well i survived the pushing and just barely got everything done friday evening, came home and collapsed. not sure why. am continuing to sense alot of spiritual static, lowgrade opposition (sometimes upgraded to intense - which i experienced much of thursday) and a growing sense of how tinny i really am.
...oh another interesting thing happened this week. had broken the cd player so bought another bottom of the line model at walmart. noticed it was a bit smaller box than normal. got it home, out and playing and this very inferior sound came out. shut it off and decided to return it and look in care and share for one. had a growing sense that this was not good. finally cast a lot on the question 'should i get another cd player'? NO. that was a kind of blow. i don't know whether that means no more music but i assume that's what it means at least for the present. as is a growing inner phenomenon, in the flesh i'm not too happy but in the spirit i'm ok with it...kind of numb in a way. it is awesome to me how God deals with me...it's kind of like He is slowly strangling my self-will...that's the closest i can come to describing what is going on. He has been giving me a growing intense desire to study and memorize His word while at the same time i am experiencing a movement away from that...again words cannot come near describing the paradoxes. He seems to be showing me a video of myself which is helping me see that i am TOTALLY BANKRUPT.
this all seemed to set the stage for my collapse saturday. i had intended to put 8 hours in starting to paint the exterior of another house in souderton..(that brings to mind another miracle of God's provision this year. last year i traveled 3800 miles to earn just over 40k. this year i may actually be able to work an average of 20 hr a week and so far i have only traveled a little over 400 miles and am now averaging over 15 hour per week.)..but when saturday awakened i knew i would not be doing anything. spent saturday into sunday morning doing two things: i viewed 6 ray comfort videos on evangelism and read a book on c.t. studd by norman grubb. for the second week in a row i sensed i should be 'filling the tank' instead of searching for a church. pat, a good sister, when leaving leidy church had suggested that the Lord might have this time to equip me for what is coming and that i might find that He sequestered me off from the main stream of things for a time. at first i thot i needed to find a church family first, but have been experiencing a total desert experience in that area..and then the last two weeks casting lots has indicated no church. i'm beginning to sense that pat had a prophetic word for i am having alot come to me. i don't know what it all means but i sense it may be preparation for something to come.
the book on studd sitting within 3 feet of where i sleep for the last 22 years never called to me before. while waiting for a comfort video to rewind i reached over, picked it up, blew the dust off and didn't put it down until i had read it whole. i share below snippits most of which are direct quotes from the book.
are you willing to do anything for Jesus? this question asked by c.t.studd (from now on ct)'s wife to be fingered me good for i know there are still things i am not willing to do for Jesus. unless God changes my heart i will remain where i am. if He brings me to 'yes' anything is possible.
below are ct's love letters to priscilla stewart from ireland who he had recently met (she now in a distant city) in china...both missionaries in the china inland mission. 'but here i do say that after 8 days spent alone in prayer and fasting, i do believe thae Lord has shown me that your determination is wrong and will not stand and that you yourself will see this presently if the Lord has not shown you already..day after day passes and i only get more and more convinced about it and i cannot doubt it is of the Lord for you know somewhat of how i have spent the time since receiving your letter everything else has been laid aside, occupatio, sleep and food and i have sought His face and to know His will, and He has led me straight forward and day by day He speaks to me and gives me encouragement and emboldens me to ask definitely for you'. remarkable love-letters they are too, full of the consuming passion of his life, fuller by a long way of messages from the Bible and plans for spending their lives for Christ, than of her. she being a sensible woman, bound him over to burn hers, so only one has survived. two of his, written when he was recovering from a serious illness, run into 68 and 69 pages respectively of tiny writing! ..'it will be no easy life, no life of ease which i could offeryou, but one of toil and hardship; in fact, if i did not know you to be a woman of God, i would not dream of asking you. it is to be a fellowsoldier (they were contemporaries of general william booth who founded the salvation army and strongly agreed with him)
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