christianity does not make light of sin...
on the contrary it takes the sins against us so seriously that,
to make them right, God gave His own Son
to suffer more than we could ever make anyone suffer
for what they have done to us. john piper, 'future grace'
..it's possible that even after reading the scriptures and examining the concepts we've explored,
you still find forgiveness too painful and difficult to contemplate.
or perhaps, truth be known,
you'd rather keep nursing your wounds and savoring your resentment
than to release the offense.
either way, YOU'RE JUST NOT READY TO FORGIVE.
if that's the case with you,
i feel compelled to share a loving, but earnest, word of warning.
your unwillingness to trust and obey God in this matter
-even if it's more from exhaustion and self preservation
than from rank hardness of heart
-WILL KEEP THE ATMOSPHERE OF YOUR LIFE
CONTAMINATED WITH THE POISON OF BITTERNESS.
you may not be conscious of its noxious effects every day,
but IT WILL CUT OFF THE FLOW OF GOD'S GRACE INTO YOUR LIFE.
satan will use it as a foothold to gain advantage over you,
to point his finger of blame as evidence that you're not all you profess to be
-and that God is not as strong and loving toward you as you'd like to think He is.
this doesn't mean that what's been done to you isn't terrible.
but there is simply no comfort in unforgiveness.
it soothes nothing.
it takes you nowhere.
why go on letting it eat you alive when God's strength
is so near at hand,
so ready to bring you relief?
having said that, i realize that many people
who genuinely want to find themselves on the side of forgiveness
have bought into myths and misconceptions
that have defeated their best attempts at following through.
they have misunderstood what forgiveness should look like, feel like and be like.
as a result, they've found their journey to freedom frustrated.
in this chapter we'll look at four common myths that masquerade as truth in the area of forgiveness.
...if you have fallen pray to any of these misunderstandings about forgiveness,
as the light of His word dispels the fog,
you will be able to walk into God's open air with your head held high,
your arms supported by His awesome strength,
and your heart beating with gratitude for His abundant grace in your life.
THIS DOESN'T FEEL LIKE FORGIVENESS
perhaps you've been misled by this common assumption that
1. FORGIVENESS AND GOOD FEELINGS ALWAYS GO HAND IN HAND
you may have honestly, genuinely trusted God to help you forgive your offender.
you've given Him your heart,
you've laid it all out before Him,
YOU'VE RELEASED THE RIGHT TO PUNISH ONE WHO HURT YOU.
but then the phone rings.
their birthday rolls around.
a situation flares up where they handle a similar set of circumstances in the same insensitive way.
and your emotions start to heat up again.
that's when many people conclude,
'i guess i haven't really forgiven him, because if i had, i wouldn't still feel this way.
but forgiveness can't be proven by our feelings,
any more than it can be motivated or empowered by them.
forgiveness is a choice.
and feelings often aren't.
it's quite possible to forgive someone in totally the right way-God's way
-and still have thoughts flash across your mind that completely contradict the decision you made.
in many ways, forgiveness is not rocket science.
the imperatives of it-though often difficult to concede and comply with-
are fairly straightforward as they're presented to us in the scripture.
but neither is it an exact science.
forgiveness is not like planting tulip bulbs,
where once it's done you never have to think about it again
and everything just comes up pretty and refreshing in the spring.
instead, life goes on and sometimes old feelings turn up when you're not watching,
dug up to be handled and replanted,
left on your doorstep to be dealt with all over again.
but that doesn't negate what you've done.
it simply gives you an opportunity to let Him rule over those emotions,
to stay the course and keep on forgiving-by faith.
CAN'T WE JUST FORGET IT?
many people also live with this myth that -
2. FORGIVENESS MEANS FORGETTING.
they'll point to what the scripture says about the way God has forgiven us,
how He has flung our sins 'as far as the east is from the west. psalm 103.12
but the bible never says that God 'forgets' our sins.
how could a God who knows everything forget anything?
instead, the bible says that He has not 'counted' our sins against us. II corinthians 5.19
He has chosen not to remember them against us hebrews 10.17,
not to bring them back up, never again to accuse or condemn us with them.
