3.31.2016 TRUMPING TRUMP?

below, except where noted, material taken from BOLD LOVE by dan allender and tremper longmanIII, chapter 10, 'loving an evil person: siege warfare'
as i read this recently all i could think of was poor, dear, lonely Donald Trump, republican candidate for president of the United States....i do not look down on him, knowing the tremendous wickedness of my own heart...and i do not 'wish' this label on him or consider him irredeemable (if this were true then I too would be irredeemable in the sight of a holy God...its just..that as i read..all i could think of was him. i'm not afraid of him nor of him becoming president. i would, however, see the latter as a possible sign that God would be planning to use him, among many other things, to hasten the annihilation of my home country..and my family and myself...unless by chance Donald Trump would be the means in God's hands to wake those who call themselves (including me) His people to repent and turn from our wicked ways and our home country, thus, be spared. (II chron. 7.14) Oh WHATEVER IT TAKES dear Lord awaken me (us) out of my (our) wickedness....and bring donald trump and every person to find rest in You alone. i do not set myself up as a judge.. but only a deep concern for all us sinners (eccl. 7) for 'it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God'. (hebrews 10.31)



chapter 10 LOVING AN EVIL PERSON : sige warfare


where possible i hope to present allender's characteristics of an evil person with *

229 the world is made up of many different kinds of people. this is an obvious and intuitive observation that is often obscured by the complexity of human behavior. there are massive differences between people, but there are often enough commonalities to allow for categorization. the next three chapters will deal with the question of what it means to boldly love those who are evil, foolish, and 'normally' sinful. the premise is that different kinds of 'good gifts' are required to impact different kinds of people with truth and life. there are dangers involved in any labeling of persons ,  but there is some legitimacy for dividing humanity into these three categories.
people can be categorized according to almost any organizing theme. for example, a person can be put in a group by demographics -
-nationality,
-race
-socioeconomic status
-educational level
-profession
or by psychological structures -
-temperaments
personality disorders
psychiatric classifications (depression,  anxiety)
-addictions (eating disorder, alcoholism, sex addiction)

there are probably as many schemes for organizing people in groups as there are groups.
230  the schemes are often highly illuminating and profitable in helping us group, assess and predict human behavior...
demographics are usually highly interesting, but in most cases, they do not lead to a deep understanding about what makes a person tick..
but psychological information usually misses another dimension that is crucial in the process of categorization  and that is what a person does with God - with truth, beauty and justice.
the categories used in proverbs - mockers (evil), fool and simpleton (normal sinner; prov. 1.22) (note: are the focus in this book)
..we need to be aware, however, of the dangers in the use of any label when attempting to account for the unique, mysterious human soul..
232  a significant danger in any scheme of categorization is creating a definition that is too clear. a well-defined definition asserts too much clarity over the enormous complexity of life...
a second danger involves rigid definitions. a rigid definition implies that i am what i am and will always be that in the future. but the heart and soul of a person are not eternally enslaved to a particular direction or to certain symptoms. change can occur to a point where it can be said of the thief, the gossip or the adulterer, 'that is what some of you were' (I corinthians  6.11)...

233  there are people in this world who seem to live and breathe evil. in every generation, masters of evil (hitler, stalin, amin, pol pot) seem to serve as caricatures of the demonic. there are others, less known, who are involved in ritualistic abuse - the sadistic physical, emotional and sexual abuse of children. few would dispute, even without definition, the accuracy of calling these people evil. indeed, they are evil.  there are many people, however, who do not perpetrate societal or individual barbarity to this demonic extent but who are more than simply arrogant, hard and hurtful. all of us are capable of doing evil things, but evil people are driven by a self interest that is so heartless, conscious and cruel that it delights in stealing from others the lifeblood of their soul.
often the one who delights in evil is an ordinary, unassuming person who hides behind a facade of normalcy. few people who are evil ever appear evil, even after the evidence of their deceit, destructiveness and hardness is exposed...this is true, even more so, when the behavior is not societally condemned, but may nevertheless emanate from an evil heart. the father who craftily and pervasively undermines his children at every point of decision, criticizing their reasoning or their motives, superintending every one of their relationships with solicitousness and overprotection, may appear to outsiders to be a
234  committed  and sacrificial parent, but in fact may be a jealous, obsessive accuser who devours their hearts.
one problem in defining evil and even seeing evil in others, is that it is so common. we all  behave in evil ways at times. Jesus says, 'you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children' (matt. 7.11) He implies we are all capable of evil and commit evil in our most intimate of relationships, yet we are still able to do good. if my heart and hands are looked at from the perspective of any one event, it may be very possible to say that i have done evil. but i would argue that my life, looked at over time and in various situations, would produce evidence that would warrant a different classification for my heart. I  am capable of being an evildoer, as anyone is and actually at times do evil things, but i am not an evil person. a person's heart can be diagnosed as evil only after he is observed in repeated interactions where the patterns of harm are committed without sorrow or openness to feedback.

