9.13.09 MAY YOU LIVE FOREVER!

i thank the Lord that He provided a good amount of work the first four days this week because friday and saturday were rained out. the weekly avg. for 09 now stands at 18.6 hours. very little work remains and that will be finished dv this week. something may arise but at this point this seems doubtful. the possiblity of staining a big house fell through and other circumstances have developed that may have totally dried up a lot of work i was hoping to finish out 09's hours with..so You have me where i need to be all the time Lord..trusting You for 'what's next'. oh Lord, keep drawing me to the position of total, ongoing trust in only You no matter if the good times are rolling or i am destitute of all provision and help on a human level.

am hoping, nothing coming in, Lord that You will help me to climb mt. impossibility and plant Your banner on the top! i would be talking about fixing, cleaning and organizing 54. i would rather do anything that work on my home/property. oh Lord, strengthen me for the assault, the ascent, the blood-and-guts perseverence..and the thrill of VICTORY IN JESUS in this area of my life. the first..and one of the most dreaded..project that needs to be done is to relieve the neighborhood of hearing the roar of water cascading into a homemade trench by laying new water pipe where damaged and by clearing out the piping going out into the street. i will be having a million excuses not to do it but this year has been a year of tremendous struggle yet tremendous victory. for the first time in my life i have not totally given up in doing what i ought. that is huge. so, two goals for 09: 1. don't give up and throw in the towel thru december. this will be huge because it will mean that i will have to do the water drainage project. (working on the house a certain amount of time every day is one of the seven daily rocks that must be done) 2. end 09 with catching up on rocks that are currently behind from a ytd perspective so this can become the first year in my life to not completely throw aside all duty and the first year to meet all rock (duty) goals for the year. then on that foundation i can work to meet the 7 rock goals every week in 10 and every day from 11 on...PRETTY PATHETIC AREN'T I. this would be a good time to put in a plug to make good habit formation a core goal in the raising of every little child. WOW! would that ever put them light years ahead... but as pathetic as i am, You have not cast me aside Lord. think of all those years when all i thot of was pleasure..doing what i want. You are so precious Lord. thank you for not giving me, in this and so many areas, what i deserve. thank you that You gave me a disciplined wife so our children were not wasted totally by my evil example and are much like her in this area. You are merciful and mighty!!..and i praise You Lord.

every week at mision evangelica my ear for spanish is improving. now i am able to distinguish about half the words although i don't know the meaning of some and the pace is so fast that i can only understand single word or short phrase meaning. but it's good. being, in my old man, a bit paranoid i am stuggling abit..feeling that people are not quite as friendly. but as i think and pray it comes: 1) honeymoon periods are the norm in human relationships. don't worry just stick to what you sense is right and if your heart is right before the Lord then everything is fine no matter if everything is terrible. 2) i am cool toward the women and am often thinking of my dad's advice 'steve be careful of how you relate to women. don't be too friendly of too unfriendly' and am praying, Lord show me the way. but until i am comfortable before the Lord in this area i am uncomfortable, for i feel that a number of women who have been very friendly and to whom i have, maybe, been too cool are moving away. (possibly offended, by their reactions) 3) same on the man side for i am not as friendly as i might because i really don't want to come into a spanish-speaking church and be talking english all the time. again, they may not understand because they don't know what i'm thinking. (i could walk around with a sandwich board explaining my behavior toward women on the front and toward men on the back but somehow i don't think that would be a good idea either.) bottom line is that it's hard to be misunderstood and not feel you are in a position to be able to explain. it's all good. i need to smile alot and say dios bendiga in passing until i can begin actually saying spanish words and understanding them. today i actually had a thot to translate the words of 'victory in Jesus" into spanish, learn them and offer to sing them...but that's probably not from You. show me the way Lord. help me to surrender all this angst to You and relax...

finalized the cremation this week. phil lakjer and i went to univest, i gave them my check for $625 and got an irrevocable thing that can be used to pay whoever cremates what's left behind.
i don't need no service, newspaper thing or eulogies. no need forcing people into public lying! if there's enough left over you guys can go to mt. champlain at acadia and throw my dust up in the air in celebration that I'M HOME AT LAST. if president obama has his way maybe the state will get rid of me early and i can go home sooner. Lord, though, would You burn me out rather than allow the indignity of rust, mold and rot...or perhaps they might put me in a straight jacket in some closet until my state appointed time of departure...the other day i took off from lakjer's funeral home, went down main st., pulled up to the paint store, jumped out and on the way in saw that the back hatch was still open with all my paint cans and supplies sitting on the bumper (glued with divine glue i guess) just as i left them...oh that gallon of slow-penetrating oil paint all over main street would have been fun though!

this diatribe came in the middle of painting...the earth is filled with men who are self-condemned. they disavow a God of judgment but regularly sit in judgment upon those around them while blind to the fact that this should show them - i am created in His image.

this week i began a tepid experiment of trying to recycle water used in the kitchen to be used to wash the car, water the garden, whatever..maybe take a bath in..i don't know. i'm sure there are a world of uses..

i've been thinking that SHIT comes out of every one of us the same way.. from the pope to an untouchable, mongoloid child with a cleft palate in india. it's one of the many quiet messages from God that we're to think about. no matter what 'big stuff' we are it is a constant, (sometimes) silent message that we aren't as big as we think. we all, the Bible says, have a shitty nature and it will keep coming out all our time here. most of us go to great lengths to hide the spiritual/moral shit, just as we don't squat out there wherever and whenever we have the urge come on.

its a laugh isn't it..the persecution of michael vick over dogs in the midst of millions of dismembered, bloodied and deliberately murdered human beings by millions of people in our country..

talked to a little boy the other day about God and when i asked him if he thought he was bad enough to be sent to hell he said no.

there is a person that everytime i get physically near them or hear their voice a deep hatred everytime wells up. oh Lord, have mercy upon my wicked soul. why am i like this?

i am seeing more and more that i must drive people nuts with my continual blabbing. i'm starting to notice it more in others. when you continually talk non-stop i guess you are either saying 1) aren't i and the things i have to say the most interesting and good and helpful and..or 2) i don't really care about what you think to much or about the value of your time. Lord, would You help me in this wretchedness to be healed of diarrhea of the mouth. at least let me have the decency to STOP TALKING BRIEFLY to give the possibility of mutual dialogue or of learning of another's joys and sorrows and interests and troubles..hope you have a good week. love, dad