He has modeled for us the silent promise of forgiveness.
so the fact that you have not been able to FORGET the offense
doesn't necessarily mean that you haven't FORGIVEN it.
we may be tempted to think how wonderful it would be if we could just forget all the pain-
how much easier to forgive, if we didn't have to deal with all the memories.
we could all wish that God would just take that divine eraser of His
and in one fell swoop purge from our minds all those negative images of the past. right?
i'm not so sure.
i have discovered that the most stinging memories from the past
can be powerful reminders of the grace and forgiveness of God,
living monuments of His mercy in my life-markers that keep me dependent and trusting.
further, the memory of past hurts can provide a powerful platform for ministry
to other hurting people.
if we had no memory of how it feels for our hearts to be exposed and laid bare,
damaged by the blows of sin and injustice,
how in the world could we ever understand the pain that people around us are going through?
how could we possibly be tenderhearted and compassionate toward them?
and how could we reach out to them with His comfort in any sort of meaningful way
-if we could not identify at least to some measure with suffering's sting?
those memories help us realize how easy it can be for someone to find herself consumed with anger
and sinking in desperation.
they give us the ability to look others in the eye and say,
'i've been there,.
i know.
and i'm telling you, His grace is sufficient for you.
the scripture reminds us that affliction not only allows us to receive deep, rich comfort from God
but gives us a basis from which to minister that comfort to others:
the father of mercies and God of all comfort...
comforts us in all our affliction,
SO THAT WE MAY BE ABLE TO COMFORT those who are in any affliction,
WITH THE COMFORT WITH WHICH WE ourselves ARE COMFORTED by God
II corinthians 1.3-4
this is so important.
forgiveness is far more than just a way for us to 'cope' with our own wounds.
the mercy and grace of God and the lessons learned along the way
are intended to extend beyond us and be a means of blessing to others.
what God has invested IN us is not just FOR us.
thank God, of course, that He mercifully choose to keep some things
eternally withdrawn from our memory banks.
but thank Him, too-as He gives you the grace to do so-
that He chooses to leave behind enough to make us useful in ministering to others.
if we could totally forget, we would too easily become
self absorbed and useless.
and deep down, we know it.
FORGIVENESS AS A PROCESS
there's a third myth that keeps many people from experiencing
the reality and blessings of forgiveness in their lives..that
FORGIVENESS REQUIRES A LONG, DRAWN OUT PROCESS
AND CANNOT TAKE PLACE UNTIL HEALING IS COMPLETE.
i have heard people say, " i'm moving toward forgiveness,
or 'i'm in the process of forgiveness
-sometimes even after years of counseling or therapy.
there's no question that for some people,
coming to grips with the awful offenses they've been forced to endure
can be a long and arduous journey.
the road just to get to the place where forgiveness is barely palatable is often a story in itself.
but i'll just say this from experience:
i've watched believers 'working their way' toward forgiveness
for years and years and never getting there.
in fact, i might even go so far as to say that when forgiveness is
seen primarily as a work in progress,
it seldom becomes a work in practice.
the choice to forgive does not have to involve a
long, extended process-
any more than God's forgiveness of us is a
slow moving, wait and see, not till i'm good and ready
series of events and checkpoints.
now the outworking of restoration and reconciliation in a broken relationship
may extend over a period of time,
requiring a lot more in the hard work department
than one single prayer or decision.
and as you grow in your understanding of the circumstances that took place.
as well as your understanding of God's ways,
the forgiveness in your heart may well go to deeper levels.
but BY GOD'S GRACE
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO FORGIVE IN A MOMENT OF TIME,
to the level of your understanding at that point.
and though much more may be required of you down the line,
the reality of being released from the prison cell of your own unforgiveness can happen today.
this moment.
and established fact.
some would suggest that forgiveness should take place as the result
and at the tail end of a lengthy healing process.
while it's true that the healing of mind, emotions, heart and relationships
generally takes time and involves a process of growth,
if we wait to forgive until we are fully restored,
we will likely never forgive.
i believe that, as a rule, the POINT of forgiveness
is followed by a PROCESS of healing an restoration
-not the other way around.
the willingness to forgive is often the beginning of true healing taking place.
coming to the point of forgiveness
allows us to fully enter into the process of restoration.
just as you were extended God's grace in a moment of time,
you can extend grace to others as a right now expression of your will.
and then, as you mature in Christ, the fruits of forgiveness begin to blossom.
your responses become less quick and reactionary, more kind and gentle.
so although we do indeed make PROGRESS in forgiveness,
it is not a PROCESS that has to be worked up to.
it happens-then it grows on us.
