my home country under the judgment of God. living thru the greatest holocaust in history. the Church in full scale apostasy. no human fellowship. fiddling 'spiritually' while 'rome' is burning...yet out of the wasted, blasted, weathered, seemingly God-forsaken, barren rock of reality little, tender, full-of-life green tendrils of God's love to me keep appearing out of it's cracks.
told of rapidly increasing prices, hear of the gulf oil spill...i have, anxiously, wanted to purchase heating oil for several months but not enough $. 'wait for Me' came. 'trust Me. let Me provide.' God gave grace to roll my concerns on Him and His peace came. finally the needed $ came and on friday received 226.3 gallons of oil at $2.37 a gallon...25% higher than on april 30, 2009 but one cent higher than the lowest price recorded since calling all local oil companies and tracking their c.o.d. prices. so .56 gallons or $1.33 per day for heating water and house. thank You Lord for Your provision.
since casting a lot which led to giving up much painting work last week, i now have three new jobs.
am in what at this point seems a deepening spiritual crisis. it seems God is simultaneously showing me how wretched a sinner i am...enabling me to trust Him...showing me His precious love... leaving me in a state of despair spiritually, yet strangely aware of His love. i used to read, with uncomprehending amazement accounts or people under deep conviction of sin who would outwardly moan and cry out and wail and roll on the ground with the appearance of great agony, begging for yet not as yet having received assurance of forgiveness. i now find myself in a similar agony inwardly yet not as yet having received Life.
my concern is, am i 'saved'? can one who is as wicked in heart and life as i possibly be forgiven. can one who lives in open disobedience to God, who has little evidence of the life of God within or without possibly have the Life of God? i believe that salvation happens in a moment in time because Jesus clearly likened it to a birth. before a given moment there is no functional life and the next there is. when this may have happened..or will happen, i have no clue. but that it may truly be said by God of me that it HAS happened is of vital concern. it is no longer good enough to outwardly look the part. it is no longer good enough to, in imagination or in reality 'be better' than others who claim salvation. the only thing that matters is what will He say to me when i stand before Him on the day of judgment. will He say, 'good and faithful servant enter into the joy of your Lord' or 'depart from me, wicked, for I never knew You. profession counts for nothing. possession is everything.
the layers of 'salvation' in my life seem to be a series of changes that have occurred which have progressively left me a bit of a changed person. after each change i viewed myself as 'saved' only to come, eventually to
first, as a child i think nothing of God, heaven or hell. then there was the dawning realization that there is a righteous punishment, a never-ending judgment of and punishment of God, an eternal hell and i deserve to be sent there, never to be able to leave...
second, as a teenager, i think, 'i am a good person, not like so and so'....to, in college, i am a sinner. i am not good as good is defined by God and therefore need to be forgiven..saved!
third, from about the same time, my view of the bible moves from 'this does not even make sense to me/i have no desire to read this' ...to 'these are the words of God, these reveal who God is and what He wants me to do'..i cannot get enough of these words, they are my very life.
fourth, this change was experienced after it actually happened. it happened in my late 40's around the time of my divorce. i realized, after the fact, that i had an ongoing, real relationship with God. if experienced as a need not as something qualitatively different that had already occurred within me it might have been framed thus. do i have an ongoing relationship with God such as i might with another person? do we regularly communicate with each other, spend time with each other, are we aware of one another's needs, interests, etc., do we help each other, seek to please each other, not forsake each other no matter what happens? the above was experienced without realizing it for the first time, i believe, at this time.
fifth and currently for the first time, increasingly aware of the facts that most if not all i call good in me is not at all bone-deep but fake, hypocricy and that there are a multitude of areas in which i am in open disobedience. framed in a formalized way it might be stated, do i experience the life of God in me (ie. do i have His love truth and righteousness, do i have His 'compassion?) and flowing out thru me to others (ie. do i keep the commandments of God?) 'always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh'. II cor. 4.11-2 'when Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with Him in glory'. col. 3.4 'he that hath the Son hath life and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life'. I john 5.12 the honest answer currently would have to be that there is little to no evidence that i have the life of God in me or coming out of me? i view myself more and more as a seeker than one who has found. may God find my poor, lost soul. may i be willing to lose my life, so that i might find it...
hope you have a good week, love, dad
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
5.15.10 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
ct, 5.10, p.33..james davison hunter says the church's strategies to transform culture are ineffective and the goal itself is misguided in new book, 'faithful presence'...speaking of paradigms for cultural engagement..'all the paradigms speak to authentic biblical concerns. yet the desire to be RELEVANT to the world has come at the cost of abandoning distinctiveness. the desire to be DEFENSIVE AGAINST the world is rooted in a desire to retain distinctiveness, but this has been manifested in ways that are, on the one hand, aggressive and confrontational. and on the other, culturally trivial and inconsequential. and the desire to be PURE FROM the world calls on the entire laity, in all vocations -ordinary and extaordinary, common and rarefied- to enact the shalom of God in the world.
christians need to abandon talk about 'redeeming the culture', 'advancing the kingdom' and 'changing the world'. such talk carries too much weight, implying conquest and domination...
(a number of years ago i remember hearing jim dobson of focus on the family and coming away with the impression of conquest and domination. it caused me to reflect how different his approach was from that of the old testament prophets, the apostles and Jesus who spoke truth and were killed rather than, in the name of truth, seeking positions of power in society. as much as i turned away intellectually i have continued to experience the strong temptation toward wanting conquest and domination rather than suffering and death.)
..if there is a possiblity for human flourishing in our world, it does not begin when we win the culture wars but when God's word of love becomes flesh in us, reaching every sphere of social life. when faithful presence existed in church history, it manifested itself in the creation of hospitals and the flourishing of art, the best scholareship, the most profound and world-changing kind of service and care - again, not only for the household of faith but for everyone, faithful presence isn't new; it's just something we need to recover'..
poop this week...the thot occurs that maybe i shouldn't ask people, 'how can i pray for you?' maybe that too is infected with self..with the desire to be seen as 'godly'. maybe its just another example of practicing 'righteousness' in order to be noticed by men. can't i just hang out, praying, with people and see how i can pray for them by hearing what they say? can't i just pray for them in my heart? do i have to display prayer? do i have to lengthen prayer...to 'be seen'? won't You meet me when i deliberately pray without 'being seen'? am i, in this way, trying to force people to interact with me 'spiritually'? am i trying to be seen as some spiritual guru? why not just wait on God to see what He unfolds along the way? can't i be content just to quietly practice mimicking Him, doing what He commands? may the goal always to be forgotten and You to be seen and loved.
a quirky thing last sunday night at mision. during the message a teenage boy next to me (one who never speaks to me and seems to have no desire to) leans over and says, 'God has the answer' and not more than a few seconds later the man behind me leans forward and says the same words..
whoever exalts himself will be abased but he who abases himself will be exalted.. lk.18.14 mary..a los pies de (at the feet of) Jesus.. 10.39
and she vowed a vow and said, 'o Lord of hosts, if Thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of Thine handmaid and remember me and not forget Thine handmaid, but wilt give unto Thine handmaid a man child, then i will give (dedicar) him unto the Lord all the days of his life.. I sam. 1.11 Lord will You bring me to the blessed place of hannah where i may genuinely give my whole life to You?
make me Your disciple (learner). help me have no answers, no knowledge, nothing. help me look at You and imitate (mimic) You. help all of who i am to be constantly crucified so only You remain, Your will and desire is all. call me. make me an apostle (sent one). help me be completely willing to go wherever, to do whatever You want or lacking such to remain peacefully wherever You want me and mimic You there.
a painter i know was willing to lend me a 36' ladder with which i was able to paint 15' or so of gables i could not otherwise reach. when asking what i could give for this loan he said something about the ladder being Jesus' and he needed nothing. the rope to raise and lower the ladder was almost destroyed so i said i would replace the rope. this turned out to be quite an 'expensive' way to say thank you. i had to learn about the need for a proper sized rope (originally bought a .25' rope but the ladder and pulley were designed for a .37' rope) and a rope made of the proper material (first bought plastic, then considered polyester, nylon and manilla before finally settling..and returning those not chosen). in the process i spent 3 man hours of time and traveled 4o miles. it was a battle not to become frustrated and angry but yet this was evidently exactly what God wanted for me. God seemed to whisper, 'sit 'in themud' at another red light or in one of a billion other hinderances and irritations and fully receive each annoyance, frustration, enragement, heartache and pain as a special gift from Me. shift out of overdrive into neutral; let Me drive; enjoy wherever i have you at any given moment! akounamatada baby! aurghhhh!!! i think of how it says the even Jesus learned obedience by the things that He suffered.
this week start prepping john and sandy's porch and have very strong lack of peace. am praying. the lack of peace grows. i must get down from the ladder, walk over to 54 and cast a lot asking for the answer to 'do You want to paint for john and sandy?' the coin said 'no'. lost alot of work and a lot of $ on that, but there was instant peace as i walked over and packed up the equipment and left. at this point have several of hours of painting left and no prospects. thank You Lord for giving every day what is necessary to live.
i have come to use the lot sparingly (this is only 3rd of 2010)..usually in situations where i am torn by various considerations and need to remove the subjective from the decision.
women are sinners. men are sinners. the besetting sin of women is the lust to be in control. the besetting sin of men is the lust to use women as sex objects. which gender is at fault for the current dysfunction in gender relationships? which came first, the chicken or the egg? in our current 'world system' women are in ascendancy. women are worshipped. their desire is law whether viewed from a microcosmic or macrocosmic perspective. one major result is the murder, in cold blood, of more than 1.5 billion innocent human beings..a genocide that dwarfs to microscopic proportions every other genocide in human history. let it be remembered that though women are the 'efficient' cause, every human being who is aware of this is blameable before Almighty God.
history, within its overall linear movement toward the realization of God's overall, final purpose that all reality will be summed up in Jesus Christ, is very cyclical in many respects. one is the nature of relationship between the genders. the world system, in particular areas, oscillates between two polarities: male domination and female domination in cultural/governmental/ personal affairs.
both dominations, for female control or for male use of women as objects, are clear signals of the disintegration of a viable, healthy society. isaiah, shortly before israel was largely dismantled as a nation by wholesale destruction of their infrastructure and deportation of their people writes, 'moreover the Lord saith, because the daughters of zion are haughty and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go and making a tinkling with their feet..therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown orf the head of the daughters of zion and the Lord will discover their secret pars. in that day the Lo4rd will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet and their cauls and their round tires like the moon, the chains and the bracelets and the mufflers, the bonnets and the ornaments of the legs and the headbands and the tablets and the earrings, the rings and nose jewels, the changeable suits of apparel and the mantles and the wimples and the crisping pins, the glasses and the fine linen and the hoods and the veils. and it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink and instead of a girdle a rent and instead of well set hair baldness and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth and burnign instead of beauty. thy men shall fall by the sword and thy might in the war. and her gates shall lament and mourn and she being desolate shall sit upon the ground'. truly every nation who forgets God will be turned into hell (the hebrew word for sheol, the realm of the dead)..in other words, destroyed.
one of the lies of history is that women submitting to their own husbands brings about degradation of women. this can only seem true when general female respect for and deferment to male leadership actually has exalted the place of women. this in our time is/has largely moved into the past but women are still enjoying the fruit of the deferential women before them. woman who are truly degraded have no voice to speak of or complain about their degradation. wherever men, in accordance with the word of God or in accordance with His law that is written on their hearts, follow His pattern women are exalted. more accurately, it might be said that to the degree to which this is occuring, to that degree women are exalted and protected. to the degree that God is not followed in this area or is discounted altogether, to that degree women are debased. as marquis de sade, for whom god was nature, said..men can do anything they want to to women for they are, by nature, stronger..
'tonsure' is the act of cutting the hair or shaving the head and also the state of having been thus shorn. i am having difficulty actually using the word in speech and was not helped much by the various literary examples given in the oxford dictionary.
it seems, in the constant mystery (to me at least) of how the human and divine interplay, i recently i have noted that i have been led to talk to myself as if to a naughty, disobedient child. this has been effective the few times i have tried it in dealing with gluttony (eating for taste or self (psychological) reasons rather than for strength to live and work, etc.). i have said , 'you are not going to have a banana when you get home..you are not going to have one before bed...you are not (every time the thot or urge to comes to my mind). david talked to himself (why art thou cast down oh my soul and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God for i shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance..) st. francis or luther or someone refers to the physical body as 'brother ass' which goes along with Jesus' (?) comment that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. so maybe this may be another way to crucify the self desires...i don't know..
