Lord, You are so good. take me to be with You soon! and until You do help me use every second to love You.
this week was total chaos. as far as the fence is concerned i had constant blockages from a multitude of angles. i had originally planned to have the entire 100' or so of fence completely sanded and 'rust converted' by friday pm. as of that time i had a little less than two of the 18 sections sanded. the man who was going to fix the front porch has, for various reasons, not come yet. i keep moving all the posts out and then moving them back to the barn. God unexpectedly provided an about 24 hour job out of the blue which was completed. all that i had planned to do on 54 in other areas has not been accomplished. i'm grateful for the Lord's unexpected provision but the rest of work related things are in wreckage.
i have guidance to do certain things which are continually thwarted in a variety of ways. i remember nee saying that the Lord will give direction but then we need to wait on His time as to the completion of what He wants done. He seems to be really focusing on that area right now. He is taking a totally impetus person and changing him in this area from glory to glory even by the Lord the Spirit. my flesh is sooo bonkers but in spirit i rejoice in His patient recreation-in-His-image work within. everything seems to have a design factor: bring steve to utterly reject doing anything by his own power and, instead, make him absolutely depend (literally, hang from!) Me for EVERYTHING. the flesh absolutely hates and rebels against this and so the Lord has to work patiently...and painfully to make this change within. the spirit He gently nudges toward is a spirit of absolute joy in Him and praise and TRUST in the face of IMPOSSIBILITY. x is what I want you to do (read that 'this is what I will do...and i'll let you help)
the seven daily rocks (absolute essentials that nothing else pushes out of the way) continue to be another absolute battlefield. i am still far from 'bomb-proof' in the area of a rocklike commitment to make sure these are done no matter what else may be left undone. right now the fight is especially intense in the area of scripture memory/daily meditation (review) of 100 verses. i'm sure my enemy is not happy that ephesians 1 and II sam. 23.1-7 have just been added to the memorized passages. Lord, i cry to You. help me! give me a great love for Your word, to love to spend time listening to Your voice, to Your heart, to Your desires for me.
running has been another casualty along with up-at-5-and-down-at-10 sleep. the last two nights i have not gotten to bed before 1:30 am...i am rereading e.stanley jone's song of ascents for the third time (i think this is a second..i don't reread books)...and here once again about a man who under a lifelong crush of incredible activity/responsibility always stole away two times a day, no matter what was happening, to be with You and Your Word. i also think of psalm 127 where it talks about the incredible challenge of 'building a house' (ie. provision of needs and loving of spouse and raising of children) and there part of the dictum is 'it is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows (worry!) for so He gives His beloved sleep.' Lord! order my life by the template of Your word. the entrance of Your word giveth light...you shall know the truth (Thy word is truth!) and the truth shall set you free! i give my wreck of a week, my wreck of a self to You once again oh You who restoreth (again and again and again and again an...well you get the never-ending blessed picture!) my soul.
i am once again beginning to look at people in the eyes and smile..and if possible..to greet everyone i touch in any way.
had an 8 hour discussion with a brother this week surrounding this question: is it sin to fail to respond? he did not, as i feel, believe it to be sin. i kind of tried to distill the essence of, the nature of non-response to make my point. he expressed that no one had the right to compel another to respond. i'm not sure he ever 'heard' me but i made it as clear as i knew how that compulsion was not what i had in view by asking the ?.
i asked if he thot that there was ever a time when God did not respond to us when we called to Him. He says, in one of a myriad of ways, call to Me AND I WILL SHOW YOU great and mighty things which you know not. so, if God keeps His word the answer would be yes HE ALWAYS RESPONDS..yes, no, not yet. if He does and we are to be imitators of God as beloved children, i would assume that means that anyone who claims to be God's child would have in their heart to respond.
i shared that response, evidently considered a little thing by many, is indicative of bigger things AS VIEWED BY GOD. Jesus said, 'he who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much.. (lk.16.10) if we can think of the biggest thing we feel that God would want us to do for Him, that thing must include and have as a precursor responding. if i can't respond..meaning that i am in circumstances that make response impossible that is one thing. if i feel i can't currently respond or that i am not able to(will not) respond then i need to make that known.
i also began to, as it were, 'blow up' non-response so as to aid in the investigation of it's essential nature (ie. what does non-response mean when it is given and what does it do when it is experienced? where does it reside on the good-evil continuum for the average person) ala : it is easy to disregard living human beings being ripped to pieces when they are incapable of making any noticable response and when this is done behind walls and doors out of sight...it is increasingly difficult to disregard more and more public and personally identifiable shredding of human bodies ie. watching your child (or someone supremely near and dear to your heart) screaming in terror and pain as their body is similarly destroyed in one's presence.
i began with, would it be acceptable to you if a total stranger you just met refused to respond when you talked to them? how would that feel? what would you think? how about an acquaintance? a close friend? your child or another close relative? what about your wife? up to the last, amazingly, he was able to maintain his position that 'i do not have the right to compel or expect another to respond to me' but that position crumbled and he said that it would not be acceptable and he would then seek to address it with a view to removing it from the relationship.
