3.29.2014 FAKE COMPASSION

editorial by joel belz in world magi zine, 4.5.14, p6

the question needs to be asked again and again:
why, when we need a little expression of compassion,
do we in such a knee jerk manner always turn to something as impersonal and soulless as the government?
(note: a thought..because being enslaved to our own desires we automatically become enslaved to whoever
or whatever seems to hold out to us who are looking to TAKE a proffered GIVE(?)....)

and why,
especially when we're engaged in gargantuan tussles in the areas of education, medical care and elder care,
do we yearn for source that by their very nature have heats o stone?
last week's news alone included stories of broken promises on al three fronts:
new york city's new mayor, bill de blasio, arbitrarily cut of support to charter schools.
the administrators of obamacare shamelessly changed major rules governing that embarrassing fiasco.
and p0ensioners in detroit and chicago found that their retirement benefits might well be
less than half what they had expected.
a list of betrayed commitments like those could be compiled for every issue of WORLD, every year.

A 'LOVING GOVERNMENT' IS AN OXYMORON
just show us one!
loving or compassionate governments are a contradiction in terms simply BECAUSE
GOVERNMENTS HAVE NOTHING OF THEIR OWN TO GIVE.
everything they might promise they must get first from others.
no government ever sacrifices.

parents can sacrifice.
they can stay with you after school to help you understand long division.
they can work all day saturday on a class fundraiser.
they can explain things, a little, when your girlfriend breaks up with you.

doctors and nurses can sacrifice.
they can meet you at 1 am to stitch up a lacerated chin.
your pediatrician can hang a sign on his office door that says,
'gone to ghana to help the children there' (as our doctor used to do once every year)
and leave a profound message for your children.

even families can sacrifice.
they can double up in their own rooms
to free one for grandpa who just had a stroke and isn't his old self
but would die an early death if put in a nursing home.
they can adjust their daily schedules to make loving room
for a sometimes-harD-to-understand oldster.

COMPASSION THAT IS NOT COSTLY TO ITS GIVER IS NO COMPASSION AT ALL.
love that demands nothing of its donor is only a cheap imitation of real love.
such truths, rooted in scripture, should remind us constantly how empty
is any trust that we place in governmental structures.

try this rule of thumb:
the farther you move from the individual orbit
and the closer you move to the big group,
the harder it is to find genuine compassion and sacrifice.
for almost as soon as we start assembling ourselves in bigger and bigger groups
(this goes 'spiritually'  for groups that designate themselves to be 'church')
the more we also start engaging in various kinds of 'risk aversion'.
discomforts we were quite ready to endure when we were alone
must now studiously and regularly be avoided.

examples abound.
new churches and little churches do their janitorial work on a volunteer basis;
megachurches hire sanitary engineering comp0anies.
teachers in one room schools put
Band Aids on the students themselves;
teachers in big schools send kids to the infirmary.
bosses in little companies regularly do things with and for their employees
that they tend to quit doing when the payroll extends to hundreds of people.

bigness, all by itself-not just in government, but anywhere
-tends to discourage sacrificial behavior.
that happens for a very simple reason.
only individuals or at biggest small groups of individuals,
actually have the resources needed to engage in sacrifice.
you can't sacrifice that which you don't own in the first place.

but it's not enough just to beat up on government and other big entities
for trying to do what they're not equipped to do.
we desperately need instead to get busy doing those things ourselves.
if the God-intended model is for persons, not super agencies,
to wrap their arms around little children and hurting patients and aging parents,
then let's go to it-person by person.

some will complain that they'd love to get involved
-except that the government go there first and is in the say.
of that the government has so drained our resources
that we have little to work with ourselves.
but such excuses are just that-excuses.
THE ESSENCE OF SACRIFICE IS THAT YOU'RE SO CONSUMED WITH THE OPPORTUNITY
THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE THINGS THAT MIGHT BE IN THE WAY.

3.27.2014 AM I A LIVING, HEALTHY, interACTIVE MEMBER OF THE BODY OF CHRIST OR do i just SHOW UP at the big box on sundays?

the following is taken from the 'memoir of john bunyan' in The Works of John Bunyan vol.1 by
george offor. mr. gifford was B's PASTOR, the man in bedford when B was starting out toward Christ.

...mr. gifford's race was short, consistent and successful.
B calls him by an appellation, very probably common in his neighbourhood and among his flock,
'HOLY MR. GIFFORD;
a title infinitely superior to all the honours of nobility or even of royalty.
he was a miracle of mercy and grace
for a very few years before he had borne the character of an impure and licentious man
-an open enemy to the saints of God.
HIS PASTORAL LETTER, left upon record in  the church book,
written when drawing near the end of his pilgrimage, is most admirable;
it contains an allusion to his successors, Burton or Bunyan,
and must have had a tendency in forming their views of a gospel church.
even mr. southey praises this puritanic epistle as exemplifying
a wise and tolerant and truly christian spirit'
and as it has not been published in any life of B, i venture to introduce it without abridgment:-

'to the Church over which god mad me an overseer when i was in the world.

i beseech you, brethren beloved, let these words
(wrote in my love to you and care over you, when our heavenly Father was
removing me to the kingdom of His dear Son)
be read in your church gatherings together.
i shall not now, dearly beloved, write unto you about that which is the first
and without which all other things are as nothing in the sight of God, viz.
(latin, vi de li cet, 'that is to say, namely')
the keeping the mystery of the faith in a pure conscience;
i shall not, i say, write of these things (though the greatest), having spent my labours among you,
to root you and build you up in Christ through the grace you have received
and to press you to all manner of holiness in your conversations,
that you may be found of the Lord, without spot and blameless, at His coming.
but the things i shall speak to you of are about you CHURCH AFFAIRS,
which i fear have been little considered by most of you;
which things, if not minded aright and submitted unto, according to the will of God,
will by degrees bring you under divisions, distractions, and at last, to confusion of that
gospel order and fellowship which now, through grace, you enjoy.
therefore, my brethren, in the first place, i would not have any of you ignorant of this,
that every one of you are as much bound now to walk with the church in all love
and in the ordinances of Jesus Christ our Lord,
as when i was present among you.
neither have any of you liberty to join yourselves to any other society (note: group? congregation? other?)
because your pastor is removed from you. (note: bible?)
for you were not joined to the ministry, but to
to Christ and the church (suppose this means 'Church', the mystical church made up of the elect?)
and this is and was the will of God in Christ, to all the churches of the saints.
read acts 2.42 and compare it with acts 1.14-5.
and i charge you before the Lord, as you will answer it at the coming of our Lord Jesus,
that none of you be found guilty herein.

secondly. be constant in your church assemblies.
let all the work which concerns the church be done faithfully amongst you;
as admission of members, exercising of gifts, election of officers as need requires
and all other things as if named which the scriptures, being searched, will lead you into  through the Spirit.
which things, if you do, the lord will be with you and you will convince others that Christ is your head
and your dependency is not upon man,
but if you do the work of the Lord negligently,
if you mind your own things and not the things of Christ,
if you grow of indifferent spirits, whether you mind the work of the Lord in His church or no,
i fer the Lord by degrees will suffer the comfort of your communion to be dried up
and the candlestick which is yet standing to be broken in pieces, which God forbid.

...the said party ought to declare, whether a brother or sister,
that through grace they will walk in love with the church,
though there should happen any difference in judgment about other things.
concerning separation from the church about
baptism, laying on of hands, anointing with oil, psalms or any externals,
i charge every one of you respectively..that none of you be found guilty of this great evil...
and made rent from the true church, which is but one.
i exhort you, brethren, in your comings together,
let all things be done decently and in order...
let all things be done among you without strife and envy, without self seeking and vain glory.
be clothed with humility and
submit to one another in love.
let the gifts of the church be exercised according to order.
let no gift be concealed which is for edification.
yet let those gifts be chiefly exercised which are most for the perfecting of the saints.
let your discourses be to build up one another in your most holy faith
and to provoke one another to love and good works.
if this be not well minded, much time may be spent and the church reap little or no advantage.
let there be strong meat for the strong and milk for babes.
in your assemblies avoid all disputes which gender to strifes,
as questions about externals and all doubtful disputations.
if any come among you who will be contentious in these things,
let it be declared that you have no such order, nor any of the churches of God.
if any come among you with any doctrine contrary to the doctrine of Christ,
you must not treat with such an one as with a brother
or enter into dispute of the things of faith with reasonings (for this is contrary to the scriptures).
but let such of the brethren who are the fullest of the Spirit and the word of Christ,
oppose such an one steadfastly face to face
and lay open his folly to the church, from the scriptures.
if a brother through weakness speak anything contrary to any known truth of God
(though not intended by him)'
some other brother of the church must in love clear up the truth,
lest many of the church be laid under temptation.
let no respect of persons be in your comings together.
when you are met as a church there's neither rich nor poor, bond nor free in Christ Jesus.
'tis not a good practice to be offering places or seats when those who are rich come in;
especially it is a great evil to take notice of such in time of prayer or the word.
then are bowings and civil observances at such times not of God.
private wrongs are not presently to be brought unto the church.
if any of the brethren are troubled about externals, let some of the church (let it not be a church business)
pray for and with such parties.

none ought to withdraw from the church if any brother should walk disorderly,
but he that walketh disorderly must bear his own burden, according to the scriptures. (bible?)
if any brother should walk disorderly he cannot be shut out from any ordinance before church censure.
study among yourselves what is the nature of fellowship, as the word, prayer and breaking of bread,
which, whilst few, i judge, seriously consider,
there is much falling short of duty in the churches of Christ.
you that are most eminent in profession, set a pattern to all the rest of the church.
let your faith, love and zeal be very eminent,
if any of you cast a dime light you will do much hurt in the church.
let there be kept up among you solemn days of prayer and thanksgiving
and let some time be set apart to seek God for your seeds (??!)
let your deacons have a constant stock by them to supply the necessity of those who are in want.
truly, brethren, there is utterly a fault among you that are rich,
especially in this thing;
'tis not that little which comes from you on the first day of the week that will excuse you.
i beseech you, be not found guilty of this sin any longer.
he that sows sparingly will reap sparingly.
be not backward in your gathering together.
let none of you willingly stay till part of the meeting be come
(not to wait for one another, each one to come in good time)
especially such who should be examples to the flock.
...i beseech you, forbear sitting in prayer, except parties be any way disabled.
'tis not a posture which suits with the majesty of such an ordinance.
would you serve your prince so?
in prayer, let all self affected expressions be avoided and all vain repetitions.
God hath not gifted, i judge, every brother to be a mouth to the church.
let such as have most of the demonstration of the Spirit and of power, shut up your comings together,
that ye may go away with your hearts comforted and quickened.