WHAT IS EVIL?

Evil is present when there is a profound absence of empathy, shame and goodness.
EMPATHY involves a connectedness to the heart of another and a respect for their personal boundaries.
an evil person is *unmoved by the inner world of the other and has no respect for boundaries.
SHAME involves an ability to be exposed and disturbed about actual or perceived violations of relationships.
an evil person is *unaffected by exposure, so is consequently shameless.
finally, GOODNESS involves a desire to see someone or something grow in strength, freedom and beauty.
an evil person seems to *delight in stripping away purpose,  individuality and vitality.

A. EVIL IS COLD
*evil is (for the most part) unfeeling.
it *lacks sorrow when someone suffers and joy when there is happiness.
but an evil person is more than emotionally detached;
he *will not allow himself to enter the heart of his victim as a person.
*the victim
235  is an object-an entity to be controlled or destroyed-
and not a living, breathing being who feels hurt, fear, sorrow and shame.
in that regard, evil *sees the other as nothing more than a service to itself.
most of us will use a paper cup and, when finished, discard it without feeling or concern.
as long as the cup is useful, it is used, but when its use is finished, there is no reason to keep it or honor it as valuable.
similarly, an evil person *feels nothing toward those who are used to satisfy his craving for unlimited power and control.
....evil *may exhibit normal emotion at appropriate points.
in many cases, evil is able to offer sorrow at a funeral or joy at a wedding, but the feelings are not connected to those who are suffering or rejoicing. they are a facade that hides a coldness of heart.

B. EVIL IS HARD
237  evil *is devoid of conscience.
it *lacks moral boundaries;
*'right' is whatever it desires
a seared conscience does not respond with mercy to a cry for help, nor is it stopped by the threat of shame.
evil has *an energy that continues to move without restrain or rest.
in one sense, it seems boundless, consuming and all powerful.
*its power lies in its coldness and hardness - the fact that it is neither caught up in human suffering nor bound by a dread of shame.
therefore it *does not succumb to the normal give and take of loneliness and fear of rejection.
most of us don't want to be isolated; loneliness draws us into the will of the group.
evil , on the other hand, *allows no feelings of true loneliness,
so it is *free to violate the values of the group.
similarly, the fear of rejection may repel us from offending the powerful in a group so we won't become the object of contempt.
evil *rarely feels shame, so it is free to do as it pleases.
it is no wonder evil is a powerful option in a fallen world;
it gives a person almost absolute freedom from pain and almost total control over others.

which involves three things:
1. SHAME.  shamelessness thrives on the *ability to avoid exposure. the experience of shame always involves an exposure of one's inner world by another and is usually a potent deterrent to proceeding in a shameless direction.
shame involves the gut-wrenching threat of being seen and cast away from relationships.
238  but a person can avoid the experience of shame if he can *put out the eyes that see inside him.
when his accuser is blind, he can escape the gaze that penetrates his soul.
for that reason, evil almost always *works to shame the other.
shame works to blind the eyes that expose.
evil uses *arrogance and mockery to escape being shamed.
the ability to cover loneliness and fear of rejection without reliance on the mercy of God is predicated on a *hardening of the soul through arrogance
and a *blinding of the eyes through mockery (proverbs 21.24).
mockery may take obvious forms, such as *biting sarcasm  and *vicious cynicism,
or it can be much more subtle...
one awful, abusive event does not make a person evil, but when it represents a 
*repetitive pattern of excessive disregard for others (mockery)
and *a wanton, vicious refusal to look at the damage done (arrogance,
then one can ascertain a significant inclination to evil.

