hi. this am in men's bible class there was a discussion about next sunday's meal after morning meeting to honor mothers. i had offered to help and was told to bring several 2-liter bottles of soda. i had decided to try and bring several of organic juice. i thot the word for juice was juecio (it actually is juicio). so when the man said, 'steve, you are going to bring soda?', trying to say something... anything, in spanish, i said, 'juecio, ok?' he kept saying jugo and i thot he was saying 'soda', so i said 'juecio' trying to see if juice was ok in it's place. what a circus.
afterwards in talking to him i learned that 'jugo' is juice and 'juecio' is judgment! i couldn't help laugh, hopefully ruefully, at the whole thing. how emblematic of my inner world these days. the reality of my sinfulness is very overwhelming these days. i think one thing that has especially brought this to the fore is the number of people i have deep hatred for. what should be flowing out of me should be organic jugo=the love of Jesus that i experience day to day in my wretched sinfulness. but what would flow out is juecio..more correctly, juicio or judgment and rancor in all its ugliness...if i did not carefully conceal it...
as an aside, i am soo naive (but growing less so by the day) about human nature but this growing realization of who i am inside, has brought a new awareness to the vast amount of hypocricy that is practiced by mankind as a whole. i used to marvel at david's words describing a human encounter..'his words were soft as butter, but there was war in his heart' ..or something to that effect. now there is a dawning understanding that there is a whole lot of scum inside of every person that is either self realized or not. this is a rather recent thing..with me. i remember the many hallcyon days of past life when i used to quietly congratulate myself as being much more loving at heart than another whose anger/hatred happened to pour out in my presence. the areas of my blindness multiply daily it seems. it's frightening to be as wicked as i am. the wierd thing is that i have the sense that Jesus has forgiven it all!
but these days i keep thinking, is it possible..can it be possible... that i am saved from my sin and yet so wicked on a continual basis to such a degree? all i can do i moan out, 'give me Your love' , 'help me to be like You, help me to do what You want', on repeated occasions. every time i go for a run and pass a certain person's house who has done much to me.. i find myself praying, 'help me not to hate him'. i pray this every time and begin to wonder about the whole thing. all i can say is that i am, in this regard, maybe in some spot such as david was when he cried, 'save me oh God for the waters are come in unto my soul. i sink in deep mire where there is no standing. i am come into deep waters where the floods overflow me'..maybe david kept praying not to..whatever..without the prayer being answered right away...i just don't know. all i can do is keep coming to Him and cry out for His deliverance whether, in fact, it is the first deliverance that issues into a new, eternal life with Him or the umpteenth deliverance of one who He has already made His eternal child...'He restoreth my soul' is something i in a sense experience and yet wonder...Lord, show me the way thru this horror.
i must say though that one of the favorite parts of the week is coming to mision early to pray before service begins. one of the things that are blessed to me there is that they request that there be no talking beforehand and that that time be given over to silence to encourage prayer and reading the bible. for me it is only prayer...in spanish. i could not help being filled with...well, with how good God is to forgive me for my awfulness. to tell the truth i couldn't stop smiling from the heart out the whole time i was there this am...and that is not the first time this has happened...just so filled with His grace and goodness. i bless Him. without Him i would be an absolutely deserted orphan in this world. these days my inner experience is chaotic but He remains the unshakable rock.
my falling off things continues. yesterday caught my foot on the tailgate of a truck and fell on a stone drive. no injury to speak of again. i think of ...'the steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord and He delighteth in his way. though he fall he shall not be utterly cast down for the Lord upholdETH (continually, repeatedly) him with His hand'. though not a good man the Lord is nevertheless demonstrating His tender care for me..not at the time but almost coming as an afterthot.
there would be no economic crisis in the lives of the people of an area who all sought first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. there would be no dissatisfaction or economically destructive competition if these people were not greedy for more than what they needed to live, for the promise is that all necessities will be added to the person who does so.