some together in time and leave off orderly, for God is a God of order among His saints.
let none of you give offence to his brother in indifferent things, but be subject to one another in love.
be very careful what gifts you approve of by consent for public service.

spend much time before the Lord about choosing a pastor,
for though i suppose he is before you (foot: alluding to B or his co pastor, burton or to both)
whom the Lord has appointed.
yet it will be no disadvantage to you, i hope, if you walk a year or two as you are before election
and then, if you be all agreed, let him be set apart according to the scriptures.
salute the brethren who walk not in fellowship with you, with the same love
and name of brother or sister as those who do.

let the promises made to be accomplished in the latter days,
be often urged before the Lord in you comings together.
forget not your brethren in bonds.
love him much for the work's sake who labours over you in the word and doctrine.
let no man despise his youth. (foot: bunyan was about 27)
muzzle not the mouth of the ox that treads out the corn to you.
search the scriptures. let some of them be read to you about this thing.
if the members at such a time will go to a public ministry, it must first be approved of by the church.
farewell: exhort, counsel, support, reprove one another in love.

finally, brethren, be all of one mind,
walk in love one to another, even as Christ Jesus hath loved you and given Himself for you.
SEARCH THE SCRIPTURES FOR A SUPPLY OF THOSE THINGS WHEREIN I AM WANTING.
now the God of peace, who raised up our Lord Jesus Christ from the dead,
multiply His peace upon you and preserve you to His everlasting kingdom of Jesus Christ.
stand fast. the Lord is at hand.
that this was written by me, i have set my name to it in the presence of two of the brethren of the church.

..

3.25.2014 JOHN BUNYAN'S WAR or BEING BROUGHT TO PEACE AND POSITION IN CHRIST

this is found in 'memoir of john bunyan', the first selection in 'the works of john bunyan' volume 1, by george orford  a blessed account to me in my war..may a few blessed be called by this blessed account to war to peace as though their eternal bliss rested solely in this. Jesus, 'AGONIZE to enter the narrow door,
FOR MANY WILL SEEK TO ENTER IN BUT WILL NOT BE ABLE.

'how often have saints of god been made a most unexpected blessing to others!
the good seed of divine truth has been many times sown by those who did not GO OUT TO SOW,
but who were profitably engaged in cultivating their own graces,
enjoying the communion of saints
and advancing their own personal happiness! (doing the work of an evangelist because God happily
opened their mouths wide and publicly to show forth His praise! psalm 51.15
thing of a few poor but pious happy women sitting in the sun one beautiful summer's day,
before one of their cottages, probably each one with her pillow on her lap,,
dexterously twisting the bobbins to make lace,
the profits of which helped to maintain their children.
while they are communing of the things of God,
a travelling tinker (a mender of pots, kettles and pans) draws near and, overhearing their talk,
takes up  a position where he might listen to  their converse while he pursued his avocation.
their words distill into his soul;
they speak the language of canaan;
they talk of holy enjoyments, the result of being born again,
acknowledging their miserable state by nature
and how freely and undeservedly God had visited their hearts with pardoning mercy
and supported them while suffering the assaults and suggestions of satan;
how they had been borne up in every dark, cloudy, stormy day;
and how they contemned, slighted and abhorred their own righteousness as filthy
and insufficient to do them any good.
the learned discourses our tinker had heard at church had casually passed over his mind like evanescent clouds
and left little or no lasting impression.
but these poor women, 'methought they spake as if joy did make them speak;
they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language
and with such appearance of grace in all they said,
that they were to me as if they had found a new world,
as if they were people that dwelt alone
and were not to be reckoned among the nations'. num. 23.9

O! how little did they imagine that their pious converse was to be the means employed by the Holy Spirit
in the conversion of that poor tinker
and that, by their agency, he was to be transformed into one of the brightest luminaries of heaven;
who, when he had entered into rest would leave his works to follow him as spiritual thunder
to pierce the hearts of the impenitent
and as heavenly consolation to bind up the broken hearted;
liberating the prisoners of Giant Despair
(such figures throughout are taken from bunyan's 'pilgrim's progress' and 'the holy war')
and directing the pilgrims to the Celestial City.
thus were blessings in rich abundance showered down upon the church by the instrumentality,
of a woman that was a sinner
(note: not a saved one but one who was manifestly without an interest in Christ...she will appear further on)
but most eminently by the christian converse of a few poor but pious women.

this poverty stricken, ragged tinker was the son of a working mechanic
(a person  who is skilled in the use of tools). at elstow, near bedford.
so obscure was his origin that even the christian name of his father is yet unknown.
he was born in 1628, a year memorable as that in which the bill of rights was passed
then began the struggle against arbitrary power, which was over thrown in 1688,
the year of B's death, by the accession of william III.
he lived to witness the most important era in the history of his country (england).
of B's parents his infancy and childhood little is recorded.
all that we know is from his own account and that principally contained in his doctrine of
the Law and Grace,
in his spiritual life, under the title of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners.
...he says' my descent was of a low and inconsiderable generation,
my father's house being of that rank that is meanest
and most despised of all the families in the land'.
..in the life of bunyan appended to the ..third part of Pilgrim's Progress,
his father is described as 'an honest poor labouring man,
who, like adam unparadised, had all the world before him to get his bread in
and was very careful and industrious to maintain his family'.
happily for B he was born in a neighbourhood in which it was a disgrace to any parents
not to have their children educated.
with gratitude he records, that 'it pleased God to put it into their hearts
to put me to school to learn both to read and write'. 
in the neighbourhood of his birthplace, a noble charity diffused the blessings of lettered knowledge.
to this charity
b was for a short period indebted for the rudiments of education;
but, alas, evil associates made awful havoc of those slight unshapen literary impressions
which had been made upon a mind boisterous and impatient of discipline.
he says-'to my shame, i confess i did soon lose that little i learned and that almost utterly'.
....as soon as his strength enabled him, he devoted his whole soul and body to licentiousness
-'as for my won natural life, for the time that i was without god in the world,
it was indeed according to the course of this world
and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience.
it was my delight to be taken captive by the devil at his will:
being filled with all unrighteousness;
that from a child i had but few equals-both for cursing, swearing, lying,
and blaspheming the holy name of God'.
he appears to have been more wantonly profane than intemperate or sensual.

...B's parents do not appear to have checked or attempted to counteract his unbridled career of wickedness.
he gives no hint of the king, but when he notices his wire's father , he adds that he 'was counted godly'..
and in his beautiful non sectarian catechism,
there is a very touching conclusion to his instructions to children on their behavior to their parents
-'the Lord, if it be his will, convert our poor parents
that they with us, may be the children of god'.
these fervent expressions may have had reference to his own parents
and connecting them with other evidence, it appears that he was not blessed with prior example.
upon one occasion when severely reproved for swearing, he says
-'i wished with all my heart that i might be a little child again,
that my father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing'.
in his numerous confessions he never expresses pain at having, by his vicious conduct,
occasioned grief to his father or mother.
from this it may be inferred that neither his father's example nor precept had checked this
wretched propensity to swearing
and that he owed nothing to his parents for moral training,
but, on the contrary, they had connived at and encouraged him in a course of life which made him
a curse to the neighbourhood in which he lived.

....he...describes himself: -'i speak by experience..i was one of those great sin breeders.
i infected all the youth of the town where i was born.
the neighbours counted me so, my practice proved me so.
wherefore, Christ Jesus took me first,
and taking me first the contagion was much allayed all the won over.
when god made me sigh they would hearken and inquiringly say,
what's the matter with john?
when i went out to seek the bread of life some of them would follow and the rest be put into a muse at home
some of them perceiving that God had mercy upon me came crying to Him for mercy too'.
can any one, in the face of such language, doubt that he was most eminently 'a brand snatched from the fire',
a pitchy burning brand known and seen as such by all who witnessed his conduct?
he pointedly exemplified the character set forth by James,
'the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity-set on fire of hell'. james 3.6.
dr. ryland gives a just estimate of B's character before his conversion:
'a very worthless , wicked man-a sinner of the baser sort-a most abandoned swearer
-a sabbath breaker-an outrageous rebel to god and all that was good in heaven and earth-
a wretch that totally neglected, despised, abused and exposed his own soul to eternal destruction
-a man who took more pains to be damned than most professors ever take to be saved;
and who pawned his soul to all eternity on the credit of the devil's lie,
for a moment's wicked pleasure.
now be astonished O heavens, this very man became a miracle of mercy
-a mirror of wisdom, goodness, holiness, truth and love.
this was as publicly known before his conversion as the effects of the wondrous change
were openly seen in his christian career afterwards.

...during this period of his childhood, while striving to harden his heart against god,
many were the glimmerings of light which from time to time directed his unwilling eyes
to the dread eternity.
in the still hours of the night 'in a dream God opened his ears
-the dreadful vision was that 'devils and wicked spirits laboured to draw me away with them'.
these thoughts must have left a deep and alarming impression upon his mind:
for he adds, 'of which i could never be rid'.
thus, according to Job, their dreams 'sealeth their instruction'.