2. ARROGANCE.  an arrogant hear *assumes the prerogatives of God
it *claims one's own status, gifts, power, health and/or finances
emanate from oneself - and from nowhere else.
it is more than elf-sufficiency;
it is *the boastful claim that one's life is a byproduct of
a personal fiat to be powerful and successful.
an arrogant person, at core, *hates God (psalm 74.10)
he *sees God as an affront to his claim of dominion.
does this mean that an evil person will be an atheist or obvious God-hater?
no, evil
239  can parade as an angel of light committed to observing certain religious tendencies, ,
but *despising the saw of love with a cold, unbridled contempt.
arrogance *swaggers to its own inner rhythm.
it *sings its own boastful songs of conquering potency.
the *bravado of arrogance is, at times, enormously attractive.
it *walks into potentially dangerous and shameful situations and
*calmly and powerfully exerts control.
there is a sense of confidence, a savoir faire, a *leaders energy that
*allows others to abdicate choice and relax in the swagger of their boldness.
arrogance *creates a mood of 'follow me or get lost'.
and who wants to be lost in a world such as ours?
consequently, arrogant men and women *rule the world and
*offer the illusion of rest (from choice ) for the weary
                              of hope (for protection) from the frightened.
an arrogant heart is *hardened to its own sin and
                            *blinds the hearts of those it controls.
the more evil a person is, the greater the degree of arrogant hardness ruling his heart.
in turn, the greater the hardness, the more likely the *control of others
will be achieved through vicious contempt.

3. MOCKERY
contemptuous mockery is the *language of accusation.
it is the bony finger that *uses shame to cut through our defense
to the fragile, lonely parts of our heart.
few experiences are as difficult to endure as being the object of someone's *cackling contempt.
for that reason, we will often do anything in the world to avoid the *fiery eyes of mockery,
including a denial or at least a hiding of our deepest convictions and beliefs.
mockery is the *weapon that evil uses powerfully to strip its victim of a sense of self and life.
the *withering look of mockery shames the heart and seems to compel it to flee to higher ground
in order to avoid the impending flood.
240  mockery can come in the form of an *outburst of invective that accuses the other of failure or
in the *slightest turn of the mouth, takes the form of a sly, knowing smile
that accuses the other of stupidity.
mockery is *any heartless accusation that lacks tenderness and a desire for reconciliation.
evil uses its *ability to and destroy to terrify those under its control.

C. EVIL IS DESTRUCTIVE

evil is * bad.
that is, it is *persistently destructive.
but it is also *deceitfully subtle.
consequently, evil *rarely shows itself as bad.
in fact, it often *portrays itself as helpful, open kind, generous, long-suffering.
*an inclination to evil taints all activity,
even *gifts of kindness that appear genuine.
such kindness or generosity *seems to entangle the victim deeper in the evil person's web.
if one is in a relationship with an evil person for long, the *signs of death will begin to show
-anemia (a loss of self, vitality and strength,
despair (a loss of desire and hope),and
disorientation (a loss of direction and purpose)
...a fool might withhold involvement unless U conform 2 his will and might intimidate or manipulate to gain advantage. his goal is to get you to conform and once that end is achieved, he is at peace.
an evil person, on the other hand, wants conformity and much more.
he *wants unearned devotion that borders on worship
- a form of sacrifice that requires the loss of one's will, mind and soul.
he *displays a craving to suck the other's soul dry until every drop of life has been drawn for his own benefit.
evil *steals faith hope and love.
faith involves trusting in what is unseen and unknown
241  and is required in almost every moment of our existence.
for example, i put my faith in faceless, unknown drivers who are coming toward me on the road.
i trust they are not drunk.
faith in a person is trust in her character -a confidence that if i am hurt by her, the damage will eventually be resolved because her heart, ultimately, wants to be good.
an evil person *uses the access of trust to obliterate any desire to trust others and even 2 trust in 1self.
consequently, the effect of evil is
to *remove from its victim any discernment or sense of caution in relating 2 evil +, at the same time,
to *create a hyper vigilant fear of anyone good.
evil *betrays trust and *makes faith look ridiculously foolish.
evil *misuses power and *then claims innocence.
if that is questioned,
then evil *uses shame or mockery to  bludgeon the victim into accepting the blame.
in most cases, it seems easier to be at fault than to bear an evil person's scorn.

