this probably sounds crazy but the more i meditate on the spiritual man by watchman nee the more i sense that a big part of spirituality is the denial of things that are totally innocuous in themselves. Jesus said that the one who find his life will lose it but the one who loses his life, the same will find it. the reason i bring this up is that i have found myself thinking about, anticipating..you might even say, savouring the first game of the nba finals that is to air two nights from now (i write this on 6.2) . it occurred to me that maybe it was a bit too important so as an act of self-renunciation i decided to see the Lord's mind on it by casting lot. the lot said no. i may end up cheating but am thinking that even if i have to get out of the house i will not be seeing that game. a maxim is forming along the lines: do what you don't want to do and do not do what you want to do. (you guys know i would have fit in well as a monk) the lot is helping me to explore this and hopefully move in this direction. when a thot about something 'for myself' is more intent than some other thing that is for God then that seems to be a warning that maybe it is taking too high a place in my affections.
the ongoing journey as far as eating is now beginning to venture into the area of refusing non-organic things offered to me no matter how much i may want them! leena lakjer offered me an unopened bag of ocean spray craisins yesterday. i bit my tongue of desire and asked if they were organic and explained that i'm trying to establish a no-cheating policy where i am not someone's guest. i always take such offers, which come quite frequently, as license to not only cheat but to gourge and gluttonize. may God help me to deny my sin.
the Lord is making me more aware of how i subtly turn away from those who are 'ugly' to me - those who don't treat me well, those who don't act in ways that i approve of, etc. i have thot that i have turned away from being a pharisee but i less convinced of this these days. i think i may still be a roaring pharisee in the unconscious realm..and God may bring it to full light, hopefully. it has come to me that 'it is when you are ugliest that you most need to be loved' and say to myself 'its when you most instinctively want to turn away from, avoid, not talk to let alone be conversant with someone..it is that person, that 'ugly' person in your sight that you need to go toward and relate to. it comes to me that that is exactly the way God relates to me and i'm so grateful.
when i think of the women who have shown an interest in me only mom did not make me feel like i was something to be conquered and mounted as a trophy. who knows, she may have felt that way (i have no idea) but she was the closest to a genuine friend i've known among 'interested women' in my life. lately, having encountered any number of such experiences it has come to me that, at the deepest level, i am the beast who has never met his beauty. do you recall in the story of 'beauty and the beast' how the beauty, at the crisis point, flings herself on the beast thinking him dead and then tells him, finding him unexpectedly still alive, that she had thot of him differently but in this crisis realized that she truly could not live without him...and looking once again at him found him transformed into a handsome prince. we all know down deep that we are UGLY and so no matter whether we meet someone who truly can't live without us (and whom we cannot live without), we still have the privilege, in Jesus, of showing His disinterested (it's not at all about what He gets that causes Him to do what He does) love to others of both genders. who knows. if i get good enough maybe i will be able to see God transform those who are beasts all around me into those who will radiate His beauty.
a matrix is something within which something else originates or develops. it comes from the latin word for womb. you are living in the world's matrix. it is conforming you, pressing you into its mold from the outside. if you have been born of God, you are being (with your cooperation maybe) transformed (greek word we get metamorphisis describing the process by which a butterfly comes from the larvae cocoon) from the inside out. (romans 12.2) which is winning?
a guy from leidy church put me onto something probably everyone else knows but me. his geo metro 5-speed gets 53 mph! (years 1989-1995 are best)
keep hearing about the smart grid on kyw of all places..oh and have seen on tv commercials. they must be getting us ready for utopia...utter bliss and SLAVERY.
its now thursday night and it has continued raining off and on all week. yesterday i was totally rained out and continued my sisyphusian task of cleaning and organizing the basement. (my biggest accomplishment was sanding and rusty metal priming your highchair's metal parts as they were starting to rust - this in preparation for silas sitting in it on saturday night at aunt eileen's - its got to last at least another 70 years or so to make 100!) these torturous hours (i wish 54 would just blow up someday when i'm out working and i would then be ushered joyously into a possession-free existence!!!! and sell the property for what i could get and live in an efficiency - me and my one set of clothes and some organic food. you may guess, properly, that i am not high on home maintenance and upkeep.) i beguiled by listening to 'waking the dead by john eldridge and part of another audiobook i will return unfinished. biggest practical hit on me was the absolute essentiality of small group fellowship which shares and responds to and prays for the issues that each person is dealing with. it's back to my old house church vision.. the early church continued steadfastly in the apostle's doctrine and FELLOWSHIP and in the breaking of bread and prayer. i have been praying about focusing my attention on say 12 men. eldridge strongly encouraged the formation of a 'band of brothers'. at this point i am trying to reach out to about six men each week.
freedom house publishes annual reports on the state of freedom around the world rating on a 1-7 scale with i being most free and divides this into political freedom (pf) and civil liberties (cl). israel is pf1/cl2. it's neighbors egypt pf6/cl5, jordan5/5, syria 7/6, lebanon 5/4. oil rich saudi arabia, to whose king president obama bowed deeply at the waist, ranks 7/6. on freedom of press freedom house repots that of 18 countries in the middle eastern/north african area only israel has a free press. 11 have no free press (ie. jordan, syria, saudi arabia). despite being the youngest country in the region, israel's per capita gross domestic product is five times higher than the average of all its neighbors. also, despite having no great endowment of natural resources (mark twain on an 1867 visit to israel said, 'palestine is desolate and unlovely'.) its GDP per capita, at $24,097, is higher than soudi arabia's, $22,296, which has, by far, the world's largest oil production and reserves. the historic special relationship between the us and israel is based on similar values and traditions that have produced freedom and prosperity from virtually nothing. we do not denigrate arabs and muslims, however it seems abandoning our historic values and those who share them would not be wise.
it is now sunday afternoon and i have so many things to say and 17 minutes left on the library computer. coming over here the thot came that EVERYTHING YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND MAY BE A LIE. one for instance is in the fluctuation in the last year i prices of gas at the pump. after conceding that the average person has no intelligent understanding of how the price of gas is actually arrived at, even if any of us knew the true mechanics (market, meaning supply and demand, or otherwise) that determine the price of oil (gas) at any given time, the question comes, 'can the pattern of gas-price fluctuation be understood or explained'? does supply and demand adequately explain what is happening? hope you have a good week. love, dad
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