..one of his person friends give the following account of B's profligacy and his checks of conscience
-'he himself hath often, since his conversion, confessed with horror
-that when he was but a child or stripling,
he had but few equals for lying, swearing and blaspheming God's holy name.
so utterly reckless was he that he could have thrown up cross or pile
(foot. tossing up a groat-same as our 'head or tail'.)
the first thing that sensibly touched him in this his unregenerate state
were fearful dreams and visions of the night,
which often made him cry out in his sleep and alarm the house,
as if somebody had been about to murder him
and being waked, he would start and stare about him with such a wildness,
as if some real apparition had yet remained
and generally those dreams were about evil spirits,
in monstrous shapes and forms that presented themselves to him in threatening postures,
as if some real apparition had yet remained
and generally those dreams were about evil spirits in monstrous shapes and forms ,
that presented themselves to him in threatening postures,
as if they would have taken him away or torn him in pieces.
as some times they seemed to belch flame, at other times a contiguous smoke,
with horrible noises and roaring.
once he dreamed he saw the face of the heavens, as it were, all on fire;
the firmament crackling and shivering, as it were,
with the noise of mighty thunders and an archangel flew in the midst of heaven, sounding a trumpet
and a glorious throne was seated in the east whereon sat one in brightness,like the morning star,
upon which he, thinking it was the end of the world, fell upon his knees
and with uplifted hands towards heaven cried, O Lord God have mercy upon me!
what shall i do, the day of judgment is come and i am not prepared!
when immediately he heard a voice behind him exceeding loud saying, repent.
at another time he dreamed that he was in a pleasant place,
jovial and rioting, banqueting and feasting his senses,
when a mighty earthquake suddenly rent the earth and made a wide gap,
out of which came bloody flames and the figures of men tossed up in globes of fire
and falling down again with horrible cries, shrieks and execrations,
whilst some devils that were mingled with them, laughed aloud at their torments
and whilst he stood trembling at this sight, he thought the earth sunk under him
and a circle of flame inclosed him;
but when he fancied he was just at the point to perish,
one in white shining raiment descended and plucked him out of that dreadful place;
whilst the devils cried after him, to leave him with them, to take the just punishment his sins had deserved,
yet he escaped the danger and leaped for joy when he awoke and found it was a dream'.

...'his neglecting his business and following gaming and sport time,
to put melancholy thoughts out of his mind,
which he always could not do, had rendered him very poor and despicable'.

in this forlorn and miserable state he was induced by the persuasion of friends,
under the invisible guidance of god, to enter into the marriage state.
such a youth, then only 20 years of age,
would naturally be expected to marry some young woman as hardened as himself,
but he made a very  different choice.
his earliest biographer says, with singular simplicity,
'his poverty and irregular course of life made it very difficult for him to get a wife suitable to his inclination
and because none that were rich would yield to his allurements,
he found himself constrained to marry one without any fortune,
though very virtuous, loving and conformably obedient and obliging,
being born of good,  honest, godly parents, who had instructed her, as well as they were able,
in the ways of truth and saving knowledge'.
the idea of his seeking a rich wife is sufficiently droll;
he must have been naturally a persuasive lover to have gained so good a helpmate
and she a confiding young woman,  to run the risk of being so unequally yoked.
they wee not troubled with sending cards, cake or gloves
nor with the ceremony of receiving the visits of their friends in state;
for he says, that 'this woman and i came together as poor as poor might be,
not having so much household stuff as a dish or spoon betwixt us both'.
his wife had two books, the Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven and the Practice of Piety;
but what was of more importance than wealth or household stuff,
she had that seed sown in her heart which no thief could steal.
she enticed and persuaded him to read those books and to attend divine service.
but for her he could not have read them.
'to the voice of his wife he hearkened and by that means against recovered his reading,
which by not minding before he had almost lost'.
his wife became an unspeakable blessing to him.
she presents a pattern to any woman who
having neglected the apostolic injunction not to be unequally yoked,
finds herself under the dominion of a swearing dare devil.
it affords a lovely proof of the insinuating benign power of female influence.
she won his affections and became as apt a teacher as he a learner.
this was the more surprising as he says,
'the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me'
and when 'books that concerned christian piety were read in my hearing, it was as it were a prison to me'.
in spite of all obstacles, his rugged heart was softened by her tenderness and obedience,
he 'going on at the old rate',
while his wife upon every proper season explained to him
how her father's piety secured his own and his family's happiness.
here was no upbraiding, no snubbing, no curtain lectures;
all was affectionate, amiable mildness.
at first he became occasionally alarmed for his soul's salvation;
then with the thought of having sinned away the day of grace,
he plunged again into sin with greediness;
anon a faint hope of mercy would fell him with fear and trembling.
but this leads us to the wondrous narrative of his new birth.

all nature is progressive.
if an infant was suddenly to arrive at manhood, how idiotic and dangerous he would be!
a long training is essential to fit the human being for the important duties of life
and just so is it in the new birth to spiritual existence
-first a babe, then the young man;  at length the full stature
and at last the experienced christian.
this is the course with every ordinary member of the christian church.
but in proportion as the man is to become a leader and confessor in the cause of Christ
-one upon whom the eyes of the world were to be fixed for ages to come-
his experience in spiritual things was to be more profound.

the narrative of B's progress in his conversion is, without exception,
the most astonishing of any that has been published.
it is well calculated to excite the profoundest investigation of the christian philosopher.
whence came those sudden suggestions, those gloomy fears, those heavenly rays of joy?
much learning certainly did not make him mad.
the christian dares not attribute these intense feelings to a distempered brain.
whence came the invisible power that struck paul from his horse/
who was it that scared job with dreams and terrified him with visions?
what messenger of satan buffeted paul?
who put 'a new song' into the mouth of david?
we have no space in this short memoir to attempt the drawing a line between
convictions of sin and the terrors of a distempered brain.
B's opinions upon this subject are deeply interesting and are fully developed in his Holy War.
the capabilities of the soul to entertain vast armies of thoughts, strong and feeble,
represented as men, women and children, are so great as almost to perplex the strongest understanding.
all these multitudes of warriors are the innumerable thoughts- the strife - in ONE soul.
upon such a subject an interesting volume might be written.
but we must fix our attention upon the poor tinker who was the subject of this wondrous war.

the tender and wise efforts of mrs. B to reclaim her husband,
were attended by the divine blessing and soon led to many resolutions on his part,
to curb his sinful propensities and to promote an OUTWARD reformation.
his first effort was regularly to attend divine worship.

'i fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times, to wit, to go to church twice a day
and that too with the foremost,
and there should very devoutly both say and sing as others did,
yet retaining my wicked life.
but withal, i was so overrun with a spirit of superstition that i adored , and that with great devotion,
even all things, both the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service and what else belonging to the church,
counting all things holy that were therein contained
and especially the priest and clerk most happy and without greatly blessed,
because they were the servants, as i then thought, of God
and were principal in the holy temple to do His work therein'=.
this conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit
that had i but seen a priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his life,
i should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him and knit unto him.
yea i though for the love i did bear unto them, supposing they were the ministers of God,
i could have lain down at their feet and have been trampled upon by them,
their name, their garb and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me'.

truly does he charge himself with being intoxicated and bewitched with priestcraft.
how soon a spirit of superstition kindled into a flame and how fiercely it burned!
his devotion was not to God, for of Him he knew little or nothing...
it was his mercy to begin where multitudes end.

...12 in 1644 when the Book of Common Prayer was abolished,
an act was passed for the better observance of the Lord's day.
all persons were prohibited on that day to use any
wrestlings, shooting, bowling, ringing of bells for pastime, masques, wakes, church ales, dancing, game, sports or pastime whatever,
and that 'the Book of Sports (something previously used to promote the same)
shall be seized and publicly burnt'.
during the civil war this act does not appear to have been strictly enforced,
for 4 years after it was passed we find B and his dissolute companions
worshipping the priest, clerk and vestments on the sunday morning
and assembling for their sabbath breaking sports in the afternoon.
it was upon one of these occasions that a most extraordinary impression was fixed upon the spirit of B.
a remarkable scene took place..this event cannot be better described than in his own words:
'one day amongst all the sermons our parson made his subject was to treat of the sabbath day
and of the evil of breaking that either with labour, sports or otherwise.
now i was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice
and especially that was the day that i did solace myself therewith.
wherefore i fell in my conscience under his sermon,
thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing.
and at that time i felt what guilt was, though never before that i can remember.
but then i was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith and so went home when the sermon ended
with a great burden upon my spirit.

this, for that instant, did benumb the sinews of my best delights
and did embitter my former pleasures to me.
but behold it lasted not, for before i had well dined the trouble began to go off my mind
and my heart returned to its old course.
but O! how glad was i that this trouble was gone from me
and that the fire was put out, that i might sin again without control!
wherefore, when i had satisfied nature with my food.
i shook the sermon out of my mind and to my old custom of sports and gaming i returned with great delight.

but the same day, as i was in the midst of a game at cat,
and having struck it one blow from the hole,
just as i was about to strike it the second time,
a voice did suddenly dart from heaven  into my soul, which said,
'wilt thou LEAVE thy sins and go to heaven or HAVE thy sins and go to hell?
at this i was put to an exceeding maze.
wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, i looked up to heaven
and was as if i had, with the eyes of my understanding,
seen the lord Jesus looking down upon me as being very hotly displeased with me
and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment
for these and other my ungodly practices.

i had no sooner thus conceived in my mind,
but suddenly this conclusion was fastened on my spirit,
for the former hint did set my sins again before my face,
that i had been a great and grievous sinner
and that it was now too, too late for me to look after heaven.
for Christ would not forgive me nor pardon my transgressions.
they i fell to musing upon this also and while i was thinking on it and fearing  lest it should be so,
i felt my heart sink in despair concluding it was too late.
and therefore i resolved in my mind i would go on in sin.
for, though i, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable.
miserable if i leave my sins ..
but miserable if i follow them.
i can be but damned and if i must be so i had as good be damned for many sins,
as be damned for few.

thus i stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were present:
but yet i told them nothing.
but i say, i having made this conclusion, i returned desperately to my s0port again
and i well remember that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul,
that i was persuaded i could never attain to other comfort than what i should get in sin;
for heave was gone already.
so that on that i must not think.

