12.1.2012 CONSECRATION V

i had a hell (satan was beating me about the head furiously most every minute. his goal: QUIT) of a battle yesterday completing the appointed 40 hours of responsibilities. this centered around my, apparently, vain attempt to make wool skin. but God gave perseverance through much prayer while working to 'stay at it' even though the 'babe was stillborn'.

this a.m. He strengthened my beaten up, flagging faith and if not giving me wings like eagles or the ability to run, He graciously put in my heart to keep going..starting the next round monday morning. as His Spirit hovered the following came from the heart onto the prayer journal page.

'thank You Lord for helping me submit to You and keep flailing away vainly, mentally and  physically, at the unknown task of making a usable wool skin to warm my frozen body. (Lord, You are far better than warmth.) Lord, in this, so far seeming vain project...having no wisdom nor ability thereto..i still commit myself  and it completely to You dear Lord. do as You will with us...for THIS is what i want to want the most in this world...knead this into my being by Your grace!...to desire ONLY You!..wool skin or no.
i need You not wool skin.
You are far better to me than
all the earthly warmth to my frozen body it could lavish.

i desire You,

-to be Your lover (that is Your obedient slave)

-to be addicted to Your obedient worship in my life,

-to be completely satisfied with Your presence in my heart
-experienced or off my limited radar-

-Your help and sustenance or (apparent) lack thereof
- in the face of
unending earthly misery,
pain
and the utter rejection of little me
by all means and all men,
near and far,
closest kin to deadliest enemy
and all the devils of a thousand hells..

-over the smallest good thing without You.

i want to desire You and Your will whatever that may be.
(that is i want to OBEY YOU, my Lord CONSTANTLY, IN EVERYTHING)

in Jesus, i thank You, amen.

help my dead carcass of a soul seek You at all times, in every errant moment..
seeking first Your kingdom and righteousness.

Lord, are You changing my inner homeostasis.
(a relatively stable state of equilibrium
or a tendency toward such a state
between different, independent groups
ie. in this case the holy trinity has its foot constantly on the neck of my self in spite of the world system that ignores God and satan and all the demons of hell tormenting and tantalizing -
all in one setting.)
Lord God come in and sup with me and keep the evil three out in the cold.

change the homeostasis from glory to glory, even by the Spirit, the Lord,
from a constant lament,
'ay me! who is there?'
(was the psalmist right when he said, 'no man cares for my soul')
to the continual, overflowing joy!,
'Ahhhhhh, You are here!'