in a word life is CHAOS right now. either intense spiritual warfare, which is what i'm putting it down to .. or, i'm losing it!! when i left leidy church one sister said, 'i think that this is a time of preparation for you. it has proved so. as time goes on it gets more intense. my mind at times goes to Jesus' temptation in the wilderness. i don't think of that as any kind of exact parallel for every week the idea of a specialized call to a certain ministry continues to fade. when we came back to souderton in 1985 i sensed that this would be the last place..a lifelong type of place. then during the time at leidy church the idea of restricting life and ministry to this town started to grow and has been there somewhere in the recesses. lately it has moved in focus from 'organized' to ad hoc. respond to whatever i come in contact with.
at this point, though, i don't think too much about 'ministry' just surviving. i don't know if the chaos i am experiencing is some kind of low grade consciousness that is reflective of real chaos going on at a subconscious level or if it is just an intense spiritually based broadside being continually turned up by the wicked one. whatever its basis what it is producing in me is an increased spiritual combativeness.
the weird thing is that, almost like on a parallel second 'channel' is precious Jesus! He most of all is a friend, one who is always present. this is growing. for a few years His presence was real but not by any means intimate like it is now.
one thing He is up to is that He wants me to absolutely crucify the flesh. i am still puzzling and praying over gal. 5.24 which says 'now those who belong to Christ Jesus HAVE CRUCIFIED the flesh with its passions and desires'. i wobble back and forth between the idea that this just expressing my position before God... is just another way of expressing the fact that the moment i trusted Christ as savior i was seen by God as in Christ when He died on the cross for my sin(s). when He died for my sin(s), i died to my sins (positionally).......or, and this is frightening to me, that, at one point, all the galatian believers..and by extension, all true believers came/come to the place where they said, 'that's it! i refuse to do what i want to do anymore. from now on i am dead..and will be dead to anything i want which is different from what God wants. it seems unlikely...this actual, once for all, decision. i just don't know.
all the other crucified type passages don't make me so uneasy. galatians 2.20 'i am crucified with Christ', romans 6.6 'knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, that our body of sin MIGHT BE done away with', and romans 8.13 'for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body you will live'...i guess all three of these give me the impression that there is a constant war going on that is winnable if we just keep putting to death each self thing that rears its head against the God thing that He wants to be done at that time, as described in galatians 5.16f 'but i say, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. for the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please'.
it would be easier to just go with the position idea. but with me, as God puts more fear in me of disobeying by 1. showing me how much deeper and more pervasive my sins are than what i had thought and 2. seemingly correcting me regularly and painfully for infractions, i'm kind of coming to think of this way of thinking and acting as just another by path into the broad road going to hell. if i'm just kicking back 'in Christ' and kind of excusing and rationalizing clear cut disobedience like i have done by my, it seems now, faulty understanding of the hard, narrow difficult path to heaven and by my excuse making (looking around at all the other (professing?) believers...look at what they are doing and it doesn't seem to bother them one bit!!!...) what if it is really true that there are very few who are actually genuine believers?
the words of Jesus are piercing so deeply lately (as in, 'this is what you need to do or be' and yet i am light years away from this, that or the other thing which He seems to pointing out to me and saying, 'this needs to be you') but i sense i remain largely unchanged by them. my father had an experience after salvation that he always said changed his life from a spiritual perspective. possibly i'm looking for that magic pill that will do the Change which i can then live out. problem is i just don't see it...but maybe, subconsciously am still desiring/ seeking it...
the thing that keeps coming into my heart is the difference between being a profess-er and a possess-er of saving faith. as james says in chapter 2, faith WORKS. it doesn't sit back and say, 'i believe, i believe, i believe' while at the same time not doing what the plain words of scripture say to do...as romans says, 'for not the hearers of the law are just before God, but the DOERS OF THE LAW WILL BE JUSTIFIED'. are such doers thinking that their deeds are what is getting them to heaven? no. there are a raft load of verses that shoot down this idea. but neither are they cruising through on some type of doctrinal statement agreeing basis. the most disturbing thing is that i feel i fall far short of the standard. i try to Do at varying levels of intensity and consistency but, wow, how can one express it all. i want to be All for Jesus, but the doing is just not there. i so want to be genuine. i so desire to be a doer rather than just a believer.
so the upshot is that i find that i keep sitting down on sharp spiritual pins. as a result i find that i am battling much more seriously to thwart 'me' and obey God. right now it is a battle royal. satan is a crafty one who is right there using his wily guiles to where i often find myself neck deep in 'the flesh' without hardly knowing how it came about. may God help me learn well his tricks.
one or two poops..
3.19 do not allow your mind to stay BLANK. refuse to allow your mind to WANDER ( all these are constantly happening right in the middle of concentrated focus spiritually) or BE IN A FOG or PUSHED DOWN. GRASP, grasp with COMPREHENSION! KEEP WORKING AT IT!
this may sound crazy but it is real. whether it is spiritual warfare or mental demise may be open to interpretation. all i know is that when i picked up 'the spiritual man' by watchman nee i often felt like he was describing things as i experience them in mind, emotion and spirit. one thing i know for sure is that i would rather have all this along with the Life i experience in spirit than all the dead years when i knew all about God (i thought) but did not have close to what i experience now of His power and goodness...and correction.
here are several snippets i've come across since i wrote the above hopefully somewhat related to what i wrestling with...
1. a quote from john bunyan in response to reading luther's commentary on II corinthians 1.9..this was of great use to me, 'but we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we might not trust our selves, but in God that raiseth the dead':
2.a quote from jonathan edwards..'in efficacious grace we are not merely passive, nor yet does God do some, and we do the rest. but God does all, and we do all. God produces all, and we act all. for that is what He produces, viz. our own acts. god is the only proper author and fountain; we only are the proper actors. we are in different respects, wholly passive and wholly active'. i don't fully understand that but it kind of reminds me of a verse i have often pondered over without understanding yet, eph. 2.10, 'for we are His workmanship in Christ Jesus unto good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them'. we used to have only dead works..good but not living, not partaking of the Life of God but only our poor creations. now what we do is, mysteriously, in some way partaking of and created by God...i guess.
there remaineth yet a rest to the people of God..'for he that is entered into His rest, he also has ceased from his own works, as God did from His. (heb. 4.10) i want to be entered into that rest, so that i may do the works of God with gusto, with all my strength, as much as possible and yet rest. seems like a paradox. help me God to 'having done EVERYTHING stand firm'. help me be broken, weak, forsaken, forgotten, despised like You were (and are) and yet each day be enabled to say 'i have accomplished what You had for me to do'. Lord, put steel in my backbone and FIGHT in my spiritual blood so i may do all possible for You. save me to the uttermost dear Lord. You live in me, but oh!..live through me too dear Lord.
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