william carey, a missionary from england to india, kept a journal for the first two years dating from his departure from england. excerpts as follows:
6.13 1793 ..i was returned (circumstances brought carey back to england soon after departure) to take all my family with me and to enjoy all the blessings which i had surrendered up to God..
6.28 ..i have of late found my mind more impressed than ordinary with the importance of the work upon which i am going - God grant that i may feel it more and more.
6.29 ..i find some delight in reading and in preparing for my work by writing the bengali - only however because it relates to my great work.
6.30..a congregation (on ship)..of ten..but no good done yet
7.6 nothing remarkable. (these are the only words of the day. carey is a man of few words, a trait i should seek..)
7.22 ..wretched day full of chagrin - discontent and pride no heart for God nor for divine things spent the day in reading - but to no purpose..
8.2..i am very desirous that my children may pursue the same work and now intend to bring up one in the study of sanskrit and anothe of persian..
8.20..i have of late felt some very lively desires after the success of our undertaking - if there is anything engages my heart in prayer to God it is that the heathen may be converted..
1.13.1794....the hurry of business took up all my time and preyed upon my soul, so that with the prospect of worldly poverty and the want of a sense of divine things filled me with constant discontent and restlessness of mind..oh may i again taste the sweets of social religion which i have given up, and see in this land of darkness, a people formed for God.
1.15-6..was very much dejected all day. have no relish for anything of the world, yet am swallowed up in its cares..
1.19..they alleged the divine original of the koran; we inquired, have you ever seen or read it - the universal answer was, no - but today a man came who pretended to have seen it - we asked him if he knew the beginning of every chapter, for they all begin with these words, 'in the name of God gracious and merciful' - but he said, no for it is written in arabic and no one could understand it -the ? now was then, how can you obey it? and wherefore are you muhammadans? to this they could not reply - they said, and so says the koran, that the koran was sent to confirm the words of scripture. we insisted that the bible said, whosoever shall add to - or diminish from the word of god shall be under the curse of God, but the koran was written after the bible and pretends to divine authority - therefore, if the gospel be true mohammed must be accursed and the koran of no authority and if the bible be not true the koran cannot for that you say was to confirm it - they answered, that the jews and christians had corrupted the bible, which was the reason why God made the revelation by mohammed - we answered then how could the koran come to confirm it, if it was corrupted it needed correction, not confirmation - being driven to their last shift, they said mohammed was the friend of god, but esau, by whom they mean Jesus, was the spirit of God - to which mushi (carey's native helper) shrewdly replied, then which would think highest your friend or your souljor spirit..many more things were said to recommend the gospel and the way of life by Christ and as night came on we left them.
1.20..it has been a day of mercy, tho to my shame of spiritual barrenness..
1.21..felt some pleasure in the morning in prayer to God, but all the rest of the day was at an awful distance from God..
1.22..my wife is within this day or two relapsed into her affliction (she became mentally deranged due to excessive fear of the ocean)..but in the mount of the Lord it is seen..
1.23..(in the midst of great trials occasioned by another missionary)..my heart bleeds for him..o for contentment, delight in God and much of His fear before my eyes - if i now only labour alone, but even if i should lose my life in the undertaking - i anxiously desire the time when i shall so far know the language as to preach in earnest to these poor people.
1.25..have reason to bless for a day of quietness and calmness, tho i must mourn over my barrenness and the strange stupidity of my heart..
1.26..went to visit our congregation of natives again..the person who acted as priest or keeper of the place was so ashamed, when we told him that all the offerings were made to his belly, that he went away - confounded with the laughter of the people..their inquisitiveness and numbers increase..
1.28..this morning at calcutta - again disappointed about $..o what a portion is God and what a shame that i am not always satisfied with Him..
1.31..a day of vexation barrenness and worse than nothing.
2.1..if once God would by his Spirit convince of sin, a saviour would be a blessing indeed to them; but human nature is the very same all the world over; and all conviction fails except it is produced by the effectual working of the Holy Spirit.
2.7..had but little pleasure, tho much leisure, it has been a day of lasitudes and dullness..
2.9-13..my soul is barren and absorbed in temporal things - Lord enlarge my heart.
3.2-4..oh that my soul was not so barren and unfruitful in the work and ways of God.
3.5 still i mourn my barrenness and the foolish wanderings of my mind, surely i shall never be of any use among the heathen. i feel so very little of the life of godliness in my own soul: it seems as if all the sweetness that i have formerly felt was gone, neither am i distressed, but a guilty calm is spread over my soul, and i seem to spend all my time and make no progress towards the desired port either in a public or private way - i am full of necessities yet am not distressed, i wan wisdom to know how to direct all my concerns, and fortitude, and affectionate concern for the glory of God and faith and holiness in all its branches, then my soul would be like a well managed garden, but now it is a mere jungle.
3.6..o when shall i serve God uninterruptedly and pursue every other thing in a subserviency to his divine will, and in such a manner as to commune with him in every thing that i do.
3.7 in the morning had a very miserable unhappy time for some hours; o what a body of death do i carry about, how little can i bear who little patience have i under the contradictions i meet with; and the afflictions i meet how little are they sanctified; instead of growing in grace i almost conclude myself to be destitute of the grace of God at all.
