went to new life community church on green st. today. a missionary, paul klawitter, from dijon,france spoke. he asked who was the greatest apostle. paul, peter, john were named. he pointed out that Jesus is called an apostle in hebrews 3.1. he talked about peter's message where he said that Jesus 'went about doing God' in acts10.38. he also talked a bit about the way Jesus spoke...not connecting all the dots but speaking in such a way that questions were created in the hearers' minds. he said this was the model that they were seeking to follow to share the gospel. he talked of a group who went to the city and asked how they could help the city and that the result had been that they have had opportunity to witness for Christ in this way.
this week i have been sleep-walking spiritually. not totally sure what is going on. i think of much that i have read (and experienced) in the spiritual man by watchman nee. he keeps talking about 'the work of the cross' in a believer's life. when i want something and that desire is denied, that may be the work of the cross. when i want something and i deny that, that may be the work of the cross. even when i want something that is totally legitimate in the realm of normal, God-created desires and i deny myself that, that may be the work of the cross. nee says that often we think we are following God when we are really following our own pleasure. i think most of what i experienced at leidy church was of that nature...kind of pre-kindergarten spirituality. but when God calls one to do something they have not the least bit of interest in doing what happens? with me, in most cases i totally avoided doing things of this nature or i did them haltingly and with great inner struggle and soon 'ran out of gas' and quit. the reason was that I was not getting anything out of it. God needs i's not I's. He wants us to do x for Him and not for ourselves. i can look like a million bucks, i can wow people with my personality, the natural giftedness God has given me in different areas and be totally unspiritual in God's sight even when i am doing good things in good ways for myself and not for God...and God cannot bless such.
when God took on flesh He (Christ) never did what He wanted but only what God the Father wanted in such a way that God the father was looked favorably upon. much, if not all of my life, is a conscious or unconscious desire to be looked upon as i want to be looked upon by those i want to impress. often in the Gospels Jesus did amazing things (ie. raise the dead) but it is always recorded that men glorified God that such things could be done by men! think of the time when the man called Jesus good and Jesus (who was the only good human being who will ever exist) immediately said 'why do you call me good? no one is good but God alone".
God seems to be taking me through a desert way where He wants to train me to only do what He wants, do it whether i feel like it or not, do it in such a way that somehow people experience God not Me. as i trudge wearily through the hot dust He keeps leading me back to the A of His abc's for me -the 7 daily habits He wants me to do. i just cannot (read that WILL NOT) do them in a consistent habitual way. i have struggled mightily to (read that WILL NOT) do them and have fallen way behind. the quiet, gentle message that comes to me through my misery is, 'steve, he who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much...and without faith it is impossible to please God...' He is cutting away 'outs' i take to avoid obeying Him like TV and cd player. in spirit i know this is good and rejoice but my flesh screams out against its privation.
the same with people. nee says, after a fashion, take no thought of how you are received by people. accept how you are received or not received as God's appointment and care nothing for it and just focus on doing what He would do. i am not following that advice at all right now. cut off from all my friendly acquaintances at leidy church God seems to be using this period as an apt opportunity to test me. do i really care at all about other people or do i 'care' for them so that, or only as, they care for me? i'm thinking that i relate much on the basis of the latter motivation. Jesus was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. am i better than He? but in this crucible as God is trying to bring this part of my flesh to an end so that i may be like Jesus, it hurts. the cross definitely has an opportunity to work here. the question..will i deny myself, pick it up daily and love those who don't love me. i think it's best described as indifferent love. love that loves no matter how it is treated...doesn't really care how its treated...just is focused on doing good for the so and so. so i guess i have a good bit more heat to endure as He seeks to make this change.
am a bit disconsolate in the aftermath of reading c.t. studd last week. God used him in a mighty way. i want to be used by God in a mighty way or is it rather that i want to use God in a mighty way so that i can appear to be used by God in a mighty way...i'm not sure which it is. studd recounts the turning point in his life..'that very day i met with the book, the christian's secret of a happy life. in it was stated that this blessing is exactly what God gives to everyone who is ready and willing to receive it. i found that the reason why i had not received it was just this, that i had not made room for it and i found, as i sat there alone thinking, that i had been keeping back from God what belonged to Him. i found that i had been bought with the price of the precious blood of the Lord Jesus, and that i had kept back myself from Him and had not wholly yielded. as soon as i found this out, i went down on my knees and gave myself up to God in the words of (the) hymn..take my life and let it be, consecrated, Lord, to me. i found tha next step was to have simple, childlike faith, to believe that what i had committed to God, He was also willing to take and keep. i knew i had committed my soul to His keeping and He was able to keep that; how much more then was He able to keep me and what belonged to me in this world? i realized that my life was to be one of simple, childlike faith, and that my part was to trusst, not to do. i was to trust in Him and He would work in me to do His good pleasure. from that time my life has been different and He has given me that peasce that passeth understanding and that joy which is unspeakable.' why i don't just go and do likewise i don't fully know? i keep vainly hanging onto the ultimate control over my life, which is an allusion anyway, unwilling to trust all to God. oh God help me commit myself totally to Your keeping.
hope you have a good week. love, dad
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