12.17.2012 ALLENDER V

CHAPTER 6 - GETTING CAUGHT BY YOUR CALLING

God acts in history and in your and my brief hsitories
not as a puppeteer who sets the scene and works the strings
but rather as the great director
who no matter what role fate casts us in
conveys to us somehow from the wings,
if we have our eyes, ears, hearts open
and sometimes even if we don't, how we can play those roles
in a way to enrich and ennoble and hallow the whole vast drma of things
including our own small but crucial parts in it.     frederick buechner

the day had arrived and a decision had to b made:
would i accept a job offer to teach at a respected seminary,
or would i become part of the team that was starting a new graduate school in seattle?
my vife and i had spent weeks tossing around various options,
and it boiled down to a choice between safety and madness.
the established seminary offered security,
a good salary,
and the opportunity to teach the courses that i wanted.
the chance to start a new school was ridiculous.
we needed to raise three hundred thousand dollars just to fid out if we would fail.

i had reached the moment where a commitment needed to be finalized.
becky brought the discussion to a close when she said,
'you've never had a normal life. why start now?
in a matter of seconds, my mind flitted from
how we met, to how i was seduced to go to seminary,
to how i met larry crabb and went into counseling,
to how larry and i began a counseling program,
to the (current) events..
for whatever reason, my mind landed on the first sermon i heard after becoming a christian.

i was a troubled twenty year old
who had been involved in illicit pharmaceutical sales for a number of years.
 the small cartel with whom i worked had arranged to sell drugs from a new supplier.
i learned after the fact that the drugs would be coming from sources connected with organized crime.
all of a sudden i had gone from the status of middle class, mom and pop drug czar
to the big time.
and the big time involved carrying guns, buying judges and police and threatening
undisciplined dealers.
i wanted out and i knew that could mean forfeiting my life.
i can't explain why i had the strength to slip the bonds of that world,
but i did. i knew that if i died i would go to hell.
more precisely,
i knew that if there was a hell,
i was certainly going there.

somewhere in the recesses of my soul i believed in God,
but the other 98 % of my being though the whole business of God was absurd.
death lay ahead eventually,
no matter what i decided to do,
so i said, 'fine', to God.
that was the entirety of my prayer:
'fine..

i knew the gospel well because my best friend, tremper, had discussed it with me many times.
i had watched people come to know Jesus
and had gone to a few bible conferences
and even to the campus of the seminary i  eventually attended.
i knew the basic beliefs of christianity well, but it was not for me.
yet i was glad it was true for my best friend.

the night i cam to faith i had ingested a sizable dose of hallucinogens earlier in the day,
so i was fairly fried.
i felt profoundly uncomfortable walking into that small presbyterian church in the country.
people were friendly and warm.
tremper and i sat off to one side about midway between coming and going.
i felt relieved i was on the end of the row so that if i needed to run,
i'd have full access to an escape route.

the service began.
at certain times people would stand,
and i couldn't
t figure out what prompted the shift from sitting to standing.
they read and sole back to the dude up front.
they sang and then they would bow their heads and close their eyes
as if the whole thing had been choreographed.
was i missing some hand signals or a secret command from the front?
clearly some time would be required for me to figure out this scene.

then the guy in the robe began to talk.
we opened the black books in front of us,
and he read and then talked about what he had read.
i didn't bother to read,
nor did i listen.
but somehow i heard him mention balaam's ass.
my ears came alive with curiosity.

he talked about how balaam's ass had spoken to balaam.
i was freaked out.
i glanced around and noticed that no one seemed at all concerned about this bizarre revelation.
halfway through the sermon the preacher switched and started saying,
'balaam's donkey'.
i was so relieved i nearly fell out of my seat.

in fact, i was so relieved i though i would cry.
a talking animal was just fine.
under the influence of LSD, i had often heard animals talk,
but the thought of going through my religious life with talking body parts
seemed more than any human ought to bear.
somehow, as unlikely as it might sound,
i came to faith that night.

faith gradually became central to my life,
and years later my wife and i were faced with the decision to make a career move.
why would the scene in that rural presbyterian church come to mind as becky commented,
'you've never had a normal life. why start now?
stories inform story...

the future is meant to be written in light of the patterns of the past.
we can't predict the future,
but we can read the patterns of the past
to see how God has marked us for His purposes.
He uses the past to open our future.
as we learn to read patterns, we gain an understnding of our calling.