3.8 felt much remains of dullness and indisposition to the things of God. i see now of the value of christian society - - when i had that advantage i have often felt that visiting a friend was like throwing oil upon the fire or like as iron sharpeneth iron, so have the countenances of my friends stirred me up to an holy activity and diligence in the things of God..
3.12 i am very defective in all duties; both with respect to the manner and mater of them; in prayer i wander, and am formal; not having that (quiet) lively sense of my wants which is necessary to wrestling with God; i ask for blessings, yet seem almost contented to go without obtaining them, i soon tire, devotion languishes; and i don't walk with God, - considering myself always as in his light. o what a mercy it is to live near to him; and to realize his perfections, and relations to us constantly..
3.14 dullness and peevishness, with a sense of guilt on my mind.
3.15 in this wilderness o how my soul wanders, i thirst, but find nothing to drink 0 Lord i beseech thee deliver my soul..
3.16 such another sabbath i hope i never shall pass - what a hell it would be to be always with those who fear not God; as is the case with the benevolent man with whom i reside..
3.18 barren in my soul, o that it was with me as in months past.
3.19 had a little pleasure in divine things and in the evening conversed with a carnal man about the things of God - and in vain endeavored to press the importance of seriousness.
3.23 Lord's day - enjoyed much happiness in reading to and instructing my family..
3.24 devoted in some measure to God: but o how little is my will swallowed up in God's..
3.29 through mistake spent this day as the sabbath, i have however abundant reason to be thankful for the mistake, it has been a time of refreshing indeed to me; o what is there in all this world worth living for but the presence and service of God - i feel a burning desire that all the world may know this God and serve him - o how long will it be till i shall know so much of the language of the country as to preach Christ crucified to them: but bless God i make some progress.
4.4 this day very much defected, my own barrenness and the providential delays which i meet with, are a weight which depresses my soul, i make so little progress in the bengali language, and am so unsettled and so barren that it seems as if i should never be of any use at all - yet i think i am too impatient, o that god would make me wholly resigned to his will in all things.
4.5 how wicked is the heart of man, and what a curse must it be to be wholly under its wicked dominion; then all mercies are repelled; all privileges neglected and all god's authority slighted; this awful spirit so prevails in me that i can scarcely tell whether i have the grace of god or not, if i have it how very low is the degree, and if not - then how shall i teach others; i can scarce determine - but be as it may, i am resolved to spend and be spent in the work of my Lord Jesus Christ.
4.7 bless God i have enjoyed some pleasure in God today and spent the evening in a long dispute with my friendly host, was enabled, through mercy to be faithful and speak of the necessity of faith in Christ in order to salvation - this was called illiberal and uncharitable; as it excluded unbelievers and eventually adjudged the heathens to eternal misery. i argued that i was no more uncharitable than the bible..
4.8 a day of business, hurry, sorrow and dejection; i seem cast out of the christian world and unable yet to speak to the heathens to any advantage - and daily disappointment discourages my heart - i not only have no friend to stir me up, or encourage me in the things of God but every discouragement arising from my distance from mr. thomas (the closest european contact to carey and supposed to be a co-worker); the infidelity of europeans - who all say that the conversion of the natives is impossible and the stupid superstition of the native themselves; in england i should not be discouraged by what infidels say, but here i have not the blessing of a christian friend to sympathize with me, nor the ability to make the trial of preaching the gospel. ALL MY HOPE IS IN AND ALL MY COMFORT ARISES FROM GOD; without his power no european could possibly be converted and his power can convert any indian, and when i reflect that he has stirred me up to the work, and wrought wonders to prepare the way i can hope in his promises, and am encouraged and strengthened..
4.11..who would grudge to spend his life, and his all, to deliver an (otherwise) amiable people, from the misery and darkness of their present wretched state (carey had just witnessed, for several days, these people in elaborate, public self-torture in the service of their religion), and how should we prize that gospel which has delivered us from hell, and our country from such dreadful marks of satan's cruel dominion as these.
4.12 nothing but care, worldliness, and anxiety to day - may it be buried in oblivion.
4.13 lord's day, this has been a day of real enjoyment to my soul and of true profit. i think that if it was not for some opportunities of this nature the wheel of religion would be entirely clogged; but these seasons of refreshing now oil them, and i move on again.
4.15 bless God that his presence is not departed, this evening during the approach of a violent storm of thunder, i walked alone and had sweet converse with God in prayer; o i longed to have all my fetters knocked off that i might glorify God without hindrance either natural or moral.
4.16 a day of wretchedness, in which my wickedness seemed to be let loose against me. o what a fountain of vileness is my heart - and how desperately wicked my nature - can such a wretch as i ever expect to be of any use? i think not-
4.17 begun with turbulence and wretchedness of mind, and so continued - neither could i draw near to God, great mountains of guilt, and shame blocked up the way of my access to god; o wretched man that i am - who shall deliver me from the body of this death.
4.18 tumultuous in the beginning but afterward more calm - yet a burden of guilt is not easily removed - nothing short of infinite power and infinite goodness can remove such a load as mine. o that i had but a smiling God, or an earthly friend to whom i could unbosom my soul - but my friend is at a great distance and God frowns upon my soul - o may His countenance be lifted upon me again..
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