the next blow which fell upon his hardened spirit was still more deeply felt,
because it was given by one from whom he could the least have expected it.
he was standing at a neighbour's shop window, 'belching out oaths like the madman that solomon speaks of,
who scatters abroad firebrands, arrows and death' after his wonted manner.
he exemplified the character drawn by the psalmist
-'as he clothed himself with cursing like as with his garment:
so let it come into his bowels like water and like oil into his bones'.
here was a disease that set all human skill at defiance,
but the great, the Almighty physician cured it with strange physic.
had any professor reproved him, it might have been passed by as a matter of course;
but it was so ordered that a woman who was notoriously
'a very loose and ungodly wretch', protested that she trembled to hear him swear and curse at that most fearful rate;
that he was the ungodliest fellow she had ever heard
and that he was able to spoil all the youth in a whole town'.
public reproof from the lips of such a woman was an arrow that pierced his inmost soul;
it effected a reformation marvellous to all his companions and bordering on miraculous.
the walls of a fortified city were once thrown down by a shout and the tiny blast of rams' horns. joshua 6.20
and this instance, the foundations of Heart Castle, fortified by satan are shaken
by the voice of one of his own emissaries.
mortified and convicted, the foul mouthed blasphemer swore no more.
an outward reformation in words and conduct took place, but without inward spiritual life.
thus was he making vows to god and breaking them,
repenting and promising to do better next time.
so, to use his own homely phrase, he was 'feeding God with chapters and prayers and promises and vows
and a great many more such dainty dishes and thinks that he serveth God as well as any man in england can
-while he has only got into a cleaner way to hell than the rest of his neighbours are in.

such a conversion, as he himself calls it, was
'from prodigious profaneness to something like a moral life'.
'now i was, as they said, become godly
and their words pleased me well,
though as yet i was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite'.
these are hard words, but in the most important sense, they were true.
he was pointed out as a miracle of mercy
-The great convert
-a wonder of the world.
he could now suffer opprobium and enter into cavils
-play with errors
-entangle himself and drink in flattery.
no one can suppose that this outward reform was put on hypocritically,
as a disguise to attain some sinister object;
it was real, but it arose from a desire to shine before his neighbours,
from shame and from the fear of future punishment
AND NOT FROM THAT LOVE TO GOD
THAT LEADS THE CHRISTIAN TO THE FEAR OF OFFENDING HIM.
it did not arise from a change of heart.
the secret springs of action remained polluted.
it was outside show
and therefore he called himself a painted hypocrite.
he became less a despiser of religion,
but more awfully a destroyer of his own soul.

a new source or uneasiness now presented itself in his practice of bell ringing,
an occupation requiring severe labour, usually performed on the Lord's day;
and judging from the general character of bell ringers,
it has a most injurious effect, both with regard to morals and religion.
a circumstance had recently taken place which was doubtless
interpreted as an instance of divine judgment upon sabbath breaking.
clark, in his Looking Glass for Saints and Sinners, 1657, published the narrative:
'not long since, in bedfordshire, a match at football being appointed on the sabbath,
in the afternoon whilst two were in the belfry,
tolling of a bell to call the company together,
there was suddenly heard a clap of thunder
and a flash of lightening was seen by some that sat in the church porch
coming through a dark lane and flashing in their faces,
which much terrified them
and passing through the porch into the belfry,
it tripped up his heels that was tolling the bell
and struck him stark dead
and the other that was with him was so sorely blasted therewith, that shortly after he died also'.
thus we find that the church bells ministered to the Book of Sports, to call the company to sabbath breaking.
the bell ringers might come within the same class as those upon whom the tower at siloam fell.
still it was a most solemn warning and accounts for the timidity of so resolute a man as B.
although he thought it did not become his newly assumed religious character,
yet his old propensity drew him to the church tower.
at first he ventured in, but took care to stand under a main beam,
lest the bell should fall and crush him;
afterwards he would stand in the door.
then he feared the steeple might fall
and the terro0rs of an untimely death
and his newly acquired garb of religion,
eventually deterred him from this mode of sabbath breaking.
his next sacrifice made at the shrine of self righteousness was dancing.
this took him one whole year to accomplish
and then he bade farewell to these sports for the rest of his life.
...B was now dressed in the garb of a religious professor and had become a 'brisk talker'
in the matters of religion when, by divine mercy
he was stripped of all his good opinion of himself.
his want of holiness and his unchanged heart were revealed to his surprise and wonder,
by means simple and efficacious, but which no human forethought could have devised.
being engaged in his trade at bedford he overheard the conversation of some poor pious women
and it humbled and alarmed him.
'i heart, but i understood not,
for they were far above out of my reach.
their talk was about a new birth,
the work of God on their hearts,
also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature.
how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus
and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted and supported
against the temptations of the devil.
moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of satan in particular
and told to each other by which of these evils they had been afflicted
and how they were borne up under his assaults.
they also discoursed of their own wretchedness of hear,
of their unbelief
and did contemn, slight and abhor their own righteousness
as filthy and insufficient to do them any good.
and methought they spake as if joy did make them speak.
they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language
and with such appearance of grace in all they said,
that they were to me as if they had found a new world,
as if they were people that dwelt alone \
and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours'. numbers 23.9

'at this i felt my own heart began to shake,
as mistrusting my condition to be nought,
for i saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation,
the new birth did never enter into my mind,
neither knew i the comfort of the word and promise,
nor the deceit and treachery of my own wicked heart.
as for secret thoughts, i took no notice of them,
neither did i understand what satan's temptations were
nor how they were to be withstood and resisted.

thus, therefore, when i had heard and considered what they said
i left them and went about my employment again,
but their talk and discourse went with me,
also my heart would tarry with them, for i was greatly affected with their words,
both because by them i was convinced that i wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man
and also because by them i was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one'.

the brisk talker or 'talkative', was confounded
-he heard pious godly women mourning
over their worthlessness instead of vaunting of their attainments.
they exhibited, doubtless to his great surprise,
that self distrust and humility are the beginnings of wisdom.

these humble disciples could have had no conception that the Holy Spirit was blessing their christian communion to the mind of the tinker standing near them pursuing his occupation.
the recollection of the converse of these poor women led to solemn heart searching
and to the most painful anxiety.
again and again he sought their company and his convictions became more deep,
his solicitude more intense.
this was the commencement of an internal struggle,
the most remarkable of any upon record, excepting that of the psalmist david.

it was the work of the Holy Spirit in regenerating and preparing an ignorant and rebellious man
for extraordinary submission to the sacred scriptures,
for the entire devotion of his powers to the saviour and for most extensive usefulness.
to those who never experienced in any degree such feelings,
they appear to indicate religious insanity.
it was so marvellous and so mysterious...
at times he felt, like david, 'a sword in his bones', 'tears his meat'.
God's waves and billows overwhelmed him. psalm 42.
then came glimmerings of hope-precious promises saving him from despair
-followed by the shadow of death overspreading his sou and involving him in midnight darkness.
he could complain in the bitterness of his anguish,
'Thy fierce wrath goeth over me'.
bound in affliction and iron, his 'soul was melted because of trouble'.
'now satan assaults the soul with darkness, fears, frightful thoughts of apparitions.
now they sweat, pant and struggle for life.
the angels now com (psalm 107) down to behold the sight and rejoice to see a bit of dust and ashes to overcome principalities and powers and might and dominion'.
his mind was fixed on eternity and out of the abundance of his heart he spoke to one of his former companions:
his language was that of reproof-'harry, why do you swear and curse thus?
what will become of you if you die in this condition?'
his sermon, probably the first he had preached, was like throwing pearls before swine
-'he answered in a great chafe, (irritate, annoy),
what would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as i am?'

...16 while in this inquiring state, he experienced much doubt and uncertainty,
arising from the apparent confidence of many professors.
in his own esteem he appeared to be thoroughly humbled
and when he lighted on that passage
-'to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom ,
to another knowledge and to another faith'. I cor. 12.8-9
'though i have all faith so that i could remove moutains'.
he had read matt. 21.21 'if ye have faith and doubt not,
if ye shall say unto this mountain, be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea, it shall be done'.
and luke 17.6, 'if ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed,
ye might say unto this sycamine tree, be thou plucked up by the root and be thou planted in the sea
and it should obey you'.
and I corinthians 13.2, 'thoughi have all faith, so that i could remove mountains'.
 the poor inquirer, considering these passages in their literal import, imagined they were meant as tests
to try whether the believer possessed faith or not.
he was a stranger to the rules of hebrew rhetoric.
nor did he consider that they were addressed to the apostles, who had the power to work miracles.
(note: don't we still?)
he had no idea that the removing a mountain or planting a sycamine tree in the sea
were figures of speech conveying to us the fact that, aided by faith,
the most mountainous difficulties might and would be overcome
even to the miracle of conquering an evil heart to love and obey God.
anxious for some ocular demonstration that he had faith,
he almost determined to attempt to work a miracle
-not to convert or confirm the faith of others,
but to satisfy his own mind as to his possessing faith.
he had no such magnificent idea as the removal of a mountain,
for there were none in his neighbourhood,
nor to plant a tree in the sea, for bedfordshire is an inland county.
but it was of the humblest kind-
that some puddles on the road between elstow and bedford should change places with dry ground.
when he had thought of praying for ability,
his natural good sense led him to abandon the experiment.
this he calls 'being in my plunge about faith, tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance'.
all this shows the intensity of his feelings and his earnest inquiries.

it may occasion surprise to some that a young man of such extraordinary powers of mind,
should have indulged the thought of working a miracle to settle or confirm his doubts,
but we must take into account, that when a boy
he had no opportunity of acquiring scriptural knowledge;
no sunday schools, no bible class excited his inquiries as to the meaning of the sacred language.
the bible had been to him a sealed book until , in a state of mental agony he cried,  
'what must i do to be saved?
the plain text was all his guide and it would not have been surprising had he been called to
bottle a cask of new wine,
if he had refused to use old wine bottles
or had he cast a loaf into the neighbouring river Ouse, expecting to find it after many days.
the astonishing face is,
that one so unlettered should,
by intense thought,
by earnest prayer
and by comparing one passage with another,
arrive eventually at so clear a view both of the external and internal meaning of the whole bible.
the results of his researches were more deeply impressed upon his mind
by the mistakes which he had made
and his intense study, both of the old and new testaments, furnished him with an inexhaustible store
of thing new and old,
imprinting upon his soul eternal realities
-those vivid images and burning thoughts,
those bright and striking illustrations of divine truth,
which so shine and sparkle in all his works.
what can be more clear than his illustration of saving faith which worketh by love,
when in after life he wrote the pilgrim's progress?
hopeful was in a similar state of inquiry whether he had faith.
'then i said, but, Lord, WHAT IS BELIEVING?
and then i saw from that saying,
He that cometh to Me shall never hunger and he that believeth in Me shall never thirst,
that BELIEVING AND COMING WAS ALL ONE
 and that he that come, that is, ran out in his heart and affection after salvation by Christ,
he indeed believed in Christ. john 6.35

in addition to his want of scriptural education in his childhood and youth,
it must be remembered that when he thought of miraculous power being and evidence of faith,
his mind was in a most excited state
-doubts spread over him like huge masses of thick black clouds,
hiding the Sun of Righteousness from his sight.
not only is he to be pardoned for his error, but admired for the humility
which prompted him to record so singular a trial and his escape from 'this delusion of the tempter'.
while 'thus he was tossed betwixt the devil and his own ignorance',
the happiness of the poor women whose conversation he had heard at bedford
was brought to his recollection by a remarkable reverie or day dream.

'about this time the state and happiness of these poor people at bedford
was thus, in a kind of vision' represented to me:
i saw as if they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain,
there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun,
while i was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds.
methought, also, betwixt me and them i saw a wall that did compass about this mountain.
now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass, concluding that if i could,
i would go even into the very midst of them
and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.

'about this wall i thought myself to go again and again, still prying as i went
to see if i could find some way or passage by which i might enter therein,
but  none could i find for some time.
at the last i saw, as it were, a narrow gap like a little doorway in the wall through which i attempted to pass.
but the passage being very strait and narrow, i made many efforts to get in, but all in vain
even until i was well nigh quite beat out by striving to get in.
at last with great striving methought i at first did get in my head
and after that by a sidling striving my shoulders and my whole body.
then was i exceeding glad and went and sat down in the midst of them and so was comforted
with the light and heat of their sun.
'now this mountain and wall was thus made out to me:
the mountain signified the church of the living God.
the sun that shone thereon,
the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were therein.
the wall i thought was THE WORD that did MAKE SEPARATION 
BETWEEN CHRISTIANS AND THE WORLD
and the gap which was in this wall i thought was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father.
john 14.6; matt. 7.14
but forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that i could not but with great difficulty

enter in thereat.
it showed me that none could enter into life but those that were downright earnest
and unless also they left this wicked world behind them.
for HERE WAS ONLY ROOM FOR BODY AND SOUL
BUT NOT FOR BODY AND SOUL AND SIN.

 this resemblance abode upon my spirit many days.
all which time i saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition,
but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine.
now also i should pray wherever i was
-whether at home or abroad, in house or field
-and should also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty first psalm,
O Lord, consider my distress.

..while this trial clouded his spirits, he was called to endure temptations
which are common to most, if not all, inquiring souls
and which frequently produce much anxiety.
he plunged into the university problem of predestination,




am i one of the elect?
or has the day of grace been suffered to pass by never to return?
although he was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory,
these questions affected and disquieted him, so that the very strength of his body
was taken away by the force and power thereof.
'Lord, thought i, what if i should not be elected!
it may be you are not, said the tempter;
it may be so indeed,thought i.
why then, said satan, you had a good leave of and strive no farther.,
for if indeed you should not be elected and chose of God,
there is no talk of your being saved,
for 'it is not of him that willeth nor of him that runneth, but of God that showth mercy'. rom. 9.16

satan suggested nothing about God's foreknowledge of all things.
whether he foreknew because he had foreordained or foreordained because he foreknew,
it could make no difference to the poor sinner.
all must admit that a thousand or ten thousand years are in His sight as one day.
all things are foreknown of God and thus our days are numbered.
should this induce a human being to abstain from food?
this is so absurd as to bear not a moment's reflection.
the secrets of futurity are with God, who knoweth all things.
be it enough for us to know, that whosoever liveth and believeth in Jesus shall live for ever. john 11.26
is not this blessed knowledge sufficient to impel us to seek salvation?
but the fears of young christians are generally and most unreasonably excited by the foreknowledge or election of God.

with intense interest we follow the movements of B's soul.
you see him as a lonely bark, driving across the ocean in a hurricane.
by the flashes of the lightning, you can just discern her plunging and labouring fearfully in the midnight tempest.
you are ready to think that all is lost.
then, again, you behold her in the quiet sunshine
or the moon and stars look down upon her as the wind breathes softly
or in a fresh or favourable gale she flies across the waters.
now it is clouds or rain and hail and rattling thunderstorms, coming down as sudden almost as the lightning
and now again her white sails glitter in heaven's light like an albatross in a spotless horizon.
at length you will catch the last glimpse as she will gloriously enter the haven of eternal rest.

but we are still to contemplate him in the internal conflict.

'by these things i was driven to my wit's end, not knowing what to say or how to answer these temptations.
indeed, i little thought that satan had thus assaulted me,
but rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question:
for that the elect only obtained eternal life;
that i without scruple did heartily close withal;
but that myself was one of them,
there lay all the question.

he was for many weeks oppressed and cast down with fear, lest he was not one of the elect
and near to 'giving up the ghost of all his hopes of ever attaining life'.
when a sentence fell with weight upon his spirit
-'look at the generations of old and see;
did ever any trust in the Lord and was confounded. ecclesiasticus 2.10
this encouraged him to a diligent search from genesis to revelation which lasted for above a year
and although he could not find that sentence,
yet he was amply rewarded for this diligent examination of the holy oracles
and thus he obtained 'yet more experience of the love and kindness of God'.
at length he found it in the apocypha and although not the language of inspiration,
yet as it contained the sum and substance of the promises,
he took comfort of it and it shone before his face for years.
the fear that the day of grace had passed had pressed heavily upon him.
he was humbled and bemoaned the time that he had wasted.
now he was confronted with that 'grim faced one, the captain past-hope,
with his terrible standard', carried by ensign despair, red colours, with a hot iron and a hard heart
and exhibited at eye-gate.
at length these words broke in upon his mind.
'compel them to come in that My house may be filled -and yet there is room'.
this scripture powerfully affected him with hope that there was room in the bosom
and in the house of Jesus for his afflicted soul.

his next temptation was to return to the world.
this was that terrible battle with apollyon, depicted in the pilgrim's progress
and it is also described at some length in the Jerusalem Sinner Saved.
among many very graphic and varied pictures of his own experience,
he introduces the following dialogue with the tempter,
probably alluding to the trials he was now passing through.
satan is loath to part with a great sinner.
'this day is usually attended with much evil towards them
that are asking the way to zion with their faces thitherward.
now the devil has lost a sinner.
there is a captive has broke prison
and one run away from his master.now hell seems to be awakened form sleep, the devils are come out.
they roar and roaring they seek to recover their runaway.
now tempt him,
threaten him,
flatter him,
stigmatize him, (set some mark of grace or infamy upon)
throw dust into his eyes,
poison him with error,
spoil him while he is upon the potter's wheel,
anything to keep him from coming to Jesus Christ.
'what my true servant, quoth he, my old servant, wilt thou forsake me now?
having so often sold thyself to me to work wickedness, wilt thou forsake me now?
thou horrible wretch, dost not know that thou hast sinned thyself beyond the reach of grace
and dost thou think to find mercy now?
art not thou a murderer, a thief, a harlot, a witch, a sinner of the greatest size,
and dost thou look for mercy now?
dost thou think that Christ will foul His fingers with thee?
it is enough to make angels blush, saith satan, to see so vile a one knock at heaven gates for mercy
and wilt thou be so abominably bold to do it?
thus satan dealt with me, says the great sinner, when at first i cam to Jesus Christ
and what did you reply? saith the tempted.
why i granted the whole charge to be true, says the other.
and what, did you despair, or how?
no, saith he; i said, i am Magdalene, i am Zaccheus, I am the thief, I am the harlot, I am the publican,
I am the prodigal and one of Christ's murderers.
yea, worse than any of these..
and yet God was so far off from rejecting of me, as i found afterwards,
that there was music and dancing in His house for me
and for joy that i was come home unto Him.
o blessed be God for grace (says the other),
for then i hope there is favour for e.
yea, as i told you, such a one is a continual spectacle in the church,
for every one by to behold god's grace and wonder by.
these are the 'things the angels desire to look into' I pet. 1.12
or as B quaintly says, this is the music which causes
'them that dwell in the highest orbs to open their windows, put out their heads
and look down to see the cause of that glory'. luke 15.7,10.

as he became less agitated with fear and drew consolation more frequently from the promises,
with a timid hope of salvation
he began to exhibit singular powers of conception in spiritualizing temporal things.
his first essay was to find the hidden meaning in the division of God's creatures into clean and unclean.
chewing the cud and parting the hoof, he conceived to be emblematical of our feeding upon the Word of God
and parting, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly ment'.
it is not sufficient to chew the cud like the hare,nor to part the hoof like the swine
-we must do both;
that is possess the word of faith and that be evidenced by parting with our outward pollutions.
this spiritual meaning of part of the mosaic dispensation
is admirably introduced into the Pilgrim's Progress when christian and faithful
analyze the character of talkative.
this is the germ of that singular talent which flourished in after life
of exhibiting a spiritual meaning drawn from every part of the mosaic dispensation..

although he had received that portion of comfort which enabled him to indulge in religious speculations,
still his mind was unsettled and full of fears.
he now became alarmed lest he had not been effectually CALLED to inherit the kingdom of heaven.
he felt still more humbled at the weakness of human nature and at the poverty for money
and 'could i have given it;
had i a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this'.
in this he was sincere and so he was when hew said ,
i would not lose one promise or have it struck out of the bible,
if in return i could have as much gold as would reach from london to york,
piled up to the heavens.
in proportion to his soul's salvation,
honour was a worthless phantom and god by glittering dust.
his earnest desire was to hear his saviour's voice calling him to His service.
like many young disciples, he regretted not having been born when
Christ was manifest in the flesh.
'would i had been peter or john!'
their privations, sufferings, martyrdom, was nothing in comparison
to their being with and hearing the voice of the Son of God calling them to His service.
strange, but general delusion!
as if Christ were not the same yesterday, today and forever.
groaning for a sense of pardon, he was comforted by joel
-'i will cleanse their blood that i have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion'.joel 3.21
..he was led to seek advice and assistance from a neighbouring minister and from pious persons.

the poor women in bedford,
whose conversation had been blessed to his thorough awakening, were sought for
and to them he unfolded his sorrows.
they were members of a baptist church, under the pastoral care of john gifford,
a godly painstaking and most intelligent minister whose history is very remarkable.
in early life he had been, like B, a thoroughly depraved character.
like him had entered the army and had been promoted to the rank of a major in the royal forces.
having made an abortive attempt to raise a rebellion against the commonwealth in his native county of kent,
he and 11 others were made prisoners, tried by martial law and condemned to the gallows.
on the night previous to the day appointed for his execution,
his sister found access to the prison .
the guards were asleep and his companions drowned in intoxication.
she embraced the favourable moment and set him at liberty.
he lay concealed in a ditch for three days, till the heat of the search was over
and in disguise escaped to london and thence to bedford,
where aided by some great people who favoured the royal cause, he commenced business as a surgeon.
here his evil habits followed him, notwithstanding his merciful deliverance
swearing, drunkenness, gambling and other immoral practices
rendered him a curse to others, especially to the puritans, whom he bitterly persecuted.
one night he lost fifteen pounds at play and becoming outrageous,
he cast angry reproaches upon God.
in this state he took up a book by r. bolton:
he read and his conscience was terror-stricken.
distress, under conviction of sin, followed him.
he searched his bible and found pardon and acceptance.
he now sought acquaintance with those whom before he had persecuted,
but like paul, when in similar circumstances 'they were all afraid of him'.
his sincerity soon became apparent and , uniting with eleven others, they formed a church.
these men had thrown off the fetters of education
and were unbiased by any sectarian feeling,
being guided solely by their prayerful researches into divine truth as revealed in the bible.
their whole object was to enjoy christian communion
-to extend the reign of grace
-to live to the honor of Christ
-and they formed a new and at that time unheard of community.
water baptism was to be left to individual conviction.
they were to love each other equally, whether they advocated baptism in infancy or in riper years.
the only thing essential to church fellowship, in mr. gifford's opinion, was
-UNION WITH CHRIST
this is the foundation of all saints' communion and not any judgment about externals'.
to the honour of the baptists,
these peaceable principles appear to have commenced with two or three of their ministers...

such was the man to whom B was introduced for religious advice and consolation
and he assisted in forming those enlarged and non sectarian principles which mad his ministry blessed
and will render his works equally acceptable to all evangelical christians in every age of the church.
thus we find the poor burdened sinner in company with Evangelist;
receiving his instructions and attending social meetings for prayer and christian converse:
this led him to feel still more painfully his own ignorance and the inward wretchedness of his heart.
'his corruptions put themselves for and his desires for heaven seemed to fail'.
in fact, while he compared himself with his former self, he was a religious giant.
in comparison with these pious, long standing christians, he dwindled into a pygmy
and in the presence of Christ he became, in his own view, less than nothing and vanity.
he thus describes his feeling:
'i began to sink-my heart laid me low as hell'.
i was driven as with a tempest-my heart would be unclean
-the canaanites would dwell in the land'.

 how admirably this is illustrated in the Holy War.
emmanuel warns mansoul that the diabolonians have mad dens and caves and strongholds in the walls
and will never be kept in check in mansoul but by incessant watchfulness and prayer.
nor can you utterly rid yourself of them but by pulling down the walls,
'the which i am by no means willing you should'.

he was like the child which the father brought to Chris, who while he was coming to Him,
was throne down by the devil
and so rent and torn that he lay and wallowed, foaming.
his heart felt so hard that with many a bitter sigh he cried, 'Good Lord! break it open.
Lord, break these gates of brass and cut these bars of iron asunder'. psalm 107.16
little did he then think that his bitterness of spirit was a direct answer to such prayers.
breaking the heart was attended with anguish in proportion as it had been hardened.
during this time he was tender and sensitive as to the least sin:
'now my hinder parts were inward (concealed from human eyes; still the eye of God was upon me),
i durst not take a pin or a stick, my conscience would smart at every touch'.
'O how gingerly did i then go in all i said or did!'
'still sin would as naturally bubble out of my heart as water would bubble out of a fountain'.
from this it may be inferred, that while sinful thoughts were his plague,
his outward conduct was most carefully guarded.
he felt surprised when he saw professors much troubled at their losses,
even at the death of the dearest relative.
his whole concern was for his salvation.
he imagined that he could bear these small afflictions with patience;
but a wounded spirit who can bear?'

in the midst of all these miseries
and at times regretting that he had been endowed with an immortal spirit, 
exposed to eternal ruin,
he was jealous of receiving comfort, lest it might be based upon any false foundation.
still AS HIS ONLY HOPE HE WAS CONSTANT IN PRAYER
AND IN HIS ATTENDANCE UPON THE MEANS OF GRACE (note: the Word, fellowship..)
and 'when comforting time was come' he heard one preach upon two words of a verse,
which conveyed strong consolation to his weary spirit;
the words were, 'My love', song 4.1
from these words the minister drew the following conclusions:
1. that the church and so every saved soul, is Christ's love, even when loveless
2. Christ's love is without a cause
3. they are Christ's love when hated of the world
4. Christ's love when under temptation and under desertion
5. Christ's love from first to last.
now was his heart filled with comfort and hope.
'i could believe that my sins should be forgiven me
and in a state of rapture he thought that his trials were over
and that the savour of it would go with him through life.
this warm hearted discourse was probably preached by mr. samuel more, a deacon to a baptist church,
who in 1647 published similar ideas in a volume entitled
'the yearnings of Christ's bowels towards his languishing friends'.
in this he treats at delightful length on the love of Christ to the loveless.
Alas! enjoyment was but for a season-the preparation of his soul for future usefulness was not yet finished.
in a short time the words of our Lord to peter came powerfully into his mind,
'satan hath desired  to have you'
and so strong was the impression they made that he thought some man addressed them to him.
he even turned his head to see who it was that thus spoke to him.
this was the forerunner of a cloud and a storm that was coming upon him.
it was the gathering up of satan's might strength to have, if possible, overwhelmed him.
his narrative of this internal tempest in his soul
-this last great struggle with the powers of darkness-is very striking.

'about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me
which handled me twenty time worse than all i had met with before.
it came stealing upon me, now by one piece then by another.
first, all my comfort was taken from me.
then darkness seized upon me.
after which whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ and the scriptures,
were poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment.
these blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me
against the very being of God and His only beloved Son.
as whether there were were in truth a God or Christ or no?
and whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable and cunning story
than the holy and pure Word of God.

these suggestions with many other, which at this time i may not nor dare not utter
neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure upon my spirit
and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance and fiery force,
that i felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me
and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else
and also concluded that God had in very wrath to my soul,
given me up unto them to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind.

only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit,
i felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them.

this is somewhat like the experience of paul in his internal conflict,
'o wretched man that i am! who shall deliver me from the body of his death?'

here are the facts which are allegorized in the history of christian, passing through the valley of humiliation
and fighting with the prince of the power of the air.
'the apollyon espying his opportunity began to gather up close to christian
and wrestling with him gave him a dreadful fall
and with that christian's sword flew out of his hand'.

this was the effect of his doubts of the inspiration of the scriptures-the sword of the Spirit.
'i am sure of thee now, sad apollyon and with that he had almost pressed him to death,
so that christian began to despair of life,
but as God would have it while apollyon was fetching of his last blow,
christian nimbly stretched out his hand for his sword and caught it, saying,
'rejoice not against me O mine enemy.
when i fall i shall arise. micah 7.8
 and with that gave him a deadly thrust which made him give back as one that had received his mortal wound
christian perceiving that made at him again saying,
'nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us'
and with that apollyon spread forth his dragon wings and sped him away'.
what an awful moment when he fell unarmed before his ferocious enemy!
'faith now has but little time to speak peace to the conscience-it is now struggling for life
-it is now fighting with angels, with infernals
-all it can do now is to cry, groan,sweat, fear, fight and gasp for life'.
how desperate the conflict
-the mouth of hell yawning to swallow him
-man cannot aid the poor warrior, all his help is in God.
'is it not a wonder to see a poor creature,
who in himself is weaker than the moth, to stand against and overcome all devils
-all the world
-all his lusts and corruptions
or if he fall is it not a wonder to see him when devils and guilt are upon him,
to rise again, stand upon his feet, walk with God again and persevere in faith and holiness? ' Job 4.19

this severe conflict lasted for about a year.
he describes his feelings at times as resembling the frightful pangs of one broken on the wheel.
the sources of his misery were fears that he had sinned against the Holy Ghost
and that through his hardness of heart and impatience in prayer, he should not persevere to the end.
during all this time occasional visits of mercy kept him from despair
and at some intervals filled him with transports of joy.
at one time so delightfully was his burden removed that he could not tell how to contain himself.
'i thought i could have spoken of His love and of His mercy to me
even to the very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me
had they been capable to have understood me.
thus his feelings were controlled by reason very different to the poor madman who, in olden time,
is represented as preaching to the fish.
with B it was a hallowed joy-a gush of holy gladness,
in which he wished all creation to participate.
his heart was baptized in hope-'i know that my redeemer liveth'
and with holy Job he wished to perpetuate his joy by a memorial not in rock but in a book of remembrance
-'i would i had a pen and ink here to write it down'.
this is the first desire that he expressed to proclaim or publish to others the great Saviour he had found
but he was not yet prepared.
he must pass through deeper depths and possess a living knowledge of divine truth burned into his sou
by satanic fires.

very soon after this he was harassed with fear lest he should part with Christ.
the tempter, as he did with christian in the valley of the shadow of death,
suggested blasphemies to him which he thought had proceeded from his own mind.
'satan troubled him with the fumes of his stinking breath.
how many strange, hideous and amazing blasphemies have some that are coming to Christ
had injected upon their spirits against him'.
'the devil is indeed very busy at work during the darkness of a soul.
he throws in his fiery darts to amazement when we are encompassed with the terrors of a dismal night.
he is bold and undaunted in his assaults and injects with a quick and sudden malice
a thousand monstrous and abominable thoughts of God
which seem to be the motions of our own minds and terribly grieve and trouble us.

what makes those arrows more penetrating and distressing is that satan
with subtle art TIPS THEM WITH sentences of SCRIPTURE.
'no place for repentance', 'rejected', 'hath never forgiveness' and other passages
which by the malignant ingenuity of the fiend are formed by his skill as the cutting and barbed points
of his shafts.
at one time B concluded that he was possessed of the devil.
then he was tempted to speak and sin against the Holy Ghost.
he thought himself alone in such a tempest and that no one had ever felt such misery as he did .
when in prayer his mind was distracted with the thought that satan was pulling his clothes.
he was even tempted to fall down and worship him.
then he would cry after God in awful fear that eventually satan would overcome him.
during all this time he was struggling against the tempter
and at length the day spring visited him in these words,
'i am persuaded that nothing shall separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus'.
again he was cast down with a recollection of his former blasphemies.
what reason can i have to hope for an inheritance in eternal life?
the question was answered with that portion of scripture,
if God be for us, who can be against us?'
these were visits which, like peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up to heaven again.
at length the Sun of Righteousness arose and shone upon him with healing influence.
'He hath made peace through the blood of His cross', came with power to his mind,
followed by the consoling words of the apostle
'forasmuch, then =, as the children are partakers of flesh and blood,
He also Himself likewise took part of the same;
that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death,
that is, the devil, and deliver them who
through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage. heb 2.14-5
this was the key that opened every lock in Doubting Castle.
the prisoner escaped to breathe the air of hope and joy and peace.
'this, said he, was a good day to me.
i hope i shall not forget it.
'i thought that the glory of those words was then so weighty on me,
that i was, both once and twice, ready to swoon as i sat,
not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace'.

his mind was now in a fit state to seek for church fellowship,
as a further means of advance in his knowledge of divine love.
to effect this object, he was naturally led to the baptist church of bedford,
to which those pious women belonged whose christian communion had been blessed to him.
'i sat under the ministry of holy mr. gifford, whose doctrine, by God's grace,
was much for my stability.
although his soul was led from truth to truth, his trials were not over
-he passed through many severe exercises
before he was received into communion with the church.

he longed to compare his experience with that of some old and eminent convert
and God did cast into his hand Luther On The Galatians,
'so old that it was ready to fall piece from piece, if he did but turn it over.
...'i found, says B, my condition in his experience so largely and profoundly handled,
as if his book had been written out of my own heart.
i prefer the book before all others as most fit for a wounded conscience.
this was the voice of a man that Christian 'heard as going before him in the
Valley of the Shadow of Death'
and was glad that some who feared God were in this valley as well as himself,
who could say, 'i will fear no evil for Thou art with me'.
in many things Luther and B were men of similar temperament.
like Emmanuel's captains, in the Holy War, they were
'very stout rough hewn men;
men that were fit to break the ice and to make their way by dint of sword....

B's happiness was now very great.his soul, with all its affections, cleaved unto Christ.,
but lest spiritual pride should exalt him beyond measure
and that he might be still more deeply rooted and grounded in the truth,
lest he should be terrified to the renouncing of his Saviour,
by the treats of transportation and death,
with which he was a few years after sorely menaced,
his heat was again wounded and quickly after this his 'love was tried to purpose'.

the tempter came in upon him with a most grievous and dreadful temptation.
it was to part with Christ,
to exchange him for the things of this life.
he was perpetually tormented with the words 'sell Christ'.
at length he thought that his spirit gave way to the temptation
and a dreadful and profound state of despair overpowered him
for the dreary space of more than two years.
this is the most extraordinary part of this wonderful narrative that he
without apparent cause should thus be tempted and feel the bitterness of a supposed parting with Christ.
there was, doubtless, a cause for every pang.
his heavenly Father afflicted him for his profit.
we shall soon have to follow him through fiery trials.
before the justices, allured by their arguments and particularly by the sophistry of their clerk, mr. cobb
and then dragged from a beloved wife and from children to whom he was most fondly attached
-all these fiery trials might  be avoided if he would but 'seel Christ'.




unless he would 'sell  Christ'....
...probably B alludes to this awful instance of fell despair in his Publican and Pharisee:
'sin, when appearing in its monstrous shape and hue,
frighteth all mortals out of their wits away from God
and if he stops them not, also out of the world.
to arm B against being overcome by a fear of the lions in the way to the house Beautiful
-against giving way under persecution
-he was visited with terrors lest he should sell of part with Christ.
during these sad years he was not wholly sunk in despair, but had at times some glimmerings of mercy
in comparing his supposed sin with that of judas,
he was constrained to find a difference between a deliberate intention to sell Christ and a sudden temptation
through all these searchings of heart and inquiries at the Word,
he became fixed in the doctrine of the final perseverance of God's saints.
'O what love, what care,, what kindness and mercy did i now see mixing itself with
the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His people.
He never let them fall into sin unpardonable.
but these thoughts added grief and horror to me.
i thought that all things wrought for my eternal overthrow.
so ready is the tender heart to write bitter things against itself
and as ready is the tempter to whisper despairing thoughts.
in the midst of this distress he 'saw a glory in walking with God'.
although a dismal cloud enveloped him...

B now felt his body and mind shaking and tottering under the sense of the dreadful judgment of God
and he thought his sin-of a momentary and unwilling consent to give up Christ
-was a greater sin than all the sins of david, solomon, manasseh
and even than all the sins that had been committed by all God's redeemed ones.
was there ever a man in the world so capable of describing the miseries of
Doubting Castle or of the Slough of Despond, as poor John B?

he would have run from God in utter desperation.
'but, blessed be his grace, that scripture
,in those flying sins, would call as running after me,
'I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions
and, as a cloud, thy sins.
return unto Me for I have redeemed thee'. isaiah 44.22
still he was haunted by that scripture, 'you know how that afterwards,
when he would have inherited the blessing,
he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears'.
thus was he tossed and buffeted,
involved in cloudy darkness,
with now and then a faint gleam of hope to save him from despair.
'in all these, he says, i was but as those that justle against the rocks;
more broken, scattered and rent.
O! the unthought of imaginations, frights, fears and terrors that are effected by
a thorough application of guilt.
Methought i saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light
and as if the very stones in the street and tiles upon the houses did bend themselves against me.
here we find him in that doleful valley where Christian was surrounded by enemies
that 'cared not for his sword'.
he put it up and places his dependence upon the more penetrating weapon, 'All Prayer'.
depending upon this last resource he prayed even when in this great darkness and distress.
to whom could he go?
his case was beyond the power of men or angels.
his refuge from a fear of having committed the unpardonable sin,
was that he had never refused to be justified by the blood of Christ,
but ardently wished it.
this, in the midst of the storm, caused a temporary clam.
at length he was led to look prayerfully upon those scriptures that had tormented him
and to examine their scope and tendency
and then he 'found their visage changed, for they looked not so grimly on him
as before he thought they did'.
still after such a tempest, the sea did not at once become a calm.
like one that had been scared with fire, every voice was fir, fire,
every touch hurt his tender conscience....

the rev. george cokayn..one of B's intimate friends...argues upon these intense trials:
'the design thought God's goodness was the humbling and keeping him
low in his own eyes.
the truth is as himself sometimes acknowledged,
he always needed the thorn in the flesh
and God in mercy sent it him lest, under his extraordinary circumstances,
he should be exalted above measure, which perhaps, 'was the evil that did most easily beset him.
but the Lord overruled it to keep him in that broken frame which is so acceptable to Him.
and indeed it is a most necessary qualification
that should always be found in those disciples of Christ who are most eminent
and are stars of the first magnitude in the firmament of the Church.

his relief at last was sudden while meditating in a field upon the words,
'thy righteousness is in heaven'.
hence he drew the conclusion that his righteousness was in Christ,
at God's right hand ever before Him secure from all the powers of sin and satan.
now his chains fell off.
he was loosed from his affliction and irons.
his temptation fled away.
during the rest of his pilgrimage he considered that all prest supplies of grace
should be compared to the cracked groats and fourpence half pennies
which rich men carry in their pockets,
while their treasure is safe in their trunks at home as his was in the storehouse of heaven.

this dreary night of awful conflict lasted more than two years.
but when the dayspring from on high visited him,
the promises spangled in his eyes and he broke out into a song,
'praise ye the Lord.
praise God in His sanctuary.
praise Him in the firmament of His power.
praise Him for His excellent greatness. psalm 90.1-2

B's opinion as to the cause of this bitter suffering was his want of watchfulness,
his not coming boldly to the throne of grace
and that he had tempted God.
the advantages he considered that he had gained by it were,
that it confirmed his knowledge of the existence of God.,
so that he lost all his temptations to unbelief, blasphemy and hardness of heart.
doubts as to the truth of the Word
and the certainty of the world to come,
were gone forever....
...justly did his pastor, john burton, say of him,
'he hath through grace taken these tree heavenly degrees, to wit,
union with Christ
the anointing of the Spirit
and experience of the temptations of satan,
which do more fit a man for that might work of preaching the gospel
than all the university learning and degrees that can be had.'

...he saw what every pious man must see and lament,
that there is much idolatry in human learning
and that it was frequently applied to confuse and impede the gospel.
thus he addresses the reader of his treatise on The Law and Grace
-'if thou find this book empty of fantastical expression s
and without light, vain, whimsical, scholar like terms,
it is because i never went to school to aristotle or plato,
but was brought up at my father's house in a very mean condition
among a company of poor countrymen.
but if thou do find a parcel of plain, yet sound, true, and home sayings,
attribute that to the Lord Jesus, his gifts and abilities which He hath bestowed upon
such a poor creature as i am and have been.
his maxim was
-'WORDS EASY TO BE UNDERSTOOD DO OFTEN HIT THE MARK,
when high and learned ones do only pierce the air.
he also  that speaks to the weakest may make the learned understand him.
when he that striveth to be high is not only of the most part understood but of a sort,
but also many times is neither understood by them nor by himself!'...

..our forefathers struggled for the right of private judgment in matters of faith and worship
-their descendants will insist upon it as essential to salvation.
personally to examine every doctrine relative to the sacred objects of religion,
limited only by Holy Writ.
this must be done with rigorous impartiality
throwing aside all the prejudices of education
and be followed by prompt obedience to divine truth,
at any risk of offending parents or laws or resisting institutions or ceremonies
which are discovered to be of human invention.
laying a firm foundation for such a superstructure must be always attended with
mental sufferings,
with painstaking labour,
with a simple reliance upon the Word of God and
with earnest prayer.
if any man impiously dares to submit his conscience to his fellowman
or to any body of men called a church,
what perplexity must he experience ere he can make up his mind
as to which church or sect he shall be governed by!
instead of relying upon the ONE standard which God has given him in His Word,
should he build his hope upon a human system,
he becomes very justly confounded with the variety of opinions
while he could be certain only that man is fallible and subject to err.