we discussed other factors. there are definitely instances where lack of response is appropriate. proverbs says, 'do not answer a man ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY..(why?) lest you be like him', but that is not the normal nature of the interactions we experience.
i'm open to learn more and to grow in this area. possibly i'm missing something. but i would say that, given the amount of non-response (let alone abusive, non-encouraging response) that i regularly experience among other people who would claim to be God's children that there is a deep and very toxic anti-relational element in relationship...again as i experience. i often think of the proverb that talks about the rich person having many friends but the poor man running after, thru lack of response, even the members of his own family...so that needs to be factored in in my situation since i have little or nothing to offer that is attractive under the sun. yet, to me, this is an absolute crisis. it is no surprise that there is so little real relationship if the basics of relationship are not even practiced. another indication of this ubiquitous cancer is indicated by the fact that, across the board, 99% of 'relationship' that i experience is either totally superficial or me focusing on (asking questions, listening to) 'the other' in the relationship.
i make matters worse by having the temerity to, in certain cases, challenge 'the other' about their lack of response. the near universal response to this is lack of any response! and i would assume, on the part of 'the other', a moving even further away from real relationship where there is an ongoing MUTUAL concern and response. i view the reality of genuine, mutually-nourishing/chreishing relationship largely from the perspective of jeremiah. it seems it would not take much to puncture and deflate the thin skin of public civility (ie. public hypocrisy) to reveal the monstrosity that lurks..ubiquitous..beneath. he says, 'o Lord, Thou hast deceived me and i was deceived; Thou hast overcome me and prevailed. i have become a laughingstock all day long. everyone mocks me. for each time i speak, i cry aloud, i proclaim violence and destruction, because for me the word of the Lord has resulted in reproach and derision all day long. but if i say, 'i will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name, then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones and i am weary of holding it in and i cannot endure it. for i hav heard the whispering of many, 'terror on every side! denounce him; yes, let us denouce him!' all my trusted friends, watching for my fall, say; 'perhaps he will be deceived, so that we may prevail against him and take our revenge on him'. but the Lord is with me like a dread champion, therfore my persecutors will stumble and not prevail...' (20.7f)
my sense, possibly my congenital touch of paranoia, is that i do not dwell far from jeremiah's reality. were i to speak the truth in love more than i do, which is an inner compulsion i -to my shame - often supress, i would, in am convinced, live in his reality...there is only one person i do not consciously repond to immediately and that is doug, a man who now lives in a group home but who lived at 54 for 10 months. the distinct thot occurred to me a while back that i was treating him like i am so often treated. i decided to stop my lack of response for even though, to my perspective, calls to no real purpose and says trite, inane, ludicrous things...he is a mirror of how i evidently am perceived by others who i contact. God responds to me carefully, attentively, immediately..He ratchets it up! He is constantly with me, knowing everything about me. His thots toward me are multitudinous. how can i do less than respond to a fellow-inmate in this insane asylum called earth? all he seeks is at least a drop of water (to hear something beside the echo of his own voice) in this scorching desert we all trod.
it is monday evening. i have just typed for an hour finishing thots on response, above. today i got up and realized i had 'hit the wall' again and so have spent the day largely comatose, at the reading level. may You help me talk to You constantly did to Your father when You were here, in the constant press of need and ministry. this related thot from john wesley, i believe..be diligent. never be unemployed. never be triflingly employed. never trifle away time. never spend any more time at any one place than is strictly necessary.
in the paraphrased words of james taylor i am a hunk of steamin' junk and yet somehow You love me! thank You for Your love, Lord..so faithful and true.
am reading thru genesis in spanish and found a beauty in 1.18..that the sun, moon and stars were to sAnyOrer (a cognate of senor-mister..really master) over the day and the night. as i contemplated that along side of the spanish word used for 'Lord" (senor) it was a beautiful picture of the length and breadth, the bestowing nature of lordship. there's nothing gonna happen when all the lights go out, the breadth of lordship..the lights, on, bestow so much of what constitutes life. Lordship's giving and essentiality, in this picture, seem to almost cause Lordship's control and direction and command...just a very nourishing picture/truth to chew on.
sunday decided to pray in spanish during my quiet time. not as difficult as i had thot and a very real and special time of speaking to the Lord. so far i have written over 100 words in my little dictionary and i only write things that are new to me so i'm enthused so far to be inching forward in my understanding of spanish. my profesora and i locked horns on friday but had a very good session over all.
this week was led to examine whether or not i really am believing the promises of God. do i really believe that when i admit a wrong thot, word, deed, do i really believe (ie. experience) that You have forgiven and cleansed me from all unrighteousness.
the things i witness, and especially last week witnessed, in the slow-down-to-15-mph-as-you-pass-the-front-of-the-school zone are of the normal tragicomedy we call life here on earth. i won't get started but simply refer to an article by janiebchenny (or something like that) in the 9.26.09 edition of world mag where she posits what i have thot - that children these days are gods, that women especially have a virulent infection of this particular disease and that it, in part, is a direct result of the massive, one-third-of-a-generation abortions that have been chosen to tidy-up and enhance millions of women's lives. the zone out front is one of the places of worship of those who have survived.
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