STRIPPING HOPE

evil also *strips people of their hope.
evil not only *betrays,
but also *attempts to entrap the innocent in bondage.
*bondage is a form of slavery that dulls the senses and steals from the soul a vision of what could be.
almost all dictatorships, be they political or ecclesiastical, attempt to *limit access to freedom.
*restricted freedom of speech, thought or soul
evokes a disappointment in what is and a huger for what is not.
hope unsettles the soul in the present and urges it to imagine what might be.
evil *kills hope by deadening the soul through bondage and terror.
evil *works to supplant hope through destroying perspective.
hope is visionary and motivating,
even when the anticipation is no more profound that the reward of a break once a task is finished.
hope or anticipation draws us out of the moment to see what is ahead, while paradoxically energizing
242  the moment in order to press on to what lies beyond.
a loss of hope, in the moment or in what lies beyond
is a death knell for productive, vital choice.
evil *wants control and absolute power over choice;
therefore it *must numb hope.
a person's hope is deadened when nothing she does is good enough or when all her choices, no matter what they are, are used to punish her. we all fear (to some degree) being cast out of another garden - be it a tightly knit family or an authoritarian church - yet to defy evil results in sure banishment. an evil person *addresses any difference of opinion with fury, cruelty and hatred,
using terror to drive home the idiocy of ever wanting or working for change. terror snuffs out the longing for a better day, or more specifically, makes the hope of heaven seem too painful to desire.  terror propels flight to the safety of conformity and compels one to leave behind the heavy baggage of hope. once hope is under bondage, one is left shackled to a passionless present where energy to live and grow is lost to the more primitive goal of survival. it seems easier to live a lifeless, futureless, choiceless present in conformity to evil than  to risk the ruthless scrutiny of evil by stepping outside its will.
once evil violates trust through horrendous betrayal, intimacy with others seems too dangerous to enjoy. all connection, pleasure and joy is lost in an unbridgeable chasm. evil hate love, even more than it does faith and hope. evil delights in fanning the flames of hatred, as long as the passion of hatred does not also cling to what is good. when a victim is full of a frenzied and vulgar desire for vengeance, an evil person can easily continue his deadly dance. but a hatred that despises evil and clings to truth and beauty infuriates evil and draws forth its most compelling assaults of shame (romans 12.9).  evil wants love to be a pointless, insane spitting against the wind.

love seems so puny and inconsequential in the face of the enormity of evil. most mornings after reading the paper, where the forces of evil publicize yesterday's victories, i want to quit.  it seems so foolish to stumble into a world inflamed by hatred to offer a pitiful cup of love, so flawed and incomplete. evil shames the desire to love by making love seem so small
243  and powerless. once love is squashed by the enormity of evil, the heart loses purpose and passion. even more, love, a shining guide to the character of God , is darkened and our desire to be like God is shamed.
though evil is cold, hard and destructive, no person is so evil, or do beyond the grace of God, that His light is unable to penetrate. our task is to know what lurks inside the heart of the evil person so we can excavate a pathway toward the part of his heart that is made in the image of God and consequently, still hungers for love and meaning. in every person, no matter how reprobate, there is some remnant of desire for beauty and justice. if we know what to expect from evil, then we will be better disposed to fight it with the weapons of god in order to claim the evil heart for the God who can redeem even the most despicable of souls.  

(note there are several good gifts that can be given to a person (malfunctioning as EVIL.)

1. THE GIFT OF DEFEAT

an enormously good gift to give someone evil is to foil their *effort to win.
Evil *is used to winning.
it *uses conscienceless seduction and shameless mockery to win ground and frighten others away from taking it back.
*if evil consistently wins, it *will see more evil as the only strategy for keeping its victory spoils and gaining new rewards.
one of the greatest gifts one can give a person inclined to evil is the strength to frustrate their attempts to dominate.
such strength must be full of cunning and precision. evil can never be overthrown through rational, reasonable argumentation.
it *may dialogue and debate, but *its direction is already determined.
evil *will never stop long enough to consider its destructiveness unless it is held accountable,
under strong, clear and unwavering consequences of righteousness.

what is required for righteous consequences to be established?
A. A WILLINGNESS TO ENDURE LOSS.
 evil *instinctively knows what you are unwilling to love and will tempt you with the possibility of loss and heartbreak. when one man spoke to his apparently evil father about
244  their relationship, his father said, 'son, I don't think I can bear this conversation and still believe you love me. I am in the midst of changing my will and i want to know you really do support me'. the message was clear; 'If you disturb me, then you can't love me. and if you don't love me, then you can count on getting nothing from my estate'.
evil *has a keen smell for false gods.
it *will sense what our heart truly loves and worships and *threaten the weakest, most ungodly chinks in our armor in order to keep love mute.
evil will not be conquered as long as our hearts live 2 obtain immediate relief or escape profound loss. ONLY WHEN WE HAVE LITTLE OR NOTHING TO LOSE WILL WE BE WILLING TO LOVE.

