 miles to get a person to do that office, and i concluded that i and my wife would do it ourselves, when at last our own (servant)..and a boy who had lost cast, were prevailed upon to carry the corpse; and secure the grave from the jackalls, -
this was not owing to any disrespect in the natives towards us, but only to the cursed caste; the hindus burn their dead, or throw them into the rivers to be devoured by birds, and fishes, and the mussulmen inhume their dead, but this is only done by their nearest relations, and so much do they abhor every thing belonging to a corpse, that the bamboos on which they carry their dead to the water, or the grave, are never touched, or burnt, but stand in the place and rot; and if they only tread upon a grave, they are polluted,and never fail to wash after it.
during this affliction my frames were various; at some seasons i enjoyed sweet seasons of self examination, and prayer as i lay upon my bed; many hours together i sweetly spent in contemplating subjects for preaching, and in musing over discourses in bengali; and when my animal spirits were somewhat raised by thefever, i found myself able to reason, and discourse in bengali for some hours together, and words and phrases occurred much more readily than when i was in health;
when my dear child was ill, i was enabled to attend upon him night and day, (tho very dangerously ill myself) without much fatigue; and now i bless God that i feel a sweet resignation to the will of God; i know that he has wise ends to answer in all that he does, and that what he does is best; and if his great, and wise designs are accomplished, what does it signify if a poor worm feels a little inconveniency, and pain, who deserves hell for his sins.
10.13 this day every disagreeable circumstance turned up; tho the mussulmen have no cast, yet they have imperceptibly adopted the hindu's notions about a caste, and look upon themselves as a distinct one, in consequence of this they will neith eat nor drink with any but mussulmen; in consequence of the 4 men above mentioned digging the grave for my poor child, the mundul (that is the principal person in the village, who rents immediately under the rajah, and lets lands, and houses to the other people in the place;) forbid every person in the village to eat, drink, or smoke tobacco with them and their families, so that they were supposed to have lost caste.
the poor men came to me full of distress, and told their story; mr. thomas being with me, we sent for the principal mussulmen in the neighborhood and enquired whether they though thses men had done anything amiss; and they all said no. then we sent 2 hirearrahs to call the mundul who had forbid the people to have any intercourse with them; but with secret orders to bring him by force if he refused to come; he soon came however, and then said that they had done no fault, and that he would smoke but not eat with them: as we know it to be a piece of spite and a trick to get $ we therefore placed 2 guards over him, and told him that he must either eat and drink with the men, before the men of his own village, or stay here till we had sent 4 men to kinajpur to the judge, about the matter. he stuck out however till about dinner time, when being hungry he thought fit to alter his terms; and of his own accord wrote and signed a paper purporting that the men were innocent and he a guilty person; he then went away and gave them a dinner, and eat and drank with them in the presence of the people of the village, and persons whom we had sent to witness to it; thus ended this troublesome affair, which might also have proved a very expensive one, if it had not ended thus; i feel these things, but blessed be God, i am resigned to his will, and that makes me easy under all.
10.14-20 very ill and scarce able to crawl about, but supported thro all by the upholding hand of a gracious God - mr. udney having for some time past designed to settle me in a more healthy spot, this having proved remarkably unhealthy, had projected a journey towards tibet for me and mr. thomas. this was designed in part for my health, and in part to seek for a more eligible spot for new works; accordingly i set out (the 20th) in mr udney's pinnace with my family up the tanguan river, but so weak and poorly that i could scarcely hold up my head; i felt however secret drawings of soul after God, and a desire to be directed by him in all things.
10.23 proceeded on our journey but very weak; yet was something recovered; my frame far from being spiritual.
10.26 kept the sabbath at sadamahl had a pleasant morning but very unfeeling and barren the remaining part of the day, o what a wilderness is my experience. sometimes when i should most expect light, love and the image of God to abound in me; i feel dead, barren, and dark - and onthe contrary, sometimes light arises when darkness was most expected.10.31 ..this has been a somewhat more profitable day than many heretofore. i feel that God is my portion, and when i feel that i desire no other; o that he would give me grace to live to his glory, and spend my strength in his service; and if i could but always view his excellency, and all sufficiency, then his work must be delightful and pleasant, and all suffering for his sake easy.
11.3,4 ..(carey expresses the continuing difficulty he has in understanding and making himself understood)..the thread of the discourse is broken, and rendered unintelligible to me in a great measure - may God give me wisdom and aspiritof application till all these difficulties are overcome.
11.23..in the afternoon tried to preach to the people who were with me, but could not even fix their attention. they seemed shockingly unconcerned, and were all the time going about upon the objects about them; was grieved with their inattention; yet felt a pleasure that i had addressed them upon the great concerns of another world; besides i know that God can bless that which we are most wretched in delivering, and which is the weakest attempt.
11.24-30 during these days i had some sweet seasons of prayer to, and wrestling with God; having no one to speak to, and many hours in which no business could be done, i found myself quite retired, and my soul often drawn out; i was enabled to be instant for the success of my ministry among the heathen, for the success of my colleague; and for all my dear friends in england, who be very near my heart, especially the church at leicester, and the baptist society; i was much engaged for many of them by name, and was affected much with what might be their probable situations, both spiritual and temporal; (carey, i believe was still to have received a letter from home after some 18 months since he left england) o that these seasons might continue, but they soon decay and alas! i have to mourn the most barren of souls..
12.19-20 ..my mind as full of wretchedness as i can think of but principally from outward causes, which are like a shower of the fiery darts of the enemy..
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment