dear brother,
i write because i don't see you that much any more and i'm sensing that you are discouraged/disallusioned with the church lately. if i am correct in this then we are both in the same place. the church, i have learned that every church i've been a part of, is a grand disappointment. when i came to our church i determined that i would only leave if there was doctrinal error taught from the pulpit or some such standard as this. little did i know what i was determining. my life has taught me something i now hold as axiomatic until shown differently and that is that the closer you get to knowing yourself or any other person the more disappointed you will be. this, as usual, has been borne out in our present situation. the Lord knows you and i perfectly and in one very real sense is extremely disappointed on a continuing basis. in another He relates to us not based upon how we are but based on how He IS. that seems to say to me that i need to relate to others, and myself, based on how He is not how we are.
with a view to encouraging another weary saint who may be tempted to focus on the situation rather than the God of the situation let me quote a bit from the chapter entitled 'the life of faith' in 'the spiritual man' by watchman nee.
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God realizes His child is most eager to suffer if he is comforted and is delighted to follow His will if he is accorded joy. but God now wishes to learn what motivates him; whether he suffers exclusively for the Lord's sake or for the sake of being consoled; whether he heeds God's mind because it should be heeded or because he derives some joy by so heeding. for this reason, after a christian has made some progress spiritually God commences to withdraw the consolation and delight which he gave him in the hour of suffering and obedience. now the Christian must suffer without any ministration of comfort from God; he suffers externally while feeling bitter inwardly. he is to do the will of God without the least thing to stimulate his interest. indeed everything is dry and uninteresting. by this process God will learn precisely why the believer suffers on His behalf and obeys His will. God is asking him: are you disposed to endure without being compensated by My comfort? are you ready to endure just for Me? are you amenable to perform labor which does not interest you a bit? can you do it just because it is My purpose? will you be able to undertake for Me when you feel depressed, insipid and parched? can you do it simply because it is My work? are you able to accept joyfully physical suffering without any compensation of refreshment? can you accept it because it is given by Me?
this is a practical cross by which the Lord reveals to us whether we are living for Him by faith or living for ourselves by feeling. frequently have we heard people say, ' i live for Christ'. what does this really convey? many saints assume that if they labor for the Lord or love the Lord they are living for Christ. this is far from being exactly so. to live for the Lord means to live for His will, for His interest, and for His kingdom. as such, there is nothing for self - not the slightest provision for self-comfort, self-joy or self-glory. to follow the mind of God because of comfort or joy is strictly forbidden. to recoil from, to cease or delay in obedience because of feeling depressed, vapid or despondent is positively impermissible. we ought to know that physical suffering alone may not be regarded as enduring for the Lord, for often our bodies will be bearing pain while our hearts are full of joy. if we actually suffer for Him, then not only do our bodies suffer but our hearts feel pained as well. though there is not the least joyfulness, we yet press on. (note: i used to think of joy as only an emotion but have come to understand it, at core spiritual, as a delight in the Lord which may or may not include emotion.) let us understand that to live for the Lord is to reserve nothing for self but to deliver it willingly to death. he who is able to accept everything gladly from the Lord - including darkness, dryness, flatness - and completely disregard self is he who lives for Him. should we walk by emotion we can perform God's desire only as we have a happy feeling. but should we live by faith we can obey the Lord in all regards. how often we do realize a certain matter is in fact God's will yet we have not the least interest in it and so we feel parched when we try to perform it. we have no registration that the Lord is pleased nor do we experience His blessing of strengthening. rather do we feel as if we are passing through the valley of the shadow of death, for the enemy is contesting our way. and alas, without mentioning the innumerable believers who today do not even follow God's will, there are those few following it who more or less only follow that part which interests them. they obey the mind of God solely when it suits their emotion and desire. unless we advance by faith we shall flee to tarshish. '
my downfall is desiring people's approval and respect so when i get used, get talked about, get ignored, get the back of the hand i am ready to pack it in. God gave me a verse early on with this group when He told me to stop judging, stop feeling sorry for myself and start being a servant to others (i hate to serve someone who treats me as a servant!). 'be like the household of stephanas, He said, who devoted (literally, appointed) themselves for ministry to the saints'. (I cor. 16:15)
if this is wide of the mark in your case, i apologize, but i sensed you were in need of encouragement along this line. wherever you serve i pray that it will be in a place where you can bear the above practical cross and thus do every bit truly for the Lord as you gird yourself to wash the feet of His undeserving saints. God bless you until we meet again! your brother and fellow soldier in Christ, stephen paine
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