God is introducing me to the very starts of His love..cleaning up toothpaste all over the bathroom sink and picking pubic hairs out of the hair strainer without saying anything and trying to be a help...even when taken advantage of..
in a letter from a missionary who was going to visit a fellow missionary in the outback..'roger walked ahead of us directing us where to drive so we were able to miss the places wher we would have sunk in the mud'...what a beautiful and accurate picture of Jesus. an old hymn..'my Lord knows the way thru the wilderness; all i have to do is to follow...'
this a.m. at mision.. referring to the people in the region where Jesus' granted the demon horde permission to enter the pigs who they then destroyed in the sea of galilee it says of them tenian gran temor (they had great fear). oh Lord, help me to say the tremendous works that you are doing around me and help me to have great fear of You...not leading me to want You to go away but leading me to want to give You everything i have!
hope you have a good week. love, dad
christians need to abandon talk about 'redeeming the culture', 'advancing the kingdom' and 'changing the world'. such talk carries too much weight, implying conquest and domination...
(a number of years ago i remember hearing jim dobson of focus on the family and coming away with the impression of conquest and domination. it caused me to reflect how different his approach was from that of the old testament prophets, the apostles and Jesus who spoke truth and were killed rather than, in the name of truth, seeking positions of power in society. as much as i turned away intellectually i have continued to experience the strong temptation toward wanting conquest and domination rather than suffering and death.)
..if there is a possiblity for human flourishing in our world, it does not begin when we win the culture wars but when God's word of love becomes flesh in us, reaching every sphere of social life. when faithful presence existed in church history, it manifested itself in the creation of hospitals and the flourishing of art, the best scholareship, the most profound and world-changing kind of service and care - again, not only for the household of faith but for everyone, faithful presence isn't new; it's just something we need to recover'..
poop this week...the thot occurs that maybe i shouldn't ask people, 'how can i pray for you?' maybe that too is infected with self..with the desire to be seen as 'godly'. maybe its just another example of practicing 'righteousness' in order to be noticed by men. can't i just hang out, praying, with people and see how i can pray for them by hearing what they say? can't i just pray for them in my heart? do i have to display prayer? do i have to lengthen prayer...to 'be seen'? won't You meet me when i deliberately pray without 'being seen'? am i, in this way, trying to force people to interact with me 'spiritually'? am i trying to be seen as some spiritual guru? why not just wait on God to see what He unfolds along the way? can't i be content just to quietly practice mimicking Him, doing what He commands? may the goal always to be forgotten and You to be seen and loved.
a quirky thing last sunday night at mision. during the message a teenage boy next to me (one who never speaks to me and seems to have no desire to) leans over and says, 'God has the answer' and not more than a few seconds later the man behind me leans forward and says the same words..
whoever exalts himself will be abased but he who abases himself will be exalted.. lk.18.14 mary..a los pies de (at the feet of) Jesus.. 10.39
and she vowed a vow and said, 'o Lord of hosts, if Thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of Thine handmaid and remember me and not forget Thine handmaid, but wilt give unto Thine handmaid a man child, then i will give (dedicar) him unto the Lord all the days of his life.. I sam. 1.11 Lord will You bring me to the blessed place of hannah where i may genuinely give my whole life to You?
make me Your disciple (learner). help me have no answers, no knowledge, nothing. help me look at You and imitate (mimic) You. help all of who i am to be constantly crucified so only You remain, Your will and desire is all. call me. make me an apostle (sent one). help me be completely willing to go wherever, to do whatever You want or lacking such to remain peacefully wherever You want me and mimic You there.
a painter i know was willing to lend me a 36' ladder with which i was able to paint 15' or so of gables i could not otherwise reach. when asking what i could give for this loan he said something about the ladder being Jesus' and he needed nothing. the rope to raise and lower the ladder was almost destroyed so i said i would replace the rope. this turned out to be quite an 'expensive' way to say thank you. i had to learn about the need for a proper sized rope (originally bought a .25' rope but the ladder and pulley were designed for a .37' rope) and a rope made of the proper material (first bought plastic, then considered polyester, nylon and manilla before finally settling..and returning those not chosen). in the process i spent 3 man hours of time and traveled 4o miles. it was a battle not to become frustrated and angry but yet this was evidently exactly what God wanted for me. God seemed to whisper, 'sit 'in themud' at another red light or in one of a billion other hinderances and irritations and fully receive each annoyance, frustration, enragement, heartache and pain as a special gift from Me. shift out of overdrive into neutral; let Me drive; enjoy wherever i have you at any given moment! akounamatada baby! aurghhhh!!! i think of how it says the even Jesus learned obedience by the things that He suffered.
this week start prepping john and sandy's porch and have very strong lack of peace. am praying. the lack of peace grows. i must get down from the ladder, walk over to 54 and cast a lot asking for the answer to 'do You want to paint for john and sandy?' the coin said 'no'. lost alot of work and a lot of $ on that, but there was instant peace as i walked over and packed up the equipment and left. at this point have several of hours of painting left and no prospects. thank You Lord for giving every day what is necessary to live.
i have come to use the lot sparingly (this is only 3rd of 2010)..usually in situations where i am torn by various considerations and need to remove the subjective from the decision.
women are sinners. men are sinners. the besetting sin of women is the lust to be in control. the besetting sin of men is the lust to use women as sex objects. which gender is at fault for the current dysfunction in gender relationships? which came first, the chicken or the egg? in our current 'world system' women are in ascendancy. women are worshipped. their desire is law whether viewed from a microcosmic or macrocosmic perspective. one major result is the murder, in cold blood, of more than 1.5 billion innocent human beings..a genocide that dwarfs to microscopic proportions every other genocide in human history. let it be remembered that though women are the 'efficient' cause, every human being who is aware of this is blameable before Almighty God.
history, within its overall linear movement toward the realization of God's overall, final purpose that all reality will be summed up in Jesus Christ, is very cyclical in many respects. one is the nature of relationship between the genders. the world system, in particular areas, oscillates between two polarities: male domination and female domination in cultural/governmental/ personal affairs.
both dominations, for female control or for male use of women as objects, are clear signals of the disintegration of a viable, healthy society. isaiah, shortly before israel was largely dismantled as a nation by wholesale destruction of their infrastructure and deportation of their people writes, 'moreover the Lord saith, because the daughters of zion are haughty and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go and making a tinkling with their feet..therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown orf the head of the daughters of zion and the Lord will discover their secret pars. in that day the Lo4rd will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet and their cauls and their round tires like the moon, the chains and the bracelets and the mufflers, the bonnets and the ornaments of the legs and the headbands and the tablets and the earrings, the rings and nose jewels, the changeable suits of apparel and the mantles and the wimples and the crisping pins, the glasses and the fine linen and the hoods and the veils. and it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink and instead of a girdle a rent and instead of well set hair baldness and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth and burnign instead of beauty. thy men shall fall by the sword and thy might in the war. and her gates shall lament and mourn and she being desolate shall sit upon the ground'. truly every nation who forgets God will be turned into hell (the hebrew word for sheol, the realm of the dead)..in other words, destroyed.
one of the lies of history is that women submitting to their own husbands brings about degradation of women. this can only seem true when general female respect for and deferment to male leadership actually has exalted the place of women. this in our time is/has largely moved into the past but women are still enjoying the fruit of the deferential women before them. woman who are truly degraded have no voice to speak of or complain about their degradation. wherever men, in accordance with the word of God or in accordance with His law that is written on their hearts, follow His pattern women are exalted. more accurately, it might be said that to the degree to which this is occuring, to that degree women are exalted and protected. to the degree that God is not followed in this area or is discounted altogether, to that degree women are debased. as marquis de sade, for whom god was nature, said..men can do anything they want to to women for they are, by nature, stronger..
'tonsure' is the act of cutting the hair or shaving the head and also the state of having been thus shorn. i am having difficulty actually using the word in speech and was not helped much by the various literary examples given in the oxford dictionary.
it seems, in the constant mystery (to me at least) of how the human and divine interplay, i recently i have noted that i have been led to talk to myself as if to a naughty, disobedient child. this has been effective the few times i have tried it in dealing with gluttony (eating for taste or self (psychological) reasons rather than for strength to live and work, etc.). i have said , 'you are not going to have a banana when you get home..you are not going to have one before bed...you are not (every time the thot or urge to comes to my mind). david talked to himself (why art thou cast down oh my soul and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God for i shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance..) st. francis or luther or someone refers to the physical body as 'brother ass' which goes along with Jesus' (?) comment that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. so maybe this may be another way to crucify the self desires...i don't know..
God is introducing me to the very starts of His love..cleaning up toothpaste all over the bathroom sink and picking pubic hairs out of the hair strainer without saying anything and trying to be a help...even when taken advantage of..
in a letter from a missionary who was going to visit a fellow missionary in the outback..'roger walked ahead of us directing us where to drive so we were able to miss the places wher we would have sunk in the mud'...what a beautiful and accurate picture of Jesus. an old hymn..'my Lord knows the way thru the wilderness; all i have to do is to follow...'
this a.m. at mision.. referring to the people in the region where Jesus' granted the demon horde permission to enter the pigs who they then destroyed in the sea of galilee it says of them tenian gran temor (they had great fear). oh Lord, help me to say the tremendous works that you are doing around me and help me to have great fear of You...not leading me to want You to go away but leading me to want to give You everything i have!
hope you have a good week. love, dad
Sunday, May 9, 2010
5.9.10 THE GRACE AND PEACE OF THE LORD JESUS BE WITH YOUR SPIRIT
this week actually worked 8 hours a day for $ for the first time this year. neirmans gables are finished and lakjers fire escape is almost totally prepped. was offered a grinder to do the job which proved to be a great answer to prayer.
continue to struggle spiritually because of who i am. God is off the charts. His love is so precious. His forgiveness so amazing, the grace He gives that allows me to do things that otherwise would be impossible and the sweetness of His presence - from time to time like a cooling, refreshing breeze - are all so much more than i deserve. yet because of my fallen part i perversely do not earnestly seek to please Him, i fear and honor men much more than i do Him and many other spiritual dysfunctions.
if only i could give myself totally to Him. but as i am learning again and again - i may intellectually understand something, i may even make strides to do it, but to really, for real, do and be what He would have me do and be - i can do nothing but wait on Him. i am experiencing, something along the same line as but much less than david was when he said, 'save me oh God for the waters are come into my soul. i sink in deep mire where there is no standing. i am come into deep waters where the floods overflow me. i am weary of my crying, my throat is dried. mine eyes fail me while i wait for my God'. i can do nothing. at the same time it seems important to try to imitate what God wants.
am so all alone. the realization of profound aloneness i powerful. the years at leidy church were probably an unconscious attempt to escape this aloneless. but as the time there came to an end there was a strong impression that the whole time there, immersed in people-related activity, i was still all alone. now with the masquerade of intimacy gone the aloneness comes into much more powerful focus. this week a group of young children living in the neighborhood of where i was at worked played around me and interacted with me in such a way that it has been a while since i felt the joy of what fellowship will be like when in heaven. there was such freedom and joy and comradary..it's hard to explain...it was beautiful and encouraging. this happened two times! so God gave me two little oasises to tell me a bit of what like heaven will be. in terms of otherworldliness, it recalled the first visit to brooklyn tabernacle when the time of oral and audible praises of the congregation of how many came floating to me like some totally otherworldly spiritual beehive. thank You Lord for these experiences in which You give a glimpse of what it will be.
i'm wondering whether a certain circumference of fishing line would not provide me with a never-ending piece of floss to cut my expense in the bathroom supply area. i tried one circumference but it was too wide but have heard that there are different types of lines with different 'test' strengths and, i think, different circumferences.
this a.m. was a sort of breakthrough for me in the area of spanish. i have been asking God to give help in speaking. today, at the mothers' day lunch i was actually able to have some beginning, very halting types of interactions with some men...there was even a joke about fruit salad. they said that there were plantains and then something about 'macho' (male) and 'hembra' (female) and i, with mock astonishment said, looking into the cup of fruit, 'en aqui?' (in here) and they all broke up laughing. it was good and is, i hope, a promising start of more to come.
along the line of spanish i have been praying for God to give me some $ to buy a good spanish dictionary. i am especially interested in synonyms (how do different spanish words for the same thing actually differ...so as to use the correct one in each different situation). i am also interested in the etymology of words (this is a love in words of any language!). this week, out of the blue, God gave me some $ to get maybe one of them. so i'm asking for guidance and hope that God will be seen and known through this.
it struck me, and i have to look at the word 'laugh' throughout the bible to learn more but in proverbs 1 and psalm 2 God laughs. in both cases the context is the judgment of those who resist, refuse, will not listen to or, as psalm 2 says, 'serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling. these are the only times i remember when it talks of God laughing. on the face of it, so my human side tends to think, isn't it a mean thing, even a totally inappropiate thing to laugh at someone when they are being, or just about to be condemned to eternal suffering? but without apology that is the way God reveals Himself in judgment...a horrible concept...a never-t0-be-defaced-from-the-memory 'picture'. why would He laugh? i'm not so sure how to think about this. one tepid attempt to figure it out might be His thinking about that type of thinking that, in the face of all He does to make reality clear, refuses to give Him His due...we all continue to chose to ignore (or worse) Him and do what we want...against all sane thinking...
the TREMENDOUS SLUGGISHNESS of my entire life at this point comes from one simple fact, and that is not to do anything i want and to do everything i don't want. my life has been filled with long and extended periods of zest and zeal and excitement because i was doing what i wanted to do. now much of this part of life is consigned to death and so...no wonder i have no feeling, no 'joy' (not the true joy which is the distillation of 'You-Lord-are-enoughness' but the feelings counterfeit commonly designated 'joy'), no desire to do this that i am doing, the thing that i will do next and next and next and next. i guess this living hell of a life will continue until everything 'passes thru the cross' and steve paine and all he wants are dead as a doornail. the I will be consigned to death so that the true i free at last to drop from sight and totally loose itself in God. oh Lord deliver me from being a talker and set me free to DO.
this week talking to a guy who was doing the same thing i am doing - grousing about his circumstances. and, as so often happens, i am much better at preaching to the pot than at calling the kettle (myself) black...i said to him, preaching!, 'isn't it enough to not be in hell?! that's where we all belong and yet.....here we are!
God's leading as far as loving those who don't love me... to a woman who has said some pretty nasty things to me and will not talk to or acknowledge me anymore...smile! use her name! speak blessing type words to her.. to a person who i have asked to clean up after themselves and they leave more than before...pick pubic hairs out of the tub strainer and wipe up the tub after them. oh Lord help us to actually do good to those who are doing bad to us...
the more i think about it...people must hate to be asked 'how can i pray for you?' it's something i deeply long to ask and be asked. it is, to ME, a central thing in fellowship. the whole thing, no matter how technically the concept may in some sense 'be right', is flawed- i'm coming to see- in that it is all about me and my spiritual pride. i ask this because i am spiritual. others do not ask this because they are not as spiritual. barf. in this mode it becomes another of the innumerable stinking proclamations of the self-righteous stiff who thinks himself more spiritual than and looks down the long spiritual nose at the rest of, less spiritual, humanity. why am i trying to FORCE people to interact with me spiritually? why not rather wait for God to open doors natually for things He might want done rather than go around knowing oneself what He wants done and proceeding to do that in one's own power, according to one's own inadequate comprehension. doesn't God make what HE wants done abundantly clear in His word. what a novel approach! Lord, do You want me to just practice doing exactly what You say? that's right, You never said that i was to ask other people how i could pray for them. oh Lord, help me, help me, help me just have the humility do quietly, unnoticed do what You say rather than do things aimed to pointing out my spirituality. ...this a.m. at mision luke 18.14 'whoever exalts himself will be abased and whoever abases himself will be humbled. also 10.39 maria a los pies de Jesus...
c.s.lewis..when i first became a christian..i thot that i would do it on my own, by retiring to my rooms and reading theology and i wouldn't go to the churches and gospel halls; and then later i found that it was the only way of flying your flag and, of course, i found that this meant being a target. it is extraordinary how inconveient to your family it becomes for you to get up early to go to church. it doesn't matter so much if you get up early for anything else, but if you get up early to go to church it's very selfish of you and you upset the house. if there is anything in the teaching of the new testament which is in the nature of a command, it is that you are obliged to take the sacrament and you can't do it without going to church.
..the proper pleasure of ritual..this will be understood by anyone who really understands the meaning of the middle english word solimpne. this means something different, but not quite different, from modern english slemn. like solemn it implies the opposite of what is familiar, free and easy, or ordinary. but unlike solemn it does not suggest gloom, oppression, or austerity.
the ball in the first act of romeo and juliet was a' solemnity'. the feast at the beginning of gawain and the green knight is very much of a solemnity. a great mass by mozart or beethoven is as much a solemnity in its hilarious gloria as in its poignant crucifixus est. feasts are, in this sense, more solemn than fasts. easter is solempne, good friday is not. the solempne is the festal which is also the stately and the ceremonial, the proper occasion for pomp - and the very fact that pompous is now used only in a bad sense measures the degree to which we have lost the old idea of 'solemnity'.
to recover it you must think of a court ball, or a coronation, or a victory march, as these things appear to people who enjoy them; in an age when everyone puts on his oldest clothes to be happy in, you must re-awake the simpler state of mind in which people put on gold and scarlet to be happy in. above all, you must be rid of the hideous idea, fruit of a widespread inferiority complex, that pomp, on the proper occasions, has any connection with vanity or self-conceit. a celebrant approaching the altar, a princess led out by a king to dance a minuet, a general officer on a ceremonial parade, a major domo preceding the boar's head at a christmas feast - all these wear unusual clothes and move with calculated dignity. this does not men that they are vain, but that they are obedient; they are obeying the hoc age which presides over every solemnity. the modern habit of doing ceremonial things unceremoniously is no proof of humility; rather it proves the offender's inability to forget himself in the rite and his readiness to spoil for everyone else the proper pleasure of ritual.
..the perfect church service would be one we were almost unaware of; our attention would have been on God..
hope you have a good week. love, dad
continue to struggle spiritually because of who i am. God is off the charts. His love is so precious. His forgiveness so amazing, the grace He gives that allows me to do things that otherwise would be impossible and the sweetness of His presence - from time to time like a cooling, refreshing breeze - are all so much more than i deserve. yet because of my fallen part i perversely do not earnestly seek to please Him, i fear and honor men much more than i do Him and many other spiritual dysfunctions.
if only i could give myself totally to Him. but as i am learning again and again - i may intellectually understand something, i may even make strides to do it, but to really, for real, do and be what He would have me do and be - i can do nothing but wait on Him. i am experiencing, something along the same line as but much less than david was when he said, 'save me oh God for the waters are come into my soul. i sink in deep mire where there is no standing. i am come into deep waters where the floods overflow me. i am weary of my crying, my throat is dried. mine eyes fail me while i wait for my God'. i can do nothing. at the same time it seems important to try to imitate what God wants.
am so all alone. the realization of profound aloneness i powerful. the years at leidy church were probably an unconscious attempt to escape this aloneless. but as the time there came to an end there was a strong impression that the whole time there, immersed in people-related activity, i was still all alone. now with the masquerade of intimacy gone the aloneness comes into much more powerful focus. this week a group of young children living in the neighborhood of where i was at worked played around me and interacted with me in such a way that it has been a while since i felt the joy of what fellowship will be like when in heaven. there was such freedom and joy and comradary..it's hard to explain...it was beautiful and encouraging. this happened two times! so God gave me two little oasises to tell me a bit of what like heaven will be. in terms of otherworldliness, it recalled the first visit to brooklyn tabernacle when the time of oral and audible praises of the congregation of how many came floating to me like some totally otherworldly spiritual beehive. thank You Lord for these experiences in which You give a glimpse of what it will be.
i'm wondering whether a certain circumference of fishing line would not provide me with a never-ending piece of floss to cut my expense in the bathroom supply area. i tried one circumference but it was too wide but have heard that there are different types of lines with different 'test' strengths and, i think, different circumferences.
this a.m. was a sort of breakthrough for me in the area of spanish. i have been asking God to give help in speaking. today, at the mothers' day lunch i was actually able to have some beginning, very halting types of interactions with some men...there was even a joke about fruit salad. they said that there were plantains and then something about 'macho' (male) and 'hembra' (female) and i, with mock astonishment said, looking into the cup of fruit, 'en aqui?' (in here) and they all broke up laughing. it was good and is, i hope, a promising start of more to come.
along the line of spanish i have been praying for God to give me some $ to buy a good spanish dictionary. i am especially interested in synonyms (how do different spanish words for the same thing actually differ...so as to use the correct one in each different situation). i am also interested in the etymology of words (this is a love in words of any language!). this week, out of the blue, God gave me some $ to get maybe one of them. so i'm asking for guidance and hope that God will be seen and known through this.
it struck me, and i have to look at the word 'laugh' throughout the bible to learn more but in proverbs 1 and psalm 2 God laughs. in both cases the context is the judgment of those who resist, refuse, will not listen to or, as psalm 2 says, 'serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling. these are the only times i remember when it talks of God laughing. on the face of it, so my human side tends to think, isn't it a mean thing, even a totally inappropiate thing to laugh at someone when they are being, or just about to be condemned to eternal suffering? but without apology that is the way God reveals Himself in judgment...a horrible concept...a never-t0-be-defaced-from-the-memory 'picture'. why would He laugh? i'm not so sure how to think about this. one tepid attempt to figure it out might be His thinking about that type of thinking that, in the face of all He does to make reality clear, refuses to give Him His due...we all continue to chose to ignore (or worse) Him and do what we want...against all sane thinking...
the TREMENDOUS SLUGGISHNESS of my entire life at this point comes from one simple fact, and that is not to do anything i want and to do everything i don't want. my life has been filled with long and extended periods of zest and zeal and excitement because i was doing what i wanted to do. now much of this part of life is consigned to death and so...no wonder i have no feeling, no 'joy' (not the true joy which is the distillation of 'You-Lord-are-enoughness' but the feelings counterfeit commonly designated 'joy'), no desire to do this that i am doing, the thing that i will do next and next and next and next. i guess this living hell of a life will continue until everything 'passes thru the cross' and steve paine and all he wants are dead as a doornail. the I will be consigned to death so that the true i free at last to drop from sight and totally loose itself in God. oh Lord deliver me from being a talker and set me free to DO.
this week talking to a guy who was doing the same thing i am doing - grousing about his circumstances. and, as so often happens, i am much better at preaching to the pot than at calling the kettle (myself) black...i said to him, preaching!, 'isn't it enough to not be in hell?! that's where we all belong and yet.....here we are!
God's leading as far as loving those who don't love me... to a woman who has said some pretty nasty things to me and will not talk to or acknowledge me anymore...smile! use her name! speak blessing type words to her.. to a person who i have asked to clean up after themselves and they leave more than before...pick pubic hairs out of the tub strainer and wipe up the tub after them. oh Lord help us to actually do good to those who are doing bad to us...
the more i think about it...people must hate to be asked 'how can i pray for you?' it's something i deeply long to ask and be asked. it is, to ME, a central thing in fellowship. the whole thing, no matter how technically the concept may in some sense 'be right', is flawed- i'm coming to see- in that it is all about me and my spiritual pride. i ask this because i am spiritual. others do not ask this because they are not as spiritual. barf. in this mode it becomes another of the innumerable stinking proclamations of the self-righteous stiff who thinks himself more spiritual than and looks down the long spiritual nose at the rest of, less spiritual, humanity. why am i trying to FORCE people to interact with me spiritually? why not rather wait for God to open doors natually for things He might want done rather than go around knowing oneself what He wants done and proceeding to do that in one's own power, according to one's own inadequate comprehension. doesn't God make what HE wants done abundantly clear in His word. what a novel approach! Lord, do You want me to just practice doing exactly what You say? that's right, You never said that i was to ask other people how i could pray for them. oh Lord, help me, help me, help me just have the humility do quietly, unnoticed do what You say rather than do things aimed to pointing out my spirituality. ...this a.m. at mision luke 18.14 'whoever exalts himself will be abased and whoever abases himself will be humbled. also 10.39 maria a los pies de Jesus...
c.s.lewis..when i first became a christian..i thot that i would do it on my own, by retiring to my rooms and reading theology and i wouldn't go to the churches and gospel halls; and then later i found that it was the only way of flying your flag and, of course, i found that this meant being a target. it is extraordinary how inconveient to your family it becomes for you to get up early to go to church. it doesn't matter so much if you get up early for anything else, but if you get up early to go to church it's very selfish of you and you upset the house. if there is anything in the teaching of the new testament which is in the nature of a command, it is that you are obliged to take the sacrament and you can't do it without going to church.
..the proper pleasure of ritual..this will be understood by anyone who really understands the meaning of the middle english word solimpne. this means something different, but not quite different, from modern english slemn. like solemn it implies the opposite of what is familiar, free and easy, or ordinary. but unlike solemn it does not suggest gloom, oppression, or austerity.
the ball in the first act of romeo and juliet was a' solemnity'. the feast at the beginning of gawain and the green knight is very much of a solemnity. a great mass by mozart or beethoven is as much a solemnity in its hilarious gloria as in its poignant crucifixus est. feasts are, in this sense, more solemn than fasts. easter is solempne, good friday is not. the solempne is the festal which is also the stately and the ceremonial, the proper occasion for pomp - and the very fact that pompous is now used only in a bad sense measures the degree to which we have lost the old idea of 'solemnity'.
to recover it you must think of a court ball, or a coronation, or a victory march, as these things appear to people who enjoy them; in an age when everyone puts on his oldest clothes to be happy in, you must re-awake the simpler state of mind in which people put on gold and scarlet to be happy in. above all, you must be rid of the hideous idea, fruit of a widespread inferiority complex, that pomp, on the proper occasions, has any connection with vanity or self-conceit. a celebrant approaching the altar, a princess led out by a king to dance a minuet, a general officer on a ceremonial parade, a major domo preceding the boar's head at a christmas feast - all these wear unusual clothes and move with calculated dignity. this does not men that they are vain, but that they are obedient; they are obeying the hoc age which presides over every solemnity. the modern habit of doing ceremonial things unceremoniously is no proof of humility; rather it proves the offender's inability to forget himself in the rite and his readiness to spoil for everyone else the proper pleasure of ritual.
