right now i am a lost, helpless little lamb in a howling storm. i am increasingly made aware of my wickedness. my new nickname is steve HATING, HATEFUL paine. i have no heart for people. i sink lower and lower in every way...and yet, Jesus is very near, very real. i am crying out for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit from time to time but don't even fast, no tears, nothing. in this situation again the Lord spoke repeatedly to me yesterday. i did not move from the bible..
i have begun putting an hour a day into become much more familiar with the gospels. right now i am working thru luke. the words of Jesus made deep pierces into my heart yesterday. the most notable were:
1. luke 7.40f - speaking of love for Jesus, 'she WET MY FEET WITH HER TEARS etc
2. luke 12. 33 - concerning material things, 'SELL YOUR POSSESSIONS..MAKE YOURSELVES PURSES WHICH DO NOT WEAR OUT
3. luke 12.42 - concerning other believers,'GIVE THEM THEIR RATIONS AT THE PROPER TIME
4. luke 13.24 - concerning my eternal salvation,' STRIVE TO ENTER BY THE NARROW DOOR
5. luke 14.23 - concerning those who have not heard Jesus' invitation, 'COMPEL THEM TO COME IN
6. luke 16.13 - concerning what/who determines how i live daily life,' MASTERS..HATE..LOVE, ..HOLD TO..DESPISE
7. luke 16.16 - concerning being a possess-er of Life rather than merely a professor of faith, 'KINGDOM OF GOD..EVERYONE IS FORCING HIS WAY INTO IT
8. luke 21.3 - concerning what kind of giving catches God's attention, 'SHE PUT IN ALL..SHE HAD TO LIVE ON
all the above are the recorded words of Jesus. one after another He pierced my heart..He inflamed my heart with the desire to be what He was saying.
1. LUKE 7.40-50 i desperately need the open, costly, self forgetful love for Jesus that the first woman had. Jesus had been invited to dine with a pharisee. 'there was a woman in the city WHO WAS A SINNER and when she learned that He was reclining..she brought an alabaster vial of perfume'. how she got into the house is not told but it must have involved some ingenuity and effort ( and embarrassment?! she didn't care about anything but expressing, publicly, her love for Him) ..'and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to WET HIS FEET WITH HER TEARS and KEPT WIPING THEM WITH THE HAIR OF HER HEAD and KISSING HIS FEET and ANOINTING THEM WITH PERFUME'. who can fathom this?! she really didn't care who thought what of her. the only thing she cared about was showing her love for Jesus. i'm not even in the same universe with this woman, with this kind of love for Jesus even though it was so attractive. i ask,is there any hope i too may be awakened as to how much Jesus has forgiven, is forgiving, will forgive me of?
as the pharisee, sitting there observing all this, was inwardly judging both the woman and Jesus, He said, 'simon, I have something to say to you'..simon responded, 'say it, teacher'. 'a certain money lender had 2 debtors: 1 owed 500 denarii..the other 50..when they were unable to repay, he graciously forgave them both. which of them therefore will love him more?' simon..'i suppose the one whom he forgave more'. Jesus then contrasted simon's treatment of him and the woman's..'for this reason, I say to you, her sins which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little'.. i am the pharisee. my heart is pierced. i realize my position but unless Jesus somehow miraculously helps me see myself correctly i will never have that sweet, very well deserved love for Him i long to have.
2. LUKE 12.33-37 ..'SELL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVE TO CHARITY; MAKE YOURSELVES PURSES THAT DO NOT WEAR OUT, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near, nor moth destroys'..again i am in a horrid position of trying to send a thin stream of my possessions out of the door but with my heart still bound so tightly by them. it is taking so long to do anything because, i am convinced, at the subconscious level there is a tight, strangling cord of HIGHLY VALUED POSSESSIONS (even though most of it is certifiable junk) wound around my heart and mind. i wish God would destroy 54 and everything in it. that might spring me free..but then i would not fulfill the part about giving to charity. most of all it would be EASY. if i came home and 54 was totally burned or blasted into nothingness by heart would be full of joy...yet still invisibly shackled. on the conscious level i want to so much but i am behind a horrid thick pane of glass of self rule. my heart is pierced..apart from a miracle i will not obey these words. like the old hymn, 'sad, sad that bitter wail, almost persuaded..but lost'. may God awaken me to the horror of my position before Him...'for where your treasure is there will your heart be also'..oh may i work hard at just DOING what He says and crucify every contrary inward/outward movement away from obedience.