last summer i had occasion to paint a picket fence for levi alderfer who began alderfer's egg farm many years ago. as i began, levi, now in his 80s i would imagine, came out with a small spade and began to ruthlessly ATTACK the few sprigs of pacasandra (sp?) that remained anywhere near the fence. i was puzzled and amused at the time but it came to me that he was 'instructing by means of example'. one thing i got was diligence, hard work...meaning me...painting the fence! but i wondered about the pac..why didn't he have it as a ground cover which most people use it as? why didn't he let it grow thick and beautiful? why bother to have it at all if it is just an errant-looking sprig here and there.
recently i think i may have been able to piece a little more together..or the two experiences worked a learning synergy on me. i am very discouraged about the ongoing decay of the asphalt walk and driveway at 54. i was typically trying to keep the weeds from growing out of the cracks that were developing and as i went along weeding i had an 'ah ha' moment. all the sudden i became aware of the destructive power of root systems. you don't wait until they are sending plants up thru asphalt! you ATTACK them. this is war! i now thanked God for levi embodying this reality in that simple and yet profound way. he was a farmer who attacked weeds and did everything he could to encourage plants and their fruit. if i want asphalt that faithfully does its job as long as i'm at 54 i need to follow his example.
you incessantly keep weakening and destroying them when they get anywhere near what you don't want destroyed. i think my new strategy, applied, may have been given to me just in time to keep the whole asphalt structure, especially the walk from succumbing to the power of the root. but then there came a spiritual application to my soul. steve, you see how your sins are destroying you. (i think a proverb says something about keeping one's heart with diligence for out of it comes the issues of life.) if you don't want to continue to be destroyed, you need to go on attack mode. i used to attack by following what i have found to be a thoroughly useless strategy..trying to do good or not do bad. useless. what i am thinking now is that the attack is bathing in prayer. are we told to do anything else in the bible with the addition of 'without ceasing' except prayer. the closest thing i can think of off hand is to meditate on the bible 'day and night'. this is intense but not quite as intense as 'without ceasing'. may God show me the way and help me to attack my many sins in the way He would have.
got the rent checks too late, due to circumstances and lack of forethot, to get them into the bank. i am the closest to $0 in liquid cash flow i have been since the early teens. tomorrow morning $19.54 will be automatically deducted from my 'credit card' account. unfortunately i only have about $16 in that account. if i had reduced my other checking account to $0 i would have been left with $1.64 at the end of the month. it is amazing how God has provided in 10! i would never, in my wildest dreams thot i would still be afloat into may with virtually no paid work in the first four months. i will be at the teller's window at univest tomorrow am dv to deposit the rent checks and hopefully avoid an overdraft charge for my automatic phone bill payment. may God by His grace help me to actually transition into a life where i experience first, a seeking first of His kingdom and His righteousness ('how in the world is this going to be possible to such a person of small faith such as i?' is my question.). and second, to experience His supply of what i need.
i am continuing to practice economies. just got a 13.5 lb bag of baking soda from costco for about .60 a lb. and am now experimenting with various ways in which to apply it to the teeth as a 'toothpaste'. i was afraid to go off 'good tasting' toothpaste but it has been good. it's taste is a little different but am now well used to it. when you take regular water in your mouth after brushing the water has a sort of sweet taste to it. right now i am experimenting back and forth between putting a little on a wettened finger and spreading it and then brushing the teeth and putting a little into a glass dish and then 'scooping' some up with a wettened tooth brush. these are the best two ways so far. if i can perfect the finger method i may be able to get thousands of brushings from the $5.29 bag. so as far as body care the next step is to learn how to make hand soap. when that is done my body care needs will be a little hand rag (not often necessary and if need be to be gotten by without), a towel, the haircut thing that hopefully still has thousands of haircuts and beard trims, teeth floss and baking soda. that will take care of the bathroom needs.
i'm also practicing another economy my father practiced, that of coasting the car down hill. the first tank of gas i got 350 miles instead of the normal just-under-300. so we'll see how that goes. i'm not yet convinced that is good for the car, as set up to run by the mechanic. anyway, hopefully i'll soon be done painting and will have the ability to get rid of it and just bike or stay at home.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
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