..the perfect church service would be one we were almost unaware of; our attention would have been on God..
hope you have a good week. love, dad
Sunday, May 2, 2010
5.2.10 NOT JUICIO BUT JUGO!
hi. this am in men's bible class there was a discussion about next sunday's meal after morning meeting to honor mothers. i had offered to help and was told to bring several 2-liter bottles of soda. i had decided to try and bring several of organic juice. i thot the word for juice was juecio (it actually is juicio). so when the man said, 'steve, you are going to bring soda?', trying to say something... anything, in spanish, i said, 'juecio, ok?' he kept saying jugo and i thot he was saying 'soda', so i said 'juecio' trying to see if juice was ok in it's place. what a circus.
afterwards in talking to him i learned that 'jugo' is juice and 'juecio' is judgment! i couldn't help laugh, hopefully ruefully, at the whole thing. how emblematic of my inner world these days. the reality of my sinfulness is very overwhelming these days. i think one thing that has especially brought this to the fore is the number of people i have deep hatred for. what should be flowing out of me should be organic jugo=the love of Jesus that i experience day to day in my wretched sinfulness. but what would flow out is juecio..more correctly, juicio or judgment and rancor in all its ugliness...if i did not carefully conceal it...
as an aside, i am soo naive (but growing less so by the day) about human nature but this growing realization of who i am inside, has brought a new awareness to the vast amount of hypocricy that is practiced by mankind as a whole. i used to marvel at david's words describing a human encounter..'his words were soft as butter, but there was war in his heart' ..or something to that effect. now there is a dawning understanding that there is a whole lot of scum inside of every person that is either self realized or not. this is a rather recent thing..with me. i remember the many hallcyon days of past life when i used to quietly congratulate myself as being much more loving at heart than another whose anger/hatred happened to pour out in my presence. the areas of my blindness multiply daily it seems. it's frightening to be as wicked as i am. the wierd thing is that i have the sense that Jesus has forgiven it all!
but these days i keep thinking, is it possible..can it be possible... that i am saved from my sin and yet so wicked on a continual basis to such a degree? all i can do i moan out, 'give me Your love' , 'help me to be like You, help me to do what You want', on repeated occasions. every time i go for a run and pass a certain person's house who has done much to me.. i find myself praying, 'help me not to hate him'. i pray this every time and begin to wonder about the whole thing. all i can say is that i am, in this regard, maybe in some spot such as david was when he cried, 'save me oh God for the waters are come in unto my soul. i sink in deep mire where there is no standing. i am come into deep waters where the floods overflow me'..maybe david kept praying not to..whatever..without the prayer being answered right away...i just don't know. all i can do is keep coming to Him and cry out for His deliverance whether, in fact, it is the first deliverance that issues into a new, eternal life with Him or the umpteenth deliverance of one who He has already made His eternal child...'He restoreth my soul' is something i in a sense experience and yet wonder...Lord, show me the way thru this horror.
i must say though that one of the favorite parts of the week is coming to mision early to pray before service begins. one of the things that are blessed to me there is that they request that there be no talking beforehand and that that time be given over to silence to encourage prayer and reading the bible. for me it is only prayer...in spanish. i could not help being filled with...well, with how good God is to forgive me for my awfulness. to tell the truth i couldn't stop smiling from the heart out the whole time i was there this am...and that is not the first time this has happened...just so filled with His grace and goodness. i bless Him. without Him i would be an absolutely deserted orphan in this world. these days my inner experience is chaotic but He remains the unshakable rock.
my falling off things continues. yesterday caught my foot on the tailgate of a truck and fell on a stone drive. no injury to speak of again. i think of ...'the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord and He delighteth in his way. though he fall he shall not be utterly cast down for the Lord upholdETH (continually, repeatedly) him with His hand'. though not a good man the Lord is nevertheless demonstrating His tender care for me..not at the time but almost coming as an afterthot.
there would be no economic crisis in the lives of the people of an area who all sought first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. there would be no dissatisfaction or economically destructive competition if these people were not greedy for more than what they needed to live, for the promise is that all necessities will be added to the person who does so.
last summer i had occasion to paint a picket fence for levi alderfer who began alderfer's egg farm many years ago. as i began, levi, now in his 80s i would imagine, came out with a small spade and began to ruthlessly ATTACK the few sprigs of pacasandra (sp?) that remained anywhere near the fence. i was puzzled and amused at the time but it came to me that he was 'instructing by means of example'. one thing i got was diligence, hard work...meaning me...painting the fence! but i wondered about the pac..why didn't he have it as a ground cover which most people use it as? why didn't he let it grow thick and beautiful? why bother to have it at all if it is just an errant-looking sprig here and there.
recently i think i may have been able to piece a little more together..or the two experiences worked a learning synergy on me. i am very discouraged about the ongoing decay of the asphalt walk and driveway at 54. i was typically trying to keep the weeds from growing out of the cracks that were developing and as i went along weeding i had an 'ah ha' moment. all the sudden i became aware of the destructive power of root systems. you don't wait until they are sending plants up thru asphalt! you ATTACK them. this is war! i now thanked God for levi embodying this reality in that simple and yet profound way. he was a farmer who attacked weeds and did everything he could to encourage plants and their fruit. if i want asphalt that faithfully does its job as long as i'm at 54 i need to follow his example.
you incessantly keep weakening and destroying them when they get anywhere near what you don't want destroyed. i think my new strategy, applied, may have been given to me just in time to keep the whole asphalt structure, especially the walk from succumbing to the power of the root. but then there came a spiritual application to my soul. steve, you see how your sins are destroying you. (i think a proverb says something about keeping one's heart with diligence for out of it comes the issues of life.) if you don't want to continue to be destroyed, you need to go on attack mode. i used to attack by following what i have found to be a thoroughly useless strategy..trying to do good or not do bad. useless. what i am thinking now is that the attack is bathing in prayer. are we told to do anything else in the bible with the addition of 'without ceasing' except prayer. the closest thing i can think of off hand is to meditate on the bible 'day and night'. this is intense but not quite as intense as 'without ceasing'. may God show me the way and help me to attack my many sins in the way He would have.
got the rent checks too late, due to circumstances and lack of forethot, to get them into the bank. i am the closest to $0 in liquid cash flow i have been since the early teens. tomorrow morning $19.54 will be automatically deducted from my 'credit card' account. unfortunately i only have about $16 in that account. if i had reduced my other checking account to $0 i would have been left with $1.64 at the end of the month. it is amazing how God has provided in 10! i would never, in my wildest dreams thot i would still be afloat into may with virtually no paid work in the first four months. i will be at the teller's window at univest tomorrow am dv to deposit the rent checks and hopefully avoid an overdraft charge for my automatic phone bill payment. may God by His grace help me to actually transition into a life where i experience first, a seeking first of His kingdom and His righteousness ('how in the world is this going to be possible to such a person of small faith such as i?' is my question.). and second, to experience His supply of what i need.
i am continuing to practice economies. just got a 13.5 lb bag of baking soda from costco for about .60 a lb. and am now experimenting with various ways in which to apply it to the teeth as a 'toothpaste'. i was afraid to go off 'good tasting' toothpaste but it has been good. it's taste is a little different but am now well used to it. when you take regular water in your mouth after brushing the water has a sort of sweet taste to it. right now i am experimenting back and forth between putting a little on a wettened finger and spreading it and then brushing the teeth and putting a little into a glass dish and then 'scooping' some up with a wettened tooth brush. these are the best two ways so far. if i can perfect the finger method i may be able to get thousands of brushings from the $5.29 bag. so as far as body care the next step is to learn how to make hand soap. when that is done my body care needs will be a little hand rag (not often necessary and if need be to be gotten by without), a towel, the haircut thing that hopefully still has thousands of haircuts and beard trims, teeth floss and baking soda. that will take care of the bathroom needs.
i'm also practicing another economy my father practiced, that of coasting the car down hill. the first tank of gas i got 350 miles instead of the normal just-under-300. so we'll see how that goes. i'm not yet convinced that is good for the car, as set up to run by the mechanic. anyway, hopefully i'll soon be done painting and will have the ability to get rid of it and just bike or stay at home.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
afterwards in talking to him i learned that 'jugo' is juice and 'juecio' is judgment! i couldn't help laugh, hopefully ruefully, at the whole thing. how emblematic of my inner world these days. the reality of my sinfulness is very overwhelming these days. i think one thing that has especially brought this to the fore is the number of people i have deep hatred for. what should be flowing out of me should be organic jugo=the love of Jesus that i experience day to day in my wretched sinfulness. but what would flow out is juecio..more correctly, juicio or judgment and rancor in all its ugliness...if i did not carefully conceal it...
as an aside, i am soo naive (but growing less so by the day) about human nature but this growing realization of who i am inside, has brought a new awareness to the vast amount of hypocricy that is practiced by mankind as a whole. i used to marvel at david's words describing a human encounter..'his words were soft as butter, but there was war in his heart' ..or something to that effect. now there is a dawning understanding that there is a whole lot of scum inside of every person that is either self realized or not. this is a rather recent thing..with me. i remember the many hallcyon days of past life when i used to quietly congratulate myself as being much more loving at heart than another whose anger/hatred happened to pour out in my presence. the areas of my blindness multiply daily it seems. it's frightening to be as wicked as i am. the wierd thing is that i have the sense that Jesus has forgiven it all!
but these days i keep thinking, is it possible..can it be possible... that i am saved from my sin and yet so wicked on a continual basis to such a degree? all i can do i moan out, 'give me Your love' , 'help me to be like You, help me to do what You want', on repeated occasions. every time i go for a run and pass a certain person's house who has done much to me.. i find myself praying, 'help me not to hate him'. i pray this every time and begin to wonder about the whole thing. all i can say is that i am, in this regard, maybe in some spot such as david was when he cried, 'save me oh God for the waters are come in unto my soul. i sink in deep mire where there is no standing. i am come into deep waters where the floods overflow me'..maybe david kept praying not to..whatever..without the prayer being answered right away...i just don't know. all i can do is keep coming to Him and cry out for His deliverance whether, in fact, it is the first deliverance that issues into a new, eternal life with Him or the umpteenth deliverance of one who He has already made His eternal child...'He restoreth my soul' is something i in a sense experience and yet wonder...Lord, show me the way thru this horror.
i must say though that one of the favorite parts of the week is coming to mision early to pray before service begins. one of the things that are blessed to me there is that they request that there be no talking beforehand and that that time be given over to silence to encourage prayer and reading the bible. for me it is only prayer...in spanish. i could not help being filled with...well, with how good God is to forgive me for my awfulness. to tell the truth i couldn't stop smiling from the heart out the whole time i was there this am...and that is not the first time this has happened...just so filled with His grace and goodness. i bless Him. without Him i would be an absolutely deserted orphan in this world. these days my inner experience is chaotic but He remains the unshakable rock.
my falling off things continues. yesterday caught my foot on the tailgate of a truck and fell on a stone drive. no injury to speak of again. i think of ...'the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord and He delighteth in his way. though he fall he shall not be utterly cast down for the Lord upholdETH (continually, repeatedly) him with His hand'. though not a good man the Lord is nevertheless demonstrating His tender care for me..not at the time but almost coming as an afterthot.
there would be no economic crisis in the lives of the people of an area who all sought first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. there would be no dissatisfaction or economically destructive competition if these people were not greedy for more than what they needed to live, for the promise is that all necessities will be added to the person who does so.
last summer i had occasion to paint a picket fence for levi alderfer who began alderfer's egg farm many years ago. as i began, levi, now in his 80s i would imagine, came out with a small spade and began to ruthlessly ATTACK the few sprigs of pacasandra (sp?) that remained anywhere near the fence. i was puzzled and amused at the time but it came to me that he was 'instructing by means of example'. one thing i got was diligence, hard work...meaning me...painting the fence! but i wondered about the pac..why didn't he have it as a ground cover which most people use it as? why didn't he let it grow thick and beautiful? why bother to have it at all if it is just an errant-looking sprig here and there.
