i'm long winded so if you only have a minute the short answer is,
'because God has enabled me for the past three weeks to raise 'denying myself' to an increasingly restrictive level.
now the long answer from my log today..
they have called, russ several times and doug a number of times, without me responding.
that is very hard for me.
along with a multitude of other things in life, i am being taught, things that are very hard for me to not do-even if they are 'nice' or 'good'!
in regard to this issue,
it is very hard for me to ignore or turn away from something or someone whose need i know. now, reflectively, as i write that...i'm aware that that is not at all universal in application.
if i responded to every single thing i knew about as a need...well, obviously, that would be unworkable.
so...maybe this issue, uncovered, has to do more with my fear of man.
pridefully thinking that i am very independent and don't fear any man, God has been bringing me along in His school and showing me how much fear i have of many more people than i could have imagined. i do not at all fear God uniformly (if at all! probably that revelation is coming..) but i have made idols of many people, in regard to most of whom i have no conscious understanding of exactly why. but i am sure it has to do with having things and doing things like i want not like God wants.
so this russ and doug thing appears as one of a number of difficulties and temptations that have arisen as attempts to derail me from an increased level of self denial for the purpose of following God...that is getting done what He wants no matter what else does or does not get done.
three observations:
1. God wants me to focus on doing personal 'oughts or responsibilities' as He leads me. they are to have the first, and are to form the driving, focus of each day. what do You want me to do today? is the question to be answered and lived out. the goal is to do this for the first (if at all possible) 8 hours of the day..if not this is to be the minimum and maximum amount of time each day (if possible, up to a maximum of 40 hours a week. the goal is that this activity is to cease by 5 pm. ideally the final four hours are to be focused on the Lord. ie. prayer and fasting, study of the word, reaching out to people particularly made prominent in my spirit, reading (only) good books to a particular spiritual goal or growth, studying spanish...those are prominent right now. some may drop away. other things may be added. i don't have any idea. but the goal is that when i eat i eat, if possible, as soon after 5 as possible and then spend the rest of the night with the Lord..'to behold the beauty of the Lord and to enquire in His temple' as david says. hopefully this last will continually percolate into every minute of my short nano second left before, by His grace, i stand before Him clothed in His righteousness. (having said all that plans are great...and then there is reality. man proposes, God disposes...but this is a vision that has been taking shape for a fair amount of time and now, for the first time is being consciously pursued every day.)
2. this is not as easy as it sounds for i am addicted to SELF. i have lived a life of doing as i please..doing what i want before the 'inner ought' of regularly performing responsibilities given by God...strictly and only doing what God wants and not allowing myself to do what He wants (unless i subconsciously am storing up a lot of chips for later self activity). i have been justifying this by saying to myself, 'i'm ministering to others' when in fact my life in actuality is riddled with big chunks of time given to myself which reveals many further and hidden fleshly motives such as the fear of men.
THIS HABIT, SO INGRAINED AND SO DECEPTIVELY RATIONALIZED as being part and parcel of a life of and for God,
when it, in actuality, is brazen self worship,
HAS TO GO.
I'M STILL STRUGGLING MIGHTILY,
(now toward the end of the third week since this change)
by God's grace so far, to not turn back to my old way,
but with His help and by His power,
TO ESTABLISH A NEW HABIT OF LIFE....
a foundation upon which to truly begin being a slave of Jesus Christ,
one who's SELF is finally and totally and irrevocably under the complete control of another.
ie. struggle goes slower than liberty.
liberty, in god's mercy will come..
liberty to EASILY...thoughtlessly, willingly, eagerly
to do His will no matter what may oppose, no matter what is happening, no matter what the cost.
3. interestingly, though on a physical rather than spiritual/psychological level, i can now see clear indications that my elan vital is starting to fade away...
the great physical strength and endurance God has given me throughout life,
which has enabled me to work extremely hard, assiduously, undauntedly, doggedly is now exacting an increasing toll. most noted recently along with diminishing strength is the need for more sleep to be restored to 'go!' position. (i currently can't imagine lessening my intensity at work, but maybe God will help and gift me with increased 'pacing' to enable me not to need increased sleep...but you look at this paragraph with all the first person singular pronouns and must concede with me that this whole gift if completely taken away would only be another boon to the spirit.)
anyway, more time in bed means that you don't get to as many things as you used to.
the above three reasons, and possibly more, are why i cannot yet get back to russ and doug (or do this, that or the other thing.) 'hopefully soon', or, better put, 'in God's will and time'..
one interesting by product of the not doing what i want is that i am experiencing growing power over sin and in combating it and temptation to it.
when you are busy focusing completely on the accomplishment of an agenda that God has put in front of you this tends to squeeze out sins of the
thoughts (ie. listening to the continual yammering lies and accusations of the devil)
speech (ie. saying many idle and worthless words is replaced by restricting yourself (for time sake) to words that are focused briefly on what is most necessary and/or helpful)
and actions. (ie. if everything in the schedule is for God there's no time or room for wicked ways that continually clamor after your flesh)
although certain trenchant
(sharp, keen, vigorously effective)
lusts (evil desires) still are baying around me in the night of my old nature glued to satan who lies about, and the world system that excludes, God...such as gluttony
(ie. eating (or non-physical, consuming) anything at any time for any reason other than gaining necessary strength to do for God..)
is suspect of an enfeebled nature or a shortened life.
as God enables me to continue this practice, this habit, hopefully, by His power, this way of life of the control and denial of self (matthew 16.24)
He may or may not decide to duck tape their baying mouths...
but i consider it will probably, rather, be a blood bath to my last earthy breath.
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