4.26.2013 BUTTERFIELD 3

COST

when i became a christian, i had to change everything-
my life
my friends
my writing
my teaching
my advising
myclothes
my speech
my thoughts.
i was tenured to a field that i could no longer work in.
i was the faculty advisor to all of the gay and lesbian
and feminist groups on campus.
i was writing a ook that i no longer believed in.
and, i was scheduled in a few months to give
the incoming address to all of syracuse university's graduate students.
what in the world would i say to them?
the lecture that i had written and planned to deliver
-on Queer Theory
-i threw in the trash.
thousands of new students would hear my first, fledgling attempts
to speak aboutchristian herneueutics at a postmodern university.
i was flooded with doubt about my new life in Christ.
was i willing to suffer like Christ?
was i willing to be considered stupid by those who didn't know Jesus?
the world's eyes register what a life in Christ takes away,
but how do i communicate all that it gives?
do i really believe..'the very chains of Christ are glorious?
peter, after being beaten for preaching the gospel,
rejoiced that he was 'counted worthy to suffer shame for (Christ's) name? acts 5.41
i pondered this. to the world, this is masochism.
to the christian, this is freedom.
did i really believe this?
do i really believe this today?

i wondered:
if my life was the only evidence that Christ was alive,
would anyone be convinced?

and what about my home, my HABITUS?
a habitus is a way of life that forms habits of the head,
habits of the heart, and habits of the mind.
my habitus had heretofore been a bastion of leftist politiacal activism.
what does a christian habitus look like,
especially one run by a single ex lesbian with a now defunct PhD?

and what about my frag queen friend, who had prayed
for the Lord's healing?
what exactly did that mean?
what exacly is repentance?
if it is a way of life for a christian,
i need to understand it
fully comprehensively deeply and well.

and what of my responsibilities to my gay friends?
were their secrets still safe with me?

what does joy in Christ mean when faced with duties that
you don't want?

as i am sure it is clear by these concerns,
i did not, in any way want to
'share the hope that lies within me'.
i wanted to go back to bed and draw the covers over my head.

conversion put me in a complicated and comprehensive chaos.
i sometimes wonder, when i hear other christians pray for
the salvation of the 'lost'.
if they realize that this comprehensive chaos
is the desired end of such prayers.
often, people asked me to describe the 'lessons'
that i learned from this exsperience.
i can't. it was too traumatic.
sometimes in crisis, we don't really learn lessons.
sometimes the result is simpler and more profound:
sometimes our character is simply transformed