computers are sluggish today so have gone thru 20 minutes to get to this point. this week has been the usual, of late, desert. nee says that modern christians view spirituality as either having profound knowledge, i'm assuming he meant biblical, and/or passionate 'spiritual' feeling rather than obedience to God's will. period. for several years now the feelings part (the knowledge part dropped away a number of years ago) has progressively disappeared from my life, somewhat contemporaneous with the reading/meditating of nee's spiritual man. i can say in all seriousness that during the early years of my time at leidy church i was a bonifide 'spiritual feelings junkie'. i am becoming convinced that God wants me to utterly die not only to living by 'spiritual feeling' but to everything i want so that i am able, having jettisoned all else, to be better able to focus on and to do whatever He wants, feelings and all else to the side. i seem to be inching along this kind of continuum of sorts and so my average day looks like utter failure, feedback, staccato, walking thru a minefield, exhaustion etc. keep fighting to pray, to do the seven daily duties, to take every thot captive to obey Christ but feel like i'm neck deep in mud. the one thing that is a haven right now is the Word. Jesus is leaping off the pages in a way never experienced before. He used to be an insipidly sweet nice guy. now i have trouble seeing how He stayed alive as long as He did. (am having trouble at this point with letters i type coming up on the screen and a big red band entitled ERROR just came up on the top of the screen so this may somehow blow up and never see the light of day) LORD help. anyway, i have never heard a person talk to others and with others like He did. what an exquisite mix of lion and lamb. right now i am focusing on His words in my red letter edition and He is shocking me, feeding me, showing me how to be like Him, if i dare, and touching my heart with His AUTHORITY. wow.
last week's confrontation and then 'losing' my back was followed up by God speaking very clearly to me (lot) that i should do whatever told this past friday. when at WAPP i discussed the police confrontation with a number of people. father bill's input was the best. i asked him what he would do if the police arbitrarily told him to take down or move his signs. he said he would. then to come from another angle i asked him, 'would you leave if the police told you to leave'? he said no. would you go to jail? yes. this man is a retired priest in his 80s and a very irenic man. we have had good conversations about faith, salvation and many other things in the past..and...i don't know just hearing his answers just kind of calmed me down. for how long i don't know because i am a roaring volcano beneath the surface. when i am in this destupified state it is an achievement to just stay out of jail every week. on a human level i can justify a myriad of disobediences to the government under the rationale that they are operating on a totally illegal basis. when pulled back to God's point of view i can reluctantly agree mentally that God uses all kinds of totally wicked, illegal things to accomplish His purposes. i feel a head of steam growing to start casting lots every week on whether or not to block the WAPP entrance and the first yes free me to go to prison and never come back so as to in some infintesimal way suffer with the millions who have been ripped apart. help me oh my God...
coming home from WAPP i could feel it coming on and sure enough i took a dive into recreational living defined as eating a gallon of ice cream and reading the final book of the lord of the rings trilogy. this time thru i noticed much more clearly tolkien's use of many words in an older etymological sense, more toward middle english. one word he used again and again was the word 'fell' (for example, they were in a fell mood) to the point i had to consult webster who rendered it along the lines of 'violent'. men truly have a warlike core, a part of God's nature.
one thing though...the rereading of this, highly anticipated, fell far short of expectation. upon reflection, the only consistent revivifing, life-giving word is the Bible. i have been sensing, and resisting a possible impulse to focus solely on the Bible.
today came across 'dissipation' meaning to scatter, disperse, waste, consume, squander in luke 22.34 and among a number of other 'words' this morning i was spoken to. it reads 'and take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting (dissipation..i'm in the library using their king james version) and drunkenness and cares of this life and so that day come upon you unawares'. so, in terms of being ready to meet Christ face to face, there are three things i need to do: 1. make every penny, every thot, every word, every action, every moment count instead of dissipating my one chance to do things that will reflect Your glory for all eternity. 2. live on what i absolutely need rather than be a slave to what i want. 3. commit everything to the Lord and receive everything as from Him no matter how horrible it may seem in the here and now.
in john 5.14 Jesus said to the man He healed at the pool of bethesda, 'do not sin anymore'. it just struck me how much this is in agreement with my attitude toward the sins of others and how different it is when it comes to my attitude toward my own sins.
in john 5.41 Jesus said 'I do not receive glory from men'. amazing. much of my trouble comes from seeking the good opinion of men, seeking to be liked by other people. how much faster i would be running the race if i was not encumbered with this heavy load...having only one Person to please and focusing all on Him and His smile alone.
in john 6.16 i came to the account paralleled in mark 6.45 'and straightway He (Jesus) constrained (made) His disciples to get into the ship..and He KNEW they would be encountering a frightful storm! the Lord's prayer says, Lord, 'lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil' (matt. 6.13) and yet matt. 4.1 says 'then Jesus was LED up OF THE HOLY SPIRIT into the wilderness TO BE TEMPTED of the devil'. everything that could be a temptation, and i'm passing through a big ongoing one this week, is given by God as a test to help my faith and obedience to become stronger. He wants me to pass this test, to be approved whereas of course the devil want me to fail, take the bait and sink under his accusation and harassment and bedevilment of various sorts...but we are not ignorant of his methods, praise God. thank You Lord for temptation/tests leading to You and to the power Jesus had after extinguishing the devil in the wilderness with Your Word
finally in john 8.11 the POWER and BEAUTY of Jesus' words to the woman TAKEN IN THE ACT of adultery and made a public spectacle when all the self-righteous sinner-accusers had melted away. NEITHER DO I CONDEMN YOU...FROM NOW ON SIN NO MORE. Oh Lord my God when i in awesome wonder consider You, words utterly fail. thank You for Your holiness that will not excuse my sin and act like 'its ok'. thank You for You love that says to me as i confess, 'i've paid the price, it's ok... hope you have a good week. love, dad
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment