4.27.2013 BUTTERFIELD 5

CONVERSION

...i came to the understanding that i couldnot possibly be a godly woman
if i didn't even know how to be a WOMAN.
pastor ken preached a sermon that really brought this point home to me.
and one monday afternoon, after praying fervently for God
to show me how to live as a godly woman,
i went through the church directory and picked out the three women
whose godlness, sense of self, p;ersonal strength and integrity
really stood out to me.
i picked women who were different from me,
but people who would answer me honestly.
i called becky smith, corrine thompson and kathy donath.
i askedd simple questions, even perhaps naive ones,
and i remember how tender each woman was in answering...
i was still struggling with my identity,
now with my new christian identityy.
how could a woman 'like me' be a godly woman?
each woman directed me to mary magdalene and to the proverbs 31 woman.
each woman reminded me that knowing God's forgiveness
in a real and vital way
is the root of all godliness-for men or..women.

making a life commitment to Christ was not merely a philosophical shift.
it was not a one step process.
it did not involve rearranging
the surface prejudices and fickle loyalties of my life.
in it i learned-and am still learning
-how to love God with all my heart...

CHANGES

..i also started to notice something else about my life:
i wasn't plagued with anxiety or nightmares anymore.
the intestinal distress that had been my daily companion
was no longer a part of my life..
i changed my exercise routine from intense running to active walking.
i cleaned my house and my office the way God was cleaning my soul:
i pitched things that weren't honoring to God.
i got rid of whole libraries of books, CDs, movies, pictures.
i unsubscribed to magazines and professional journals.
i suddenly had time in my life to reflect.
i took up gardening.
i enjoyed baking bread from scratch..(for others)
i forgave my enemies and enjoyed the solitude of daily prayer.
i read and re-read the bible, searching for examples for my life.
...i started to develop real friendships from within my church family.

CHURCH MEMBERSHIP

during one of my weekly discipleship meetings with floy,
she asked my if i had thought about church membership.
church membership ?
Me?
THIS church?
i was horrified!..Yuck!
i have never been a person given to joining clubs
and i found the whole question to be antithetical to my free spirit.
i told floy that i loved our church but that i didn't see any reason to
'join the club'.
she then told me something that really made me ..think:
she said that every believer in the bible is
what we would consider today to be a church member.
...pastor...said, if the US declared
that we were going to send one soldier to iraq.
one soldier!
even with the best equipment in the word,
how could one little soldier survive?
his point resonated with me
and reminded me of floy's counsel about church membership:
nobody goes into battle alone.
sanctification-growing in Christ
-is always both personal and communal.
we need one another.
our faith struggles and our successes are part of the body of Christ,
not possessed by our own little kingdom. this christian life was war..who in her right mind, floy asked,
would go to war without an army?

the covenant membership vows of the reformed presbyterian church are simple,
yet they cut me to the core...

1. do you believe the scriptures of the old and new testaments to
be the word of God, the only infallible rule of faith and life?

my 'rule of faith and life' had been my own intellect.
as a document wholly produced through oral history,
i hadno faith in the bible as true or accurate...
and what about the ontological fallacy inherent in using
the bible to 'prop up' God
while simultaneously using
God to 'prop up' the bible?...

2. do you believe in the one living and true God
-the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, as revealed in the scriptures?

i had believed that God was an imperialist social construct invented
to sooth the consciousness of the intellectually infirm...

3. do you repent of your sin
confess your guilt and helplessness as a sinner against God
profess Jesus Christ, Son of God, as your savior and Lord
and dedicate yourself to His service?
do you promise that you will endeavor to forsake all sin and
to conform your life to His teaching and example?

repent? sin? guilt? helplessness?
profess Jesus Christ as my savior and Lord?
the very name of Jesus i had once hated-deeply-and the only time
His name was uttered from my mouth was in curing something.

4. do you promise to submit in the Lord to the
teaching and government of this church
as being based upon the scriptures...?
do you recognize your responsibility to work with others in the church
and do you promise to support and encourage them
in their service to the Lord?
in case you should need correction in doctrine or life,
do you promise to respect the authority and discipline of the church?

submit myself to the elders of my church?
submit myself to a bunch of men, not one of whom had a PhD?
had i lost my mind...

5. to the end that you may grow in the christian life,
do you promise that you will diligently
read the bible,
engage in private prayer,
keep the Lord's day,
regularly attend the worship services,
observe the appointed sacraments
and give to the Lord's work as He shall prosper you?

how will i build my empire if i spend all of this time on God?...

6. do you purpose to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness
in all the relationships of life,
faithfully to perform your whoe duty as a true servant of Jesus Christ
and seek to win others to Him?

i had always sought first the kingdom of my own pleasure and person.
i sought to win others to myself and myself alone.

7. do you make this profession of faith and purpose in the presence of God,
in humble reliance upon His grace,
as you desire to give your account with joy at the last great day?

i didn't like thinking about my mortality or about the last great day.
i had buried countless gay friends ..
and it felt blasphemous to even entertain the idea
that after a hellish death that they would now spend eternity in hell.
i almost feared that believing this condemned them to hell.

in july 1999, i made my profession of faith before God..congregation..
ken smith had taught me that i was not 'joining' a church,
but rather, was making a covenant with God and with a church body.
as i stood before the congregation to make this profession of faith,
i felt the assault of my disloyalty to the gay community
as powerfully as i did my loyalty to Christ.
indeed, i could barely speak the 'i do'.
pastor ken took my uncontrolled shaking as consent
and the rest of the congregation took me on faith.
i still remember the trauma in my body when i hear our membership vows or
watch someone stand before the congregation for the purpose of baptism
or church membership.
each Lord's supper made me experience my traitorship
to my gay friends and to the person that i once was.