B. A WILLINGNESS TO FACE SHAME AND HATRED.
evil also *instinctively knows where you can be shamed.
whatever will provoke shame will be used to stifle your voice
and compel you to back down from serving good gifts.
(i don't believe that in this life we can be entirely free from the effects of shame.
to be shameless is, most likely, to be arrogant, narcissistic and inclined to evil. (philippians 3.18-9)
but it is possible to be face to face with the most shaming accusations of the Evil One
and find the lord's mercy sufficient to withstand the brutal assault of contempt.
His mercy will not only enable us to survive the attack,
but also to declare and offer freedom from condemnation to any who choose to trust in the blood of Christ. romans 8.1)
but when shame continues to hold a vise-like grip on our heart's movement toward freedom and love,
we cannot face evil.
we will be too afraid to be hated and alone.
evil *recognizes  a heart that fears hatred.
hatred intensifies our dread of being an alien and a stranger,
cast out from a home that may be evil, but at least is ours.
245  most people would rather accept evil as the daily menu
than be pronounced an orphan and barred from reentering the parental (note-societal?) garden.
evil *will push us to see if we will bear loss, shame and hatred.
if we are not prepared for the attack, we will wilt under the seduction and mockery of evil.

the preparation we must undergo is training in righteousness,
where our senses are aligned with truth
and our hearts have been strengthened by discipline. (hebrews 12.1-12)
Good promises in due season we will yield a harvest of righteous fruit
if we enter and pursue His purposes in the midst of pain.
if our heart desires to know Him in the midst of suffering, growth will be our reward. (I peter 4.1-2)

C. A WILLINGNESS TO SET AND ENFORCE CLEAR PARAMETERS

evil*must be caught in the act.
discussing evil with an evil person is rarely useful.
it's like giving a gun to an imbalanced and impulsive husband
after he has had a vicious fight with his wife;
it just gives him more opportunity to turn his hatred against you.

in order to stop evil in its tracks,
PARAMETERS MUST BE SET IN THE MOMENT OF TRANSGRESSION.
a parameter (or boundary) is any line in human relations that honors separateness and respects individual dignity.
for example, in our home a closed bedroom door should not be opened without knocking and asking for an invitation to enter.
in the same way, THE INNER THOUGHTS OF A PERSON SHOULD NOT BE INFRINGED UPON WITHOUT INVITATION.
honoring parameters is a reflection of righteousness or right living in relationships.

we learn to honor parameters when we experience the consequences of violating them.
a consequence is a warning and/or a small dose of pain that alerts others to a violation of love.
the consequence, like discipline, is therefore a merciful gift of discomfort, pain or loss that invites the offender to deal with his harm. a consequence might be no more severe than telling someone, 'i am troubled by your remark. please explain what you mean', or so severe it might involve legal prosecution when the violation of boundaries involves a criminal offense.
246
one woman, whose husband often verbally attacked her with vicious and cruel contempt, told him, 'if you choose to continue this tirade, i will tape it and give a copy to your elder board to allow them to see what kind of man you are outside of the pulpit'. the parameter was clear: don't verbally abuse me. the consequence was equally clear; if you do, then it will be brought to the attention of our church.

some may protest, 'but the church will not listen! or 'i don't have a church that will take action,  or 'my husband won't be affected by the consequence of being brought before church discipline.
i agree that effective consequences are not easy, at times,  to determine, but they always exist. and they will eventually be received as the wounds of a friend by one who desires to do good or attacked ruthlessly as a betrayal of a relationship by those whose hearts refuse to be humbled and broken.

evil is fairly predictable in its efforts to intimidate through manipulation and shame.
therefore, INVOLVEMENT WITH AN EVIL PERSON OUGHT TO INVOLVE SURPRISE AND UNPREDICTABILITY.

there should be INCREDIBLE STRENGTH ON THE ONE HAND AND WARMTH AND KINDNESS ON THE OTHER.

WHENEVER A VIOLATION OF THE CLEAR PARAMETERS OCCURS,
CONSEQUENCES MUST FOLLOW - but without resorting to cold, detached hatred.