recently i think i may have been able to piece a little more together..or the two experiences worked a learning synergy on me. i am very discouraged about the ongoing decay of the asphalt walk and driveway at 54. i was typically trying to keep the weeds from growing out of the cracks that were developing and as i went along weeding i had an 'ah ha' moment. all the sudden i became aware of the destructive power of root systems. you don't wait until they are sending plants up thru asphalt! you ATTACK them. this is war! i now thanked God for levi embodying this reality in that simple and yet profound way. he was a farmer who attacked weeds and did everything he could to encourage plants and their fruit. if i want asphalt that faithfully does its job as long as i'm at 54 i need to follow his example.
you incessantly keep weakening and destroying them when they get anywhere near what you don't want destroyed. i think my new strategy, applied, may have been given to me just in time to keep the whole asphalt structure, especially the walk from succumbing to the power of the root. but then there came a spiritual application to my soul. steve, you see how your sins are destroying you. (i think a proverb says something about keeping one's heart with diligence for out of it comes the issues of life.) if you don't want to continue to be destroyed, you need to go on attack mode. i used to attack by following what i have found to be a thoroughly useless strategy..trying to do good or not do bad. useless. what i am thinking now is that the attack is bathing in prayer. are we told to do anything else in the bible with the addition of 'without ceasing' except prayer. the closest thing i can think of off hand is to meditate on the bible 'day and night'. this is intense but not quite as intense as 'without ceasing'. may God show me the way and help me to attack my many sins in the way He would have.
got the rent checks too late, due to circumstances and lack of forethot, to get them into the bank. i am the closest to $0 in liquid cash flow i have been since the early teens. tomorrow morning $19.54 will be automatically deducted from my 'credit card' account. unfortunately i only have about $16 in that account. if i had reduced my other checking account to $0 i would have been left with $1.64 at the end of the month. it is amazing how God has provided in 10! i would never, in my wildest dreams thot i would still be afloat into may with virtually no paid work in the first four months. i will be at the teller's window at univest tomorrow am dv to deposit the rent checks and hopefully avoid an overdraft charge for my automatic phone bill payment. may God by His grace help me to actually transition into a life where i experience first, a seeking first of His kingdom and His righteousness ('how in the world is this going to be possible to such a person of small faith such as i?' is my question.). and second, to experience His supply of what i need.
i am continuing to practice economies. just got a 13.5 lb bag of baking soda from costco for about .60 a lb. and am now experimenting with various ways in which to apply it to the teeth as a 'toothpaste'. i was afraid to go off 'good tasting' toothpaste but it has been good. it's taste is a little different but am now well used to it. when you take regular water in your mouth after brushing the water has a sort of sweet taste to it. right now i am experimenting back and forth between putting a little on a wettened finger and spreading it and then brushing the teeth and putting a little into a glass dish and then 'scooping' some up with a wettened tooth brush. these are the best two ways so far. if i can perfect the finger method i may be able to get thousands of brushings from the $5.29 bag. so as far as body care the next step is to learn how to make hand soap. when that is done my body care needs will be a little hand rag (not often necessary and if need be to be gotten by without), a towel, the haircut thing that hopefully still has thousands of haircuts and beard trims, teeth floss and baking soda. that will take care of the bathroom needs.
i'm also practicing another economy my father practiced, that of coasting the car down hill. the first tank of gas i got 350 miles instead of the normal just-under-300. so we'll see how that goes. i'm not yet convinced that is good for the car, as set up to run by the mechanic. anyway, hopefully i'll soon be done painting and will have the ability to get rid of it and just bike or stay at home.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
Monday, April 26, 2010
4.26.10 SAMARITAN MINISTRIES: HEALTH CARE MAX MOVED TO 250K
dear mr. pittinger and board members,
i did not send a vote on the increase. 2 reasons: 1) i have very little $ and every .44 counts. i don't know how many giving units you have but if we say about 5000 the vote costs the group about $2200 just in the sending. would it be possible for a system to be set up where vote could be tabulated by email (others would send by mail) limiting it to one vote per email and even putting the vote taken (yes/no) on the next month' prayer letter to each voting unit asking for confirmation by phone if inaccurate/made by another party (?). this could even be expanded to have prorata and other contributions to the ministry to be made automatically by email, thus saving everyone $ over time (a penny saved is a penny earned).
2) i feel that in the last half century or so health care costs have been driven up, in part, by the frantic attempt to avoid the inevitable. i say frantic for any given individual, if allowed would willingly use all the resources they could to save their own life...or such is the general impression given. this is understandable when a person who has no other hope. but our group is different. we all look forward to being with the Lord. death is not a thing we fear but rather welcome. our death is precious in the sight of the Lord for it brings us face to face with the One who loved us and gave His life that we might live with Him forever. if we relate to death no differently than those around us who have no hope, what kind of testimony do we bear? how does the grasping for a few more days in this fallen world magnify not only our trust in God's appointed time for us here, but also the absolute goodness of what awaits us?
one thing i have appreciated about the samaritan ministries approach is that it has a real element of faith. personally, i see the increase of maximum coverage from 100k to 250k as a bit of a movement away from this. is it not possible for us to do the best we can with a finite amount of resources. in francis schaeffer's book on ecology i only found one principle he espoused and that is to limit self. self-limitation in the midst of plenty is hard but i believe moral and right. in the area of eating and sex, lack of self-limitation leads to gluttony and adultery. is this any different? the billions around the world that for the most part live and die with little or no health care...does not God call us, if anything, to share with them rather than take more for ourselves? in other words, we, i believe, are currently in an unreal bubble of time and circumstance that erroneously can lead us to believe in the myth of unending supply FOR OURSELVES. i do not believe this to be reflective of reality (ie. righteousness) but rather a part of what might be called, for want of a better term, the Lie. would it not be possible for us to limit ourselves, trust in the Lord for our physical existence and rejoice in our imminent departure?
before all this medical technology came about how has mankind, both believers and unbelievers, dealt with sickness and death? after some very meagre efforts (judged by today's medical standards), which in the best cases, were heavily weighed AWAY FROM the purely medical TOWARD the quantity and quality of human compassion and caregiving -THE PERSON DIED.
the savour i get from the proposal for increasing the maximum coverage is that of seeking, as believers, to be doing things very similar unbeliever who have nothing to cling to but physical existence. i sense a subtle movement away from an inner transformation (romans 12.1f) into increasing trust in God's time for us here to being more pressed into the mold of worldly thinking - i need to do all i can to stay here as long as i can. i believe this disproportionately increases our importance while decreasing God's.
the president and those who take his ideological approach are desirous of moving americans to a place where, outside those very few who in the future will be able to pay unlimited cash , medical care will look much more slanted toward decreasing trust in medical technology and increasing trust in God! i would say, as is usual with the way God works, the outcome will not please the human agents who unwittingly brought it about! God may be using His servant, human government, to bring people to God. 'trust' in medical means will de facto be replaced by hopelessness and uncertainty, both more conducive to trust in God.
most people, including many believers i know, are not good stewards of the body that God has given them. why? i believe our trust is largely in the magic pill of medical technology. it's 'easier' than to take sole responsibility for one's health. to be honest, do you or i have 1) an absolute trust in God for our physical existence and its extent? are we full of peace and joy no matter what is happening to us physically! i, for one, can answer 'no'. i'm trying to inch forward toward a place of no insurance and full dependence on God. most in our circumstances would say that that is insane. again, that is the way most of humanity, past and present, have lived and died. 2) a habit of regular exercise. the spartans had a maxim to sweat every day! 3) regular sleep that is sufficient to give us the restorative energy we need to live conducive to maximum strength and health each day. 4) a total absence of foods in the diet that are processed and thereby unfit to provide the daily nutrients the body requires for strength and health. i know very few who buy, and fewer still who, organically grow their own supply of food (fruit, vegetable, animal). we all have our excuses. we want to cheat and get away with it. trust in medical technology is the splintering reed we all are leaning on.
i realize that these viewpoints are not common but, nevertheless, they are mine and i thank you for listening. based on them i would encourage consideration of the development of a website that would 1) direct those in the group interested in alternate (to the current ama model) health care sources without necessarily feeling it has to endorse all but rather in the spirit of what is out there, 2) enable the group to interact. that is to have place for comments, opinion, other related info for truly in the MULTITUDE of counsellors there is wisdom. each one who is involved observes caveat emptor and complete personal responsibility for their choices being educated by samaritan ministries toward increasing self-diagnosis and self-care. i am moving in this direction myself. 3) give a growing corpus of information on natural healing techniques, such as you did in your recent excellent article, 'how to use dietary supplements to avoid 10 common surgical procedures', which people can access. i do not propose that samaritan ministries devote a huge amount of time to this but use it more as a gathering and sharing place for self-help medical information. if this would take off the savings over time would possibly be significant. you may find members who would give time and expertise to develop this part of the ministry or, with any savings, pay for such with a joseph-like person exceptionally gifted in this area. you may not have to reinvent the wheel, so to speak, but simply bring together a corpus of all other types of sources into a readily usable format...again, in a continuing, growing and developing way as God would bless and lead.
i would also like to encourage consideration of some type of tiered approach to maximum coverage per incident, each person deciding their max and pay, pro-rated, in accordance with their desire. socialism and christianity are similar in the proposal that all the needs of the individual are covered by the group. their difference is mandated help vs. voluntary help. i guess its very difficult if not impossible to draw the line where the one ends and the other begins and maybe that leaves it with each individual to make the choice, in the case of belonging to samaritan ministries, how long to be a part of the group.
just some thoughts. i appreciate you all very much and thank God for all you have done and are doing to show Him through the commitment to obedience of galatians 6.1 in this way. may He continue to be your guide and joy. sincerely, steve paine
i did not send a vote on the increase. 2 reasons: 1) i have very little $ and every .44 counts. i don't know how many giving units you have but if we say about 5000 the vote costs the group about $2200 just in the sending. would it be possible for a system to be set up where vote could be tabulated by email (others would send by mail) limiting it to one vote per email and even putting the vote taken (yes/no) on the next month' prayer letter to each voting unit asking for confirmation by phone if inaccurate/made by another party (?). this could even be expanded to have prorata and other contributions to the ministry to be made automatically by email, thus saving everyone $ over time (a penny saved is a penny earned).
2) i feel that in the last half century or so health care costs have been driven up, in part, by the frantic attempt to avoid the inevitable. i say frantic for any given individual, if allowed would willingly use all the resources they could to save their own life...or such is the general impression given. this is understandable when a person who has no other hope. but our group is different. we all look forward to being with the Lord. death is not a thing we fear but rather welcome. our death is precious in the sight of the Lord for it brings us face to face with the One who loved us and gave His life that we might live with Him forever. if we relate to death no differently than those around us who have no hope, what kind of testimony do we bear? how does the grasping for a few more days in this fallen world magnify not only our trust in God's appointed time for us here, but also the absolute goodness of what awaits us?
one thing i have appreciated about the samaritan ministries approach is that it has a real element of faith. personally, i see the increase of maximum coverage from 100k to 250k as a bit of a movement away from this. is it not possible for us to do the best we can with a finite amount of resources. in francis schaeffer's book on ecology i only found one principle he espoused and that is to limit self. self-limitation in the midst of plenty is hard but i believe moral and right. in the area of eating and sex, lack of self-limitation leads to gluttony and adultery. is this any different? the billions around the world that for the most part live and die with little or no health care...does not God call us, if anything, to share with them rather than take more for ourselves? in other words, we, i believe, are currently in an unreal bubble of time and circumstance that erroneously can lead us to believe in the myth of unending supply FOR OURSELVES. i do not believe this to be reflective of reality (ie. righteousness) but rather a part of what might be called, for want of a better term, the Lie. would it not be possible for us to limit ourselves, trust in the Lord for our physical existence and rejoice in our imminent departure?
before all this medical technology came about how has mankind, both believers and unbelievers, dealt with sickness and death? after some very meagre efforts (judged by today's medical standards), which in the best cases, were heavily weighed AWAY FROM the purely medical TOWARD the quantity and quality of human compassion and caregiving -THE PERSON DIED.
the savour i get from the proposal for increasing the maximum coverage is that of seeking, as believers, to be doing things very similar unbeliever who have nothing to cling to but physical existence. i sense a subtle movement away from an inner transformation (romans 12.1f) into increasing trust in God's time for us here to being more pressed into the mold of worldly thinking - i need to do all i can to stay here as long as i can. i believe this disproportionately increases our importance while decreasing God's.
the president and those who take his ideological approach are desirous of moving americans to a place where, outside those very few who in the future will be able to pay unlimited cash , medical care will look much more slanted toward decreasing trust in medical technology and increasing trust in God! i would say, as is usual with the way God works, the outcome will not please the human agents who unwittingly brought it about! God may be using His servant, human government, to bring people to God. 'trust' in medical means will de facto be replaced by hopelessness and uncertainty, both more conducive to trust in God.