READING PATTERNS
becky and i and our friend christie were traveling together on a half day road trip.
our conversation was pleasant and free.
after talking about various matters, my wife asked us both:
'if you were a letter of the alphabet,what would it be?
her question struck me as a monumental waste of time,
a silly icebreaker for a threesome who had been through fire, storm and calamity together.
we didn't need to break any ice..
but christie, to my chagrin, jumped in with both feet.
she added,
'befkore we answer for ourselves,
why don't we say what letter we consider each other to be?
i was irked but outnumbered,
so i played along.

we made guesses about one another and then explained why we had made our choice.
it turned out to be a fascinating conversation,
but then it was my turn to be associated with a letter of the alphabet.
when my wife said X
christie began to laugh because she had chosen the same letter.
my wife chose it because of the word Xtreme.
christie chose it because she sees me as a person who lives on the border
at the crossroads,
always pressing limits
and calling others to cross to another side.

i laughed, but i felt caught and exposed.
i am often more extreme than others.
i live more in the drama of intensity and the crisis of decision than in reflective meditation.
I felt the blush of being known and honored,
albeit with the sense that both women were saying
i am enjoyed yet it is best to take me in small doses.
we will not read the patterns of our past unless we have data from the present.
and the data can't come with fullness and accuracy until they come from others.
WE SIMPLY CAN'T SEE OUR OWN FACE.

IF WE WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT OURSELVES,
WE MUST BE IN A RELATIONAL DIALOGUE.
that's how god has made us.
we must be avid, curious and open if we are to learn who we are.
we must listen to the wind that wafts through a conversation when someone asks,
'have you always been so intense?
'you seem so sure of yourself-don't you ever doubt?
how come you seem to always hand back and let others speak before offering your opinion>

throughout our lifetime, all sorts of people have named us...
stop now and think for a moment about the observations others have made about you.
what are they?
how do you react to these observations?
do you find truth there?

add to that data more intentional feedback-
input that you seek out.
IT IS IMPERATIVE TO HEAR FROM THOSE WHO KNOW, LOVE  AND RESPECT YOU.
how do they see you, both at your best and at your worst?...

if you collect the data from a number of different observers, you will..notice..overlap...
once you own the pattern as at least somewhat true of who you are,
they it's wise to look at the past and ask,
'how did this pattern come to exist?...
but remember that some of the words, phrases and images used to describe you will be inconsistent.
...we are complex, inconsistent, contradictory beings...
we love and we hate. we sacrifice for others and we are self absorbed..

lets assume you have entered into significant conversations with a handful of friends, especially your spouse and children.
...you now have a stock of data,
and you've moved beyond defensiveness, doubt and dismissal.
you have collated the data and embraced much of it as likely being a true description of who you are.
what do you do now?

it is time to connect the dots and plunge into the gaps...
in reading your patterns-
both in terms of consistency and inconsistency-
you begin to get an inkling of your life them.

listen to your life....it will give words..
which will help you identify your character and your role in life.
listen to your stories . they will reveal a pattern of roles that you've played throughout your life.
...there will be discrepancies and mind-boggling contradictions.
there is evolution and transformation...
a coherent sense of self lasts over a lifetime,
and what is retained over a lifetime speaks to the unique role or character
you are to play out on god's stage.
what lasts, yet grows and matures to an even greater gory, reveals your thematic calling.

...a life theme is not our mission, moral or purpose.
it is the significance of our life
as seen by those who are close enough to sense how our life
either reveals or fails to make known the character of God.

...a life theme sets the trajectory of our life..
the truest themes have to do with what each of us uniquely reveals about God's character.
our calling is to reveal God
through the themes He has woven into our character. .
the questions that relate to where (place),
what brokenness to confront (problem),
with whom (population),
and how (process),
are largely left to our own choice and talents....

once we begin to read our life, then we are called by God to do more:
we are called to mess with our story.
we are called to write our destiny
and edit our writing in community with others
for the sake of an even better and truer story.
but first we must have some sense of the direction our story is meant to move.
we must at least catch a whisper of our calling.

God calls us, which means we must listen and respond.
God calls us to tasks and to service,
but most important,
He calls us into relationship with Him.(AMEN)...

God commanded His people to offer burnt offerings
and then He said,
'they make Me sick.
HE WANTS US TO LIVE WITH A HEART OF PASSION FOR JUSTICE-PERIOD.
religious deeds, be it prayer, fasting, giving, sacrifice, song..turn God's stomach when we do them without a hear for righteousness.
...we don't find our calling; it finds us.