CONSEQUENCES SHOULD BE OFFERED WITH A BENEVOLENT MATTER-OF -FACT DEMEANOR THAT FURTHER OFFERS THE OPPORTUNITY TO DEAL WITH THE EVIL,
if that be the offender's desire.

WE NEED TO CATCH EVIL IN THE ACT AND SMILE, CALMLY AND CONFIDENTLY STATING WHAT WE ARE WILLING AND UNWILLING TO ENDURE -
then watch hell rise out of the fury and explode.
when we are prepared for the assault, we can CALMLY AND CONFIDENTLY (even if we're shaking inside) RESTATE  THE PARAMETERS OF ACCEPTABLE HUMAN RESPONSE

AND THEN WARN the evil person WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE IF THERE IS A FURTHER VIOLATION OF THOSE PARAMETERS. inform the evil person that you will walk out of her office or hand up the phone or call the police,
THEN DO SO
WITH DELIBERATION,
WITHOUT APOLOGY and
WITH AN ABSENCE OF RANCOR OR VINDICTIVENESS.
our biggest problem is seldom in finding reasonable and biblical consequences, but in the risk of setting parameters
247  our refusal to accept potential abandonment blocks most of us from setting limits and establishing consequences. but when we find the courage to do so, we will find love to be a powerful weapon against the forces of darkness. we will then be prepared to offer

2. THE GIFT OF AN OPPORTUNITY TO REPENT

after parameters have been set and consequences enforced with strength and kindness, unflinching in the face of loss, shame and hatred, then it is not uncommon for there to be
*slight change in the evil person.
he can be expected to *be moderately contrite or at least *nicer the next time you interact with him.
but don't be fooled.
it can be easy to be lulled into thinking, Great! this stuff works!
but his *change is probably only a regrouping, not repentance.
evil *uses false contrition  to lull its victim to sleep so that it can *regroup and try a different tactic.
it is best to USE THIS LULL TO FURTHER ENRAGE EVIL so it will know the battle is not over until righteousness reigns.
the OFFER OF TH OPPORTUNITY TO CONSIDER THE HARM that is DONE,
IF DELIVERED WITH PASSION AND WISDOM,
*unnerves and intensifies coldness, hardness and destructiveness.
an intensification of evil draws it to the surface,  to the clearing, rather than allowing it to fight under the camouflage of the forest.
ONCE evil *exerts its threats about loss, *intensifies its shame and *bears down with hatred
THEN GOODNESS CAN SHINE WITH SEARING LIGHT AND PENETRATE THE HEART
if there is any desire in it at all for life.
evil *is enraged when it is treated with strength and mercy.
a good example is an interaction between a daughter, jane , and her evil father after a terrible fight ensued over her decision not to come home for vacation.  for years, she had been put in the position of being a pawn who was attacked by both her mother and father when they were angry at each other. each parent viewed her as the other's favorite. therefore, she was assailed for any perceived loyalty toward the other. she was
248  in the constant bind of being a target for both, no matter what she did. here is one boldly loving conversation.
DAD hi, honey, i'm calling to see when you will be arriving.
JANE (chuckling out loud) well, dad, i can at least say it won't be in this calendar year
DAD what?! you know your mom is counting on you helping with the big fourth of july party. she won't be able to do it without your help!
JANE oh, that's too bad, dad.  you know, a lot of catering firms do holiday spreads and i bet there are some in your area.
DAD don't get cute with me. you know your mother wants you here, not a catering firm. now let's get serious. you will be coming home.
JANE dad, do you recall the conversation a few nights ago when you yelled and called me some terrible names? well, i told you then i would no longer allow you to sin against me or yourself by enduring your use of rage and shame. before you get too much more intense, let me make it clear again; i will not stay on the phone if that is your manner of relating to me. dad, are you willing to think with me about the way you deal with me and, frankly, almost everyone else in our family?
DAD well, fine! i'll tell your mother about your decision. and let me tell you i have no interest in being lectured by a kid who has no more sense than...
JANE dad, i will look forward to the day you do desire to interact, so i'll be talking with you soon. bye dad.

the phone call was a major first for jane. she had never before been able to stand firm with grace and dignity. after the call, she shook like a leaf for hours. she told me, 'i felt like i was giving birth to evil incarnate one minute and to a totally new and wonderful life the next. i don't know if i ever