most people, including many believers i know, are not good stewards of the body that God has given them. why? i believe our trust is largely in the magic pill of medical technology. it's 'easier' than to take sole responsibility for one's health. to be honest, do you or i have 1) an absolute trust in God for our physical existence and its extent? are we full of peace and joy no matter what is happening to us physically! i, for one, can answer 'no'. i'm trying to inch forward toward a place of no insurance and full dependence on God. most in our circumstances would say that that is insane. again, that is the way most of humanity, past and present, have lived and died. 2) a habit of regular exercise. the spartans had a maxim to sweat every day! 3) regular sleep that is sufficient to give us the restorative energy we need to live conducive to maximum strength and health each day. 4) a total absence of foods in the diet that are processed and thereby unfit to provide the daily nutrients the body requires for strength and health. i know very few who buy, and fewer still who, organically grow their own supply of food (fruit, vegetable, animal). we all have our excuses. we want to cheat and get away with it. trust in medical technology is the splintering reed we all are leaning on.
i realize that these viewpoints are not common but, nevertheless, they are mine and i thank you for listening. based on them i would encourage consideration of the development of a website that would 1) direct those in the group interested in alternate (to the current ama model) health care sources without necessarily feeling it has to endorse all but rather in the spirit of what is out there, 2) enable the group to interact. that is to have place for comments, opinion, other related info for truly in the MULTITUDE of counsellors there is wisdom. each one who is involved observes caveat emptor and complete personal responsibility for their choices being educated by samaritan ministries toward increasing self-diagnosis and self-care. i am moving in this direction myself. 3) give a growing corpus of information on natural healing techniques, such as you did in your recent excellent article, 'how to use dietary supplements to avoid 10 common surgical procedures', which people can access. i do not propose that samaritan ministries devote a huge amount of time to this but use it more as a gathering and sharing place for self-help medical information. if this would take off the savings over time would possibly be significant. you may find members who would give time and expertise to develop this part of the ministry or, with any savings, pay for such with a joseph-like person exceptionally gifted in this area. you may not have to reinvent the wheel, so to speak, but simply bring together a corpus of all other types of sources into a readily usable format...again, in a continuing, growing and developing way as God would bless and lead.
i would also like to encourage consideration of some type of tiered approach to maximum coverage per incident, each person deciding their max and pay, pro-rated, in accordance with their desire. socialism and christianity are similar in the proposal that all the needs of the individual are covered by the group. their difference is mandated help vs. voluntary help. i guess its very difficult if not impossible to draw the line where the one ends and the other begins and maybe that leaves it with each individual to make the choice, in the case of belonging to samaritan ministries, how long to be a part of the group.
just some thoughts. i appreciate you all very much and thank God for all you have done and are doing to show Him through the commitment to obedience of galatians 6.1 in this way. may He continue to be your guide and joy. sincerely, steve paine
Thursday, April 22, 2010
4.25.10 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
james 1.2f says, 'my brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. but let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing' yesterday had a temptation/trial...satan rooting for me to dishonor God and God hoping i will show Him thru how i live. yesterday satan 'won'. i say 'won' rather than won because his 'victories' are really not victories but stepping stones to greater victory and honor for the Lord. i was in a work situation with several other individuals where they were demonstrating great ability in various areas such as building, etc. i, by contrast, was demonstrating an almost total lack of ability in the same areas..as is my usual position in regard to these things. while they were installing a floor in great triumph i muddled one ridiculously easy thing after another. first the riding mower i was on went dead. i was sent for gas and to pick up lunch. upon returning and filling the tank i found the mower would not start. jump the battery, of course. i don't know who to jump a battery (as usual, i forgot the spirit that has often helped me of 'i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me'. so...well, go week wack. blame it all, of course, i can't get the thing started. with someone leaving their post the thing is running. after lunch they jumped the mower. so that's complete. i come in dreading what's next. if only i could shine like, in my own mind i had shown many times before. PRIDING MYSELF in outworking others. but no, the Lord had me in a time of testing, satan in a time of temptation.. the job was to fix up some little place in the existing flooring. i proceeded to take the rest of the afternoon to do it! on top of it all i committed a common sin in not doing a task in the way i am instructed to do it. i had my reasons!! the one who gave me the job gently chided me for taking a lot longer than need be, to which i responded with MY REASONS for not doing as instructed. he said no more. in my pride i wound not go to them AGAIN (oh here comes the idiot, who can't do anything) and further fall in their eyes and my own. pride! from time to time they would be making jocular work-a-day type remarks but i was in no humor for joking and i became increasingly silent and morose...the world's smallest package, someone tied up in themselves. this a.m. God graciously met me and showed me all my sin and more graciously enabled me to see myself and repent. oh blessed, patient Lord He is.
well, today, being sunday went to mision evangelica and there was melted before him and the brethren. have been praying for His love to fill my heart. yesterday there was none. this a.m. was a taste and God sweetly gave me some degree of fellowship with the saints.
i wear this cross, just like wear out each article of clothing. these are several of the many 'badges of spirituality' that cling to me like so much pus. at least this is the impression that is growing upon me. the same thing can be done by different people or be the same person with totally different motivations. the things are not sin or sinless in themselves but rather become either/or based upon the focus. is a thing truly done from the heart for God or for myself. i have the increasing impression that there is a lot of 'me' in things that are ostensibly done for the Lord. another that just comes to mind is the practice of asking people how i can pray for them. when it's of the Lord, no matter how it is received or what happens there is a deep reassurance and peace in the spirit that this is the way in which i am to walk. thank You Lord for the victory each of Your own has in Jesus Christ alone. help me not to be anyway that does not reflect You.
concerning the growing bump on my neck i believe two things were shown me. the string of the cross around my neck never having been washed in some 3-4 years of constant wearing..many times in filthy, dirty situations may be the direct reason for the bump. i took it off and have not worn it for a week or more. the thot to try and dislodge the black 'dot' which headed the bump ought to be removed by proding with a needle and it should be soaked in epsom salts.reading.. i've done this three times so far and the bump has decreased greatly in size and hardness. thank You Lord. ...so i guess i'm not to die from cancer right now.
thank the Lord for it seems He may have brought me out of nearly 4 months without virtually any work into the land of plenty...we'll see. last two weeks about 60 hours have been logged scraping and painting the nearman's (sp?) house gables. this was totally unexpected. last year had given them an estimate but no response so figured it would not happen. then sandy asked if i were currently painting. no. start in. they seem to be pleased and would like the rest of the house exterior and barn to be painted. one problem. as of 4.22.10, by EPA regulations, any pre-1978 house comes under special requirements. first, the painter must take a course on the removal of lead-based paint and obtain a licence costing $500, not to speak of a day of your life. second, the regulations are daunting from a. extensive testing for the presence of lead-based paint, to b. required use of a respirator, which for me makes breathing hot, difficult and painful (due to the way it fits on the head and c. special clothing d. tarping off the entire area to be scraped in plastic (i am currently working on a 40' high brick structure which is probably 50' long. e. special method of collection and disposal of paint chips...resulting in an astronomical increase in the cost of labor. when i discussed this with sandy after learning that 4.22 was the beginning of a new era in painting she was very disappointed. they were very pleased with the way the gables were going and decided that they would like me to paint more. i told her that this was impossible for i was on the tail-end of painting and that the gables would be the last work i would do on pre-1978 structures. she came back again and as a result, seeing that my commute would now be 0 minutes (they live next door) and that the amount of work would fill out most of the hours of this last year of painting, i said i would check into it further. in calling the local paint store i was filled in on all the things mentioned above...then he said, the only exception is that if you have a contract dated pre-4.22 and signed none of the post requirements apply and there is no time limit for completion of the project. this, i sensed, was God. this was 4.20. on 4.21 sandy (john was away) and i signed...
then at the same time i was called by a very good customer who has given me much work over the 4 years i have been in business with a big project to paint. i had thot i would not hear from them again...
this year has been different. in the last few years, i believe, every single person who spoke to me about painting, i painted for them. this year a number of people have contacted me and only one has had me paint. it almost seems like God was testing me, saying, ' is steve going to start conniving, calling people back, etc. or is he going to wait on Me to provide. i can't take any credit. God has somehow kept me from acting on my own...and now i am once again, with joy, receiving His superabundant supply. in fact His supply is so superabundant that i am trying to connive and figure a way to take advantage of all that has come which may easily turn out to far more than the now 44o some hours of painting i have left until i don't paint anymore. i am really struggling with greed on the one side and a horror of moving to the next step where i must totally trust God to provide physical needs without any help on my own. i have emerged, by God's grace, from famine into a time of seemingly abundant harvest. now the test is to let it go and trust God at the end of 2010's hours. i have has thots of paul working day and night as a man sent by God/maker of tents so that he could take no wages from me as well as provide for the band of men who traved with him in apostolic labor. this has occurred several times in the past year as i look to 1.1.2011. i am praying...keep me from not trusting You alone. bring me to a place of total dependence on You as well as labor with You in Your vineyard. yet i am wondering if painting say 100 hours of so a year might not enable me to' tentmake' while seeking first the kingdom. may God help me to do as He would lead.
reading...
truly exceptional -janie b. cheaney, worldmag,4.24.10, p26 ..God ordained three institutions: the family, the state and the church. with the state encroaching onto territory that should belong to the other two, it's right and proper to resist. that tide has been turned before and it can be again. but 'the king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He will'. prov. 21.1...activists, whether looking to thefjuture or the past, put too much faith in the state. isolationists seek refuge within the family. of all God-ordained institutions, the church is often overlooked - and yet, interestingly, the only one that will last. christians hold dual citizenship and the visible church is the diplomatic outpost for our farther country. not always safe and not always trustworthy, by eternal. in our zeal to redeem the culture, we must not neglect what God has already redeemed'..
worldmag, same issue...'president obama said recently that his commitment to passing comprehensive immigration reform is 'unwavering'...
the above is a perfect example of what happens when a nation departs from God. the president, in the constitution, does not pass any legislation nor does he in any way try to use his position to influence the passing of legislation. that is congress' domain. during bush's years it became more and more apparent that he was regularly passing the line between the executive and the legislative branches of government. because he was allowed to do this by congress, more accurately by the people, he became the template for a morphing of the executive branch into a dictatorial power. the legislative branch has lost their mission to make law in keeping with God's law. the executive branch is rapidly taking over legislative function. the judicial branch has left off making sure that law is in keeping with God's law. all three have failed to support the keeping of law, which is in accordance with God's law, is obeyed by the people. this has come about because we, as a people, have abandoned the fear of God and the keeping of His law. our only hope is i...and the next i....and the next i...start to do exactly what God says to do.
p39 has a picture of a number of young men and women at a native missionary training center in china crying out to God. i gazed at this for a long time with great desire to be in their number, sharing with them the burden of Christ...i went back a number of times with the same result. of course precious Christ is the lover of my soul but 1) i am not a fellowsoldier and 2) have no fellowsoldier. i have hoped to have married one. i have longed to find one. i feel so alone! my heart yearns to be in such a group of people but i know of no one...God keeps saying, endure hardness, go alone, with Me, into the fray. (associated with affray - a public fight)
voice of martyrs, 4.10, p.10...42 martyrs of ammoria - a.s.845..the 42 martyrs of ammoria were all commanders in the army of the byzantine emperor theophilus. when ammoria, located in modern-day turkey, fell to invading arab armies in 838, the muslims killed or sold many of the christians in the city. however, they took 42 ..commanders as hostages to samarra (now iraq) and threw them in prison, where they remained for seven years.
the muslim leaders told their prisoners, 'mohammed is the true prophet and not Christ'. the commanders replied, 'if there were two men debating about a field and the one said, 'this field is mine" and the other, "it is not, it is mine", and nearby one of them had many witnesses saying it is his field and the other had no witnesses, but only himself, what would you say - whose field is it?'
the muslims answered, 'indeed, to him who had many witnesses!' "you have judged correctly', the commanders said. 'that is the way with Christ and mohammed. Christ has many witnesses: the prophets of old, from moses to john the forerunner, who you also recognize and who witness to and about Him (Christ), but mohammed witnesses only to himself that he is a prophet and does not have even one witness'.
ashamed, the muslims said, 'our faith is better than the christian faith as proved by this: God gave us the victory over you and gave us the best land in the world and a kingdom much greater than christianity'.
in reply, the commanders said, 'if it were so, then the idolatry of the egyptians, babylonians, hellenes, romans and the fire-worship of the persians would be the true faith for , at one time, all of these people conquered the others and ruled over them. it is evident that your victory, power and wealth do not proved the truth of your faith. we know that God, at times, gives victory to Christians and, at other times, allows torture and suffering so as to correct them and to bring them to repentance and purification of their sins'.