Jesus goes on BE DRESSED IN READINESS and KEEP YOUR LAMPS ALIGHT. in this section where He is instructing His disciples about His return He also says, 'BE LIKE MEN WHO ARE WAITING FOR their master..be ON THE ALERT..BE READY'..and then says 'who then is the faithful and sensible steward, whom his master will put in charge of his servants, to give them their rations at the proper time?
Jesus continues..'but if that slave says in his heart, 'my master will be a long time in coming' and begins to beat the slaves..and to eat and drink and get drunk the master of that slave will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know and will CUT HIM IN PIECES AND ASSIGN HIM A PLACE WITH THE UNBELIEVERS.'.. more and more i see myself, in horror, as only a profess-er (i believe this..i believe that..i believe the other thing in the bible) rather than a possess-er (i routinely ACT UPON what Jesus says to do). the piercing went on..
3. LUKE 12.42-8 could not this be the picture of any one of us who have trusted Jesus as savior and confessed Him to be our master? are not the other slaves in the master's house other such persons? does not each of us have the responsibility to share the master's food with the other slaves? but encourage (this is a greek word that can also mean comfort, exhort or warn depending on the context. in this context all these believers, in the midst of persecution desperately need the encouragement of each other lest they just give up and drop away from Christ and His people to save one's skin..) do we not all stewards? among many examples, the parable of the talents in matthew 25.14-30 the man, picturing God our creator, give talents of varying amounts to 'each according to his own ABILITY' to bring gain to the one who gave them...the parable of the minas or MONEY in luke 18.11-27 the nobleman, picturing God the giver of all we possess, gives the same number of minas to each and says 'DO BUSINESS WITH THIS UNTIL I COME BACK'..hoping to have gain from it. in the old testament there were 3 special feasts at which every male was to appear before Jehovah, 'none shall appear before Me empty handed. in ephesians 4.25 God commands, 'speak truth EACH ONE OF YOU with his neighbor, for we are members one of another'..am i giving rations to all the profess-ers around me? do i not notice and turn away repeatedly from giving needed rations? is there any hope for me? when will i finally fear God and keep His commandments for this applies to every person? (ecclessiastes 12.13.
4. LUKE 13.24-30 STRIVE..for many will seek to enter and will not be able. AM i striving..or am i one of the many who are seeking and will not be able...let all the above be commentary on this question. so many times i do not fight as though my very life depended on whether i succeeded or not. oh God have mercy! help me bestir myself time and time again as i see myself disobedient, careless, heedless and absorbed in myself.
5. LUKE 14.16-24 a certain man was giving a big dinner and he invited many. one of his slaves returned with reports of excuses given for not coming among the invited. the man became angry and said to His slave, 'GET OUT AT ONCE INTO THE STREETS AND LANES of the city and BRING IN HERE the POOR, and CRIPPLED, and BLIND, and LAME' . i have no idea how many countless people who i have encountered long enough to at least say, 'repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near' and not a word..not even a thought to speak a word! i don't consciously (a fine upstanding christian would, of course, never think such an awful thought!) think they are unworthy...but something like this must be fully operative below the conscious level. the unformed thot may say 'you are not worthy to be invited because of (and then fill in the blank with a myriad of reasons, a few of which may be..) the way you look, act, where you live, how you treat me, etc. etc. etc.
the slave came back a second time and said, 'what you have commanded has been done.." can i say that? can i say that everyone i have any contact with has in some way been invited to the Lord('s house)? ..he goes on, 'and still there is room'. the heart of Jesus will never turn away one.
the master says, 'GO OUT INTO THE HIGHWAYS and ALONG THE HEDGES, and C O M P E L THEM TO COME IN, that my house may be full. the Lord knows not only the horror of not coming to Him but the glory He deserves that will be lacking. the thought comes, does God engage in hyperbole? somehow i don't think these words that are piercing so deeply are just for effect. i believe they are a sober, accurate reflection of God's heart, of the way He would do. didn't His mother and family come for Him shortly after the start of His ministry saying, 'He is out of His senses'? were not His words so many times little darts of flame? the heart of the Lord is infinitely more compassionate, suffering with us and yearning for us, than what seems almost impossible to conceive of. O may God awaken my soul and my will to actually DO what He says.