FUTURE FORGIVENESS
one final myth that needs to be exposed is this that
4. FORGIVENESS SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE THINGS BETTER.
part of being human, made in the image of God,
is the expectation that life should normally follow an upward trend,
getting richer and fuller and more fulfilling along the way.
that's why moviemakers craft stories that build in intensity and grow toward a thrilling climax.
that's why the people who create the rides at amusement parks
build their rollercoasters to start slow and finish fast.
that's why concerts and fireworks displays have a 'grand finale'.
but life generally isn't like that in our fallen world.
yes, for believers in Christ, who know that the years we spend on this earth
are but a fraction of our eternal lifetime,
we are assured that there is a forever finale awaiting us in glory.
but in the meantime-if we're going to live at peace with God and our fellowman
-forgiveness is going to have to be a way of life.
as you have been wronged in the past,
so you are certain to face future situations
where you will again be wronged, maligned and treated unfairly.
over and over again in life-
in marriage, with your children, in the workplace, at church, even serving in a ministry
-you will be faced with the same crossroads:
do you forgive or do you harbor resentment and bitterness?
recently in my quiet time, i was meditating on the book of II timothy
-the letter that most scholars agree was the last written by the apostle paul from prison,
shortly before his execution.
even at that point, so late in his life
-after years of faithful service for the Lord-paul found himself dealing with fresh wounds.
fearful of reprisals under nero's repressive regime,
'all who are in asia turned away' from paul. 1.15
then there was 'alexander the coppedrsmith', who had seriously undermind his ministry.
this man cause paul 'great harm' 4.14
and was perhaps gloating over seeing him put away in prison.
there were others who had once been supporters of the gospel
and friends of paul's unique calling and ministry,
but when the cost of friendship had gotten hot, requiring courage to go along with their convictions,
'no one came to stand by me'.
all of them 'deserted me'.
but the apostle's reaction to this kind of stinging disappointment was clear:
'may it not be charged against them. 4.16
how was he able to do it ?
how was he able to forgive..
and to keep on forgiving even new hurts and offenses?
how do you do it when a freshly hired co worker seems to
delight in questioning your capabilities?
how do you do it when your husband's longtime, secret obsession with
online pornography suddenly comes to light,
hitting you full in the face with the utter rejection and betrayal of it?
or perhaps it's something much less severe and much more everyday.
how do you forgive the neighbor whose dog barks half the night
and wakes you up with frustrating regularity?
how do you show mercy to the friend who turned an issue you shared with her in confidence
into a prayer request for her small group?
GETTING IN THE HABIT
i think paul derived this ability from at least three good habit he had honed over the years
-two that are mentioned specifically in this passage in II timothy,
and another that seems to rest just beneath the surface.
1. paul EXERCISED TOTAL CONFIDENCE IN GOD'S POWER
AN HIS ETERNAL PLAN.
he wasn't oblivious to what was happening to him or around him.
he didn't live in blissful denial or even try to 'forget' the things that had been done to him.
instead, he dealt with the blows by letting them marinate in this truth:
'the Lord will rescue me from every evil deed
and bring me safely into His heavenly kingdom' 4.18
he knew that those like alexander who had done him harm,
had more than paul to deal with;
'the Lord will repay him according to his deeds. 4.14
when you are feeling overwhelmed by your inability to cope with the pain you feel,
when your mind is being badgered with clever comebacks you wish you could use on your offender,
when the strain of it all is more than you can bear,
DELIBERATELY cast your cares upon the Lord.
turn your weakness into prayer.
THROW YOURSELF FULLY on the grace of God
and trust Him to handle this in His own way,
in His own time.
2. paul was MORE CONCERNED ABOUT HIS CALLING THAN HIS COMFORT
he knew that the proclamation of the gospel
-the driving force of his life's work and energies-
was more important than whatever drama was unfolding in his personal life.
he recognized that the Lord's strength was not designed solely for his own benefit,
but 'so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed
and all the gentiles might hear it. 4.17
does God have strength enough for you?
absolutely.
he is able to rescue you 'from the lion's mouth'
and set you free from the suffocating grip of unforgiveness,
just as He was for pau.
but He has more in mind for you than just seeing you happy and contented.
HIS PLAN,
HIS PASSION FOR TRANSFORMING PEOPLE THROUGH THE POWER OF THE GOSPEL
IS YOUR CALLING AS WELL.
AND THE STORY OF YOUR FORGIVENESS WILL BE ONE WAY HE DOES THAT.