for seven years, the 42 commanders were entreated to embrace the islamic faith, but they never acquiesced. they were finally beheaded in the year 845 their bodies were thrown into the euphrates river.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
well, today, being sunday went to mision evangelica and there was melted before him and the brethren. have been praying for His love to fill my heart. yesterday there was none. this a.m. was a taste and God sweetly gave me some degree of fellowship with the saints.
i wear this cross, just like wear out each article of clothing. these are several of the many 'badges of spirituality' that cling to me like so much pus. at least this is the impression that is growing upon me. the same thing can be done by different people or be the same person with totally different motivations. the things are not sin or sinless in themselves but rather become either/or based upon the focus. is a thing truly done from the heart for God or for myself. i have the increasing impression that there is a lot of 'me' in things that are ostensibly done for the Lord. another that just comes to mind is the practice of asking people how i can pray for them. when it's of the Lord, no matter how it is received or what happens there is a deep reassurance and peace in the spirit that this is the way in which i am to walk. thank You Lord for the victory each of Your own has in Jesus Christ alone. help me not to be anyway that does not reflect You.
concerning the growing bump on my neck i believe two things were shown me. the string of the cross around my neck never having been washed in some 3-4 years of constant wearing..many times in filthy, dirty situations may be the direct reason for the bump. i took it off and have not worn it for a week or more. the thot to try and dislodge the black 'dot' which headed the bump ought to be removed by proding with a needle and it should be soaked in epsom salts.reading.. i've done this three times so far and the bump has decreased greatly in size and hardness. thank You Lord. ...so i guess i'm not to die from cancer right now.
thank the Lord for it seems He may have brought me out of nearly 4 months without virtually any work into the land of plenty...we'll see. last two weeks about 60 hours have been logged scraping and painting the nearman's (sp?) house gables. this was totally unexpected. last year had given them an estimate but no response so figured it would not happen. then sandy asked if i were currently painting. no. start in. they seem to be pleased and would like the rest of the house exterior and barn to be painted. one problem. as of 4.22.10, by EPA regulations, any pre-1978 house comes under special requirements. first, the painter must take a course on the removal of lead-based paint and obtain a licence costing $500, not to speak of a day of your life. second, the regulations are daunting from a. extensive testing for the presence of lead-based paint, to b. required use of a respirator, which for me makes breathing hot, difficult and painful (due to the way it fits on the head and c. special clothing d. tarping off the entire area to be scraped in plastic (i am currently working on a 40' high brick structure which is probably 50' long. e. special method of collection and disposal of paint chips...resulting in an astronomical increase in the cost of labor. when i discussed this with sandy after learning that 4.22 was the beginning of a new era in painting she was very disappointed. they were very pleased with the way the gables were going and decided that they would like me to paint more. i told her that this was impossible for i was on the tail-end of painting and that the gables would be the last work i would do on pre-1978 structures. she came back again and as a result, seeing that my commute would now be 0 minutes (they live next door) and that the amount of work would fill out most of the hours of this last year of painting, i said i would check into it further. in calling the local paint store i was filled in on all the things mentioned above...then he said, the only exception is that if you have a contract dated pre-4.22 and signed none of the post requirements apply and there is no time limit for completion of the project. this, i sensed, was God. this was 4.20. on 4.21 sandy (john was away) and i signed...
then at the same time i was called by a very good customer who has given me much work over the 4 years i have been in business with a big project to paint. i had thot i would not hear from them again...
this year has been different. in the last few years, i believe, every single person who spoke to me about painting, i painted for them. this year a number of people have contacted me and only one has had me paint. it almost seems like God was testing me, saying, ' is steve going to start conniving, calling people back, etc. or is he going to wait on Me to provide. i can't take any credit. God has somehow kept me from acting on my own...and now i am once again, with joy, receiving His superabundant supply. in fact His supply is so superabundant that i am trying to connive and figure a way to take advantage of all that has come which may easily turn out to far more than the now 44o some hours of painting i have left until i don't paint anymore. i am really struggling with greed on the one side and a horror of moving to the next step where i must totally trust God to provide physical needs without any help on my own. i have emerged, by God's grace, from famine into a time of seemingly abundant harvest. now the test is to let it go and trust God at the end of 2010's hours. i have has thots of paul working day and night as a man sent by God/maker of tents so that he could take no wages from me as well as provide for the band of men who traved with him in apostolic labor. this has occurred several times in the past year as i look to 1.1.2011. i am praying...keep me from not trusting You alone. bring me to a place of total dependence on You as well as labor with You in Your vineyard. yet i am wondering if painting say 100 hours of so a year might not enable me to' tentmake' while seeking first the kingdom. may God help me to do as He would lead.
reading...
truly exceptional -janie b. cheaney, worldmag,4.24.10, p26 ..God ordained three institutions: the family, the state and the church. with the state encroaching onto territory that should belong to the other two, it's right and proper to resist. that tide has been turned before and it can be again. but 'the king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He will'. prov. 21.1...activists, whether looking to thefjuture or the past, put too much faith in the state. isolationists seek refuge within the family. of all God-ordained institutions, the church is often overlooked - and yet, interestingly, the only one that will last. christians hold dual citizenship and the visible church is the diplomatic outpost for our farther country. not always safe and not always trustworthy, by eternal. in our zeal to redeem the culture, we must not neglect what God has already redeemed'..
worldmag, same issue...'president obama said recently that his commitment to passing comprehensive immigration reform is 'unwavering'...
the above is a perfect example of what happens when a nation departs from God. the president, in the constitution, does not pass any legislation nor does he in any way try to use his position to influence the passing of legislation. that is congress' domain. during bush's years it became more and more apparent that he was regularly passing the line between the executive and the legislative branches of government. because he was allowed to do this by congress, more accurately by the people, he became the template for a morphing of the executive branch into a dictatorial power. the legislative branch has lost their mission to make law in keeping with God's law. the executive branch is rapidly taking over legislative function. the judicial branch has left off making sure that law is in keeping with God's law. all three have failed to support the keeping of law, which is in accordance with God's law, is obeyed by the people. this has come about because we, as a people, have abandoned the fear of God and the keeping of His law. our only hope is i...and the next i....and the next i...start to do exactly what God says to do.
p39 has a picture of a number of young men and women at a native missionary training center in china crying out to God. i gazed at this for a long time with great desire to be in their number, sharing with them the burden of Christ...i went back a number of times with the same result. of course precious Christ is the lover of my soul but 1) i am not a fellowsoldier and 2) have no fellowsoldier. i have hoped to have married one. i have longed to find one. i feel so alone! my heart yearns to be in such a group of people but i know of no one...God keeps saying, endure hardness, go alone, with Me, into the fray. (associated with affray - a public fight)
voice of martyrs, 4.10, p.10...42 martyrs of ammoria - a.s.845..the 42 martyrs of ammoria were all commanders in the army of the byzantine emperor theophilus. when ammoria, located in modern-day turkey, fell to invading arab armies in 838, the muslims killed or sold many of the christians in the city. however, they took 42 ..commanders as hostages to samarra (now iraq) and threw them in prison, where they remained for seven years.
the muslim leaders told their prisoners, 'mohammed is the true prophet and not Christ'. the commanders replied, 'if there were two men debating about a field and the one said, 'this field is mine" and the other, "it is not, it is mine", and nearby one of them had many witnesses saying it is his field and the other had no witnesses, but only himself, what would you say - whose field is it?'
the muslims answered, 'indeed, to him who had many witnesses!' "you have judged correctly', the commanders said. 'that is the way with Christ and mohammed. Christ has many witnesses: the prophets of old, from moses to john the forerunner, who you also recognize and who witness to and about Him (Christ), but mohammed witnesses only to himself that he is a prophet and does not have even one witness'.
ashamed, the muslims said, 'our faith is better than the christian faith as proved by this: God gave us the victory over you and gave us the best land in the world and a kingdom much greater than christianity'.
in reply, the commanders said, 'if it were so, then the idolatry of the egyptians, babylonians, hellenes, romans and the fire-worship of the persians would be the true faith for , at one time, all of these people conquered the others and ruled over them. it is evident that your victory, power and wealth do not proved the truth of your faith. we know that God, at times, gives victory to Christians and, at other times, allows torture and suffering so as to correct them and to bring them to repentance and purification of their sins'.
for seven years, the 42 commanders were entreated to embrace the islamic faith, but they never acquiesced. they were finally beheaded in the year 845 their bodies were thrown into the euphrates river.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
Sunday, April 18, 2010
4.18.10 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!
well, you'll be glad to know that all the reading snippets recorded on this site earlier this week were lost due to me fiddling around with something and not saving or posting it before time ran out. i thot that when that happened it was automatically saved, since these things are autosaved regularly...in this case, no. so there's less you need to read/delete this week...maybe...maybe i'll revert to my normal stubborn mode and try to type it all out again! no, don't worry! i won't. but it is a way i can share where God has me and what is getting my attention without too much talk about me. this week though is a bit of talk about me.
romans 12.1f says 'do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. i believe it says somewhere in the bible that the our minds are renewed by the Holy Spirit (i believe) thru the bible. the world says POSSESSIONS ARE THE WAY TO GO! in fact, the more we have, the better off we are. Jesus made and owns everything in the universe and yet when He was here He only had the clothes on His back. no home. He left the $ that was given Him with someone He knew to be a thief. He told His disciples to go out in the same manner until they learned firsthand they would always have what they needed if they were doing what He told them to do (unless it was His time to eject them out of here). i want to be transformed. i have little to no faith in this area or i would just sell the house, car and possessions now and start doing what He wants...but, even though far, far short, am inching toward it on various fronts.
one recent example...every year i take baby steps toward the ideal of no insurance. Jesus didn't have any. just reduced homeowners from 127 to $91 a year by increasing to the maximum deductible ($5000) and, by importuning my agent that i did not need $99+k to cover lost possessions, she found it possible to find a way to reduce it from 75% to 40% of the coverage of the house. so now i have only (!) $72k. if i'm still here next year i hopefully will take one or two more whittles.
this world says either believe the fiction that there is nothing after death or attempt to stay here as long as possible. LIFE HERE IS ALL THERE IS most people, from personal observation, seem to adopt the latter. God, with a bit of black humor, has put this nation who fully buy into this, in a democratic dictatorship which is taking steps to cripple this quest. (when you get what someone decides is old or you cease to be productive for society in someone's view..bye bye!) for myself if it comes to the place of being forced to pay for 'health insurance', i'll at that point take my option to move to non-violent, non-cooperation and enter upon my retirement housing in the state pen early.
this, however, may not be necessary for i hope to die and get sprung sooner than later rather than fight for continued life. now i'm a congenital chicken so you may have the sad opportunity of 'watching' me cling to life with a vengeance greater than the average worldling would... we'll see. i have a bump growing on the left side of my neck now that may spring me free! i'm praying over it now. i may take some tentative step to see what it is. i'm not sure. but, personally, i have a great desire to be home.
the world says that it is very important to 1. excel or, at the very least, 2. conform to what others do. my desire is to be a mirror for others to, if possible, see themselves. there seems to be a fear, even a horror of being thot poorly of by others. i like to 'wear out clothes' and do other things that provide a 'mirror' opportunity and also make sure i am only related to by those who truly want to. as far as excelling, my goal is to decel in the eyes of others, to be considered as the scum of the earth. to sum up, i want to be transformed into one who has truly given up seeking the approval of men and only seeks the approval of God.
this world and everything in it is a living lie. the fundamental thot behind this system is DO NOT BELIEVE, THAT IS, OBEY GOD. another way to put this is ANYTHING IS PREFERABLE TO TRUTH, SPOKEN-LIVED. (it's ok, in fact its absolutely great if you become a hearer of the word, but dear pity you if you start doing what you hear!) everything that is in place is geared to a denial of God's truth, His will, His kingdom here. (after all someone else thinks he's in charge just because he's set himself up as god of this world.) the whole system here denies the fact that every living being is totally dependent upon God every moment for their existence. everything, most powerfully most of what we call 'religion', is geared to a dependence on self for meaning and significance (using various 'gods' and idols of various sorts as stooges. the world is mostly populated with 'jews' and 'gentiles'. the former are all about trying to prove to themselves and those around them that they make the grade, that, in fact, they are better than others in the quest to be good. the latter know themselves as those who have not, are not or never will make the grade. both, at heart, truly hate God with His offer of free forgiveness and will not receive it. it's too easy and besides He gets all the credit and you have to do what He wants rather than what you want. unacceptable. it is an offense to the 'truth' that they will make it on their own way and do their own thing come hell or high water. both 'jews' and 'gentiles' in effect worship themselves.