33...(after B came into full communion with a christian church...)
'for three quarters of a year, fierce and sad temptations did beset me to blasphemy,
that i could never have rest nor ease.
but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture
by which my soul was visited before
and after that i have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance
and i have, i trust, therein discerned the Lord's body as broken for my sins
and that  His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.
this is what B calls 'the soul killing to itself its sins, its righteousness, wisdom, resolutions
and the things which it rusted in by nature'
and then receiving 'a most glorious, perfect and never fading life'.
the life of Christ in all its purity and perfections imputed to me
-'sometimes i bless the Lord my soul hath had this life not only imputed to me,
but the very glory of it upon my soul-the Son of God Himself in His own person,
now at the right hand of His Father representing me complete before the mercy seat in His ownself.
'there was my righteousness just before the eyes of divine glory'.

(about this time consumption (tuberculosis of the lungs?) threatened B's life.)
...'now began i afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future
and of my evidences for that blessed world to come:
for it hath, i bless the name of God, been my usual course as always,
so especially in the day of affliction to endeavour to
keep my interest in the life to come,
clear before my eye.

'but i had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul,
but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my  sins and transgressions:
amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction, namely,
my deadness, dullness and coldness in holy duties;
my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things,
my want of love to God, His ways and people,
with this at the end of all, Are these the tokens of a blessed man?

'at the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me,
for now was i sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt.
now also was all my former experienced of God's goodness to me quite taken out of my mind
and hid as if it had never been nor seen.
now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations,
'live i must not, die i dare not'.
now i sunk and fell in my spirit and was giving up all for lost,
but as i was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state,
that word of God took hold of my heart,
ye are 'justified freely by His grace, thought the redemption that is in Christ Jesus' rom. 3.24
but O! what a turn it made upon me !

'now was i as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream
and listening to this heavenly sentence,
i was as if i had heard it thus expounded to me,
'sinner, thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities i cannot save thy soul,
but behold My Son is by Me and upon Him i look
and not on thee
and will deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him'.
at this i was greatly lightened in my mind and made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time;
.

now was i got on high.
i saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy and though i was before afraid to think of a dying hour,
yet now i cried, led me die.
now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight,
for i saw that we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world.
i saw more in those words, 'heirs of God' rom. 8.17
-God Himself is the portion of the saints'.

as his mental agitation subsided into this delicious calm,
his bodily health was restored.
to use his own figure, Captain Consumption, with all his men of death, were routed
and his strong bodily health triumphed over disease.
or to use the more proper language of an eminent puritan
'when overwhelmed with the deepest sorrows and that for many doleful months,
He who is Lord of nature healed my body and He who is the Father of mercies and God of all grace,
has proclaimed liberty to the captive and given rest to my weary soul.'

..the church at bedford having increased, B was chosen to fill the honourable office of a deacon.
no man could have been better fitted for that office than B was.
he was honesty itself,
had suffered severe privations, so as to feel for those who were pinched with want.
he had great powers of discrimination, to distinguish between the poverty of idleness
and that distress which arises from circumstances over which human foresight has no control,
so as to relive with propriety the pressure of want,
without encouraging the degrading and debasing habit of depending upon alms,
instead of labouring to provide the necessaries of life.
he had no fine clothes to be spoiled by trudging down the filthiest lanes
and entering the meanest hovels to relieve suffering humanity.
the poor-and that is the great class to whom the gospel is preach and by whom it is received
-would hail him as a brother.
gifted in prayer, full of sound and wholesome counsel drawn from Holy Writ,
he must have been a peculiar blessing to the distressed
and to all the members who stood in need of advice and assistance.
such were the men intended by the apostles,
'men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost and wisdom', acts 6.3
whom the church were to select to relieve the apostles from the duties of ministration
to the wants of the afflicted members, in discharge of which they were so exposed to give offence.

while thus actively employed, he was again visited with a severe illness
and again was subject to a most searching and solemn investigation
as to his fitness to appear before the judgment seat of God.
'all that time the tempter did beset me strongly,

also setting before me the terrors of death and the judgment of God insomuch that at this time,
through my fear of miscarrying for ever, should i now die,
i was as one dead before death came.
i though that there was no way but to hell i must.

'a wounded spirit who can bear?'
well might the apostle say,'if in this life only we have hope in Christ,
we are of all men most miserable (I cor. 15.19).
B had enjoyed holy emotions full of glory and now the devil was threatening him,
not only with the loss of heaven, but the terrors of hell.
the puritan rogers describes religious melancholy as
'the worst of all distempers and those sinking and guilty fears which it brings along with it
are inexpressibly dreadful.
what anguish, what desolation!
i dare not look to heaven, there i see the greatness of God who is against me.
i dare not look into His Word, for there i see all His threats,
as so many barbed arrows to strike me to the heart. 35t

i dare not look  into the grave because thence i am like to have a doleful resurrection.
in this doleful night the soul hath no evidence at all of its former grace.
B's experience reminds us of the impressive language of Job
-a book full of powerful imagery and magnificent ideas,  
in which B delighted calling it 'that blessed book'.
Job goes on from step to step describing his mental wretchedness
until he rises to a climax: 'God runneth upon me like a giant 16.7-22
'the arrows of the Almighty are within me;
they drink up my spirit: the terrors of God do set  themselves in array against me 6.4
how well did this agree with the experience of david:  'all Thy waves and Thy billows are gone over me.
'such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, bound in affliction and iron.
'Thy fierce wrath goeth over me, Thy terrors have cut me off'.
'O my God, my soul is cast down within me'.
poor B in the depth of his distress cried unto God
and like david was heard and relieved from these soul troubles.
he recollected the joyful ascent of lazarus from the extreme of human misery
to the height of celestial enjoyments.
his spirit was sweetly revived
and he was enabled, with delight,  to hope yet in God
when that word fell with great weight upon his mind,
'O  death where is thy sting?
O grave where is thy victory?
'at this he became both well in body and mind at once;
his sickness did presently vanish
and he walked comfortably in his work for God.
the words, 'by grace are ye saved', followed him through the rest of his pilgrimage.
his consolation was that 'a little true grace will go a great way;
yea and do more wonders than we are aware of.
if we have but grace enough to keep[ us groaning after God,
it is not all the world that can destroy us'.
he had now become deeply instructed in the school of Christ
and was richly furnished with the weapons of spiritual warfare..
or as 'the man of God perfected, thoroughly furnished unto all good works II tim 3.17.
it was powerfully impressed upon his mind that all his inward conflicts were to be made use of in
preparing him to instruct others.

(he was now considered by the church for preaching)...this trial of his qualification to teach
being attended with the three requisites usually insisted on among Dissenters
-PIOUS ABILITY, INCLINATION and OPPORTUNITY
-he was sent out as an itinerant preacher in the surrounding villages in 1655
and laid the foundation of many churches, which now flourish..
in some of these villages the gospel had never before been preached.
they were strongholds of satan.
these were fit places for the full display of his intrepid energy.

..in 1671 he was appointed to the pastoral office or eldership
when 15 years experience had fitted him for this solemn duty.
can a man enter upon the work of the ministry from a better school than this?
deeply versed in scriptural knowledge,
thouroughly humbled by the assaults of sin and satan,
aware of his device,
with the keen perception of the value of the soul,...

41..encouraged by the opinion of the church which had been so prayerfully formed,
that it was his duty to proclaim the glad tidings of salvation,
B entered upon his important work
and was soon encouraged by a hope that his labours were useful to his fellowmen.
'about this time i did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto,
though, i bless God, nor for desire of vain glory,
for at that time i was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil
concerning my eternal state.
but yet i could not be content unless i was found in the exercise of my gift,
unto which also i was greatly animated,
not only by the continual desires of the godly,
but also by that saying of paul to the corinthians,
'i beseech you, brethren ((ye know the household of stephanas, that it is the first fruits of achai
and that they have ADDICTED THEMSELVES TO THE MINISTRY OF THE SAINTS)
that ye submit yourselves unto such
and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth'. I cor. 16.15-6

'by this text i was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended
that men who have gifts and abilities
should bury them in the earth,
but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift
and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do.

wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy,
yet i , but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness,
did set upon the work and did according to my gift and the proportion of my faith,
preach that blessed gospel that god had showed me in the holy Word of truth;
which, when the country understood, they came in to hear the Word by hundreds...

..but i at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man,
still counting myself unworthy.
yet those who thus were touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me
and though i did put it from me that they should be awakened by me,
still they would confess it and affirm it before the saints of God.
they would also bless God for me, unworthy wretch that i am!
and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.
...i then began to conclude it might be so,
that God had owned in His work such a foolish one as it
and then came that word of God to my heart with much sweet refreshment,
'the blessing of him that was ready to perish came upon me
and i caused the widow's heart to sing for joy. Job 29.13

at this, therefore, i rejoiced.
yea, the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching
would be both solace and encouragement to me.
for i thought on those sayings,
'whois he that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by me. II cor. 9.2
and gain, though 'i be not an apostle unto others, yet doubtless i am to you:
for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord. I cor. 9.2

in my preaching of the word i took special notice of this one thing, namely,
that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins with sinners.
that is, to condemn all flesh and to open and allege
that the curse of God by the law doth belong to and lay hold of all men
as they come into the world because of sin.
now this part of my work i fulfilled with great sense (of feeling),
for the terrors of the law and guilt for my transgressions lay heavy on my conscience.
i preached what i felt,
what i smartingly did feel,
even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.
indeed, i have been as one sent to them from the dead.
i went myself in chains to preach to them in chains
and carried that fire in my won conscience that i persuaded them to beware of.
i can truly say that when i have been to preach
i have gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit door
and there it hath been taken off
and i have been at liberty in my mind until i have done my work
and then immediately, even before i could get down the pulpit stairs,
i have been as bad as i was before:
yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand,
for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.
thus i went on for the space of two years,
crying out against men's sins and their fearful state because of them.