3. paul had LEARNED THE SECRET OF FORBEARANCE.
this is not a word we hear a lot today,
but if we will learn how to practice it on a daily basis. ,
it can become one of our greatest weapons in staving off unforgiveness.
to 'forbear' means
to show restraint,
to be patient in the face of provocation,
to be longsuffering
and willing to put up with people's actions or inactions
-to let things go.
forbearance is actually a by product of love,
the kind of love that 'covers a multitude of sins' I peter 4.8
-or as paul put it so eloquently in I corinthians 13,
a love that 'is not provoked...
does not take into account a wrong suffered...
bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things v5-7
let's look at in real life:
-your husband fails to notice something special you did for him.
-your adult children don't call as often as you'd like
-your boss blames you for something a co worker did
your mother in law says something that hurts your feelings
someone walks right by you at church without saying a word.
-it's obvious your parents think you're crazy for having another child.
-a motorist talking on his cell phone nearly runs you off the road.
what do you do? you forbear. you LET IT GO.
yes, some offenses need to be confronted and dealt with.
but many others-most of them,l in fact-just need to be overlooked and put away.
(our problem is, we tend to confront the sins we should overlook,
and overlook the sins we should confront!)
the lack of forbearance in our homes and everyday circumstances cause us to exaggerate offenses-
'until a (fly's) becomes as huge as ever was laid by an ostrich' as charles spurgeon put it.
it magnifies tension and intensifies conflict;
it erects walls in relationships,
makes us petty and peevish,
and severs friendships.
i'm convinced that many divorces could be averted if one of both partners
would simply practice the grace of forbearance.
many tensions and misunderstandings in the workplace would vanish
if we would learn to be forbearing with one another.
exercising forbearance in minor, daily matters is important practice and preparation
for extending forgiveness in the bigger issues that are sure to arise.
when we hear or read the stunning accounts of forgiveness
that happen in the lives of ordinary people who have been thrust into
extraordinarily stressful circumstances.
it's doubtful that they suddenly developed this huge capacity to forgive.
i think it's probably because all along they've been practicing forgiveness and forbearance
in the everyday, spilled milk situations of their lives.
the woman who forgives the man who raped her and left her not only pregnant with his child
but infected with HIV,
yet who says, 'every time we feel the pain, we need to forgive again'-
the man who watched his father shot dead over the few dollars in his wallet,
but who one day shakes that same attacker's hand and declares,
'i forgive you, and it's over'-
the mother who is hit head on by a speeding, unlicensed driver,
killing her two children and leaving her in critical condition,
but whose first words to her husband upon reviving from
a drug induced coma are, 'did you forgive him? -
these heroics don't just happen.
instead, they are almost always borne out in people who knew
what it was like to forgive
long before the stakes became life changing.
and you can be one of those people, too.
..steve saint, the son of one of the five men who were killed
by native residents in a far away south american country,
was confronted with a difficult situation on the return home
of his daughter who, in the midst of a welcome home party
suddenly complained of a headache
and was taken to the hospital.
..he is recounting the story to the author...
i didn't know what was going on, steve said,.
even i just sort of had the idea that if we do what God asks us,
then He's obliged to play by our rules.
i know that isn't true, but it's tempting to believe that.
it was tempting, too, for mincaye-the riend who stood beside steve and ginny at the hospital,
the man who many years before had thrust the murder weapon into nate saint's body.
'who's doing this? he was asking.
why is she dying?
but when the reality of it all began to drape down around them.
this warrior from the amazon jungle
-who at first wanted to defend stephenie from the medical team and the ambulance,
from sights and sounds he couldn't understand
-was the first to give voice to what would become their greatest reassurance.
'this is GOD, he said.
don't you realize God Himself is doing this?
and in that moment, steve shared with me as i wiped away the tears,
while the life of my only daughter, whom i loved dearly with all my heart, was draining away,
grandfather mincaye, the man who killed my father,
put his arms of faith around me
and helped me hold on to that legacy i had received
and pass it on to the next heveration.
we don't always understand, by God has His reasons.
total trust.
coming full circle.
and all because of five brave women (wives of the killed)
who dealt with unspeakable circumstances in God's way
-and whose legacy continues to yield God's kind of results.
who could have imagined the scope of diving purpose
that lay in that original atrocity,
the day the war whoop echoed with death along a small inlet of the ecuadorian jungle?
yet how many have been brought to faith,
or moved to missions,
or inspired to lifelong attitudes of grateful sacrifice
because of five men who lost their lives in such a senseless-senseless?-fashion.
no, we cannot begin to fathom God's purposes,
even when they're happening right around us.
but we can know that He HAS one
and that His desire is to use us as part of its generations long fulfillment.
if we will trust His heart. if we will forgive.
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