6. LUKE 16.13 - 'no man can serve two masters; for either he will HATE the one and love the other or else he will hold to one and DESPISE the other. you CANNOT serve God and mammon.
how often has Jesus felt the sting of my hate, my despite in deliberately disobeying what He wants? my loving and holding to and loving either to the one who hates me or to dust and ashes?
7. LUKE 16.16 - the law and the prophets were proclaimed until john; since then the gospel of the kingdom of God is preached and everyone is FORCING his way into it. Lord help me to energetically DO Your will! for the gate is small and the way is narrow and FEW are those who find it. many will strive to enter and will not be able. it is not the one who hears and understands Your word and gives intellectual assent to it that is able to get in, 'for not the hearers of the law are just before God, but the DOERS of the law will be justified! truly 'faith' with no accompanying obediences is dead. oh Lord make of me a wise man who hears Your words and ACTS UPON them! help me put every other desire to death and do everything You want, Lord.
8. LUKE 21.1-4 - and He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury. and He saw a certain poor widow putting in 2 small copper coins. and He said, 'truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all of them. for they all out of their SURPLUS put into the offering, but she out of her poverty put in ALL THAT SHE HAD TO LIVE ON.' Lord, the spirit is totally gone out of me, for in these pierces You have shown me how far away from You i am. i ask for a spiritual awakening. i ask for You to pour out Your Spirit upon me oh Lord. i cannot do anything apart from You.
as i slog through each day, forcing myself to do the littlest thing these days i came upon several other verses that speak the above message:
1. R E N O U N C E YOURSELF ONCE AND FOR ALL, (oh Lord, help...pour out Your spirit..)
2. BE SERIOUS ABOUT DOING ALL YOU CAN FOR GOD IN THE MOMENT YOU HAVE,
3. BE INTENSE IN THE SPIRIT OF JESUS
4. BE FOCUSED ON THE SPIRIT OF JESUS, which is living/ speaking the Truth
5. BE ENERGETIC THROUGH THE POWER OF THE SPIRIT OF JESUS
4. F O R G E T ABOUT WHAT ANY MAN THINKS ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, ARE DOING OR WILL DO (unless, of course, it is sin). become, no, rather EMBRACE whatever comes your way...for it is the same that came His..
and so, as a postscript..
mark 4.24..Jesus is speaking parables and other things to a multitude of people. in the middle He says,
1. if any man has EARS TO HEAR, let him HEAR
2.TAKE CARE what you listen to (WHAT I SAY TO YOU or the words of anyone else you will ever listen to...? i'm guessing at the possible meaning in these parentheses areas))
3. by your standard of measure it shall be measured to you (if you LISTEN CAREFULLY so as to UNDERSTAND and DO you, I will be careful to reward you greatly....?)
4. and more shall be given you besides (positively..you'll get a baker's dozen from me for what you give me; negatively..to the extent you tune me out, to that extent i'll take away from you the little you may have....?)
luke 15.4..'GOES AFTER the one (sheep) which is lost, UNTIL HE FINDS IT..
v.8...'light a lamp and sweep the house and SEARCH CAREFULLY UNTIL SHE FINDS IT (one day's wage)..
v.20f...'WHILE HE (a son who wished his father dead so he could take all his property to spend it on his own pleasure) WAS STILL A LONG WAY OFF, his father SAW him, and FELT COMPASSION for him, and RAN and EMBRACED him, and KISSED him...the father said to his slaves, QUICKLY BRING OUT THE BEST ROBE and PUT IT ON HIM, and PUT A RING ON HIS HAND AND SANDALS ON HIS FEET; and BRING THE FATTENED CALF, KILL IT AND LET US EAT AND BE MERRY, for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found.
who do the man, the woman, the father picture. v. 10 gives a hint when Jesus says, 'IN THE SAME WAY, I tell you, there is JOY in the presence of the angels (lit. in the midst of...who would be in the middle of the angels i wonder?) over ONE SINNER WHO REPENTS'.
oh You who are piercing my heart so with Your word...in combination with progressively showing me how utterly evil i am...strengthen me to be like the widow with the unjust judge and keep petitioning You. don't let me faint..o Lord give me..baptize me into..plunge my wicked sinful life in You dear Lord...pour out Your Holy Spirit upon me. bring me to the place where i importune You continually with, GIVE ME THE INTENSITY OF YOUR SEEKING, SUFFERING LOVE OR I DIE!
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