249  felt so crazy'. her response is not surprising. the breaking of any bondage thrusts the freed prisoner into a frightening new world that, at first, seems alien and awful. jane struggled with bouts of terrible guilt and fear, but in time, she continued to offer both her parents the opportunity to address realities about their lives that had never been exposed before.
once parameters are established and consequences are clear, then it is a bittersweet joy to pray, meditate and ponder on how to use words and deeds to offer the enemy forgiveness.  i am amazed how many evil persons, far from consciousness, desire what no one has had the courage to offer them -a taste of strength surrounded with mercy.

the issues of repentance
an offer to repent eventually will address, over time, the issues of
1. the violation of relationship and details regarding the damage done
2. a perspective on forgiveness and hope
3. a statement of the parameters of love and consequences of violation
4. a picture of what would need to occur in behavior and hear before the relationship can be reconciled
5. a negotiated agreement about what will occur now to begin the process of chance.
let me illustrate from the story of jane.
her father was emotionally abusive - calling her names and attacking almost every aspect of her character. her mother was equally abusive, as she withdrew involvement to a point where she'd pretend her daughter did not exist.  if J asked for the salt during a meal, her mother would act as if she did not hear. J once shook her mother in fury and her mother in fury and her mother looked straight through her and then walked away.
at separate times, she talked with her father and mother about the chronic violations of their relationship.  she provided each parent with specific situations where the details of their response were beyond comprehension (issue !) several times in each encounter, vociferous accusations were made against her and explanations were offered to justify their behavior. she neither succumbed to the virulent attack nor to the cold silence. she used the data of their attacks as new evidence to illustrate their commitment to intimidate and destroy.

she told them what it was like to be humiliated and abandoned. she explained how she had mishandled them, others, and God in the midst of her sin. this opened the door for sharing with her parents the good news of the gospel. she spoke about her own sin with a stunning passion and pointed to Christ's work on the cross as one's only hope in face of the terrifying judgment that lies ahead. she told me later that for a brief, fleeting moment, she understood how the harsh words of stephen, 'you stiff-necked people, with uncircumcised hearts and ears!  you are just like your fathers' (acts 7.51), no longer seemed inconsistent with his final words, 'Lord, do not hold this sin against them' (v60).  the rebuke was not a punishment, but a door of hope to enter into repentant, forgive life (issue 2)

she shared with them what it meant for her to love them. she reiterated that her commitment to them would no longer allow her to be a go-between or a punching bag. she was detailed and specific about loving parameters and the consequences that would occur if the violations continued. she restated again her desire to see their relationship reconciled on the basis of forgiveness and respect (issue 3)

she made it clear that deep, abiding change could not occur if the problems were superficially swept under the carpet. their hearts had to be open to dealing with their  sin, or the same destructive litany would repeat itself again and again. Jane had the wisdom to ask both her parents why each seemed so committed to doing terrible damage to her. she asked about their past histories of abuse and abandonment. what she discovered was a long history of intergenerational abuse, alcoholism, depression and evil. her parents' abusive past saddened her, but she did not use it to excuse their inclinations to do evil.
unfortunately, her parents' disclosure of past harm hardened their hearts to facing the abuse of their daughter. at countless points in the conversation, she had to warn each parent of the consequences of continued harm. she went on to paint a picture of what could happen in their relationship if they wanted to be reconciled (issue 4).

251  she told me later that no moment in her life was more difficult than looking each parent in the face and directly asking 'do you want to my father (or mother) and own your part in the rupture of our relationship?  neither parent desired to do so. her strength kept the abuse at bay, but there seemed to be no spark of life that drew them to deal with their perpetration of evil. if there had been a movement to change, then J could have talked about the slow, arduous process of rebuilding trust (issue 5).
almost 2 years later, J has not given up. her parents are no closer to repentance, but her love, witnessed in new parameters and consequences and even more in her moments of genuine sorrow for them, has curtailed the extent of their damage.  she continues to shock and surprise them with her kindness, strength and vitality. the change has even surprised her. she feels, at times, deeply alone and occasionally walks (somewhat) knowingly back into abusive situations, but overall, she has experienced renewed passion and a wonder in the gospel
no one encounter will likely address all the issues i've outlined. but over time, each point must be passed in order for reconciliation to occur. if each is not passed with heartfelt joint agreement, then ongoing surprise, rebuke, kindness and consequences must continue. IF FORGIVENESS, FULFILLED IN RECONCILIATION, IS TO OCCUR EVIL MUST REPENT WITH CLARITY AND CONVICTION. if forgiveness is defined as a continuing process of hungering for restoration, revoking revenge and offering good gifts, then we are to forgive until there is reconciliation. but reconciliation should no occur until there is repentance.

repentance on the part of the evil person will include a renunciation of rage and mockery. he will need to demonstrate a willingness to be humbled and broken by the weight of guilt for his use of shame and contempt. he will further desire to see wrongs righted and other relationships restored through a process of humbly asking forgiveness for the effects of his sin and through the process of carefully rebuilding trust.