God is fascinating in His plan to intermingle those who are His with all those who refuse His help, the tares mixed with the wheat. one never, truly, knows who he is relating to out there. some of the most nice and holy-seeming are birthed in the innermost reaches of hell, while others who seem 'beyond all hope' are a breath away from being birthed into the miraculous inner transformation who are the children of God. a church, in its local expression, is either a 'church' which is a living parasite...stealing the terminology, etc., etc. of the true church or it is a mixed multitude full of genuine wheat and genuine tares. why do i go on?.... because, no matter how things appear, in or out of the Church/'church'(the first with a few genuine stalks of wheat, both with plenty of tares that try to look like wheat)/'gentiles' ('outsiders')...no matter how beautiful, and good and right a person or thing in this world may appear... the way to test what it really is... is to speak truth to it and expose it to the light, Jesus. Jesus is the only person who ever lived who consistently lived-spoke truth. all the rest of us can do is attempt the closest approximation possible. this is my goal but right now i feel like i am going in the opposite direction.
in this world system MAN IS GOOD and GOD IS EVIL. another way to put this maxim is RELIGION (man seeking 'god') IS GOOD therefore GRACE (God seeks man) IS NOT NECESSARY God says that every person for the entire length of their earthly life,
is not righteous
does not understand
does not seek God
has gone out of the way
together with all the rest, is unprofitable
is not doing good
has a throat like an open sepulchre
has a tongue with which they keep deceiving
has the poison of asps under their tongue
has a mouth that is full of cursing and bitterness
has feet that are swift to shed blood
has destruction and misery are in their paths
has not known the path of peace
has no fear of God before their eyes
do you view yourself the way God views you above? this is not hyperbole or some kind of idle words that mean nothing. this is the one accurate picture of who each of us is. i have met precious few who seem to believe this. the, we'll call them the religious, horrify me. i can understand a person who is blind spiritually, thinking themselves good. they don't have a clue. how can one get mad at a blind person for bumping along doing horrendous things without awareness? it's the ones who say 'I see' that really tork me off. i had a 'brother' the other day who actually seemed to get mad when i asked him how i could pray for him. it may have been a wrong impression, but i got the definite impression that such a one as himself did not need any prayer, that the very thot of it was repugnant! i used to wonder at the command to pray without ceasing. no more. i can't pray enough. the only reason i don't pray more is because i'm such an arrogant sinner actually thinking i can do anything worthwhile without God' help and guidance. certainly, in spirit, i know i am constantly in desperate need of God's ongoing forgiveness and guidance. most times people have nothing they need prayer for!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot possibly imagine that. on the very rare occasion where someone asks how they can pray for me (99% of the time it seems like a polite response to my inquiry), i blurt out the one that at that moment is most urgent...or i may chose one they themselves need prayer for (for i do need prayer for everything!)...or i may chose one that maybe God can use to challenge them....and if i ever meet someone who genuinely probes and desires to uphold me in prayer then i have to hold myself back from burying them in requests. i'm like a man dying of spiritual thirst in the desert of my sinfulness before God.
my sister, eileen, and her husband, dick, have very graciously opened their home to me. i not only had the privilege of a wonderful few games of march madness but now that my pro team, the chicago bulls improbably made the nba playoffs i went over to see them play a good game before losing to lebron james and the cavs by 13. (i hope they whip their tails!) the night before i dog sat for the first time for them. their two little dogs had a good time with me.
my instructions were to sleep on the 3rd floor and to keep both dogs with me. so when bedtime came i took them out to do their business, came in and locked us all safely in the bedroom. i think i heard them whispering at the foot of the bed and several wheezes sounding suspiciously like stiffled giggles..but, anyway the idea was that if they barked that was the sign they needed to go out. bed 10:30. 12 midnight, a.j., the elder statesman started. put on my clothes and out we went. come back and disrobe the second time. 1 am, it's buffy. clothes on, out, off. 2 am, aj. clothes, etc. 3..buffy..the routine. the really bad thing was that i, who usually sleep like a rock was never far from consciousness. it was a little kind of torture chamber, that room..4...i could swear she was laughing outright but quickly cleared her thoat and barked once more in an authoritative manner. by this time i am barely navigating getting the clothes on, let alone walking. alright miss smartypants, 3 strikes, you are out..i am putting you in your cage in the basement so i don't have to see or listen to you again. it was vengeful, yes, but as usual i was justifying myself. no sooner did she, having emptied herself yet again, lie esconced in the cage and i, having handled my clothing for the 11th time and lay the..head..down..did..i..hear..a......bark...and aj joined her. i'm not sure when i finally gained consciousness. glad i don't have a dog.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
romans 12.1f says 'do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. i believe it says somewhere in the bible that the our minds are renewed by the Holy Spirit (i believe) thru the bible. the world says POSSESSIONS ARE THE WAY TO GO! in fact, the more we have, the better off we are. Jesus made and owns everything in the universe and yet when He was here He only had the clothes on His back. no home. He left the $ that was given Him with someone He knew to be a thief. He told His disciples to go out in the same manner until they learned firsthand they would always have what they needed if they were doing what He told them to do (unless it was His time to eject them out of here). i want to be transformed. i have little to no faith in this area or i would just sell the house, car and possessions now and start doing what He wants...but, even though far, far short, am inching toward it on various fronts.
one recent example...every year i take baby steps toward the ideal of no insurance. Jesus didn't have any. just reduced homeowners from 127 to $91 a year by increasing to the maximum deductible ($5000) and, by importuning my agent that i did not need $99+k to cover lost possessions, she found it possible to find a way to reduce it from 75% to 40% of the coverage of the house. so now i have only (!) $72k. if i'm still here next year i hopefully will take one or two more whittles.
this world says either believe the fiction that there is nothing after death or attempt to stay here as long as possible. LIFE HERE IS ALL THERE IS most people, from personal observation, seem to adopt the latter. God, with a bit of black humor, has put this nation who fully buy into this, in a democratic dictatorship which is taking steps to cripple this quest. (when you get what someone decides is old or you cease to be productive for society in someone's view..bye bye!) for myself if it comes to the place of being forced to pay for 'health insurance', i'll at that point take my option to move to non-violent, non-cooperation and enter upon my retirement housing in the state pen early.
this, however, may not be necessary for i hope to die and get sprung sooner than later rather than fight for continued life. now i'm a congenital chicken so you may have the sad opportunity of 'watching' me cling to life with a vengeance greater than the average worldling would... we'll see. i have a bump growing on the left side of my neck now that may spring me free! i'm praying over it now. i may take some tentative step to see what it is. i'm not sure. but, personally, i have a great desire to be home.
the world says that it is very important to 1. excel or, at the very least, 2. conform to what others do. my desire is to be a mirror for others to, if possible, see themselves. there seems to be a fear, even a horror of being thot poorly of by others. i like to 'wear out clothes' and do other things that provide a 'mirror' opportunity and also make sure i am only related to by those who truly want to. as far as excelling, my goal is to decel in the eyes of others, to be considered as the scum of the earth. to sum up, i want to be transformed into one who has truly given up seeking the approval of men and only seeks the approval of God.
this world and everything in it is a living lie. the fundamental thot behind this system is DO NOT BELIEVE, THAT IS, OBEY GOD. another way to put this is ANYTHING IS PREFERABLE TO TRUTH, SPOKEN-LIVED. (it's ok, in fact its absolutely great if you become a hearer of the word, but dear pity you if you start doing what you hear!) everything that is in place is geared to a denial of God's truth, His will, His kingdom here. (after all someone else thinks he's in charge just because he's set himself up as god of this world.) the whole system here denies the fact that every living being is totally dependent upon God every moment for their existence. everything, most powerfully most of what we call 'religion', is geared to a dependence on self for meaning and significance (using various 'gods' and idols of various sorts as stooges. the world is mostly populated with 'jews' and 'gentiles'. the former are all about trying to prove to themselves and those around them that they make the grade, that, in fact, they are better than others in the quest to be good. the latter know themselves as those who have not, are not or never will make the grade. both, at heart, truly hate God with His offer of free forgiveness and will not receive it. it's too easy and besides He gets all the credit and you have to do what He wants rather than what you want. unacceptable. it is an offense to the 'truth' that they will make it on their own way and do their own thing come hell or high water. both 'jews' and 'gentiles' in effect worship themselves.
God is fascinating in His plan to intermingle those who are His with all those who refuse His help, the tares mixed with the wheat. one never, truly, knows who he is relating to out there. some of the most nice and holy-seeming are birthed in the innermost reaches of hell, while others who seem 'beyond all hope' are a breath away from being birthed into the miraculous inner transformation who are the children of God. a church, in its local expression, is either a 'church' which is a living parasite...stealing the terminology, etc., etc. of the true church or it is a mixed multitude full of genuine wheat and genuine tares. why do i go on?.... because, no matter how things appear, in or out of the Church/'church'(the first with a few genuine stalks of wheat, both with plenty of tares that try to look like wheat)/'gentiles' ('outsiders')...no matter how beautiful, and good and right a person or thing in this world may appear... the way to test what it really is... is to speak truth to it and expose it to the light, Jesus. Jesus is the only person who ever lived who consistently lived-spoke truth. all the rest of us can do is attempt the closest approximation possible. this is my goal but right now i feel like i am going in the opposite direction.
in this world system MAN IS GOOD and GOD IS EVIL. another way to put this maxim is RELIGION (man seeking 'god') IS GOOD therefore GRACE (God seeks man) IS NOT NECESSARY God says that every person for the entire length of their earthly life,
is not righteous
does not understand
does not seek God
has gone out of the way
together with all the rest, is unprofitable
is not doing good
has a throat like an open sepulchre
has a tongue with which they keep deceiving
has the poison of asps under their tongue
has a mouth that is full of cursing and bitterness
has feet that are swift to shed blood
has destruction and misery are in their paths
has not known the path of peace
has no fear of God before their eyes
do you view yourself the way God views you above? this is not hyperbole or some kind of idle words that mean nothing. this is the one accurate picture of who each of us is. i have met precious few who seem to believe this. the, we'll call them the religious, horrify me. i can understand a person who is blind spiritually, thinking themselves good. they don't have a clue. how can one get mad at a blind person for bumping along doing horrendous things without awareness? it's the ones who say 'I see' that really tork me off. i had a 'brother' the other day who actually seemed to get mad when i asked him how i could pray for him. it may have been a wrong impression, but i got the definite impression that such a one as himself did not need any prayer, that the very thot of it was repugnant! i used to wonder at the command to pray without ceasing. no more. i can't pray enough. the only reason i don't pray more is because i'm such an arrogant sinner actually thinking i can do anything worthwhile without God' help and guidance. certainly, in spirit, i know i am constantly in desperate need of God's ongoing forgiveness and guidance. most times people have nothing they need prayer for!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot possibly imagine that. on the very rare occasion where someone asks how they can pray for me (99% of the time it seems like a polite response to my inquiry), i blurt out the one that at that moment is most urgent...or i may chose one they themselves need prayer for (for i do need prayer for everything!)...or i may chose one that maybe God can use to challenge them....and if i ever meet someone who genuinely probes and desires to uphold me in prayer then i have to hold myself back from burying them in requests. i'm like a man dying of spiritual thirst in the desert of my sinfulness before God.
my sister, eileen, and her husband, dick, have very graciously opened their home to me. i not only had the privilege of a wonderful few games of march madness but now that my pro team, the chicago bulls improbably made the nba playoffs i went over to see them play a good game before losing to lebron james and the cavs by 13. (i hope they whip their tails!) the night before i dog sat for the first time for them. their two little dogs had a good time with me.
my instructions were to sleep on the 3rd floor and to keep both dogs with me. so when bedtime came i took them out to do their business, came in and locked us all safely in the bedroom. i think i heard them whispering at the foot of the bed and several wheezes sounding suspiciously like stiffled giggles..but, anyway the idea was that if they barked that was the sign they needed to go out. bed 10:30. 12 midnight, a.j., the elder statesman started. put on my clothes and out we went. come back and disrobe the second time. 1 am, it's buffy. clothes on, out, off. 2 am, aj. clothes, etc. 3..buffy..the routine. the really bad thing was that i, who usually sleep like a rock was never far from consciousness. it was a little kind of torture chamber, that room..4...i could swear she was laughing outright but quickly cleared her thoat and barked once more in an authoritative manner. by this time i am barely navigating getting the clothes on, let alone walking. alright miss smartypants, 3 strikes, you are out..i am putting you in your cage in the basement so i don't have to see or listen to you again. it was vengeful, yes, but as usual i was justifying myself. no sooner did she, having emptied herself yet again, lie esconced in the cage and i, having handled my clothing for the 11th time and lay the..head..down..did..i..hear..a......bark...and aj joined her. i'm not sure when i finally gained consciousness. glad i don't have a dog.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
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