252  if such a deep change in direction does not occur, then there is a final good gift to give to an evil person-the grace of excommunication. no one can tell another with certainty when this gift should be offered. Jane does not yet feel free to stop the process of active battle with her parents' evil hearts. the time may come, however, when cutting off all relationship may be the most strategic step toward their restoration.

THE GIFT OF EXCOMMUNICATION

3. THE GIFT OF EXCOMMUNICATION

(..this) is the withholding of the relationship. it is a kind gift because it removes the immediate opportunity for sin and opens the door to loneliness and shame. paul talks about the purpose behind the process as destroying sinful inclinations  (I cor. 5.5) and intensifying shame (II thess. 3.14-5). it serves the same purpose as disciplining a child. a child is given a small taste of pain in order to warn him about an even greater sorrow that may lie ahead if the destructive direction continues. being cut off from a relationship is a taste of hell.

cutting off relationships, however, is not done merely to minimize our own pain, nor to decree the offender beyond hope. paul tells us, 'do not regard him as an enemy, but to warn him as a brother' (II thess. 3.15). cutting someone off from communion should be done only after significant time and prayer has been expended to set parameters, apply consequences and offer the opportunity to repent. further, the step should not be taken without consultation and prayer with older and wiser believers.  no one has the right to tell another what is the right thing to do or the right time to act, but consultation and prayer is useful to help us consider the issues in our life that might be blocking our ability to love. in other words, excommunication should not occur rashly in a moment of anger nor quickly after only a few interactions with the evil person. nevertheless, at some point, it is not loving to continue an evil relationship with a person who consistently and perniciously sins against you without some sign of repentance and change.
253  cutting off the relationship will spark new kinds of battles in the soul. Jesus tells us it is unwise to go to war without first counting the cost (luke 14.31-2. a major battle will likely occur with doubt and guilt. the choice to separate yourself from another should never be done with arrogant certainty that a right choice has been made. there is seldom that much clarity. and without question, the evil person and his family and friends will set off tremors of doubt in the one who boldly loves through the intensification of shame and rage.
what is to be done with doubt and guilt? again, the answer in part is to anticipate it, to prepare for it. when it arrives, smile  and cry. the smile acknowledges its arrival and the utter predictability of evil. the tears embrace the inner reality of the terror of loneliness that likely underlies doubt and guilt. the fact that we are children of God and truly never orphans, seems to matter very little at the prospect of losing a parent or other significant person. tears acknowledge the sorrow of living in a fallen world. they mingle with the tears of God over the necessity of applying such radical surgery to the advanced cancer of sin.
new external issues must also be considered when relationship is severed. family or friends who continue to relate to the evil person may not agree the person is inclined to evil, or if they do, they may continue to encourage an approach to forgiveness which prefers that your head and the head of the family, church or organization be kept  in the sand.  what is to be done? wisdom, again, never tells us exactly what to do, but I would suggest, in most cases, to continue relationships with those who are still in contact with the evil person.

without doubt, the evil person has spread vicious, uncontested lies about you to those who know you. you will be called judgmental, holier-than-thou, arrogant, unbiblical, cruel, heartless. others will often be watching to see if the evil person is correct. it is not your responsibility to counter every lie, but a life that is full of joy and sorrow, tenderness and strength, and brokenness and boldness will discount at least some of the virulent untruths and half-truths told about you. in many cases, the more the gossip, the better the opportunity to shine
254  with humbly passionate light. the contrast between good and evil will over time and certainly in god's time, intensify a hatred of life's fragrance or soften hatred to a point where the smell of death repulses and the fragrance of life draws.
the task of loving an evil person requires (as it does in all cases) supernatural intervention. the battle is not yours; it is the Lord's. that, however, will not take away the cold gaze of hatred and the sting of shame. the only motivation strong enough to propel you in battle is an unquenchable desire to know the might God who changed your heart and can change the evil person's as well.